EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter One! Ness Awakens

OK, so my name is Ness Humankiller Bloodshed People Eater Angus Lucifer Satan Bowser Xemnas Nintendofucker Jr. I am a 13-year-old boy from Onett, Eagland who wears baseball clothes and uses a baseball bat to kill animals. I have a seventeen foot long penis and everybody in my city wants to fuck me. Ever since I was two years old I have been like a sex god to them.

When I was one I was kidnapped by a pair of sexy bisexual lesbian satanists, with huge P-cup breasts and tight dripping pussies. They taught me so much, like how to kill, have sex, summon demons, and they even unlocked secret power in me called PSI. Now I could use incredibly powerful psychic attacks and kill millions.

So they took me home the next year and my parents were so happy to see me. Suddenly, my dad shot both lesbians! I was mad, so then I began to use an ultra powerful PSI move!

"PK... FLASH!" I said. Suddenly, my parents were blinded and I pulled out my baseball bat and broke their heads with it! I ate my family's bodies and went to bed.

That was 11 years ago. Now, I am a teenager and was asleep, masterbating to a hentai porn movie called "I Wanna Ride Your Cock 55" starring Ron Jeremy and Shigasato Itoi. It was about three hours long and was almost over when I heard a knocking outside my door. So I walked downstairs naked and opened the front door. It was my neighbor, Pokey Minch!

Pokey was really fat and ugly (sorta like Glenn Beck, only uglier [LOL impossible, am I right?]) and had a 4-inch dick which was shameful.

"Ness! Picky, my brother, is missing! I don't know where he is! You have to help me or I'll cut your dick off with a knife!"

Little did he know that my penis is made of iron. However, I decided to help him so I could kill them later just for fun.

I walked outside the door with Pokey and we were suddenly attacked by a million adorable animals! I pulled out my baseball bat and killed half the animals with it, then I turned the bat into a gun with my PSI powers and shot it at the remaining enemies! All the animals died and I drank their blood and ate their flesh.