The Reason
By JoLeigh
Summary: Samantha Carter has found a reason to change who she once was. A reason to start over new…
Author's Note: It's a journal entry type... then there's the ending... which isn't part of the journal.
~*~*~*~
Date: April 12, 2006
As I reflect on my life that I have lived, I have never become satisfied with how it turned out. It has made me a miserable person, always reaching for this attainable happiness in my life. I have thought about the objects and events that have messed up my life, and about the things I will stop doing in order to put my footsteps on the narrow path.
I need to get a freaking life! Pete wasn't the one. I need to realize that. I want a good boyfriend. The boyfriend I have in mind is one that my family will have not previously known. It will not be a blind date or a set up. I'll have that gut feeling when I meet that perfect guy. I will feel comfortable around him. I won't feel like I have to flirt and act all girly girl around him. He will like me for me, and that's all I ask. I remain hopeful that the guy is out there.
I will stop thinking that I have to be the hero and save the world. I am not super-'Sam' and will never be. I don't have all the answer nor have to pretend that I do or could have them. The weight of the world does not solely rest on my shoulders, and I will stop believing that it does.
As teenage girls go crazy over the good-looking guy performers, I will stop dreaming that my Commanding Officer and I can make it in a world where rules and regulations apply. Honestly, what the hell was I thinking? I mean, it's fun to think of what could evolve, but enacting it? As I said, it WILL NOT work out.
Close friends. that's it.
Fishing? Possibly.
Relationship? Never.
I think about my life a lot more as the frightening thoughts of the cancer I battled hits home. I beat the odds, and I am thankful. I am thankful for the friends that are ever so close to me. They have stood beside me at my weakest times as I battled in the hospital. There were many times when I wanted to close my eyes, drown in my sorrow, relax then, and breathe my last. I couldn't do that, not after I heard what they said at my bedside when they thought I was deep in sleep. I found out how much they mean to me. Their secrets, their fears, and how much they care about it and want me to pull through.
And that I did. I gained back much of my strength. I'm looking almost back to normal… like I used to look… only changing that little bit, as time changes a person. After going through three surgeries and the chemo, they finally removed the cancer. It has been a year since the last removal. The doctors are sure they got it. I have been keeping a journal of these times. How I felt, what's on my mind, anything really. My music helps me think and dwell too. My jazz, rap, soul, pop, and rock. All types I have been able to sample. It was fun to see how the types of music affected the heart monitor in the hospital too. My music… my journal… that's all I've held on to.
As my journal entry—marking the one-year freedom of this cancer—is completed, I have mentioned everything I will stop dancing around in my life. I will stop taking everything for granted. I will stop seeing my life as something I can throw away. Nobody knows how precious life is until they come close to death. (sounds clichéd, doesn't it?) Some people will change their ways. I, for sure, have made a vow to do just that. I've said what's on my mind once again, and that's all you need to know.
* *
Why Carter? Is this really what you meant?
He knew he couldn't be lying to himself. He was reading Carter's journal. She wouldn't make up lies in her journal. She couldn't take them back either.
A tear fell on the page before he flipped in to the next page, which was blank. The last entry of her journal. It could mean so many things, like the end of a book, end of a song, end of a life.
She said she would change her ways, but it was too late to make a difference. In the last month the cancer had come to take her away. They couldn't see it until was too late… it was just too late.
She tried to make peace with herself though. She took her peace to the grave. Samantha Carter would rest in peace.
Jack closed the journal and set it on the table beside him. He lay back on the dark brown leather chair as the thoughts ran through his head. When he couldn't think anymore, he just let the music from the stereo take over him.
And I just want you to know…
I found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
~*~*~*~
Credits: "The Reason" – Hoobastank
Author Notes: This wasn't the original course of the story… but what you feel is what you write…
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