This fic is based upon the British stand up comedy quiz show 'Mock the Week', it is a fantastic show and never fails to make m
This fic is based upon the British stand up comedy quiz show 'Mock the Week', it is a fantastic show and never fails to make me laugh; I decided to do a final fantasy X-2 Mock the Week story. As this is a first attempt at writing a comedy show and also because I am testing the water with it before I write more, I have 'borrowed' some segments and routines from the real show. So to those of you who do know the show and read bits that seem familiar, you now know why. This story is therefore a mix of 'borrowed' and original material. If people think its funny enough, I will probably write more episodes, containing more original material.
Oh, two more things; first it has been more than a year since I last wrote a fic so technical quality may well be an issue, feel free to point out bits that need fixing. Secondly this one shot does poke fun at characters from the game; characters that are probably quite popular, all I will say is, if it offends you, grow up; this is satire.
Enjoy.
Mock the Week Episode 1
With the proliferation of spherevision, a new form of entertainment has gripped Spira, with Sin and Vegnagun's destruction people are finding it easier to laugh once again. This has led to the creation of many an entertainment show, most popular of which was Mock the Week, a stand up comedy quiz show hosted by the former Gullwing pilot, Buddy.
The filming studio for mock the week was divided into two sections, one side of the studio had where the performers would sit down at a 'V' shaped desk, with buddy separating the two teams of three comedians. The other side of the stage was the stand up performance area where both teams would go up onto raised steps and wait for their turn to do a comedy performance. An oversized spherevision was set behind the stage, for the games that required it. This is how one particular episode unfolded.
"Hello and welcome to Mock the Week, I'm your host, Buddy, to work their way through a series of satirical games I am joined this week by six of Spira's finest comedy performers; Biggs, Wedge, Jimma, Nahdala, Letty and Luzzu, welcome to you all."
The audience applauded as Buddy stepped off the stage and took his seat.
"Our first round is called 'Headliners', in this round we show our contestants a picture featured in one of Spira's many newspaper front pages and the initials of the title that went with it. So here on the spherevision is a picture of the reunification of Yuna and Tidus. But what does 'T.F.F.Y.' stand for?"
"Is it 'Tidus' face frightens Yuna?" says Biggs, to the audience's amusement, "Yeah, Yuna suddenly realised Tidus was the most effeminate man she'd ever met, now she gets nervous every time she sees him, she's worried she might be a lesbian.""Is it 'Tidus flashes flustered Yuna'?" inputted Letty, to the howls of the audience.
"That's one hell of a way to greet a long lost loved one isn't?" says Buddy "'Oh my darling I missed… what are you doing? Put that away... for now.' Lets face it we all know what's going to shortly follow that photo." He mused.
"Someone better have a hose at the ready on that beach!" commented Jimma.
"How do you think I feel? I live near them." moaned Luzzu, "And you can't soundproof Besaid tents!"
"Well, be that as it may I'm afraid none of those answers are correct." informed Buddy.
"Is it 'This fucker fancies Yuna'?" asked Wedge.
Buddy shook his head, "We usually use this round to shave off any air of decency Wedge may have had before the show. A week away from this and he may have just had a happy time and then we give him this to do at the very start and he's just roaring and spitting like a rutting Ronso."
"I always thought Tidus was a bit gay, maybe Wedge got the name wrong, is it 'this fucker fancies Yaibal'?" suggested Letty, to the laughter of the audience and the rolling eyes of Buddy.
"No I'll give you a clue, the first three words aren't 'this fucker fancies,' followed by a series of names beginning with 'Y', so it's not 'this fucker fancies Yunalesca' or 'this fucker fancies Yojimbo'" responded Buddy.
"Is it then, 'That fucker fancies Yuna'?" Nadhala asked, mockingly.
"Heh, very good," chortles Buddy as he looks to the audience "We were told, when we were all sitting here earlier that 'you know you kind of hit the limit on the 'fucks' last week', with THREE, eeerr so..." he lamented.
"Is it," piped up Luzzu "Tired fatty fondles Yuna?"
Buddy laughed, "Tidus obviously let himself go during his absence; he hasn't been keeping up with his blitz ball and the first thing Yuna's going to tell him is 'I think we should see other people!' Seriously though can anyone tell me the answer?"
