Fortunate Misadventures
Chapter One – Partners In Crime
M&T
CRASH! The sound vibrated through the house, waking the family and causing them to venture downstairs to see what had made the noise. The husband walked down first, carrying a baseball bat in his hands in an attempt to look threatening. The wife followed soon after, her light steps hardly making a sound on the ground and her long nightgown billowing around her.
They carefully walked into the kitchen and switched on the light, surveying the damage. The husband had a look of absolute fury in his eyes. In his anger, he did not notice a cat whip out of the kitchen window. He instead turned to seek his own cat who was hidden somewhere around the house.
Dropping the bat, he turned to his wife. "Beatrice, it's that damned cat again! Where is the little bugger, I'll throttle her!" The wife, a timid woman, put her hand to her lips in shock.
"I do hope she didn't wake Ruth—she's a terribly light sleeper. Eugene, what do you suppose we'll do about Pearl? It keeps happening—almost every night." She rubbed her swollen stomach with her free hand, making a slight gasp as she felt the unborn infant kick inside her.
The husband shot his wife a worried glance before turning to find the snoozing feline. He found her asleep on the settee, curled up in between two plaid pillows. The queen was purring mildly, her eyelids twitching with sleep.
Suddenly, sleep was stolen from her—snatched. The man grasped the feline by the scruff of her neck in one large hand and shook her roughly. He stalked to the kitchen with the cat still in his hand, stepping towards the sink and viciously throwing the cat outside the window. His wife gasped as he then proceeded to slam the window shut.
He grinned suddenly. "She won't bother us if she can't get in." Beatrice tittered slightly, wavering on the spot. "Come my dear, you look tired—something you should not be in your condition. Let us go to bed—we won't be disturbed again."
M&T
Woi'd they kick me owt? Oi didn't do anyfing wrong dis toime. The calico sniffed, infurated. If oi evah find owt who it wos then they'll get a hidin'.
"Wots a pretty queen like ya' doin' owt at dis toime of noight?" When she didn't answer, the voice continued. "Cat got ya' tongue?"
She glared at him and poked her tongue out childishly. She stalked up to him, surveying the area quickly, noting that he was the only cat in sight.
"It wos you, wosn't it? Ya' broke into moi home an' got me kicked owt!" The calico tom grinned, his sharp teeth flashing. He didn't speak for a few seconds. Standing, he walked round her slowly, taking in every detail. He was close—too close. The way he looked at her was almost intimate, as if he knew her very soul.
He brought his muzzle to her ear and began to speak in a low, husky tone. "Well, a tom's gotta eat."
She snorted, ruining the moment. "Yeh well, you're not goin' about thievin' very well if ya' wanna eat." The tom looked affronted for a moment before grinning once more.
"I bet ya' can't do any bettah." He raised an eyebrow before making a deal with the queen. "We'll do a series of heists an' whoevah finishes them first with tha' most loot wins. They'll be tha' best thief." He had a Cheshire-cat grin placed on his face; giving the impression that he thought his idea was amazing.
Rumpleteazer gave the tom a look of contempt. Sitting down, she placed a paw on top of his and replied huskily. "Prepare to lose."
M&T
Giggling loudly, the female neatly jumped upon a fence with a large leg of lamb in her jaws. The male next to her glared with contempt at being outsmarted by the queen. It was a few hours after the bet had been made and they had completed four out of five heists.
They had collected jewellery, pillows and other such knickknacks. They even had a pair of dusty wine glasses. With only one more heist to go, the male looked left towards the queen who was grinning through the succulent meat.
He noted that the queen had stolen more than him and his dignity was at stake. No way was this cheeky little queen going to take his renowned title from him. He was known as King of Thieves to some cats, and that reputation wasn't going to go down the drain because of some sassy female.
"Woi not make this next one more interestin'? There's a house a few doors down from 'ere that looks jus' roight for the pickin'. I've been watchin' the house for a coupla' weeks an' oi've noticed that tha' female 'as been wearin' this expensive lookin' necklace." He looked towards the queen to gage her reaction and noted that she had perked up immensely when she heard that jewellery was on the cards.
