Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts, Axel, Demy, Roxy, Sora, Riku...
Sure, it hurt, but it was to be expected, right? I mean, of course he wasn't interested in me. How would someone like him be interested in someone like me? A guy like him did not deserve a guy like me. He was tall, lean, and… other things. I was… nothing. A nobody. I'm sure some of you would disagree, but it's true. I just couldn't believe he did what he did though….
--
Three weeks ago
"Sup Roxy?" Roxy. That was getting annoying. He was always calling me that now. I glared up at the red-head, wondering how on earth he got to be so tall. He was closing in on eighteen, and was already five foot eleven. I, on the other hand, haven't gotten past five foot seven, and I was almost seventeen. I turned my head away from him and glared at the other students walking by us. It was always so crowded in this hall right after fourth hour, and I hated it. You always had to push and shove your way through the halls if you were someone like me. If you were someone like Axel… People made way for you. Maybe it was the fact that he had serious issues with fire, and I mean serious. I've only been here for three years, but I probably know more about Axel than his older brother Reno. I hadn't wanted to know anything about Axel when I first moved here, but I couldn't help it. At first it was annoying when he kept following me around all the time and just kept talking, but then I really started to get interested when he started to talk about his obsession with fire. I don't know why, but it just got a hold me.
"You okay today?" he asked me. I rolled my eyes knowing he couldn't see them. Of course I was okay Axel, I felt like saying. But you could definitely hear the sarcasm in that, couldn't you? And besides, Axel was like, the King of Sarcasm around here.
"Hey, there's Demyx!" his attention span seems a little short these days.
Demyx and I got along every now and then, but he wasn't my closest friend. Too sensitive, I guess. He would never make it in the real world if he always got sick at the sight of blood and hated violence. Blood and violence were what made up the world these days.
"Hey Axel," Demyx walked up to us. "Hey Roxas." he always said my name shyly, like I would do something to him or say something that would embarrass him or whatever. I grunted in his direction, something I've been doing a lot lately. He seemed to shrink back from me and hide behind Axel. Demyx was what you would considered cute: blond hair (even though it was a mullet, it worked for him) blue eyes, and a great personality. Axel was one of those people your parents warned you about: fiery red hair, green eyes, tattoos (just small upside down triangles below his eyes) a nice muscular build, and just one of those attitudes that made you wanna hit him.
"You seem out of it today Roxy," Axel murmured just low enough for me to hear and Demyx not to.
"Why would you care?" I whispered back. Seriously, why would he care?
"'Cause you're my best friend," something ached in my chest when he said that.
"What about Demyx?"
"Just a friend." that shocked me for some reason.
"Nothing more?"
"No, nothing more." we left it at that. The bell had rung and it was time to go to class. Lucky for me, I had no classes with either of them. It made my life easier.
Days passed and nothing happened. Demyx had come down with the flu and had been excused from school for quiet some time. When Axel heard the news, his face had fallen and that day after school he rushed right over to Demyx's house. All Axel had done when I had the flu was call me and tell me he wished he could come over, but couldn't, his brother needed him at home. My cousin had to take care of me, and he didn't like it. Even though Sora likes pretty much about everyone.
About six days later when Demyx was back in school, the three of us never talked much anymore. To this day, I still don't know what happened. But, I'd be walking in the halls, and I'd pass Demyx or Axel's locker and see the two of them holding hands or hugging one another, laughing at something I didn't understand and probably never would. For some reason, there was always an aching pain in my chest when I saw them together.
Axel came up to me one day in the halls after about a week of us not talking to one another. "Roxas, hey, what's up?" he was out of breath. I didn't spare him a glance though. Strangely, I really did not want to be near him, it hurt when I was near him.
Axel looked down at me. It was the end of the day and I could finally go home.
"Hey, Roxas, can I come over today? It is Friday after all… When was the last time I came over on a Friday anyway?" he rambled on and I kept walking. "Roxas? You with me?" no, I was not with him. I can't recall how many times I wished I could be with him, but that was a dream, and like so many of my dreams, they never come true. "Hey, isn't your birthday coming up?" I tripped over some invisible object and almost fell. I hadn't forgotten about my birthday because I was one step closer to leaving. With all the time he's been spending with Demyx, I was sure he had forgotten it though.
