auburn and ivory
heart break and pony tails
come to me
and I'll tell you what's wrong
she said, "I'll wait for you. I'll wait for..."
When Narcissa first sees Lily Evans, she is eleven. Unlike most eleven year olds in the magical community, she isn't bursting with excitement at the thought of a chance to make something of herself- she's just standing next to her sisters, bored already.
She sees the girl wearing a pair of knee-length denim shorts, a quarter length purple top with a scoop neck, and flip flops. This in itself should be enough to make Narcissa turn up her nose, but all she can see is her hair, bright and wavy and red, like fire or blood or Bellatrix's lips on the nights she sneaks out to see Rodolphus and Narcissa wants. She aches with it, suddenly, and she's always loved her blond hair, the way her mother brushes it before bed and how it falls like silk over her shoulders, but she can't stop staring at the vibrant color.
She doesn't even get a chance to see Lily's green eyes or the way her smile changes her face, lights it up into something more beautiful and radiant than the sun. She just knows that this girl has something beautiful, and Narcissa wants to take it.
(It isn't until much later that she realizes what this means.)
She sees the girl again during the sorting. Narcissa has been quiet since arriving at the train station, only speaking when she's alone with Andromeda or Bellatrix, just like her mother taught her. She prefers it that way- staying silent gives her more room to breathe, and she likes to observe. It makes her feel safe to know things about people that nobody else can see. She spent the train ride with her head on Andromeda's lap, her sister combing through her hair with her fingers, while Bellatrix read them Rodolphus's more ridiculous love letters. It was nice to laugh again, away from their mother, but she knew it wasn't going to last. That wasn't what Hogwarts was for.
She says goodbye to them when they arrive. Bellatrix nods at her curtly before heading to her carriage. Andromeda pulls her close, kissing the top of her head, and murmurs words of encouragement before leaving as well. Narcissa gets in a boat with Rosier and Regulus and some others she doesn't bother to learn the names of. She thinks Sirius is here somewhere, but she's not sure. They haven't spoken to him since he was sorted wrong the year before, and the thought makes something like sadness prickle in the bottom of her stomach. She misses him, but Mother told her to ignore him, so she will. He doesn't seem to want to speak to her anyways.
They get there faster than she expected. Honestly, she's not paying very much attention. She finds she prefers to stay inside her head and let the time fly by, since she can't talk very much anyways. She keeps her back straight and doesn't offer to help rowing.
Everyone huddles together when the sorting begins except for her crowd. They aren't afraid, and she tells herself she isn't either. She's not like Sirius. There's nothing wrong with her. Squaring her shoulders, she takes a breath and squeezes Regulus's fingers, taking care that no one sees her. He looks at her, shocked, before giving her a small smile. She's so taken off guard- Regulus doesn't smile, he hasn't since Sirius- that she almost grins back.
She's right before him in the sorting, and she's not afraid because she knows he is and she can't be too. When she sits down and the hat is placed on her head, it speaks to her softly inside her head.
"Another Black, then. What a bright mind- you'd do so well in Ravenclaw, you know. I think-"
Slytherin, please, she thinks, firmly but politely. Her heart is racing in her chest.
The hat sighs, though she's not sure how that's possible. "There's no winning with your family, is there? Fine. I suppose you'll do alright in SLYTHERIN!"
The professor removes the hat, and Narcissa's so relieved she smiles. This is when she makes eye contact with the red head at the Gryffindor table, and the girl is- is she smiling back? Narcissa almost blushes- thank Merlin for Bella's lessons in humiliation to teach her how to keep heat from rushing into her cheeks- and almost runs to sit next to her sisters.
This has to be where she belongs. Even if blue would look good with her eyes.
