Orlandu and Friends
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Episode 0.5
The Hype Section
Orlandu and Friends is the greatest innvention in the history of the Earth. No one thing has so greatly changed the way we live. Not even the internet. - Jack Soogu (A really smart guy who knows everything about everything)
If your life isn't touched by this story; then you had better check for a pulse. - My next door neigbor
A wonderful story filled with romance, drama, explosions, and little bits of humor. - Me
Um, your... uh... story... is... something. - Jay (He's cool because he goes by one letter.)
Your story makes me ROFLMAO. - Holy Tiamat (The most influential martial artist of all time)
*Mexican Accent* Hey man, what did you just ask me? Jhettley Rodrequiz (Mexican action star)
Orlandu and Friends
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Episode 0.9: History
Orlandu and Friends began their first season in the year 1997 B.C.
during World War Negative 34. It was originally written to make fun of
people who are different, but after my Great(x1000) Grandfather Toddius
Woddius was accidently 'run over' by the 'different' people his writings
were lost for ages.
The history books tell of my Great (250) Grandfather finding the
writings in 200 A.D. it was at that time he realized that he realized he
was holding thousandsof years worth of gold in his hands so he dropped
the writings and went and deposited the gold. When he returned wild anteaters
had demolished the papers, he was forced to start from the beginning. Unfortunately,
he was in to much of a hurry to start writing, that he sat down in the
midst of the vicious beasts and was killed.
10 years before my birth. My Grandfather had a dream in which Cheech
Marin told him to begin writing Orlandu and Friends. When he told his family
he was locked up for life,and later, given the death sentence.
The threads of fate are cruel mistresses, and I have been handed
the curse of writing these witty and intelligent documents for all to read.
These, are those tales...
Oh yeah, most of the characters in these stories are copyright to
Squaresoft.
Orlandu and Friends
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Episode 1; Chapter 1
Yo Boyeee!!
The Place: A wacked out office in a small house in Ivalice, out hero Ramza Beoulve approaches the desk and sits down. He stares straight at the reader (he can seeee you), and begins;
"Hello, I'm Ramza Beoulve you might remember me from such games as Final
Fantasy Tactics..." He paused "That's it. You might ask yourself 'Self,
why hasn't Square made anymore games with that lovable do-gooder Ramza?'
It's because Square IS TOO FREAKIN' CHEAP TO MAKE A SEQUEL. SURE!! CLOUD
CAN COME INTO MY GAME, BUT DID I GET TO GO INTO HIS? NO!"
He paused, and calmed down.
"Anyways, I'm here to introduce the main players of this series...
(BTW Square just kidding about that cheap bit, I love you guys.)
Episode 1; Chapter 2
Malak Galfana
Likes: Toys
Dislikes: No Toys
Fav. Weapon: Ninja Turtle ones
Fav. TV Show: Toy Commercials
Quote: "What? You have candy? Okay mister, I'll get in your car with you."
More: Although Malak loves toys with a passion, he is very rough with them and most of his toys are taped or glued together. He usually buys two of every toy, just so he has more. Once he opens the boxes they are as good as broken. Rafa is his sister. Malak also has a wierd condition. Everyday he grows an immunity to a disease, and keeps the immunity. If he has the disease before he has the immunity, then he keeps the disease. He also has an immunity to death. He also has an immunity to Diabetes, Cancer, and Asthma. Although he has an immunity to Asthma he had athsma prior to the development of the disease. And although he doesn't have it, Malak's immunity to leprosy is useless as it's the only disease he will never be completely immune to.
A Short Story Of Malak
He ran down stairs and ate a quick breakfast consisting mostly of dryer lint (don't ask), soon he was off to the Toys IS Us. Unfortunately the store opened at 6:00 A.M. so he had to go home and sleep for another six hours.
AFTER the store opened, Malak entered. He wandered their glorious aisles.
An employee walked around the corner, and found Malak sitting on the floor playing with some opened toys.
"Are you playing with toys you haven't purchased?"
"Yes." He continued playing.
The employee ran off to get the manager. They both returned shortly after.
Malak stood up. "I'll buy this one." He said, showing them a busted Ninja Turtle. He took a step forward and stepped on another toy. "I guess I should buy that one too."
