AN: I know I have stories going, but this wouldn't let me rest without writing it.
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She sat at his grave on a cold January morning. His birthday to be exact. She knew who he was, what his job had been and why he died. She even took the familiar route and summoned the Crossroads demon only to be turned down. The demon, and the three after her actually laughed. The hunter was too big of a prize, a coup of sorts and there was nobody who would be dumb enough to accept her offer. So she visited him and thought of their time together. The pain was so excruciating at times she wondered if she'd ever be able to carry on. As the tears fell, her body shook. (It's been the longest winter without you, I didn't know where to turn too, see somehow I can't forget you, after all that we've been through).
She had found comfort in his arms when the unimaginable happened, it was how they'd met. He had found someone he could trust, someone who understood, who had seen what lurked in the dark. They shared a lot of the same loves; music, tv shows, cars, food. She was as sarcastic as he was, they laughed at the same things and had grown as close as they could in the six months they'd spent together. From a physical relationship cultivated from her grief, filled with passion and hunger, to a genuine place where they cared and protective instinct took over, they're relationship had grown profoundly. She became as much a part of his small world as he in hers. They were eachother's escape from reality, from destiny, from fate. She had prayed he would stay with her, for a chance to continue together, now she was here on this earth without him.
She hadn't left their apartment for a week after he passed, honestly she had barely gotten out of bed. People told her time would heal her, but she didn't want to listen. Why do they say that? She had raged at those around her, broken things, drank bottle after bottle of alcohol, nothing could stop or take away the loneliness, the memories, the throbbing torture of having to live her life alone. She stroked the amulet around her neck as she remembered the past year. It took four months for her to stop going to the door, hoping the sound she'd heard was his car pulling up out front. She'd have to stop looking for him, she'd have to learn to love again, she'd have to go somewhere other than the liquor store and his grave. (Going coming thought I heard a knock, who's there no one, thinking that I deserve it, now I realize that I really didn't know. If you didn't notice you mean everything, quickly I'm learning to love again, all I know is I'ma be ok)
Every morning she woke she could still hear his voice, smell him on the pillow next to her, on the shirts she wore that had been his, his toothbrush still next to the sink, his favorite beer still in the fridge. He'd made her laugh until she peed her pants, made her cry when he told her his fate, and broke her heart when he wanted her as far from him when they came. Sometimes, if she thought about it hard enough she could feel him with her, she could taste him on her lips. She didn't know if Heaven was real, she'd seen too much negativity to believe, but she could always hope, she could have the faith people talked about. She could hope and pray he would be pulled from the depths and sent to Heaven.
"Sabrina?" She knew the voice. His cries for him had mixed with hers that night. He had pulled her from the depths of her own nightmare, they needed eachother to survive. Knowing he was here only brought more suffering. Made the memories more real. (Thought I couldn't live without you, it's gonna hurt when it heals too, it'll all get better in time. And even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile cause I deserve too, it'll all get better in time)
"Hey, Sammy." She whispered as he sat down and put his arms around her. They had given him an unmarked grave, only three people knew where it was and two of those three were here now. His little brother had refused to do the usual and salt and burn his body, he just couldn't bring himself to leave nothing of his brother.
"Did you sleep here?" Sam asked her as he looked around. He had often seen her here with a blanket but it never dawned on him she'd slept there.
"I can't do this Sam, I just can't." Fresh tears fell down her face and she let her body collapse. "Why did he push me away?" She asked. "I knew what would happen, he told me what I would see…" Sabrina's voice trailed off. He had been very blunt with her, but she never truly believed him. He had said the hounds of hell would come for him, they would kill him and drag his soul to hell. What Sabrina failed to realize, was the gruesome death she would witness. She lay in a fetal position on top of his grave as if she were cuddled against him. (I couldn't turn on the TV, without something there to remind me. Was it all that easy, to just put aside your feelings)
Sam lay down facing her and knew she needed a distraction. He brought up funny times they'd had with Dean. He told her stories and even some of Dean's more embarrassing moments. Sabrina smiled a few times and appreciated Sam all the more. He had been Sam's hero, he had been Sam's father, he had been Sam's champion, the leader of his world. He was Batman.
It would haunt her forever. It would haunt her knowing where he was for eternity. He admitted he was afraid. He was afraid for Sammy, he was afraid for her and he was afraid to die. Did he regret selling his soul for Sam's life? Not once. Even though it angered his baby brother and they had done everything to try and break the contract, in the last few hours he told them to stop. This was his choice a year ago and his choice again.
He had walked out of the restaurant, gotten in the Impala and driven off. He left Sam and Sabrina sitting there. He wanted to be alone when they came for him. He didn't want her to see it, but she refused. She'd fought to get to him to do something, anything to save him, to somehow get in the path of the massive unseen claws that brought forth his death. When she finally broke through the door and reached him she'd thrown her body on his to no avail. Her screams had mixed with his, her clothes covered in his blood. He said 'I love you' as he died in front of her, in her arms. His body had been shredded, his face had finally shown acceptance (If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh, hurt my feelings but that's the path I believe in and I know that time will heal it)
His blood stains still colored her carpet. She wouldn't clean it. It was him, all him, something physical, a piece. Sam had tried to tell her it was not the right thing to hold on too, but she didn't care how morbid it was or how big the remnants were. The smell of blood could still be detected, but it was no longer overpowering. Nobody understood, nobody but him. He would understand. She had told him what he meant to her. He knew he had saved not only her life, but her emotional and mental state. He had literally pulled her back from the brink of insanity. He'd held her hand at her family's funeral, he'd explained what happened, he helped her realize the 'why' of everything didn't have an answer, it never did. He told her about his family history, the result of that one fateful day 24 years ago, the one two years ago and the one a year ago. He was her savior in a time of chaos.
Fresh tears fell again. "He told me to go on, live my life. Find someone to marry and have babies. The one thing he'd never done. Once he di…di…" She paused, she couldn't say the words. "…there would be nothing on this Earth, no proof he ever existed. Fake credit cards, a rap sheet the size of a ream of paper, but nothing to carry on his name."
"We can honor him, Brina. You, me, Bobby. We can honor Dean, fulfill his wishes for us. We'll finish his bucket list." Sam smiled at her as she found a genuine smile to return.
"Well, there's two that won't happen. Sex on the 50 yard line at the Coliseum in LA and sex on the pitcher's mound at Fenway or Yankee Stadium." Sam laughed at his brother's crazy list.
"You did get the ones on a New York subway during rush hour, Empire State Building, 50 yard line at Dallas Stadium, need I continue?" His brother's list had been a sex list. Where can he have sex and not get caught.
"Of all those, I thought for sure the Empire State Building was the most ridiculous." She chuckled a little. (Thought I couldn't live without you, it's gonna hurt when it heals too, it'll all get better in time. And even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile cause I deserve too, it'll all get better in time)
Sabrina stood and gathered her things. She let a few more tears fall, knew she'd be back, but somehow felt the calm come over her she'd been longing for. She smiled at the stones that marked his resting place. Sam walked away and gave her a few moments alone. "You, Dean Winchester. You. My light, my love, the holder of my being. My world, my protector, my everything." She patted her tummy. "You and I, Mr Winchester, are not finished. You will continue, I will see to that." (Since there's no more you and me, it's time I let you go so I can be free and live my life how it should be, no matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you. Yes I will)
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
Song courtesy of Leona Lewis.