Jolly jeepers! The disclaimer telling you all that I do not own any X-men characters has gone on vacation. Originally, I wrote this fic in May, but only finished typing it a few minutes ago. To those of you scallywags concerned (and aware of what I am zummin' about); there was a problem with this page. Thanks for pointing it out guys.
Breakup blues, greens and yellows: Support Group
"I'm going to kill myself," Lance muttered, dragging his feet as he walked into the room. Four pairs of eyes turned towards him, one of them returned to the T.V. They were showing Meet the Kardashians.
"This show is shit," Wanda muttered. There was silent agreement.
"What happened this time?" Fred asked, switching off the T.V. with the remote.
"Yeah, tell us, Lance. Your sappy, seriously sad, predictable love stories are the only entertainment we need to keep the boredom away. Kind of like watching resits of Friends when you have a flu. You just gotta get better to switch the shit off," Todd sneered.
"So tell us, what's on your mind?"Pietro said, fiddling with invisible glasses and looking at invisible notes, while deepening his voice to sounding like a therapist.
"Aagrrrh!" screamed Lance pulling at his hair, the house shaking.
"Careful, the boss won't be pleased with any extra damages," John said lightly, returning out of the kitchen with a bowl of popcorn and a tray heaped high with barbecued chilly dogs and chicken wings.
Fred piled his plate with chili dogs, passing the tray. "I love small chops," he said happily. All eyes went to the staggering amount of food on his plate.
"I'm sure you do," Wanda deadpanned.
"You sure you don't want some of this sinfully juicy delight?" Todd asked Fred, biting into and waving one of the heavenly chicken wings at him.
"No. My doctor told me to cut down on my chicken intake. It's unhealthy, you know," Fred replied sagely, "You might not want to eat that, it's fattening," he continued looking at Wanda.
Wanda dropped her chicken wing with a growl, staring daggers at him.
"What happened Lance?" Todd asked, handing him a chilly dog. All eyes returned to him.
"I wonder what episode this is," John nonchalantly muttered.
Lance took a deep breath and said, "I broke up with Kitty."
"WWWHAAT?!" they all screamed.
"He dumped her," Fred clarified.
"Call the producers! Call the producers!"
"About time."
Todd fainted.
"Todd's knocked out! He's shell shocked!"
"Ho-how?" Wanda sputtered.
"No. No. No. Calm down, guys. You mean dear Miss Sunshine broke up with you." John reasoned. Everyone began to calm down, nodding, Pietro poured cold water on Todd, waking him up.
"No, I broke up with her."
"The series finale has already come!"
"Lance without Kitty is like father without his helmet," Wanda intoned.
"This, my friends, is a conspiracy," Pietro grimly stated, taking the led. Wanda, Todd and Fred earnestly nodded, their faces serious.
Lance turned to John accusingly, "There is alcohol in the chilly dogs."
John shrugged, his eyes returning to the show before him.
"We must prepare. This is clearly a sign of war."
"What do we do, sire?" Wanda asked.
"We prepare for war!"
"Yep, vodka chilly dogs are definitely going into Magneto's menu on pay day," John said, deep in thought.
Fred patted Lance on his back, causing him to wince and stumble forward.
"You did the right thing," he said.
"Yeah. You and squealer were as close as Mystique and her permanent PMS. Like Romeo and Juliet from different mutant groups. Two sickening sweet puppy love couple."
"A typical shitty, stupid, messed-up romance- the rocking rebel and the dunce full of fluff."
"Dude, you had bad taste. Now if it was Emma, Tabby or-yak- Jean, just to piss off -up-his-rectum Scott, I'll understand. Okay a bit for Jean. A tiny bit." John said.
"To be honest, you weren't even the Romeo to her Juliet, just the unnoticed, disposable extra extra character's understudy." Wanda said, opening her soda.
"Laughing her heart out, onto the next guy, like the slut she is," Pietro sneered.
"Whore, use whore. It's better and more respectful," Fred said.
"She's probably crying her heart out. Big fat tears the size of snow balls coming out," Todd said. Lance gulped.
"Think about it. Never in her mind did it occur to her that Lance will be the one to dump her. Sure she has been playing him around like Israel and the U.S. have been doing to the Palestine during their ongoing "peace talks", but now she misses him more than ever..." Lance moved uncomfortably, looking ill. Todd grinned. "...Regretting how she has been treating you, and changing the story to make you look like the bad guy while the other X-girls comfort her. You sick, twisted, heartless bastard, high five!" Todd said, raising his right hand to Lance.
Lance was shaking, feeling like filth.
"Wow Todd, you really have been reading and watching the news lately," Pietro admired.
"Well, I decided that I really had to do something about my life," Todd shrugged modestly.
"The future is important," Fred agreed.
"Kitty is fragile, jumpy but fragile. She's probably thinking of killing herself now. She's a science geek and drama queen, one doesn't have to be creative to figure out to drown their sorrows in bleach," Pietro said before taking a sip of his soda.
"A painful way to go, but it will be too late," Todd added, shaking his head in mock grief.
"Mate, the X-men are so going to kill you!" John excitedly exclaimed, flames flickering out of his palms.
"Are there any more chilly dogs? Wanda kind of ate them all," Fred said. Wanda shot a dirty look at him and his bulging stomach, a hex bolt glowing in her hand as warning.
"Remember, you did the right thing," Todd said, placing his hand on Lance shoulder.
Lance busted into tears. "I'm gonna call Kiiitty!" he dribbled, stumbly rushing out of the room.
Pietro raced out then back in a blur, Lance's emergency only cellphone and the house's telephone in his hands.
"Sorry Lance, I can't let you do that," the silver haired speed demon said, nodding his head to Fred. Fred smashed the almost empty popcorn bowl on Lance head, knocking him out.
"There's blood!" Todd pointed out.
"Guess he wasn't hard headed enough, "Pietro snickered.
"Why do you think he dumped her?"
"Probably because she has been gaining a couple of pounds lately. Lance never did go for the over plus sized girls."
"That explains his recent sudden inspiration for fat jokes."
"Wonder what she looks like right now,"Pietro winked before zooming out.
"I wonder what's on T.V," Todd said, flicking it on with the remote. "Fashion Police. I love this show!"
"Pietro will like to watch it, or rather be on it," John grinned.
"You know that train accident in Spain that killed about eighty people, if any of us where there, give them three seconds and they will say that it was caused by mutants," Todd spoke out.
The others nodded.
"During his preaching in Rio, the pope spoke about bringing the downfall of social injustice, yet didn't say anything about gay rights, equal sex rights and mutant rights. Guess humans will always be humans, contrary to what they say, do or teach," Wanda said.
"Social injustice is here to stay," Fred said.
"We really should do something about Lance corpse," Wanda said.
"Let's dump him outside."
Author's notes: And with that happy thought, the curtains close. Review!