He laid his hand on my shoulder and forced me to stop and turn around. I didn't wanna look at him, but it was never a good idea to make Axel angry.
I stared into his oh-so green eyes and felt like I was drowning. And to add to the effect, his eyes were watery. That aching pain in my chest was back when I saw he got all teary-eyed. I looked down at the ground and noticed we were both wearing the same shoes. I didn't want to be reminded of that memory, so I glanced at the lockers over to my left.
"Roxas, what's wrong? Did I do something?"
I couldn't help it, I mean, really. I let out one of those bitter laughs and stepped away from Axel. He looked shocked, but I kept that bitter laugh going. When I finally stopped, I couldn't remember the reason for the laugh. I stared into his eyes and all I felt was that aching pain that seemed so unbearable that I might have passed out.
I nodded despite the pain. "Gee, Axel, I wonder. Maybe it had something to do with Demyx that I can't sleep at night, or the fact that for days I wonder if my best friend will show up out of the blue and say, 'Hi Roxas ol' buddy ol' pal, how you doin' today?'" I knew I didn't look happy and that my voice was steadily rising, but I didn't care. I just couldn't stand to see Axel with Demyx.
I thought that he would just throw his hands up in the air and storm away like he does after so many of our fights, but this time was different. He stood there looming over me, clenching his hands into fists, and breathing deeply. He looked like he was ready to hit me. And if so, bring it on.
But he didn't hit me. He just stood there crying, and I just stood there in pain. He finally let loose a gush of air that made him slump. He looked older somehow, even though he was almost eighteen. His stare turned into a glare and he just shook his head. His eyes reminded me of leaking faucets because he just would not stop crying, and when he spoke, his voice was hoarse and I knew I had hurt him. "Maybe the reason I'm with Demyx is because I actually feel happy when I'm around him." he glared at me a few seconds longer, then walked away. When I could no longer see him, I slumped to the floor and held my head in my hands. I knew I was crying, but my mind just did not want to register that fact. We were lucky that school was over and there was no one in this hallway. I didn't want an audience.
I didn't go to school the next three days. For one, I really did not want to see Axel and Demyx together. And two, my birthday was today. I was seventeen and in a few days, Axel was going to be turning eighteen.
I sighed and stretched out on my bed. I listened to my slow and steady heartbeat under the pounding on the rain. It hadn't rained in awhile, so I figured it would rain a few times. Might as well. It gave me a reason to stay in my room and not go to school. It gave me a chance to stay inside where I wouldn't run into Axel anywhere.
"Roxas, let's go," I glanced up at the door. Sora stood there in a rain coat, fiddling with a wallet.
I shook my head at him. I had forgotten I was supposed to go to the mall with Sora today to help him pick out a present for Riku. Funny how most of our birthdays were next to one another's. "I'm not going," I said. "It's raining."
"That's why you wear a coat and we drive, so we don't have to walk or get wet." so technical. I sat up on the bed and looked around my room for my coat. "It's in the hall," Sora said and went downstairs. So smart too.
I got off my bed and looked in my closet for my wallet. Knowing Sora, he wouldn't be able to have enough money for whatever present he wanted for Riku and a good sized meal for the two of us.
It was a short drive to the mall, and Sora seemed to make the time go by faster by speeding. The silence in which we drove in didn't bother me as much as it should have; I grew up listening to some kind of noise. And inside the mall wasn't much different. Quieter than it should have been on a Saturday, but that was probably because it was raining. Sora led us to this one shop containing a bunch of swords. Did I mention Riku liked collecting medieval weaponry? Well, now you know.
