When he asked her to go to prom, she wanted to tell him to go to hell. Eyes faced down, mouth not quite curved into a smirk, he knew he had her, whether he asked her because he wanted to go or to shut her up.
It worked.
It wasn't just the incredible guilt that lingered within or the feeling that if she pushed him too far he'd never come back. Even in her best of days, confidence flowing, her career, life, and marriage all in tact, he could bring her down to earth or lift her up to Heaven unlike anyone else.
Derek Shepherd was her weakness and in that, she marked him her equal.
From the first day they had met, Addison felt drawn to him. Respect, adoration, love on their best of days. Respect, fury, and borderline hatred on their worst, but it fueled their passion and the life that they shared.
He may have faltered in the adoration and love, but she lost his trust, and with it, the respect, which was the foundation of their union. Now she took hesitant steps, waiting for the explosion, or rather, the implosion of their marriage in which he held the power.
Despite herself, she left early from work, shopped for a new dress, and spent hours maneuvering around the trailer, curling her hair and applying her make-up. For the first time, in a long time, even before the affair, she felt like herself.
She hated that it took his attention to get her there.
Derek had invited Addison to prom, but he still wasn't sure whom he would go home with at the end of the night. His physical being might belong to Addison, but his emotional state had latched onto Meredith and was refusing to detach.
Too much had been happening, fast, and he no longer felt like the cool, calm, and collected surgeon, but the frazzled boy caught between two loves. A doctor, a colleague, a friend maybe, lay at his disposal on the table before him, the man's life and livelihood in Derek's hand, and he had never felt this edge of nervous before a surgery. His dog was dying. He was too upset with Meredith for moving on and at Addison for being so passive. It was all his fault, maybe not the dog, but he was grasping for something he could control.
Now he wasn't sure if he wanted Meredith because he loved her or because she had been ripped from him. Closure, they said, was the best medicine of all, but he was a surgeon, world-renowned, and so he didn't believe them. Addison had been forced on him, not in the beginning when he would have killed for such a possibility, but now when he wanted to escape himself for a time, perhaps forever.
For some reason, every patient that came his way in the past couple of months had left some subliminal meaning in their wake, and it was starting to affect him. The strangers who's lives they had to choose between, the husband fighting for a chance to right his mistakes with his wife, Preston Burke shot down in front of the hospital doors.
It could have been him or Addison, or Meredith, and Derek realized that he never would have had the opportunities to resolve the issues. Any bedside confession any or all of them made would have felt contrived, desperate, and far too late.
He was frustrated, yes, beyond boiling point, and it was starting to frazzle his brain, including his hair. With the dog, their dog, all of their dog, lying on the table, sick and near-death, Addison was called back to work. Left was he and Meredith, and Finn somewhere in the background. He felt the dog's life vanquish through his fingers and he saw the light go out of Meredith's eyes.
Derek wanted to hold her and make it all better, but Finn was there and Meredith was accepting him somehow, even as she was running out the door, and Derek thought that was something. Spending the rest of the day at the hospital, in limbo, waiting for something so silly, and yet, he felt deep down, so significant, a turning point in the form of prom.
Escorting Addison like a sort of Prince, he kept his head low and conversation minimal, though he wanted to tell her she was beautiful, sparkling, and alive like he hadn't seen her in he didn't know how long. He brought her punch and accepted her offer to dance as he watched Finn lead Meredith to the dance floor.
Despite himself, he couldn't take his eyes off of her. It wasn't romantic and it wasn't something he wanted, but when she left Finn, he told Addison he had to check on a patient. Her hand, which had been entwined in a comfortable embrace with his, clenched for a second before letting him go. He wanted to squeeze back, but he wasn't ready to make any promises.
It wasn't lying, to the full extent, because he first checked on Burke and found the man lying with Christina at his side. Derek smiled. Love was complicated, but it wasn't something you gave up on. A constant battle for better or for worse, at least that's what he vowed.
Stepping into the on-call room, Meredith was before him in an instant. Before he recognized the symptoms, she kissed him and he didn't pull back. They stood, lips pressed together, bodies awkward and not quite touching, waiting for the spark.
It didn't come.
He broke first, laughing, asking her what had happened. She appeared dumbfounded for only a second before joining him, clutching at her side. It died out, natural and relaxed, and Derek felt as though he was free from a burden he hadn't known he was carrying.
They agree that their love was not long-lasting and friendship may not be their future, but colleagues will have to suffice. When he left her, for good, she told him she's looking forward to seeing where it goes with Finn, as this was so so over, and he found he was happy with that.
Walking back towards the dance, which doesn't feel as stupid as it had in the beginning of the night, Derek took long steps. He's giddy. As nervous and excited as he was the day he proposed. No doubt, he and Addison had a challenging fight ahead of them. Forgiveness and trust must outlive the betrayal and resentment in order to not just survive but flourish, but now his heart matched his head, or his head matched his heart, he wasn't so sure which.
