Chapter 1

Its funny the way people suddenly evolve after high school, as if emerging from the academic constraints shakes loose all of those personality traits we try to conceal and we become the real us… Some people get married, get pregnant, get careers, get laid.

Castiel Novak focused on putting the deadbeat town of Lawrence, Kansas in his rear view as fast as he could and never looking back, and he managed it spectacularly. Castiel buried himself in his new life in Atlanta, throwing himself into working through college all for the ultimate goal of becoming a lawyer. He spoke to his parents frequently and they would drop little bits and pieces of information about his graduation class and family friends. They visited a couple of times a year, he thought they were glad of the distraction now that they were retired and they never pushed for him to return to Kansas. Finishing law school with distinction, he fell into a job with a local firm, it was small but the people were great.

It was early sunday morning when Castiels cell phone broke the sleepy stillness of his bedroom, drilling mercilessly into his ear and dragging him into the waking world hours earlier than he wished. He groped wildly at his bedside table, searching for the accursed object and noticing ruefully that he was alone in his small bedroom, not that he had expected anything more than a quick fuck, but a goodbye would have been nice.

"Hello?" Castiels voice was rough, throat dry in the aftermath of his nights excursions. His head protested along with his throat, hangover flying to the fore when he opened his eyes to seek out the time and maybe a cigarette if he was lucky. The other end of the phone had remained curiously silent, he lit a cigarette with a frown, trying to ignore the unfamiliar cologne wafting from the other side of the bed. "Hey, anyone there?"

"Cas- Castiel." It was his mother, she sounded upset.

"Mom, are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm- I'm fine sweetheart, its-"

"Dad?" He asked sharply, heart speeding up.

"Your father is fine, Castiel." she said it softly, but he could still hear her voice shaking, "It's Jo, honey. There was an accident-"

"Mom? Is she okay?" Now his voice was shaking too.

"There was an accident- Ellen says- Ellen says she's-" she was sobbing now and Castiel could hear everything in the sound, as if there weren't words designed to encompass a loss like this. Of course there weren't words, the guttural sounds emerging from his own mouth could attest for that. They continued like that, laying grief upon grief for some unknowable amount of time, Castiels cigarette scorched his fingers as if scorned by his inattention and he cursed loudly, his Mother's sobs halted at that, and she seemed to pull herself together, "We've bought you a plane ticket honey, you need to come home."

"Yes, mom." He rubbed his face trying to push the tears away until he was ready to process them properly, his mother relayed the flight details and said her goodbyes. He had three hours to pack and get to the airport, he wasted no time in pulling his case from the closet and piling his clothes haphazardly into it.

His hands were shaking when he started dressing, it took him three goes to get his pants on properly but he persevered, rewarding himself with another cigarette when he was finally dressed. His hands were still shaking and his mind was on red alert, he would have to call his boss on the way to the airport and ask his neighbour to keep an eye on the house in his absence. He made his way downstairs with his case trailing heavily behind him as he entered the kitchen, thinking vaguely about the note for Mrs. Mackenzie next door and grabbed the note pad, only to find that it already had a scrawled message attached. Ten numbers and a cheekily written, 'Had a great night, call me. James x'. He frowned at it in confusion for a second before he remembered the cologne on his spare pillow, the weight of the man as he pushed him against the wall of the seedy club, rough hands and rougher lips. Castiel tore the sheet free and balled it in his fist, furious at himself for his weakness. He couldn't think about it, couldn't process the concept that while he was laying himself out like a cheap whore his best friend had been- She had needed him and he wasn't there, nothing would ever be right again. His head throbbed again as he scribbled out the note to Mrs. Mackenzie and strode to the door, grabbing his case on the way and locking himself out without a backwards look.

**********

The trip to the airport took longer than he expected, the traffic so heavy that he made it to the terminal just in time to check in and race to the gate. It was only when he had finally boarded the plane that he realised he hadn't showered or brushed his teeth and had forgotten to call his boss, not that he could rectify any of these mistakes now the fasten seatbelts sign was flashing and the steward was giving his safety instructions at the front of the small cabin. Castiel took little notice of the demonstration, his head felt oddly devoid of thoughts as if his mother's news had ceased all normal thought processes. It was with the unnerving feeling of emptiness that shook him to the core that the plane took off, Castiel let his head fall back and let the feeling of flying lull him to sleep.

