The Guilt of the Innocent
Summary: "I want to know why Mrs. Hughes said that 'at least there will be no baby.'"
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters or Downton Abbey.
A/N: I'd like to be able to tell you that this is a fluffy story that has nothing to do with S4. I'd like to be able to tell you that. Alas, it would be a lie. This scenario has been rolling around in my head since S4 as it is how I initially thought they would go with things when I saw Bates overhear Mrs. Hughes' conversation with Anna which began with the "no baby" comment. As this story makes reference to Anna's attack in S4, please govern yourselves accordingly in reading.
Reviews, as always, are greatly appreciated.
"At least now you know there will be no baby..."
No baby.
Bates went about his day's work like a man condemned. He walked slowly, leaning on his cane as though his knee gave him trouble, but his mind was clearly elsewhere. The only time he showed any interest in anything beyond his immediate tasks was when Anna entered his field of vision.
His eyes went to her immediately and tracked her like a pointer sighting a fox. Anna ignored him as she'd been doing for weeks, either leaving the room entirely or else pretending as though she did not notice his attention. She never laughed or even smiled and generally had the overall appearance of untenable misery.
He attempted to confront her once more in the boot room, but Anna quickly made up an excuse about going to Ripon and left him without a second glance. Bates tried to extract the truth from Mrs. Hughes, but she proved likewise unhelpful.
So he waited. And he brooded.
No baby.
Anna skipped dinner that evening and disappeared somewhere into the house. Bates looked for her in all the usual places but had to give up so he could attend to Lord Grantham. After assisting his employer with dressing for bed, he returned downstairs to complete the rest of his work.
Hours passed and the other servants went to bed. Bates found Anna in the boot room, polishing a pair of Lady Mary's heels. He chose to wait for her rather than interrupt the occupation. But after an hour passed, Anna still had not left the room. The sound of her brush sliding across the leather shoes drifted into the silent hallway and into the servants' hall where Bates sat with a book. He had not even glanced at the words let alone turned a page.
After a few more moments, he looked up, checked his watch, and shut the book, leaving it tucked into the cabinet behind him. With slow steps, he wandered down the hallway and into the boot room.
Anna barely glanced in his direction as he entered, and Bates once gain heard Mrs. Hughes' voice in his head.
No baby.
His voice sounded wrong to his own ears when he spoke. "I want to know what's going on."
She flinched at his statement but did not respond. She did not even look up at him as her hand continued to brush Lady Mary's shoes.
"Answer me, Anna," he ordered, moving forward and reaching out to take the brush from her hand. Flinching, she dropped it and the shoe as soon as his fingers covered hers.
"Nothing's going on," she said, pushing herself back from the table, her eyes darting towards the door like a wild animal searching for escape.
"Then I want to know why Mrs. Hughes said that 'at least there will be no baby.'"
His words startled Anna as she visibly reacted to what he'd overheard, her mouth dropping open slightly as her eyes went wide.
"I want to know," he said again, more forcefully. She shivered at his tone.
Finally, Anna answered softly, "I'm not pregnant."
"But you thought you were?" Bates questioned, his voice hard and unyielding.
"I wasn't certain."
"And you were relieved when you found out for sure?"
A sigh escaped her lips as Anna said, "Yes."
His expression pained, he asked in desperation, "So you don't want a child with me any longer?"
She did not hesitate to contradict him. "I want a child with you more than I can possibly say."
"Then why were you so relieved unless..." His voice cut off, understanding flooding his eyes. The guilt and shame he saw on Anna's face was all the confirmation he needed.
He almost didn't need to say the words, but he did so anyway. "The child wouldn't have been mine."
He stared at her intently until Anna finally confirmed his statement with a single tight nod, her face completely ashen.
Bates looked away from her as hot, angry tears flooding his eyes. He did not see her struggling to compose herself, her lower lip trembling violently. And he did not witness the naked fear in her eyes that matched the confused rejection on her face.
Swallowing hard, he said softly, "You were with another man."
Anna stared at him for a long, long moment before she slowly nodded again. As she did so, her body went rigid even as her face forcibly relaxed. Had he been watching her closely, he would have realized that she'd just made a very difficult and important decision.
"Yes."
Her answer may as well have hit him with the force of a train. His expression slowly crumpled and with it the tears began to flow, making silent streams down his cheeks. Anna could not look away from his devastation.
When he finally turned back to look at her, all his anger was replaced with the deepest sadness and betrayal. "Why?" he begged.
The heat of his gaze was almost scalding in its intensity.
Struggling to find the right words, Anna finally said, "I made a horrible mistake."
"A mistake?" Bates repeated, emotions building. "You made a mistake?"
She said nothing but averted her eyes to the floor, her cheeks burning with renewed shame.
He swallowed again and, not bothering to wipe away the tears on his face, he demanded, "Who was it?"
Anna looked up at him. "What?"
"Who were you with?"
"I don't..."
His tone was growing harder and colder. "I want to know," he stated pointedly, his voice as sharp as ice.
"Why?" Anna asked in defeat, shaking her head. "Why does it matter? Isn't it enough to know that I'm guilty?"