"Roight, so wot we're to do is get into the house an' steal the necklace. Oi've been there a few toimes and the woman sleeps with it round 'er neck so we gotta be real careful, 'specially 'cause 'er 'usband is a vicious bloke. 'E don't loike no nonsense."
The calico queen pondered for a moment before replying. "Oi 'fink oi can 'andle it. Wot's the catch?"
The tom smirked, his eyes lighting up in glee. "Whoevah gets th'necklace first gets to get owt of there as fast as they can usin' the quickest escape method. The otha has to go down th' stairs and try an' get past th' nasty pollicle. Oi'm warnin' ya' tho, love—it's a dangerous 'ouse. Are ya' up fer a challenge?"
"Oi'm always ready. Danger is moi middle name."
M&T
The duo proceeded to walk along the narrow wooden fence that showed the perimeter of the house. Looking up, the queen noticed that a window on the second floor was open. Realising that she had seen it before the tom, she clambered up a large tree that, luckily, was situated right before the window.
Scrambling up to a high branch with grace that only a feline could muster, she surveyed the scene.
The queen jumped lightly as she felt a presence behind her and sighed inaudibly when she realised that the tom was standing right behind her. "It's a beautiful 'ouse."
She sneered at him loftily, "A beautiful 'ouse that oi can break into first!"
She carefully crept along a branch and leapt, landing neatly on the windowsill. She crawled in the opened window, alert. The calico tom followed closely behind. The lace curtains fluttered in the breeze as the occupants of the room slept peacefully. A man tossed fitfully, letting out a loud snore. The male calico twitched in anticipation.
The two pounced to the floor, glancing towards the large, wooden bed which held two occupants. The door creaked open silently and a little boy crept into the room, glancing about fearfully. The two felines shot under the bed, cautious of being caught.
"Mummy…" A slight groan could be heard. "Mummy?" A rustling of covers followed soon after.
The two cats observed the boys feet from beneath the bed and watched as the boy quietly climbed upon the bed, a weak creaking noise following. "I had a nightmare mummy. There was this…animal…"
The boy quieted and the cats listened, their ears pricked, as the mother slowly hushed her son back to sleep. A grunting could be heard and suddenly the man spoke. "Another nightmare?"
The woman was silent for a moment before answering her husband in a low whisper. "Yes, it's the third time this week. What'll we do?" The felines looked at each other quickly before ducking out beneath the bed, checking if the coast was clear. They rushed out the door and into long stretch of hallway. The female ran first, sticking her head into any opened doors—checking the area. The male walked slowly behind, watching her. Cocking his ear, he inwardly grinned at her.
"Wot's the rush, sweet'art? The 'ouse ain't goin' anywhere." As she turned to look at him, he winked; slowly and intimately. She scoffed loudly.
"Maybe, but oi don't know moi way around tha' place loike you do. I gotta be prepared. I gotta look in every crevice." She sauntered closer to him, winding her tail through his and whispering in his ear. "Every nook and cranny." He flinched away from her suddenly, breathing deeply.
Sending him a sharp toothed grin, she walked away from him, flicking her tail lightly. The tom stared after her in shock before chasing after her once more.
"Oi say that we look for some otha' loot until they fall asleep again, we can't risk getting' caught." The queen grimaced slightly, indicating that in the past she had an unpleasant experience involving a human. The other calico nodded slightly, pulling an identical expression to the queen.
Finding nothing but useless items on the top floor of the house, the queen crept down the stairs. Sniffing, she looked around, her eyes bright in the darkness. Smirking slightly, she sauntered into the dining room and leapt atop the table, scouring for any shiny knickknacks.
A low growling filled the air and the cat froze in shock. She turned around slowly and eyed the ugly mongrel that was glaring at her from the dining room entrance. She glanced about fearfully, looking for an exit.
