Hot Mess

"That feels good Sam I could go at this all day and night if you had the stamina" Mercy said laughing up at him as he lay on top of her, making him ram her harder "not that" she said with pain in her voice

"You have to take the rough with the smooth babe you wanted all day I'm done with that love making shit now after that insult I'm going straight to the rough stuff and you need to turn over bitch" he said flipping her over rough sexing her with a force that made her scream.

"Sam please stop I'm sorry I said that but you're hurting me please stop"

"You thought nothing of hurting me did you Mercedes Jones-Evans, did he go all night, did he go all day?"

"Sam I swear I wasn't talking about Tank" she said before she realised she'd said the wrong thing, she'd mentioned his name while they were in bed together, having sex no less. She felt him detach himself from her and get off the bed before she turned around to see that he was almost fully dressed and walking towards the door. "Sam; I'm sorry I didn't mean to.." and the door banged shut and he was gone. Mercy lay in a heap on the bed wondering what was better him, trying to make love to her again, her trying not to notice his hands weren't touching her like they used to, him walking out to get drunk again or her on the bed with her ass in the air needing him "Hot mess" she said to herself, as she started signing "The Voice Within" by Christina Aguilera

She got up went to her usual place the shower got her kit out and done her ritual cut before going under the shower to cry for a while and then putting her replacement plaster on, this had become a habit since that night when she was too trusting with an old friend and he supposedly drug raped her while Sam was away on a business trip. To be fair tests showed that nothing happened eventually but Sam hadn't waited to hear that he just heard the original version when he came home to find her sitting on the shower room floor and called the doctor and police. Because she had gone to his place willingly Sam had taken that as her permission for this to happen and he had refused to talk about it since banning the name Tank be used in his presence ever again and pretending like this hadn't happened for a while.

The cracks started to show when Sam started drinking in the house and falling all over the place talking about his love being tossed aside and all the talking Mercy tried to do he would not listen. The last conversation they had was to establish if they loved each other still and Sam couldn't face it he wouldn't let her ask the question and grabbed her and started making love to her she wanted it and begged him while he gave himself to her and they had reached a comfortable place until she had to make that stupid remark.

Mercy got dressed in a fashion she put her jumper and knickers on and pottered around the house for the remainder of the day nothing was going to get her outside the house while Sam was in that mood he might just pack his things and leave so she waited around for him to get back. About 6 hours later at nearing 10 p.m. she heard the key in the door. She got up and went to the kitchen to heat up his dinner as he followed her into the kitchen and stood at the door surprisingly soba

"I need you to save me Mercy, I'm in a hole and I need you to save me" he said Mercy left the food and ran to him and he lifted her up and hugged her tightly to him "I'm afraid to breathe, am I losing you?" he said leaving a gap for her to answer but Mercy said nothing "Do you want him?" he asked "Tank do you want him?" he said pulling her away from him but still holding her "I don't want to hear you say it but If I have to I will"

"Sam I love you, you're my Txe'lan and that bastard didn't touch me" Mercy said as calmly as she could "even drugged up I've got your name written all over my kitty kat, he must have seen that because he didn't touch me"

"He didn't? Why did you go up there to his place Mercy?"

"Genuinely I thought he was a friend, we got on well all through the tour and believe he had plenty of opportunities to but he protected me, he really did so that came as a total shock when I woke up to find myself on his bed I was mortified"

"Why did you say he raped you?"

"Because I was on his bed and he was lying next to me"

"That doesn't constitute rape babe"

"I don't know what constitutes what babe I've only ever been with you and I know what happens when we lay in bed together I just assumed I don't know too much about these things" she said making Sam laugh

"So I've been drinking myself stupid thinking that bastard had his way with my wife, in fact my wife gave herself to that bastard while you've been sitting there thinking what?"

"You said don't mention his name again so I couldn't tell you could I?"

"We're big on communication aren't we" Sam said laughing

"Am I communicating now?" Mercy asked squeezing her thighs tighter around his waist

"I've had a boner most the day thinking about that spot I just didn't want to give it to you if you weren't mine anymore"

"Endgame Evans that's what we promised and you know how we are with our promises" Mercy said as Sam went in to kiss her as he walked towards the bedroom

"Not rough Sammy please not yet anyway" Mercy said

"Well you know what not to do to get me that mad again don't you?"

"I'd call it another one of your triggers" she said laughing "and I'm a bitch apparently"

"I definitely take that back let me make that up to you now" he said giving that signature grin that melts Mercy's heart

"Shower" they both said and laughingly went to the bathroom where Sam took Mercy's top off and walked into the shower with her still attached to his chest as he kissed her he lifting her arms he felt something under her arm

"What did you do?" he asked still kissing her

"I … I cut myself" she said pulling away a bit from Sam making him stop to look at her

"What do you mean how do you cut yourself under your arm?" he asked looking at her

Mercy looked everywhere before looking back at Sam unable to lie she crumbled and cried while telling him "I did it myself I cut myself" she said falling into his chest and he held her as she cried

"Mercy look at me" he said after a short while "I'm not understanding what do you mean you cut yourself on purpose?" he waited for an answer but Mercy said nothing. Sam stepped out of the shower with Mercy still attached and sat on the side of the bath "Babe talk to me"

"I cut myself Sam"

"Why?" he asked

"Because you thought I was dirty and I wanted to punish myself for being dirty and the only way I found to do that was to cut myself and when I cut myself I release that feeling of being a dirty unlovable slut and I don't want to die anymore"

"What the fuck" Sam said more to himself than Mercy

"Babe this stops like now I don't want you doing that again, I will never not love you do you hear me, never, you are not a slut and you are most definitely not dirty. How have I never found your stuff? where is it? what do you do this with? Go get it" Sam said almost getting mad with his commands. Mercy got up went to the cabinet with her things in and took the small box out and gave it to Sam. Sam grabbed her arm and brought her back to sit on his lap "Mercy do you want to stop doing this?"

"I think so"

"We need a decision here babe because I can only do half of this for you, do you want to stop?"

"I want to try and stop" Mercy replied

"Do you want to get rid of this or do you want me to put it away, if I put it away you asking me for it will give us both a trigger that something is wrong and we can maybe deal with it, but if you flush it it's gone are you ready for this what do you want to do?"

"Can you hold it for a week and if I don't use it get rid of it" Mercy suggested

"Whatever you want babe, I'm here to help and I'm sorry"

"For?"

"Pushing you to that place I know my actions had everything to do with this, remember that week when Karofski had his wobble and Mr. S made us look at something that would push us over the edge"

"Yeah I do"

"Well mine was losing you funny enough and when I was drinking there were many times I thought I could just close my eyes and let the car take me where it wants to and I could die, I felt like I had inside and I just couldn't see a way out and then I had a talk with a drunk who had lost everything tonight and it made me realise I hadn't lost you yet and I just had to rush home and try again and again and again you know"

"I didn't think it would be you I thought it would be like losing a child or not being famous or something like that but it turned out to be you. I get there sometimes Sam on the edge you know and I truly understand what Mr. S was saying in that lesson losing you is my over the edge and I'm not saying that as a threat or anything, it's just that you're my heart you know and without you it just refuses to beat right"

"I know that feeling alright"

"You know what throw the damn box away just throw it, I don't need it I need you more" Mercy said snatching the box out of Sam's hand and emptying the contents down the toilet and flushing twice to make sure "Are you still a drinker"

"Very much so" Sam said as he took Mercy up and brought her to the bedroom lay her on their bed and tasted her love juice "And I am thirsty so you better be giving me enough to drink"

"Sam you are a hot mess" she said and they both laughed

The end