He skipped past all the swords and went straight to the check-out stand. He and the girl that was working there talked quietly for quiet some time. I left though. Swords and other pointy things didn't interest me. I walked the quiet halls of the mall until I came to stand in the food court. Some of the shops were closed because no one was really here. But I got lucky. My favorite one was opened and I started at a leisurely pace over to it. There wasn't a line, so I just walked right up. I ordered my favorite, got it, and went to search for a table. I probably passed over fifty empty tables, but there was a specific one I wanted. It looked out over the river that happened to be right next to the mall. You could see the sky, the river, the street across the river. Sometimes the mall didn't close until eleven, which made it a good place to sit and look outside. At night, the river reflected the lights from the mall and the street, and it just seemed so beautiful. I sat down at my favorite table and looked out the huge windows. It was grey and probably cold out now, but that didn't bother me.
Half way through my meal, I heard a type of yelling. As I listened, it turned out to be laughing. I twisted in my seat so I could see the entrance of the food court, and hated that I had done that. I think my heart actually skipped a beat or two as I saw the newest arrival to the court.
They were holding onto one another in a way that looked like it was uncomfortable and awkward, but really wasn't. Sure, it looked awkward, but it was sorta comfortable being held like that. How would I know? Because he had held me the same way.
Axel was standing behind Demyx, holding him around the shoulders. It worked better for them because they were closer to the same height. They laughed and walked over to one of the shops, talking when they weren't laughing. I turned around in my seat and looked at my meal. I wasn't hungry anymore. I pushed the plate away from me and looked out the window. Just a moment ago it had been sprinkling, but now, it would be hell trying to get out of the mall without getting wet.
It got quiet all of a sudden in the mall. You could still hear people talking and walking, but there wasn't anymore of that loud laughter. My neck itched to turn around and see what was happening, but I forced my self to stare at that flower bush that was outside on the edge of the river. I didn't recognize the flowers, but I didn't even want to. Footsteps sounded close and I tilted my head hoping they hadn't spotted me and were coming closer. I got lucky. It was Sora holding some big package.
"Ready?" he asked. He seemed out of breath. I nodded and stood, grabbing my trash and throwing it away. I was careful to look only at Sora and not at anything else.
"You want me to carry that?" I asked him. He glanced my way, and after a few moments, handed it to me.
"Thanks," he said. "Careful though, it's kinda heavy." it was heavy, but I didn't say anything. I didn't even wanna know what it was. We walked out of the food court without any problems. Although, I could have sworn I had seen a fiery red-head look my way.
That night as I lay in my bed, I couldn't help but think of Axel. They way he had looked in the mall had truly shocked me. I thought he had just lied saying he was happy with Demyx. But I don't know why I thought that. He had never seemed truly happy with me, and I tried to think of all the things I had done wrong.
Never smiling enough. That could have been a problem.
Hardly laughing at Axel's funniest jokes. There's an ego bruiser.
Slightly flinching whenever he touched me. Heartbreaker right there.
Never calling him enough, never answering his calls. Never really wanting to talk to him. Always telling my family that I wasn't here whenever he came over, avoiding him at school.
That saying must really be true. You never know what you had until you lost it. Or something like that… The pain in my chest was almost unbearable. Maybe I really should apologize to Axel. And say that I was happy for him. Maybe… But I don't think I could have done that. I don't think I could have faced Axel after the stuff I had said even if my life depended on it. I might have been ashamed, but I don't think that was the word… Maybe depressed. That seemed more likely.
But in the three years I've known Axel, I've never seen him seem that happy. He seemed to skip when he was walking with Demyx. His eyes seemed to shine with a certain light that I could never turn on. He seemed to stand taller, but maybe that was because Demyx was taller than me… There would be tons of reasons why Demyx was better for Axel. Tons of reasons that I couldn't think of at the moment. I yawned and my eyes instinctively closed. After that, it was hell trying to keep them open. So, I slept.
I had this dream that I was standing in the rain with someone holding me from behind. I didn't know who it was, but it felt so good to be in their embrace. I kept sighing with contentment as whoever held me. The rain was cold, but it felt good for some reason. Whoever was holding me pulled away from me and turned me around. I opened my eyes and looked up, feeling a smile pull at my lips.
"Axel…" I whispered. His hair wasn't as pointy as it usually was, thanks to the rain. His eyes seemed duller for some reason.