Her first year goes by quickly. She gets good grades, but not too good because she doesn't want her mother to yell. She talks to her sisters and Regulus and some fellow Slytherins, but other than that she ignores people. She's quick to gain the reputation of an ice queen, which is what she wanted, but it stings. Most things that should hurt her leave her with a dull ache that goes away when she ignores it long enough. She gets prettier every day, which gives her a slight sense of satisfaction, and every night she brushes her hair on her own. She only occasionally thinks about what she would look like as a redhead.
The summer she turns twelve, her parents introduce her to Lucius Malfoy. He's sixteen and charming, with a beautiful face and eyes like a snake. She doesn't smile at him, and she only speaks when spoken to. Oh, she thinks as he's kissing her hand goodbye. This is the rest of my life.
The thought fills her with dread that she barely feels. She doesn't feel much of anything, anymore.
During her fourth year, she meets Lily Evans for real. She's in the library studying, which is what she usually does when she's not reading in her room or sitting in the common room with her sisters, and she's beginning to get interested in the book she's reading. She likes history a lot, though she'd never admit it, and the Goblin Wars are her favorite.
She's completely absorbed, so she doesn't notice the girl next to her until she's already spoken.
"Hi, is that the most recent edition of Hogwarts: A History beside you? I've been looking for it all day."
Narcissa doesn't show things like surprise, but her eyes widen and she jolts like she's been shocked. She looks up at the girl speaking and her heart stops.
It's the redhead, but up close, her eyes are green like- Narcissa can't think of any good comparisons, really, except that they're like the sea and sage and grass and every shade of green that's beautiful rolled into one thing. She wants again, and it's uncomfortable but it's something, and Narcissa barely ever feels things like this anymore.
She doesn't speak for several long seconds, during with the redhead doesn't drop her smile and holds out her hand. "I'm Lily, by the way. Lily Evans."
Finally, Narcissa snaps out of it enough to respond, though her face is still not as blank as she would like it to be and she's having trouble breathing. She tentatively holds out her hand to shake, and she's probably breaking so many rules, but this girl- Lily- is making it hard for her to think.
"Narcissa. Yes. You can have it if you need it."
Lily smiles again, though she never really stopped, finally letting go of Narcissa's hand. "Thank you so much, I'll have it back to the library in no time, I promise." She picks up the book and walks away, and Narcissa can't help but watch her.
She stays in the library for another 30 minutes before she decides she's never going to get any work done in this frazzled a state and goes off to find Regulus. Nothing calms her down like a good cup of hot chocolate and reading quietly next to him.
In the days following the library incident, Narcissa can't get her mind off the girl. She keeps thinking about her eyes and her smile, the way it was so bright she wanted to look away but couldn't, and how her hair fell over her shoulders. She's even worse in Potions than usual- it's the one thing she can't get the hang of- and her Swelling Solution nearly explodes all over the class.
After that, Slughorn pulls her aside and tells her he's going to assign her a tutor. She can't bring herself to care much, and doesn't bother telling her sisters. Regulus gives her a sympathetic look, but they don't talk about it. As the years go on, they talk less and less. She knows it's her fault, but words just don't come as easily as they used to.
It comes as a surprise when she shows up to the empty classroom with her books and sees Lily, but the girl just smiles at her and tells her it's perfectly fine to need a little help. Narcissa nods. She feels anxious, but it's... good, too. She even smiles at Lily before they begin, and has to hold in a blush at her own childishness. Lily doesn't seem to mind her silence, and they get through the half hour quickly, agreeing to meet the next week at the same place.
Andromeda's outside of the classroom when Narcissa leaves, and she links their elbows as they begin to walk towards their common room.
"Narcissa," she says after several moments of silence, "You know I don't care much, but- you know that girl... Well. She's a muggleborn."
Narcissa didn't know, but the discovery doesn't disgust her like it should. If anything it sends a jolt of excitement through her chest. Definitely against the rules, then.
She shrugs slightly, and Andromeda sighs, pressing a kiss to the side of her head.
"Just don't tell Bella, okay? Don't tell anyone if you can help it."