"How about 'terrible fucker fancies Yuna?' asked Wedge.
"No, it's not surprisingly enough, for the same reason." sighed Buddy.
"How about "This fucking..." started Biggs
"It's not Fuck! The 'F's' don't stand for 'Fuck'," interrupts Buddy impatiently to the amusement of everyone else, he then puts his finger onto his earpiece, "Sorry, what was that in my ear? Can we move onto the next round, can you Buddy please exert some form of control over these people? Can you?" he says to the laughter of the studio. "Can anyone tell me the proper answer?"
"Is it 'Tidus finally finds Yuna" asked Wedge.
"It is indeed, well done Wedge." announced Buddy to the applause of the audience. "Yes, this is the news that finally after two years in the Farplane, Tidus, Yuna's long lost boyfriend has been freed by on the the ethereal world by one of the old Fayth spirits. Well done to everyone in that round, points go to Wedge, Letty and Luzzu!"
Buddy waited for the audience to quiet down, and then spoke, "Our next round is called 'If this is the answer, what is the question?' On the board there are six categories, Nadhala if you could choose a category please."
"I choose… health please Buddy."
"Ok, the answer is '15 percent', what is the question?"
"Is it what percentage of Nooj is metal?" asked Nadhala, "She said satirically" she added.
"Ha! It's not the answer I have but it is probably around that percentage for the Youth league leader."
"Is it 'what is the chance of Rikku positively responding to the chat up line 'You want pumped?'" asked Jimma.
"Is it 'what percentage of men think foreplay is important?'" posed Nadhala, to the cheers of the women in the audience.
"Is it 'what percentage of women are perfectly happy to give it as well as receive?" enquired Luzzu to the roars of the male audience members.
"Is it 'what proportion of my penis is medically safe for a woman to accommodate?'" asked Letty.
"Is it how much of what Letty just said is bullshit?" retorted Nadhala
"Hey, if only 15 of what I just said is bullshit, I'm still doing pretty well!" laughs Letty.
"Is it 'how much of her day does Paine spend thinking pleasant thoughts'?" suggested Biggs.
"Is it 'What proportion of the world hasn't slept with Rikku?'" asked Wedge.
Buddy laughed out loud at that last joke, remembering his old Gullwing partner.
"I'm afraid it's none of those answers, can anyone tell me?" inquired Buddy.
"I think I saw this one actually, it was a recent statistic; 'in its final year of existence, Sin was responsible for 15 of all human fatalities in the whole of Spira." answered Biggs.
"That is the correct answer, well done Biggs. Yes this is the recent and surprising result in a world wide statistic that, despite the fear surrounding it, Sin only accounted for 15 of all human deaths in Spira, the two main culprits for human deaths in the final year of sin's existence were either natural causes, at 46 or fiends at 32"
The contestants looked at each other rather surprised at the answer.
"Our next round is called 'Between the lines' this is for Biggs and Wedge if you could make your way over to the performance area please. In this round Wedge takes on the role of a person addressing the media and Biggs tells us what they really mean. Wedge you are Machine Faction leader Gippal, addressing his Faction, away you go.
"Hello ladies and gentlemen."
"Hello ladies."
"It is good to see so many of you here to today."
"I'm assuming there are as many of you on the right side of my vision as there are on my left."
"I know my recent disappearance has placed difficulty on the machine faction."
"We're now over stocked on 13mm screws."
"But my absence was absolutely necessary."
"I can't stand the site of any of you."
"We have consolidated our position within the political spectrum of Spira."
"I was recently voted the sexiest of the three world leaders."
"I now know what must be done to better this party."
"I'll persuade Rikku to blow me if it kills me."
"I would like to reassure you all, that my mind is now fully focused on the task at hand."
"Look at the tits on her!"
"In closing, the future for the machine faction is looking brighter than ever."
"Can someone please stop shining that light in my eye? It's the only one I've got!"
The audience laughs hysterically as the pair sat back in their seats.
"Well done to both Biggs and Wedge in that round, but the points go to Biggs in that round!" Buddy announced, waiting for the applause to die down. "Our next round is called 'Wheel of news' this is for Letty, Jimma, Nadhala and Luzzu, if you could make your way over to the performance area please. In this round the spherevision spins a virtual wheel of pictures and when it stops I call out the topic the picture at the top of the wheel represents and one of the performers has to do a stand up routine on the topic."
