The thing I told myself, I kept telling myself over and over was that the
minute this place took my soul, I would leave.
The very second I grew heartless and too daring, that I would
quit.
Just the idea of being and turning into someone that I didn't know, and
didn't trust, I would leave County.
**********
not sayin'
not charmed at all
not sayin'
that you weren't worth
the fall
and i was alone when
i knew it was real
down the canyon
when i knew i had come
**********
The morning was the same. The same dark gray sky, the same feeling of
pure dread that pulled her from the sheets into the bathroom, where
she washed her face and prayed.
"I've wanted this for so long. Just let me go on one more day"
There are lines on her porcelain skin that wasnn't there before. Bruises
on her temple, where the gun had pressed into her head, bruises where he
grabbed her wrist, pressed his cold fingers into her racing pulse, the
twitching wrist.
"I gave up so much to be here."
Holding up a clump of hair to the light, she saw lines of gray.
**********
to the line
through the dawn
to the light
to the turn
when you said
**********
I wanted to be whole. I had spent so much time here, that I didn't
realize when I'd become the person I always hated.
I had been through so much hurt that I couldn't tell when I didn't
feel anymore. When I would look into the face of an anglo-man and
scowl.
Scowl because I didn't know what they were thinking. How they were
thinking. And if they were all insane and violent and wanted to kill
me.
I had become this person I hadn't wanted to be.
**********
you could drive
all night
drive all night
*********
Holding her breath meant she could stop her heart from beating. Her heart
from breaking. It was easier to take advantage of her when she was taking
each breath, gasping for life.
Life didn't exist in these halls.
Everytime she looked at her face in the mirror, she saw the woman
that panicked. The woman that cried out, her knees shook, tears
wanted to race down her face.
Stepping into her trousers, she could hear the comments already.
"Maybe it is too soon. Go home, Jing Mei"
Buttoning her blouse, her hands shook. Cold hands that looked blue in
the bare light of her bedroom.
"Are you sure you're okay?"
She fell. Fell fast, fell hard, fell quickly into the bed, not moving
for a minute, feeling herself smothered in the sheets, in the big lead-like
quilt. At least then she could feel.
***********
so i let crazy
take a spin
then i let crazy
settle in
kicked off my shoes
shut reason out
he said "first let's just
unzip your religion
down"
************
There are monsters under the bed. Monsters in the hall, lurking in
the corners, waiting to grab me, make me cry.
They were never, ever to see you cry. That means defeat, that means
you're weak.
It means you're giving into to everything bad, and awful the hospital
stands for.
It's not healing. It's not clean, or sane.
The best thing to do, is stand back and watch your best friend disappear
into the nothingness, watch it chip away at this person you'd always admired,
stand back and tuck your hands behind your back, and just be silent.
*************
found that i
i craved at all
saw me melt
into your
native shelter
where you carved my
name
paper tigers scare
and came
**************
The alarm clock blinked twelve over and over, the bright red lights
making shadows on her wall.
And she sat there, clutching her bag in her hands. So many years now,
that she learned when to go to work. It was internal.
This stirring inside her. Cold, goosebumps, nausea.
Phone rings once, twice. She eyed the coffee in her old coffee pot, the
top covered in spiderwebs, the pot boiling over with gray mold. She
was never home. It didn't matter.
Whenever she stopped in front of the refrigator, it was always someone
else's face staring back at her.
"I want you dead. DEAD!"
**************
and as soon
as you have
rearranged the mess
in your head
he will show up looking
sane
perfectly sane
if i know crazy
****************
They all stop when I came in. Like when I returned after having the
baby, they all stop and look at me. Watch me.
..."Patient in Curtain 2 is pissed, Luka!" Randi called,"She's calling
a lawyer"
And it started. This frenzy that's so easy to get lost in. That doesn't
stop, ever.
It'll freeze, when someone cries, someone screams..
When someone holds a gun to your head.
minute this place took my soul, I would leave.
The very second I grew heartless and too daring, that I would
quit.
Just the idea of being and turning into someone that I didn't know, and
didn't trust, I would leave County.
**********
not sayin'
not charmed at all
not sayin'
that you weren't worth
the fall
and i was alone when
i knew it was real
down the canyon
when i knew i had come
**********
The morning was the same. The same dark gray sky, the same feeling of
pure dread that pulled her from the sheets into the bathroom, where
she washed her face and prayed.
"I've wanted this for so long. Just let me go on one more day"
There are lines on her porcelain skin that wasnn't there before. Bruises
on her temple, where the gun had pressed into her head, bruises where he
grabbed her wrist, pressed his cold fingers into her racing pulse, the
twitching wrist.
"I gave up so much to be here."
Holding up a clump of hair to the light, she saw lines of gray.
**********
to the line
through the dawn
to the light
to the turn
when you said
**********
I wanted to be whole. I had spent so much time here, that I didn't
realize when I'd become the person I always hated.
I had been through so much hurt that I couldn't tell when I didn't
feel anymore. When I would look into the face of an anglo-man and
scowl.
Scowl because I didn't know what they were thinking. How they were
thinking. And if they were all insane and violent and wanted to kill
me.
I had become this person I hadn't wanted to be.
**********
you could drive
all night
drive all night
*********
Holding her breath meant she could stop her heart from beating. Her heart
from breaking. It was easier to take advantage of her when she was taking
each breath, gasping for life.
Life didn't exist in these halls.
Everytime she looked at her face in the mirror, she saw the woman
that panicked. The woman that cried out, her knees shook, tears
wanted to race down her face.
Stepping into her trousers, she could hear the comments already.
"Maybe it is too soon. Go home, Jing Mei"
Buttoning her blouse, her hands shook. Cold hands that looked blue in
the bare light of her bedroom.
"Are you sure you're okay?"
She fell. Fell fast, fell hard, fell quickly into the bed, not moving
for a minute, feeling herself smothered in the sheets, in the big lead-like
quilt. At least then she could feel.
***********
so i let crazy
take a spin
then i let crazy
settle in
kicked off my shoes
shut reason out
he said "first let's just
unzip your religion
down"
************
There are monsters under the bed. Monsters in the hall, lurking in
the corners, waiting to grab me, make me cry.
They were never, ever to see you cry. That means defeat, that means
you're weak.
It means you're giving into to everything bad, and awful the hospital
stands for.
It's not healing. It's not clean, or sane.
The best thing to do, is stand back and watch your best friend disappear
into the nothingness, watch it chip away at this person you'd always admired,
stand back and tuck your hands behind your back, and just be silent.
*************
found that i
i craved at all
saw me melt
into your
native shelter
where you carved my
name
paper tigers scare
and came
**************
The alarm clock blinked twelve over and over, the bright red lights
making shadows on her wall.
And she sat there, clutching her bag in her hands. So many years now,
that she learned when to go to work. It was internal.
This stirring inside her. Cold, goosebumps, nausea.
Phone rings once, twice. She eyed the coffee in her old coffee pot, the
top covered in spiderwebs, the pot boiling over with gray mold. She
was never home. It didn't matter.
Whenever she stopped in front of the refrigator, it was always someone
else's face staring back at her.
"I want you dead. DEAD!"
**************
and as soon
as you have
rearranged the mess
in your head
he will show up looking
sane
perfectly sane
if i know crazy
****************
They all stop when I came in. Like when I returned after having the
baby, they all stop and look at me. Watch me.
..."Patient in Curtain 2 is pissed, Luka!" Randi called,"She's calling
a lawyer"
And it started. This frenzy that's so easy to get lost in. That doesn't
stop, ever.
It'll freeze, when someone cries, someone screams..
When someone holds a gun to your head.