Stepping back onto the makeshift dance floor, searching for the flash of red that signaled his wife, Derek remembered what it felt like to think of someone else before himself. Warm, thrilling, and nerve-wracking. Combined with a hint of confusion as he couldn't find his wife and he glimpsed Richard glaring at him from across the floor, arms crossed and venom in his eyes.
"You're too late," he said but Derek knew this couldn't be true.
Addison sensed Derek letting go before they even started to try again, but she kept on because every so often he would throw her a small piece of evidence suggesting that hope was not yet lost. The kisses lingered, genuine smiles flickered, laughter returned, and the sex was inspired, though she feared not from her.
At prom, she had worn his favorite color and bellied up in his arms, singing along to the songs that reminded her of their past, but he remained stoic, staring off into the distance of what could have been between him and the intern. A part of her couldn't blame him because Meredith had acted like a breath of fresh air when Derek sought solace the most, and worst of all, Addison didn't hate her, or even blame her.
When he shifted away from her in the middle of the dance floor, Addison had gripped his hand before allowing it to slip away from her as a form of goodbye. He wanted an escape and for too long, she had been far too selfish to grant it to him, God forbid he just end it like he wanted.
She loved him, so she let him go.
Not turning back to see in which direction he ran, Addison stopped only because she was walking towards Richard, and he was in his contemplative father mode. With only a glance, he asked her if she was okay. Pushing past him with a slight nod and a tired smile, he let her go, if only to spare her the embarrassment of her husband having a tryst with another woman with her imprisoned in the same building.
For as small as the trailer was and for how much she hated it, her belongings had accumulated fast in the tin box, fighting through blind tears as she scurried around, banging into walls, trying to collect her life.
Except, she reminded herself, it wasn't her life, just a part of it, the Derek part, which she had now lost, no, let go, and she could return to her real life, minus Derek, as soon as the papers were signed.
Though when she first arrived, soaking from the ceaseless rain and powered by pure adrenaline, she had been on a mission, determined to make it quick. Just as she was stuffing the last of her things, Derek's favorite scrub cap, into her bags, she let it instead fall to the floor beside her as the tears stopped, as did her ability to move.
Sitting for awhile, listening to the rain pitter patter against the roof, she laughed, a true, satisfying belly laugh at how strange it was to know that her marriage had ended and it was all her fault. Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepard-kind of, had failed at the one thing she had promised herself she never would the night she accepted his proposal.
Now it was time to pick up her life alone.
That is of course the moment he came storming into the trailer, ready to fight for this not to be over.
The minute he entered the trailer, fire alight in his eyes, Addison's laughing stopped. He had heard it from outside, faint but distinct, and he had stalled in confusion. Finding her sitting in front of the bed, his scrub cap beside her, he understood the sentiment. Standing before her, he explained how his evening had gone after he had stranded her on the dance floor.
Meredith, he repeated, had not been a fling, but a reminder that nothing in life is easy or stable. Yes, he could have had a life with her, just as she with Mark, but he chose not to, because his time with Addison was far more valuable. He wanted her, only her, and he was going to get it because they had gone through the worst of it already and yet they were still there.
The words were what she had been waiting to hear since the first night in their marriage he hadn't come home from the hospital or bothered to call. They were the antidote to her sleeping and falling for Mark, the solution that made her heart beat faster, but she didn't know if she could believe him.
When she told him as much, he smiled, warm and kind, not a trace of the usual condescension.
Walking over to the door of the trailer, he closed it with a snap and locked the door. Joining her on the floor, legs crossed, he clasped her hand, and took a deep breath.
"Richard isn't exactly happy that three of his surgeons are currently out of commission for tomorrow, but he sends his blessing."
She looked at him and he saw her for what he knew her as in the beginning. Brushing his lips against hers, he squeezed her hand.
"If I could, I would take your hand and stand you up, turn the radio on and play a long, slow, sweet song and have one last calming dance with you before the storm. But I won't. No anesthesia."
They fought all night long, yelling obscenities, kicking bags open across the bed, searing, teeth-baring kisses. She told him about how she stayed with Mark and the baby she refused to bring into the world. He told her why he became obstinate and passive and why he couldn't escape. They fought and hurt and cried until four a.m. came with a hint of the sun, then they tore each other's clothes off and repented for their sins.
Sun shining through in full, the pair laid at the foot of the bed, naked, exhausted, and spent, thoughts and revelations twirling, no more words on either of their lips.
Honesty was never an easy feat, and neither was a marriage. Mistakes were human-bred and impossible to elude, but with eyes shut and breath shallow, they made a promise they both intended to keep.
Accept each other's faults along with the positives because strange as it was, that's probably what made them fall in love with each other in the first place.