He shook his head and looked away. He tried to push me farther away from him, but I kept a grip on his wrist. Finally, he shook me off and took a few steps back. My smile was no more then a memory now as I stared at Axel.
"Axel?" I made it a question.
It took him a few times, but finally he said, "Roxas, I'm not yours. I don't belong to you anymore." he looked at me, and I couldn't tell if he truly meant that and if he was truly crying. My dream shattered after that, and I woke gasping and sweating. I went to wipe the sweat off my face and came back with tears. I stared at the one lone tear on my wrist. It seemed to glimmer in whatever dull light was in my room. I tried to slow my breathing and look at the clock on the bedside table. It read 3:28 a.m. I didn't know if I'd only been asleep for a few hours or an entire day, but I didn't care.
I couldn't shake the way Axel had looked at me in the dream. So sure of himself, so solemn. Like he knew it would hurt me when he said it, but it wouldn't hurt him. I shook my head. I wouldn't believe it. I lay back down on my bed and looked at the ceiling for the rest of the night.
It turned out that I had slept an entire day. My family told me that I needed to go to school today, because if I didn't, then I could be held back for too many absences.
At school, I tried to avoid the halls with Demyx's and Axel's lockers in them. I didn't know if Axel had seen me at the mall, and I really did not want to know. I didn't want to see that perfect face with a perfect smile on it as he looked at Demyx, one of the most innocent people I've ever met.
I made it all the way through school without having to see them. But, as I made my way through the last doors of the school, luck wasn't on my side. At first my mind couldn't register what was happening, but the longer I stared, the more vivid the picture became.
That aching pain in my chest which had been dulled by the long lectures of the school day came back in full force. It felt like my heart was being torn to shreds while it was still beating inside me. I didn't think they were doing it intentionally, but in the middle of the courtyard in front of the school, right by the huge fountain, standing right in front of me, were Axel and Demyx, kissing. Axel didn't have to lean down so low because Demyx was taller than me, and he seemed glad about that. Demyx was standing on tip-toe to meet Axel half-way.
I felt like running. The more they stayed lip-locked, the farther and faster I felt like running.
They finally pulled away from one another. All the way from over here I could see Axel's eyes flicker from side to side. His eyes flickered twice my way before his head turned. The smile faded from his face the moment he laid eyes on me, the glow that shun from his eyes dulled down. Pain streaked across his face before it became neutral like it did whenever he was in pain, angry, or unhappy. He fully turned towards me, forgetting about Demyx, and took a step forwards. I shook my head and sprinted out to the street, trying to get away from them as fast as I could. I almost got hit a few times while I was running in the street, but for the most part, I made it all the way home without getting a single scratch on me. While running, under the honks from the cars and the screeches from the breaks, it sounded like someone was calling my name, but I couldn't really hear anything besides my labored breathing and the beating of my heart.
I ran to my house instinctively, not really knowing where my feet would take me. I didn't stop on the porch to lean against the railing to slow my breathing. I ran right into the living room, not bothering to tell my aunt or uncle what was wrong if they asked. I got lucky.
When I entered the kitchen I saw a note taped to the fridge. It was from my aunt. It said that she and my uncle were going to be gone most of the night. I found another note next to it from Sora to me. He wrote that he was going to be spending the night at Riku's the entire weekend, with his birthday coming closer and all.
I took in deep gulps of air, feeling like I wasn't getting enough. Every time I breathed out, my eyes flickered to the knife drawer.
I tried not to picture Axel leaning over Demyx and kissing him, but the picture was sketched into my mind, and I had no idea how I where my eraser went.
When I finally got my breathing under control, I knew what I was going to do. With me gone, there would be more space in the house and my aunt and uncle wouldn't have to spend all the extra money on me. Sora would be free to do whatever he wanted with me out of the way, and Axel would be way better off without me in his way.
I'd grabbed the big, sharp blade that my aunt usually used for cutting up meat and such. It gleamed in the fluoresce lighting when I tilted it just right. I saw my reflection on the steel and almost winced. My eyes were red and puffy with tears still leaking out of them. I hadn't known I'd been crying. I can't remember the last time I'd cried. I tore my gaze away from the knife and decided to write something. Not one of those long suicide letters saying that I hated my life and everyone hated me, no one loved me, I didn't fit in. I knew people loved me, my aunt reminded me everyday. But I didn't fit in. These past three weeks I'd felt like more of an outcast than I had in my entire life time. What I wrote was this:
I'm sorry.