Narcissa nods. When she looks at Andromeda, really looks at her, she can see that she looks exhausted. Narcissa almost wants to ask why, but she knows she can't, so instead she smiles. Andromeda smiles back, but it doesn't feel real. Then again, nothing really does.
During their next session, Narcissa gets up the courage to speak to Lily instead of just nodding. Lily's in the middle of explaining the volatile relationship between dragonfly thoraxes and fairy wings when Narcissa clears her throat. Lily stops talking abruptly, something like hope in her eyes.
"I, um. You should- be careful. Don't tell anyone you're... tutoring me. My sister would be angry, and I don't want..." I don't want you to get hurt, is what she wants to say, but she doesn't think she could keep herself from blushing. Instead she shrugs.
"I- What?" Lily looks confused, and Narcissa has to talk more and what if she messes up-
"My sister is, uh. Bellatrix Black. And she- I don't care, you know, about- but she... does. A lot. So be careful." And now Narcissa really is blushing, and this is terrible, this is the worst thing that could have happened-
"I can take care of myself, trust me. But it's sweet of you to be concerned." Lily grins at her, and it's almost too much again. Narcissa doesn't want to move, ever, wants to stay here and watch Lily smile for eternity. She blushes harder and looks back at her textbook, squeezing her hands into fists under the table until she's sure her knuckles are white.
They continue tutoring until the end of the year. Narcissa starts to speak more, and her and Lily become something like friends. Narcissa still gets butterflies in her stomach every time Lily smiles, but she tells herself it's just because she's jealous of how pretty she is. It's a lie, of course, but Narcissa hasn't felt things this deeply in years, and she's always been good at tricking herself.
During their last session, Lily offers to write her over the summer. "I- don't think that's a good idea," Narcissa says, and is surprised to see something like disappointment on Lily's face. "But I'll see you next year, right? We can- meet in the library, study there?" She smiles, a real one, and Lily grins back.
"Alright, then. I'll miss you." And then Lily hugs her, and Narcissa forgets to breathe, can do nothing but smile and wave goodbye and ignore how warm she feels all over.
During the summer, Andromeda leaves, and Narcissa forgets to feel anything but sad. It's like an ache that goes deeper than her bones, something in her soul that drags her down. Regulus comes over, too, now that Sirius isn't around the house causing trouble. He's moved in with the Potter boy, and Regulus doesn't say anything but she can tell he misses him. They lay on her bed and look at the ceiling a lot, playing opera music and finding comfort in each other's presence because they know neither of them will ever leave.
It feels more like a trap than a comfort, after a while, but she doesn't say anything. She's just so tired.
They go back to school. Bellatrix isn't there anymore, which should feel freeing but just makes Narcissa twice as paranoid. She knows her older sister has people watching her to make sure she's safe, and if it wasn't for Lily she probably wouldn't mind.
But as it is she looks over her shoulder when she goes to the library and jumps at every noise. Her and Lily barely talk, just study next to each other, but it's what keeps Narcissa sane. She doesn't think she could go without it, and that scares her.
In December, Lily whispers for Narcissa to meet her on the left corridor on the seventh floor at midnight. Narcissa doesn't even think before agreeing, a smile coming easily.
It isn't until that night, as she's sneaking through the castle with her heart in her throat, that she realizes how scared she is. The fact that she's doing it anyways scares her even more.
When she gets there, Lily is waiting. There's nothing in front of them but a wall, and Narcissa frowns. Lily just grins mischievously and begins to pace.
Narcissa is busy watching her and doesn't notice the door materializing, but when Lily points, her jaw drops. Lily opens the door and beckons for her to come inside. Slowly and cautiously, Narcissa does. She's beginning to realize she can't say no when Lily smiles at her.
The room behind the door is nice. There's a fireplace and a couch and a couple bookshelves, but there's nothing special about its appearance. Still, it brings a lump to her throat, because it's a place just for them.
"I- this is- thank you," Narcissa says. She can't stop herself from smiling. She feels like she could fly, actually. She feels like she could do anything.
