We're Fine
McRaider
Summary: Tag to Sex & Violence, Dean is struggling once again with more self doubts, while Sam just tries to make it right.
Author's Note: Obviously this is an AU as I highly doubt that these boys actually had a chick flick moment like this.
They'd told Bobby they were fine, but as Dean finished his soda, and climbed into his Impala, a small part of him wished to be anywhere but here in this car with Sam. He was berating himself nonstop because there was truth to what Sammy had said, what they both said. Dean longed for his little brother back, and Sam found him simply pathetic.
He glanced sideways at Sammy, it was clear Sam was feeling similar, but Dean didn't feel his words had been nearly as harsh as his brothers. He'd done the unthinkable; he'd opened up to someone. Told Sam how he was really feeling, what he really was struggling with. It all came out, drudging up memories he'd have rather forgotten, only to have some stupid ass bitch show him he wasn't worthy of saving.
"It's not true," Sammy's voice interrupted Dean's self depreciating thoughts.
"What?"
"Dean, you're the strongest guy I know, and what happened down there…it's going to screw you up, I'm just glad you decided to tell me."
Dean wished he could believe that, but his rational side had checked out hours ago. Maybe it was stupid, the big brother seeking reassurance from the little brother. Then again truthfully his father's and Sam's opinions had been the only ones that ever truly mattered to him. "Dean," his brother promoted again, "Say something?"
And then Dean did something that surprised them both, he pulled over to the shoulder and stopped the car. He looked at his little brother with a pain unlike anything Sam had ever seen. "I'm tired Sammy, "I'm tired Sammy, of all of it. I'm tired of not being enough for everyone, of never living up to all the expectations. Tire of hunting of death and evil. I'm just tired. I can't-I don't want to do this anymore. Sam, some morning I wake up and wish dad had just let me go. So he and you could duke it out on your own."
"Dean that sounded nearly suicidal."
Dean gave him a sad smile, "I'm tired of worrying about you because you won't do it yourself. Most of all, I'm tired of being everyone's god damn pawn. A part of me almost wished for death when we were around that wishing well. Not hell, just darkness."
Then his brother was silent, as he pulled back onto the freeway and began to drive away. Sam could count on one hand the number of times his brother had openly admitted how he felt about something. Dean was always the stronger one, and Sam was beginning to realize that it wasn't fair. Dean had always protected and cared for him, and the one time when Dean really needed Sam to be there for him, Sam had failed him. He considered Dean's words about a brother he could trust and count on. Sam had wanted someone who was strong and powerful; all Dean had wanted was his little brother. It made Sam realize that he wasn't as good a brother as he'd always hoped. "It wasn't your fault dad died, I forced his hand. It's not Ruby's fault she saved me. I know you hate chick-flick shit, but obviously haven't been clear enough. You're my big brother Dean, and no I won't ever be that idolizing kid again, but those feelings of gratitude, appreciation, hero worship hell even love. They never went away, man. Just matured. You're not just my brother, you're my best friend and I'm sorry that when you needed me I didn't know how to help. But it doesn't change that I was bordering on alcohol poisoning, when you died, that I almost offed myself twice just to get to you. You may think dad and I found you annoying, or weak or useless. But most days you were the only thing holding our fucked up little family together."
Sam paused, thinking about his next words for a long minute, "Dad loved you so much, more than just about anything, and he loved you enough to sacrifice his eternity for you. And I tried too; we would do anything for you. So you can just get it out of your head that you are worthless."
Dean listened to his little brother, there was still a little doubt, fear in his mind, but he considered his words carefully. "I miss dad, Sammy. I want dad back, I want mom-" he stopped trying to swallow past the lump in his throat. He pinched at his eyes to stave off tears.
Sam reached out and gripped his brother's shoulder, "I miss them too, and want them back. But I know I really missed you, Dean. Like on the brink of insanity missed you."
Dean was silent, he wasn't ready to forgive and forget yet, but it was a start, to know his brother still cared, still loved him. To know maybe, just maybe he really was important to them. To Sammy.