See? Short and sweet.
I taped the piece of paper onto my door. I didn't really want to confuse them, but I didn't want to be found.
I headed out the front door, locking it behind me with the blade by my side. Didn't want to freak out the neighbors. I walked around the house and into the thicket behind it. Kinda lucky that we lived on the edge of the forest, huh?
I looked up at the sky. Grey clouds settled in front of the sun, making it seem dull outside and chilly. I suppressed a shudder that threatened to move its way across my shoulders and back. I walked farther and farther into the woods. I knew where to go. There was a clearing some meters in and it was just so beautiful that it seemed to take my breath away every time I saw it. But this time when I stepped out from behind the two tall and old maple trees blocking the path to the clearing, my breath didn't run from my throat at the beauty of the clearing. The once beautiful and bright clearing that had been full of wildflowers ranging from all different shapes and sizes, colors and smells, seemed dead, and dull, drained of the life it lived on. All the flowers seemed dead and dangling, the trees outlining the clearing seemed imposing, blocking any means of escape. But that didn't bother me. Maybe it was the clouds, and the rain.
I looked at the sky. Yeah, it was raining. I let the rain pound against my face, mixing the tears with the rain water so now you couldn't really tell I was crying, unless you looked directly at my eyes that is. I sighed and headed for the middle of the clearing. There was a little stone circle in the middle that seemed like it had been made naturally. I couldn't really be too sure on that, but it was an okay place to sit on. I sat on the rock that would put my back to the two maple trees that I had entered through. It wasn't like anyone would come and find me. Axel was probably cuddling with Demyx on a couch somewhere in front of a cozy fire to keep him warm from the chilling rain outside. Sora was at Riku's and my aunt and uncle were gone, so none of them knew about this. I picked up the knife again and stared at it in the rain. Part of my mind was saying this was stupid, as I lifted the left sleeve of my shirt up to my elbow so my arm was bare to the rain. But the other part, the part that was mostly who I was, was relieved that the pain would finally stop. I glanced at the blade one more time before I slid it across the main vein in my arm.
It hurt at first, but by the third cut, I was too numb to feel anything. I watched as my blood slid down my arm and mixed with the rain. It looked like really watery wine. I knew I wasn't crying anymore, strangely, but I didn't really know anything else besides the fact that I was feeling better. By the time I lifted the sleeve of my right arm, you could hardly tell where one cut began and the other one stopped on my left. I drew the knife across that big throbbing blue vein in my arm and relinquished in the peacefulness as the blade bit into my skin and drew blood. I closed my eyes, head tilted heavenward, a sigh escaping my lips as I drew the knife down for a second time. The part of my brain that was mostly me was screaming in joy at seeing the darkness. The other part, terrified. But I was glad I was seeing darkness. It was welcoming in a way that the arms that encircled me wasn't. Unlike those cold arms that started to tighten their way around my body, I wanted the darkness because I knew it would warm me down to the center of my body.
I heard someone shout my name. And that wasn't right. There should have only been the rain pounding the ground and nothing else. I forced my eyes opened and stared at something that looked strangely familiar, but my vision was too fuzzy to see what it really was. I could see something bright green, white, and then red around the edges. I felt my head slipping as I knew the darkness wanted me more than the person that was holding me. I knew I should have been extremely angry that this person had invaded the darkness and brought back a certain light that I didn't want to see, but I wasn't angry. That one part of my mind that had been terrified was screaming at the person to save us. To save us from this terrible darkness that threatened to take my life. But to save us, we would have to travel through an absolute darkness with no light. To wander in the dark alone could get you killed, and the part of me that wanted to die, didn't mind. Either way, it seemed like there was going to be no light at the end of the tunnel for me.