She waited for his reaction, tense and breathless. She kept her arms wrapped around herself as though the stance helped her to remain calm. Bates looked at her face and then away from her in distress.
"Do you love this man?" he managed to ask, his voice unsteady.
Anna instantly shook her head. "No," she answered with certainty.
"Then why...?"
More boldly, she repeated, "I made a terrible mistake."
As if he couldn't even hear her, Bates asked, "Do you regret marrying me?"
Anna was near tears herself, and she struggled with each word she spoke aloud. "Of course not."
"Have I been a bad husband?"
Her face broke at the pain in his voice and her own tears began to flow.
"You are a wonderful husband," she answered as she began to tremble uncontrollably. "You deserve much better than me as your wife."
But Bates was unsatisfied with her answer. "Was I not attentive to your needs?" he asked. "Was I not... enough?"
Unable to listen to more, Anna closed her eyes and let out a ragged breath. "You are not at fault here. Only I am to blame. It wasn't you at all. You are perfect, so very perfect..."
She could feel herself shaking and wrapped her arms more tighter around her body in an effort to stop the movement. Noticing her physical reaction, Bates automatically reached out to touch her.
Anna reacted instinctively, shrinking back from him. An instant later she realized her mistake. "John, I'm sorry-"
But her rejection of his proffered touch had already wrought untold damage as he withdrew his hand. "If I'm so perfect, why can't you stand for me to be near you? Why do you pull away from me?"
"It isn't you-" she attempted.
"It must be me. I suddenly disgust you. You'll lie with another man but you can't even stand for me to touch you, to be near you."
Anger mixed with self loathing in his tone and he turned away from her, walking away towards the door. Something broke inside her at the sight of his shoulders slumped in utter defeat.
"Please wait," she begged. Bates paused but did not look around at her. Taking a deep breath, she struggled to keep herself under control.
"Blame me," she finally advised him. "I am at fault in this, not you. You have done nothing wrong. I know you have no reason to believe anything I say, but I'm telling you the truth now. You are the best husband I could have ever asked for and I love you more than anything in this life. I'm so sorry I've hurt you."
For a long moment, he did not move. But when he finally did, he simply left the boot room without looking back at her.
Anna waited until she heard the back door of the house at the end of the corridor slam shut before she let the full force of her emotions overtake her in a wave of uncontrollable sobs.
Anna found Mrs. Hughes in her sitting room the next morning. The housekeeper's first look at the other woman reflected pink puffy eyes with dark circles beneath them. She obviously had slept not a wink the night before.
"What happened?" Mrs. Hughes demanded.
Taking a breath to steady herself, Anna revealed, "I spoke with Mister Bates last night about... what happened."
The housekeeper shivered at the sadness in her voice. "He approached me about it yesterday afternoon, but I didn't tell him anything, just as I promised you. What did you say to him?"
"He... he overheard your comment to me in the hall about there being no baby," she ventured.
"Oh dear," Mrs. Hughes said, sitting down in her chair.
"He confronted me about why I was relieved not to be pregnant."
"Anna, I'm so sorry-"
She shook her head as though to wave off the apology. "It wasn't your fault. I made you keep the secret. I'm the one who..." Her composure slipped briefly, her face screwing up with pain and remembered trauma. "I'm the one who let this happen."
"You let nothing happen," Mrs. Hughes scolded her gently. Standing back up, she reached out to take Anna's hands, but the younger woman would not let her.
Rejecting the offer of comfort, Anna went on, "Mister Bates recognized that I was relieved because the child would not be his. He thought I had been with another man."
"Oh, Anna..."
"And I confirmed his belief."
Mrs. Hughes frowned at her statement. "You were not with another man," she declared. "You were forced - violently and against your will."
"It will be easier for him if he believes this instead," Anna said quietly. "Even if he finds out who... who it was... I don't think Mister Bates will murder him. Not if he thinks I was willing."
Shaking her head slightly, the housekeeper said, "But he thinks you've been unfaithful to him and you haven't."
"This is better," Anna said again. "He can focus his anger on me and I don't have to worry about him going back to prison."
"But Anna..."
"He may never forgive me for what he thinks I did, but at least he won't have to know what really happened."
"This isn't right," Mrs. Hughes said.
But Anna kept speaking, undeterred. "And if he does forgive me, at least he'll know that I'm not worthy of him even if he doesn't know the real reason why."
The housekeeper signed. She said gently, "When I said you should tell him something, this isn't what I meant."
"No, but it is something. And I haven't lied to him, not really. I was with another man, even if I didn't want it. I am to blame for what's happened, not him. I made the mistake of trusting... of trusting the man who did this and I must now pay for that mistake. My biggest regret is that my husband believes he in some way failed me. I still need to convince him that this shame falls entirely on me. He has no share in it."
"Anna, there is no shame in what was done to you."
The lady's maid shook her head firmly. Standing straight and as tall as her small frame would allow, she wiped her tears away.
"Nothing was done to me, Mrs. Hughes," Anna said, forcing herself to sound calm and controlled. "I have just told you - I was unfaithful to my husband. He is the victim in this, and I beg you to remember that."
Squaring her shoulders, Anna left the sitting room with an expression of determination.
TBC