Summary: One-shot. Kaidan doesn't want to return on the Normandy after Cerberus coup.
Note: Many thanks to my beta, 6thfloormadness, who helped me with editing the text.
We pretend we're ok
By filling up our inner space
With little hates
And so-called love
Riverside, "We Got Used To Us"
Kaidan was sitting at the Apollo's Cafe, his full attention on his datapad, when Shepard spotted him. She thought for a while then approached the biotic.
"Hey," she said, trying to sound markedly casual. "Hello."
Alenko startled with surprise, as he was deep in his thoughts, and raised his head.
"How are you doing?"
"Fine, thanks," he answered dryly. "Why are you here?"
Shepard shrugged.
"Same as usual. Just walking through the Citadel to the Normandy, waiting for somebody to ask for my attention and help. Well, I accidentally noticed you. What is it?" she nodded toward the datapad Kaidan was still holding in his hands.
"Searching for my students," Kaidan answered wearily, not going into the details. Shepard really didn't care about the details. The question was merely an excuse to start a conversation and they both knew it.
Commander sat herself in the opposite chair. The Major glanced at her disapprovingly, but said nothing.
"EDI can help you with that, you know." She suggested. "If you-"
"No, I cannot come back," he replied harshly, expecting the question. It was even harsher than he initially planned. "Don't take me wrong, I'm grateful for the offer, but I already have another assignment. Ma'am. I will be leaving the Citadel this time tomorrow."
"Bullshit," Shepard snorted. "Between my word and Admiral Hackett, you could easily turn your assignment down."
"And still no," Kaidan repeated. "I won't come back to the Normandy".
He finally put the datapad aside, so it would not distract them. He got the feeling it would be a long conversation.
There was a surprised look on Shepard's face. In her opinion, serving on the Normandy was a great opportunity one could not simply put aside. And Kaidan had done just that. For the second time.
"Sher, why are you asking me about this again? Everything had already been said." Kaidan wondered wearily, even calling her by her first name.
"Feeling offended after the Udina episode?" Shepard concluded. She leaned back in the chair, staring at the Major.
"No," he shook his head. "Anyway, it's not the kind of situation to take offense at."
"Then - "
"I cannot trust you, and you cannot trust me," Kaidan said. "As simple as that. Besides, as far as I know, you have enough people on board. Why do you want to take one more?"
"You are a good soldier. I-We need you. You told me once there was something between us." She added abruptly, immediately regretting her words.
"Maybe." Kaidan did not object. "Or maybe I wanted to think that way. A lot has happened."
"You are still mad about Cerberus," she sighed. "For one more time, listen, Kaidan, I had no choice. They rebuilt me, gave me a life."
"And you even didn't let me know that you were alive. I suppose I wasn't that important to you."
"Look, I'm..." Shepard trailed off. Kaidan was sure she wouldn't apologize. "Do you remember how it all began?" Shepard asked suddenly.
There was a faint smile on Kaidan's face.
"Vividly. Also, I'm not sure it would be possible under the different circumstances."
"How so?"
"I mean we had met aboard a brand new ship, there was a threat uniting our crew: the Reapers, the chasing Saren...even Ashley's death," Kaidan shrugged. "All right. Just admit it; we needed each other - to talk, to wear off stress...besides, there wasn't anybody else on the ship to flirt with."
"I'm not so sure. Liara?"
"She is nice, I must say." Kaidan nodded. "Also, quite shy back then. And you...you were very different. Jackanapes. The first human Spectre, N7 graduate, Torfan, saviour of the Citadel and so on. It aroused interest. Besides, you were my commanding officer - that added something extreme to our relationship, didn't it? However, who cared? We broke so many regulations. Just admit it, Shepard, we would not even look at each other under different circumstances."
"Don't know. It was a lot of fun," Shepard murmured. "We can repeat this".
Kaidan shook his head.
"Back then, when it all had begun… Shepard, I don't take this kind of things lightly. I really loved you. You cheated on me - okay, I can understand that. But tell me, would you really have shot me, if I didn't step aside?"
"Kaidan, what's the point in talking about possibilities?"
"And here we go about trust again."
"You should forget it. Besides, who cares about Udina?"
"Sometimes things like this do matter, Shepard." Kaidan sighed.
"If you want to know, I don't care whether you pointed your gun at me or not."
"I am afraid I wouldn't care either, if I go with you," Kaidan stated. "This is over. To be exact, it has been over for a long time. We didn't promise anything to each other. Hell, we didn't make any plans other than a joint shore leave. I'm sorry."
Shepard rose up and glanced at him for one last time. "I should get back to the Normandy."
"Of course, Commander." He said, nodding.
"Maybe, when this is over, we'll meet again." Shepard suggested.
Kaidan didn't answer. They both knew that was not going to happen.