When I came to, I heard a beeping sound and saw behind my closed eyelids some harsh white light. For a minute, I though the beating was my heart and the white light was whatever you saw at the end of the tunnel. Then I realized the beating was my heart, only, it was a heart monitor, and the harsh white light that I could see even behind my closed eyes was the fluoresce lights of a hospital. It seemed like only the lights in a hospital were as sharp and blinding as they were, unlike anywhere else.
It took me a few tries for me to open my eyes and have them be adjusted to the white light. I looked at the ceiling for a few moments, taking in the sounds of what was around me without turning my head. I tried to raise my arm to rub my eyes, but the minute I tried to even twitch a finger, it hurt. I looked down at my arms and saw that they were covered in bandages from my wrist all the way up to my elbow. Without meaning to, I recalled what had happened in the clearing. With the rain pounding down, the blood running in a stream at my feet. I flipped my head to the left and saw the heart monitor and other machines all on. Under all the beeping and whizzing of the machines and my slow even breaths, I heard another sound. I flipped my head so I could be staring at the right side of the room, and my eyes widened and my mouth opened, then closed, opened again, then closed again. He was sitting in one of those hospital chairs that looked comfortable but were really uncomfortable. He was sleeping, and he looked so at ease. Until you saw around his eyes. Even with his eyes closed, I knew he'd been crying, and Axel, like me, doesn't cry easily. I wanted to reach out and touch him, he was so close, but I couldn't move my arm, and I don't think I could have opened my mouth and whispered to him without crying. Where was Demyx? He should be here, holding on to Axel, comforting the pyro like the pyro would comfort him. I closed my eyes and acted like I was asleep the minute I heard the door knob turn.
Someone walked in and I fought to keep my breathing the same. Whoever it was left quickly, probably a nurse. But whoever it was had woken Axel up and he was now sitting up in his chair. His breathing sounded ragged now that he wasn't sleeping. He sighed and I had the feeling he was shaking his head, sending all those red spikes flopping around on his head.
"Roxas…" my breath inclined when he spoke my name. But thankfully, he didn't notice. "I can't believe you would do this to yourself," he paused to breathe. "Was my being with Demyx that big of an impact on you?" I felt my eye twitch and I fought against my body to turn my neck and open my eyes so I could look at him. He sighed again and continued. "Man, I knew it was a bad idea to break up… still can't believe you had the guts to do that. But, I deserve it, after the way I treated you? I though you'd yell at me. But you didn't. And I still can't figure out you telling me calmly that we were over was better or if it would have been better if you had yelled at me." I heard the door open and Axel shut up.
"Man, why does it smell like vinegar in here?" I knew my eye twitched and my breathing changed, but Axel was so focused on Demyx now I knew he didn't see it.
"I thought you weren't coming Demyx,"
"That's bad isn't it? You using my real name. What did I do this time?" Axel stood from him chair and took a sharp intake of air.
The door closed behind Demyx and I had a struggle with myself. I wanted to open my eyes and yell at Demyx to leave, because he was one of the reasons why I was in here.
"Demyx, what was our agreement?"
"You seriously meant that?" he sounded like he thought whatever Axel had told him was a joke. It was never just a joke with Axel. It was either you got him or you didn't. Apparently, Demyx didn't get him.
"Yes, I meant that Demyx. I knew something like this would break Roxas, but I just let it slide thinking he was strong enough to handle something like this. He's already dealt with losing family members, so why shouldn't he be able to lose his ex-boyfriend?" I remember the day I told Axel my parents had died in that accident. It wasn't my fault, their fault, or anyone else's. It just so happened that there was rubber from a blown out tire in the middle of the road that none of us saw in the dark; my mother was too busy yelling at my dad, my dad was too busy trying to hold onto his beer bottle and the steering wheel at the same time, and I was too busy trying to block out all the yelling and screaming. That's how it always was: yelling at dad for drinking too much, yelling at mom for being to caring, protective, and having too many rules, and yelling at me for just standing on the sidelines and never listening to either of them. Why should I? The other parent would just yell at me for choosing sides and then they'll be mad at me, and I'd rather have both parents mad at me then one of them, because then they were agreeing on something.