The spherevision screen spun a wheel of pictures and stopped with a picture of a tramp on the streets of Luca at the top of the wheel.
"Ok, the subject is homelessness." declared Buddy, and Jimma stepped over to the microphone in the centre of the stage.
"I had a great incident with a homeless guy the other day… that sounds fairly dodgy." He stated to the laughter of the audience, "But anyway I was walking down the street and I passed this homeless guy and he had a dog with him and as I was passing him he said 'Oy mate, I've got a magic dog!' now that's a sentence that buys you half an hour with me. So I stopped to talk to him and I noticed that the dog had sick all over it and so did this homeless guy, so I asked him, 'what happened?' and he said 'Oh, we was asleep in a dumpster and some bloke chucked up on us.'" At this statement the audience gave a sympathetic moan.
"It's the most depressing thing I've ever heard, but he looked at me and whispered, rather hoarsely 'No, it was amazing!' I was like, 'really, how's that?' and apparently what he did was, still covered in sick, he leapt up and went 'MRRAAARRGH!!' And apparently this guy was so drunk he thought his vomit had come alive." The audience roared with laughter. "That guy will never drink again; 'you want a beer, Don?' 'IT COMES ALIVE!! IT COMES ALIVE!!' lovely moment!" he put the mic back on the stand and walked back to his chair to the applause of everyone else.
"Well done Jimma! Let's spin the wheel again." The wheel spun and stopped on a picture of a group of people on chocobos and directly above their heads, hovered an airship.
"Ok, the topic is transport, can we have someone come in on that." Luzzu walked up to the mic.
He looked back at the picture on the sphere vision and back at the audience, "I think the moral of that story is 'never ride your chocobo on a landing pad'. I am no stranger to flying on airships ladies and gentlemen, particularly these new so called airbuses where we're packed into as little a space as possible, but what really gets me are the little monitors on the backs of your seats, giving various bits of useless information. I tell you the one that really bother me 'outside air temperature, minus fifty seven degrees' now, I am inside the aircraft. I have no intention of going outside. And if you did find me on the outside of a flying airship, my first reaction isn't going to be 'Oooh, bit nippy!'" Luzzu replaced the mic and sat down to applause.
"Well done Luzzu, which leaves us with Letty and Nadhala, so let's spin the wheel again!"
The wheel spun and stopped on a picture of a pair of security guards in Luca stadium dragging out an unruly spectator. "The topic is crime, who wants to take that?"
"I'll take that one Buddy." announced Nadhala, walking to the mic, "The most important thing to remember about crime is that any law only makes sense in context. Look at sport; punching someone repeatedly in the face is lauded in martial arts, but is seriously frowned upon in sphere- break. Similarly if you go into a fight holding a stack of numbered coins, it is going to be literally seconds before you're staring at some lights. Further more, Shuyin, now there's a man whose life story would move most people to tears, but think about it, he may have been a spirit broken by lost love, but he was technically guilty of 2 billion counts of attempted murder, theft of property, trespassing abduction of two world leaders and assault with a deadly weapon. And yet he walks the Farplane free today; there really is no justice!" Nadhala finished and sat down to everyone's applause.
"Well done Nadhala, that leaves us with Letty, let's spin the wheel a final time."
The wheel selected a picture of an Al Bhed man wearing a white overcoat and looking at beakers filled with colourful liquids. "Ok Letty the final topic is 'Science'"
"My, uh, my favourite science thing recently was that thing where the Spiran space agency had a 'successful probe that crash landed' on of the asteroids that now orbit Spira, thanks to Sin. Now to me, nothing is that successful if it crashes. That's a bit like saying you've swum from Besaid to Kilika after your corpse has washed up on a beach!" the audience guffawed with laughter, "surgeons say they have now developed face transplants, surly the best thing about a face transplant is that you can go to the donor's sending and go ''whooOOOOooo!'" Letty took a moment to let everyone calm down then carried on, "have you heard that science thing, that if you put a piranha into boiling water, it'll leap out. But if you put it into a pan of cold water and heat it up, it won't realise, and it'll die. Or to put it another way, scientists have an awful lot of time on their hands! 'Shall we have a go at curing cancer?' 'No, I want to see how many Tonberries it takes to choke a Malboro!'" He finished up to thunderous mirth.
