10 things that never happen in Final Fantasy 7 Fanfiction

1. Mpreg

Reeve was the last to arrive at Edge General Hospital, in time to see a doctor ramming the biggest syringe he'd even seen into Cloud Strife's abdomen. Tifa had broken the sound barrier as soon as she heard the news, and the others had followed by increments. He might not have been on time, but he'd use the full resources of the WRO if necessary. Cloud was handy to have around when genocidal maniacs were in the area.

The doctor's medical coat was torn and stained, one lens of his glasses cracked. Eyes hazy with pain, Cloud said something. The word Reeve caught was 'Sephiroth'. He snapped out his phone instantly, and began making orders assembling assault squadrons. Some people just did not know when to stay dead.

Still making countermeasures, he sent Cait Sith ahead to hear more. Cloud's eyes had closed, and the doctor turned to the others as the Robotic Cat came within listening range.

Tifa's stare found the doctor, who wrung his hands. "So...what exactly is wrong with him?"

An exhausted pair of eyes met hers. "Are you a relative?"

"I'm his...his...former next door neighbour."

"I...see."

Reeve stepped to her side, handing his phone to Cait Sith to continue mapping strategy.

"Everyone here is trustworthy but the ninja-"

"Hey!"

"Please, tell her what's wrong, even if the rest of us don't need to know. This woman is one of the only survivors of Nibelheim, and she managed not to be hunted down by the Turks all these years. She can keep a secret."

A sigh. "Okay then, ...Commissioner, Madam, if you will follow me?"

They followed him into the corridor. Cait Sith wrapped himself around Yuffie's leg to stop her following.

The Doctor turned to face them. "I don't quite know how to tell you this, but... Cloud Strife is pregnant."

"Whaat!" Commisssioner and barmaid whispered, "How?"

The doctor spread his hands. "I have no idea. Whatsoever." He grimaced. "I swore I'd never say that again after Geostigma."

Tifa didn't speak, so Reeve was left to conduct the remainder of the dialogue.

"He mentioned Sephiroth?"

"The last thing he remembers is a silver haired man slicing his bike to pieces in the middle of the Edge waste. We found evidence of an incision in his chest."

"And...that's it?"

"I'm afraid so. Pregnant is not precisely the right term, but we have no other equivalent. His condition is...unique, as far as I know, in medical history. I've torn the planet apart in the last few hours, looking for anything which might explain this− I even booted up a copy of Hojo's neural data and asked him. Nothing. He's furious."

"I had wondered why he looked so good in that dress..." Tifa murmured, staring out the window.

The Doctor looked at her. "He's not a hermaphrodite. We checked. And I don't think you quite understand the seriousness of the situation. If the foetus makes the wrong move, Cloud will be dead in seconds."

Her head snapped around. "Explain."

"He has no womb, so the foetus...It's not a foetus, by the way, that's just a convenient label. I've never seen anything like this thing. Whatever it is, it's found a home in his stomach, and appears to be sustaining itself by drinking his blood. It may be sentient parasite of some kind, like a tapeworm, but it's developing far too fast. The one thing my colleagues and I agree on is that it will eventually outgrow his body and try to emerge.

"The stomach is not built to contain something like that. As things stand, there's already been massive scarring. If it tries to emerge through his throat, Jugular and Carotid are ruptured, Oesophagus is probably crushed, and his neck might even snap. If it tries to go through the intestines, it'll make a horrific mess of his organs, and I'll be very surprised if Mako enhancements can save him. Option three, it'll take the direct route through his chest. That might almost be survivable , but it'll still be quite messy. I've just sedated the whatever it is, we'll go in to remove it as soon as I can find a surgeon willing to take responsibility, but that's proving hard work. I'll let you know how things turn out."

Inspired by Alien, the BBC TV Show Black Books, and Mpreg fanfiction. Please review