"Because you're his ex?" Demyx made it a question.
Axel sighed and I had the feeling he was shaking his head again.
"Just go Demyx, please,"
"Why should I? You're my boyfriend. Just 'cause your ex sees us kissing, you freak out and go to find him, but then find out he tried to kill himself. He's been out of it for almost a week, and if he doesn't wake up soon, then maybe he never will."
"Don't say things like that," the tone to Axel's voice was so low, I could hardly hear it over the beating of my heart.
"Whatever Axel," Demyx opened the door. "If you can't have a living partner, have a dead one. You always seemed to like him more." and he slammed it shut, rattling some picture on the wall. I decided it was time to open my eyes and let him know I had been awake.
When I first saw Axel standing at the foot of the bed, tears slowly dropping down his cheeks, my heart sped up. Why was it that he seemed to be in more pain than I was when I was the one with the slit wrists? His head turned slowly and when his green eyes focused on mine, a certain light seemed to shine that wasn't there before.
"Roxas," he whispered. I closed my eyes and tried to calm my breathing. Damn, this sucked. He would know instantly when my heart sped up just because of the little things he does. He came over to my side and gripped my hand. I tried to squeeze his hand, but it hurt. "How much did you hear?"
"All of it," my voice came out low and hoarse, and I wondered if that was because I'd been asleep for who knows how long. He sighed but gave out a shaky laugh. I opened my eyes to see him still crying. "If I could lift my arms, I'd wipe away you're tears," I whispered. He stopped laughing and kneeled down by the bed. He was just tall enough to still be able to see me.
"I am so sorry Roxas," he started. I went to wave my hand, but then remembered I couldn't. "It's just, you never seemed to like me in that way. And how could I love someone who didn't love me back?" I stared at him. His green eyes glistened with so many unshed tears. "And it's just, Demyx was right there, and you didn't seem to care. He though, he did care. He laughed at my jokes, called me; he didn't avoid me when he could." I winced and it wasn't because of my arms. "I can't tell you how much it hurt when you would flinch whenever I touched you. To see you walking in the halls avoiding me, it just, it hurt Roxy." if he was using my nickname, something had to be right between us, right?
"I'm sorry Axel," I said. Maybe sorry wasn't the right word, because according to both of us, we both hurt the other. I gave out one of those bitter laughs. "But I don't blame you if you don't forgive me." I tore my gaze away from his and stared at the ceiling.
"Idiot," he whispered. His hand cupped my cheek and he turned my head to face him. "How could I not forgive the guy I love? I made a mistake and look where that landed us. That first mistake so long ago broke both of us, and me going out with Demyx didn't help us in anyway." I stared into his eyes and knew he was telling the truth. Man, how could I be mad at him when he broke up with his boyfriend who he was much better off with, and he was kneeling there crying? I couldn't.
"Do you think this bed is about the size of mine at home?" I asked. The question completely threw him off. "'Cause, if it is, then I'd really like someone to hold me." a smile broke across his face and I knew my heart sped up. He laughed at it while I looked at the heart monitor. Is there a way you could shut that off? Axel stood and locked the door. I raised an eyebrow at him.
"Just in case," I knew there was a smile on my face, and for some reason, I was really happy that it was there. Axel crawled onto the bed, throwing the covers off of me and climbing under them. He helped me switch into the position where I could lay my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat, and he could stroke my hair like you would comfort a child. He sighed and it felt funny when my head rose and fell with his chest.
I closed my eyes and whispered, "You don't know how good this feels Axel," he wrapped an arm around my waist and held me as tight as he could without hurting me. If my arms worked, I would have held him too. But damn it, I couldn't. But, being held by the guy you love is just as good, right?
okay, so this is my first AkuRoku fic, or my first Kingdom Hearts story, period. i've been wanting to write one cuz i just love KH sooo much, but whenever i tried, it never seemed to come out right... but, i guess this is a good one... took me awhile, and yes, it is long. about 12 pages. forgive me if you see any of the i/i stuff, this is meaning to go n dA soon, and i need that to italizied (sp?) it and yeah... ummm.. yeah... enjoy