This is when Lily kisses her, just a brush of her lips against Narcissa's. And she knows it's wrong and bad and there will be hell to pay, but right now it feels like nothing else exists, and Narcissa wants this. She finally understands that she has all along.
So it's not smart when she leans in and kisses back, but there's fireworks going off in her head brighter and better than anything you could find at Zonko's, and she ignores everything but Lily's soft lips and the faint scent jasmine scent of her perfume.
Narcissa is in love.
She knows, logically, that this is very very bad. Even if Lily wasn't a girl, she's a muggleborn, and a Gryffindor, and this could get them both killed. But she's happy, blindingly so, as long as she doesn't think about the consequences.
This lasts for a couple months. They meet in the Room of Requirement late at night to kiss and talk and kiss some more. It never goes below the neck, though Narcissa discovers noises she didn't know she could make when Lily begins to gently suck on a spot behind her ear. Things are almost perfect.
She gets sloppy, though. She stops covering her tracks so carefully. One night, she and Lily leave the room at half past 3, and as Lily kisses her goodbye, she hears a noise.
She doesn't say anything, trying to convince herself it's just ghost or a cat or anything other than one of Bella's stalkers. She's almost at the Slytherin dorms, still convincing herself she's safe, when Rosier slips out of the shadows.
Her breath stops in her throat. She's thinking no, no, no, no, no but nothing comes out. Her world is coming crashing down because he's got this sad, serious look on his face and he knows.
"I won't tell her if you end it by the end of the week," he whispers, and she still can't breathe but tears are welling up in her eyes. "I don't want anything bad to happen, Cissa, but you- you've gotta end it."
He looks scared, and she realizes he's putting himself at risk too. She would be grateful if her heart wasn't splintering in her chest.
The tears begin to spill over, and she nods. He brings a hand up as if to wipe her tears away but thinks better of it.
She makes it back to her dorm before she breaks down into sobs.
She sees Lily again a couple days later, and her heart jolts painfully. This is it. A note finds its way into her bag telling her to come to "their room" at midnight, like usual, and she can feel her heart ache in protest of what she has to do.
She shows up early. She doesn't think she can do it in their haven, so she'll have to do it in the corridor. Lily arrives only a minute or two after her, and Narcissa finds herself wishing that she had been late. Anything to put this off.
Lily kisses her hello, and Narcissa keeps their lips pressed together a couple seconds longer than usual. It's the last time they'll kiss, after all. She needs to remember this, every second of it.
"So, shall we-" Lily gestures towards the wall with a soft smile, and it hurts, it actually hurts, when Narcissa makes herself shake her head.
Lily frowns, and Narcissa knows she has to act now.
"We can't anymore. We have to stop. Someone- people know. So we have to stop." The words are like poison in her mouth.
Lily opens her mouth and closes it. She looks shocked, but this shouldn't be a surprise. Narcissa wants nothing more than to hug her and tell her it's going to be okay, but she keeps her arms to herself. It'll take some getting used to, so she has to start practicing now.
"But... your sister, Andromeda," Lily says, genuine confusion on her face. "Didn't she...?"
Narcissa's breath catches in her throat. "She did. But I can't, and I won't, so."
"But I love you. I thought you'd-"
Narcissa closes her eyes. She can't see Lily cry, can't be here anymore. She wants to say she loves her too, more than anything, but it's not safe, and there's so many reasons it can't happen it makes her dizzy. She knows if she tells Lily how she feels she won't be able to let her go.
She takes a breath, keeps her eyes shut. "You were wrong." She counts to three, turns around, begins walking. Lily doesn't follow. Lily doesn't say anything. Narcissa opens her eyes and doesn't look back, just turns the corner and says goodbye, I love you, goodbye, I'll miss you in her head.
It was always going to end, of course, because everything does. Narcissa never expected anything else. But she buys herself a bottle of jasmine perfume the day she graduates, and she wears it for the rest of her life.