His father was waiting at the arrivals gate with the look of a man lost at sea when Cas landed, not that he looked any better himself. He had caught a glimpse of his reflection in the bathroom and he looked like shit but couldn't find it in himself to care, what did it matter how he looked now? His father embraced him hard, pulling him into his arms as if he were an anchor of hope in this grim reality. Cas allowed himself to return the hug just as fervently, needing to be close to someone, anyone who might understand his pain. After what felt like an age they moved out into the warm Kansas air and got into the car. His father didn't speak much, only filling the heavy silence to tell him that Sylvia was with Ellen, for which Cas was glad. He made a quick call to his bosses voicemail, explaining that he needed the week off and to call him, he really didn't want to try and explain this to a machine while his father listened to every word.

After eight years of absence the drive to his once-home was jarring, familiarity mixed with the new that made his heart ache at all the time he'd spent avoiding his home town. He stared out of the window silently assessing the differences that made his head hurt. When they pulled up to the house it was with a dread feeling he left the car, wishing he could just curl up in his old bed and lock the world away. He couldn't though, he had to shower, finally brush his teeth, see Ellen. His stomach dropped at the thought.

Father helped with his cases mumbling about making himself at home, the thought was almost laughable. Cas pulled out a change of clothes and showered quickly, the water doing nothing to ease the tension in his body, he didn't think he could face them, all of them, the ones he had left behind. He ran through his thought process with a sick feeling, how could he possibly be this selfish? Here he stood, actually worrying about himself when Ellen and his mother were four miles down the road and needed him. Disgusted he pulled on fresh clothes and hurried back downstairs, his father was waiting for him in the living room, staring at the blank television screen.

"Dad? I think I'm gonna go see mom…" He started carefully, his father looked at him, expression vacant and told him the car keys were on the hook. Cas nodded and headed to the door, pulling the keys for his old pick up with him. He knew his mother had been using it in his absence so didn't worry about it having fallen into disrepair, "I'll be back soon pops." He said softly, closing the door behind him.

***********

The drive over was uneventful, but when he pulled up to the empty parking lot in front of The Roadhouse his stomach seized hard and he found himself falling out of the truck and retching pitifully, the sight of the once welcoming bar that he and Jo had spent so much time in making the reality of the situation hit him full force. His head swam while he tried to get his stomach under control, his chest was tight and he fought for breath, he couldn't walk in there, he couldn't face this. It took him five minutes of controlled breathing to pull himself round, shaking himself free of his pathetic pity party and straightening. He took a step toward the bar door, head high and face rigidly set into grim lines.

It hadn't changed, not one iota. Not that Cas had expected it to have, but walking into the bar was like immersing himself in memories of pool games and stolen beers, of Ash falling asleep on barstools and sliding to the floor without waking, of Jo hurling people out of the doors for being rowdy, of he and Ellen having heart to heart while Jo played REO Speedwagon on a loop, of lost time and forgotten moments. Lazy saturdays sprung to mind, movie marathons and nights wrapped up with her, snuggling against the cold and falling asleep on her bed together. Never again. He couldn't comprehend it.

His mother was behind the bar, serving beer on the house to the solitary patrons, it was still, no music or inane chatter filling the air and the sound of the door swinging closed behind him jarred his senses. Everyone looked up, no one made a sound, Ellen's stool screeched on the hardwood floor as she got to her feet and moved to him as if in a dream. Her face crumpled as she fell onto his chest and she sobbed, clinging to him for dear life, "Cas-" it was drawn out with pain. He ran his hands through her hair, only slightly surprised at the tears that were wetting it as his chest shuddered. "I'm here Ellen, I've got you-" he voice broke and he had no more words. His eyes searched the bar blindly, not seeing the inhabitants, only searching for one person. When he met her tear streaked face he broke. There was no other word that could describe it, his heart was lurching painfully against his rib cage as if protesting.

Ellens fingers clutched at him, holding close the nearest thing she had to her daughter. Breathing him in and feeling the emotion wracked shaking that mirrored her own. His strong hands grasped hers in a tight grip and his kissed each digit carefully, a practiced move that screamed of home to him. In eight years in Atlanta he hadn't forged any relationships that compared with the ones he had abandoned in Lawrence, he was home and the sudden gravity of the knowledge threw him. He was home. His mothers hands joined Ellens in his own and her forehead leaned against his, lending more strength in that moment than he could have ever imagined. His mother led them gently back to the bar, settling them gently into a pair of stools and resuming her place at the pump and patting his hand gently while he cradled Ellen.