The dog took a step forward, the growling sounding more menacing by the second. The queen took one last look at the dog before jumping on top of a large welsh dresser, knocking aside a porcelain china plate, causing it to smash on the floor. The pollicle ceased its growling at the noise and froze in shock, giving the calico a perfect opportunity to leap past the stunted animal and chase back up the staircase.
She quickly ducked into the main bedroom again, only to find the tom hovering over the sleeping woman. She glared at him and was about to make her way towards him before she heard the scratching of claws thudding up the stairs. She turned behind her in fright before she looked at the tom with wide eyes, yelling "Run!"
The dog scrambled into the room, barking fiercely at the pair. The tom, who had previously ignored the female's warning, glanced up in alarm. His paws were frozen above the neck of the sleeping woman.
The husband, a large man, woke up to the tom hovering above his wife. He yelled briefly, waking up his fitful son to his dismay. "Fido! Get that mangy cat out of here!" He looked towards the window, seeing a streak of fur fly out of it. "Two cats? Two! Get them outta here!"
The dog took this as a sign to jump on the bed and chase the cat out of the window. With his tongue out, the pollicle clambered atop the bed, trampling the family and finally waking up the woman. The cat in question quickly regained his ability to move and raced out of the window. Managing to leap to the branch that helped him gain entry to the house, he sat observing the window with his fur ruffled. He watched as the large pollicle stuck its head out of the window, howling and slobbering all over the place.
He shuddered lightly before turning around, only to be face to face with the queen. She had wide, innocent green eyes that were sparkling with mischief. Grinning, she glanced back towards the mutt.
"Well, that woz a close call, eh? We coulda' been pollicle chow there!" He sent a wary grimace in her direction before making his way to the ground, leaping onto the fence before jumping onto the grass. She watched him until he hit the lawn before following him.
"Wot? Av ya' got nuffin' else to say anymore? Ya' were full o' quips earlier! Wot's wrong?" He was facing away from her, fiddling with his loot bag. Looking towards her, he suddenly started laughing, loud guffaws reverberating through the air. She followed soon after, the pair of them hysterical with laughter.
The couple rolled about the ground for a few minutes, identical tears of mirth streaming down their faces. The queen sat up, giggles still escaping her muzzle as she wiped the dewy grass off of her coat.
She gazed at him, jollity evident in her eyes. "Did ya' get the necklace in the end?" She rubbed her neck with a paw in embarrassment. She was mortified that she had not managed to steal the jewellery and that she had awakened the large pollicle.
The tom sat for a moment, watching the queen wriggle in obvious mortification. He thought for a moment, pursing his lips ever so slightly. "Nah, oi didn't. Ya made tha' pollicle almost kill us, remember? I woz so close to gettin' it as well!" He sent a mock glare in her direction before nudging her lightly with his shoulder. "Loighten up will ya'? It's not the end o' the world! It's only a wee necklace!"
She stuck her tongue at him childishly, scrunching up her eyes. "Oi! Don't say tha'! An anyway, now that neither of us got the necklace, oi guess tha' means oi won the bet!" She jumped excitedly on her hind legs whilst the tom mock pouted.
"Oh well, oi guess you're tha' better thief than me. Oi jus' know tha' better locations!" He winked at her semi-affronted disposition, causing her to grin once more. "How about we make this a regular thing? Us thievin'?"
He glanced nervously in her direction, hoping she'd say yes. She was silent for a moment, her lower lip jutting out as she thought. Her eyes suddenly lit up, a mischievous glint in her eyes. Prodding him lightly with a paw, she giggled, a noise which cut through the hush of the night.
"Well oi dunno…oi don't even know yer name yet!"
He grinned and poked her back, his eyes sparkling with an identical impish sheen. "Jerrie's the name, Mungojerrie if ya' wanna be all fancy and proper. Who might you be, luv'?"
She let out a giggle before replying, "Rumpelteazer."
"Well Teazer, how 'bout it? He smirked, holding out a paw for her to shake. "Partners in crime."