title: desolation and dedition
summary: a terrible premonition can bring about a terrible reality.
dedication: to hannah and potato flower petals with testicles from heaven.
notes: kara no kyoukai is my biggest inspiration and my biggest downfall.
She looked mechanical.
Her legs took her to the hospital every morning, and to her apartment every night. Her hands took assessments of all her patients, and checked their sugar levels. Her voice was automatic and she only spoke when mandatory. She looked like a ghost in a shell.
Everyone noticed her change, from the happy, bright nurse, to the quiet, emotionless introvert working at the hospital. Some of her coworkers would occasionally ask what was wrong, but she'd only glance at them, and walk away.
—it's been exactly forty two days.
After the third week, most of everyone accepted she wouldn't answer any questions, and moved on. It surprised him how her closest friends gave up so easily.
He didn't try to talk her out of her shock, or comfort her, because he knew it wasn't something temporary, it was something completely permanent, and no words or actions could fix her. He wished she'd smile again, he wished he could take away her pain, he wished so much for her. But all he could do was watch.
His shift ended quickly, and as he gathered his things and walked out of the dusty, secondhand bookstore, he realized it was raining. He began to open his umbrella, when he noticed someone else was outside—
—pink mess,
—green stars,
—cream skin,
—it was her.
She was getting soaked. He realized she was trembling, and he couldn't tell if it was from the cold, or if she was crying.
If he didn't know better, he would've thought she was waiting for someone.
He quietly walked towards her, and leaned his umbrella over her head. She looked up at him. For a moment, she didn't say anything, but just looked at him with weary, glassy eyes.
—she's been crying.
Her once hopeful, shining eyes were now lifeless, a dull, murky green that seemed endless. She looked like she lost an unhealthy amount of weight, and it made her look so small and fragile. She wasn't smiling, laughing, or hinting at all that she was alive. But to him, she was still beautiful.
He knew that he couldn't save her, he knew that anything he'd do would be futile, he knew that he couldn't expect anything from her. But he smiled, a hopeful, bitter smile, the only thing he could do for her.
He knew that he didn't have a chance, he knew she would forget him, he knew that talking to her was pointless. But she gave him a very small smile, barely noticeable. He felt his breath hitch, and he tried not give in, and grab her, hold her, tell her everything was okay. Instead, he stared at her, trying to memorize all her features— pale pink hair that reached to her shoulders, tired, emerald eyes that used to hold so much life, and small, cherry lips that were barely smiling at him.
—because he felt if he didn't, he'd forget her completely.
As she began to walk away from him and towards the road, he realized he was drowning— drowning in regret and relief.
Maybe, if he was a little more ignorant, a little more selfish, a little more oblivious, he would've stopped her. But he knew it was pointless—
As a silver car turned the corner and headed towards her, he felt his chest clutch and he felt the impulse to run towards her, to stop her, to save her—
—but it was pointless.
She turned her body towards him and slowly waved. She smiled at him for the last time.
The car rushed towards her and her body bent unnaturally. He could almost see life spark in her eyes again. Her head was thrown at the ground, the skull breaking and spilling out crimson.
Two other cars ran towards her the opposite way, crushing her fragile body with the weight of heavy metal. He stayed still as he heard the crunching of bones, muffled by the sound of rain.
Her body looked distorted; blood surrounded her, her limbs were twisted and broken, an arm amputated, her face unrecognizable—
he closed his eyes as he heard the witnesses scream, cars shrieking, and the piercing rain.