"Well done to Letty in that round, points go to… points go to Wedge Letty and Luzzu! Now we come to our final quick fire round, this is for everyone so if you could all make your way over to the performance area please. The way this game works is I call out ideas for scenarios we'd love to see and the performers step up to the mic and give their suggestions. Ok, on the sphere vision we have the first topic, 'Bad ways for Meyvn Nooj to address Spira'"
"You thought Seymour was a shit, watch this!" says Luzzu.
"People of Spira, when I address you like this did you know sometimes I get so excited a little bit of wee comes out?" suggested Nadhala.
"I would like to begin by saying that my girlfriend is hotter than yours." declared Jimma.
"In these troubled times between our parties, I would like to reach out to Praetor Baralai and say 'I have shagged your mother.'" says Letty again.
"No… don't make me do it mother!" cried Wedge.
"I'm M to the N and this is how I role; you got beef with me you kiss my A-double-S Hooolllle!" rapped Biggs.
"No, I haven't decided to change into pink trousers with a faux blond hair belt; that's LeBlanc asking for her own airship." inputted Wedge at which point Buddy collapsed in his chair with in hysterics as Luzzu and Nadhala doubled over, their hands cupped over their faces in glee.
"Brilliant," mumbled a breathless Buddy, "Ok our next topic is 'Ill advised things to say in court."
"How could she have seen my face, I was wearing a balaclava!" announced Biggs.
"So to summarise, there's no evidence, but he does look a bit rapey." pointed out Jimma.
"You're honour, that wig looks really gay." says Letty.
"Your honour if you'd like I've got the address of a really good Guado cleaner." says Nadhala, shifting through her pockets.
"Well, if stabbing a man makes me guilty, I'm guilty!" called out Wedge.
Jimma walks up to the mic, "I would like to present my own defence, through the medium of dance!" he exclaimed as he danced his way back to his area.
"So, if I'm found not guilty, can I keep all the stuff I nicked?" asked Nadhala.
"And I put it to you m'lud, that that child is sexy." says Luzzu with pursed lips. Buddy shook his head in amused dismay.
"Oi wiggy I've done your daughter!" shouted Wedge.
"I was performing the Heimlich manoeuvre and it sort of turned into the wheelbarrow position!" says Biggs, innocently.
"And let me say this; sentencing you will give me an overwhelming wave of sexual pleasure… send him down!" says Nadhala sinisterly.
"Ok," Buddy interrupted, "Our next topic is; things Rikku would never say." All of the contestants looked at each other knowingly.
"You're making this very easy aren't you buddy?" asked Nadhala looking to the presenter.
"Yes, I am, incidentally that's exactly how I responded to Rikku and that very same question!" laughed Buddy to the studio's mirth. "Anyway get on with it."
"Did you say that to her as well?" asked Luzzu causing Buddy to rest his head on the desk. The contestants carried on as bidden.
Letty walked up to the mic slowly with a grin on his face; on the verge of cracking up, "What do you mean spit it out?" he stopped there, unable to continue from his own laughing and the audience.
After the hysteria died down, Nadhala stepped to the mic, "Do you think I should wear a bit more?"
"Brother is a sensible cool headed guy who I have at no point wanted to smash across the face repeatedly with a piece of heavy mining equipment." says Wedge.
"I know everything." says Biggs.
"I think we should formulate a carefully considered plan before mindlessly rushing in to kill all the fiends." suggested Letty.
"Actually I prefer Ronsos." says Jimma joyfully.
"As you can see from the test graph the change in mass is exponentially influenced by the changing differential of the quark lattice…" says Luzzu in a posh voice, interrupted by the audience laughter.
"Singing heartbreaking songs doesn't solve anything!" bawled Letty.
"Have you ever seen so much yellow it turns to blood?" rumbled Wedge.
"Left ankle, this is right ankle, right ankle, this is left ankle, it so good you two can finally meet." mused Biggs to the roaring laughter of the studio.
"Ok, that's the end of the round, points go to everyone, fantastic stuff there, and everyone sit down, I think. That is the end of the show, thanks go to Biggs, Wedge, Jimma, Letty, Nadhala and Luzzu and thank you for watching, I'm Buddy, we'll see you next week, goodnight!