Episode 1; Chapter 3
Rafa Galfana
Likes: Electronic Entertainment (Video Games)
Dislikes: Malak (with a passion)
Fav. Weapon: PP7
Fav. TV Show: Electric Playground
Quote: "This game SUCKS! I'm only going to buy 3 copies."
More: Rafa loves her video games as much as Malak loves his toys. The only difference is, that she takes EXTREMELY good care of her games. She has every system/game/peripheral every created. When she purchases ANYthing she buys four copies. One for main use, one for backup (for when they overheat and are destroyed), one for looking at, and one for her collectors case. She doesn't let ANYone other than herself touch her games.
A Short Story Of Rafa
Rafa ran down stair, it was christmas morning and she was very excited.
She had
asked for ONLY a PS2 and thought she had a good chance of getting it.
She saw the lone present for her under the tree.
She gasped
"C-could it be?" She picked it up. "It's approximately the same size and weight as the PS2! Hmmm, it makes an equal tear in the space time continum. What bothers me is the low energy reading."
She tore the present open and was dismayed.
"A Dreamcast! But I've been GOOD this year."
She glanced over at Orlandu who had a black rock in his hands.
"I'll trade you this Dreamcast for that coal!" She offered.
Orlandu clutched the rock to his chest. "No way! This is actually worth something."
"RAMZA! You're a jerk! I asked for a PS2!!!"
"You KNOW how hard they are to find. And you already have 3 you don't have a Dreamcast."
"There's a REASON for that."
Rafa stormed down the hall with her Dreamcast in hand. Malak came out
of his room
clearly he had just woke up, and was tired. He wore his one piece pajamas
with
footsies, he had a tired smile on his face.
"Santa was here." he said queitly and happily to himself
Rafa walked passed him and swiftly elbowed him in the head.
"Santas not real." she said as he lie motionless on the floor.
She slammed her door and sat on the floor.
"Maybe I could use it to hold a CD in." She grabbed disk one of Chrono Cross and placed it in the machine. She didn't have it in properly and when she slammed it shut, the CD snapped.
A smile crept across her face.
This was turning out to be a great christmas after all...
Episode 1; Chapter 4
Algus Falgus
Age: 19
Likes: Fire, Starting Fires
Dislikes: Firemen
Fav. Weapon: Flamethrower
Fav. TV Show: "10001 ways to fry things"
Quote: "BURN BABY!"
More: One word can describe Algus.. Pyromaniac. He has an unnatural
attraction to them, he even has his own fire collection. He also has destructive
tendencies and tends to break things he doesnt like.
A Short Adventure of Algus
Algus sat in his room, attending to his fire collection.
"Hmmm, model 22-A is looking a little burned-out BLAAAAARG!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" He laughed (because he meant model 22-C) he placed a log on the flame. Malak entered the room.
"Hey Algus."
"Yo little mini-dude. Want to help me clean my fire?"
"Okay." Malak grabbed a flame with his hands, snuffing it out.
"You freak!" Algus screamed.
"Uh-oh!"
"That was Flame Millenium Edition! That's IMPOSSIBLE to find now! They don't make it anymore!"
"Sorry... but hey, it's only a flame." Malak turned to walk out of the room.
"And you're only a person!" Algus screamed as he threw a flame at the back of Malak's head (it was a duplicate of Flame 2000 so he could spare it.)
The flame bounced of Malak's head, and set fire to the roof.
DAMN!" Algus screamed, he leaped out the window and flew down the street.
"FIRE!!!" Malak screamed. The screams of the others could be heard echoing through the house, accompanied with 'AHHH! What's happening!?'
Rafa ran to her room on the top floor, and began carefully placing all
her electronic equipment into plastic bags and slowly lowering them out
the window. From the window directly below Rafa's, Malak was throwing his
toys out the window as hard as he could. The toys hit the bags, and all
three objects were destroyed. Orlandu smashed through the window on the
bottom floor, with the DVD player above his head. He was aiming for his
carfully placed pillow pile, but instead landed on his carfully placed
brick pile...head first. His head suffered minor injuries, but the DVD
player is in hospitols and is not expected to make it.
Mustadio ran out the front door with Legos, Marbles, and pennies from
the couch.
"Mustadio!" Ramza screamed. "Why didn't you get the important stuff first!?"
"I wanted to start with the smaller objects and work to the larger ones."
"Alright!" Ramza screamed. "Where's Algus. I have a feeling he's behind this."
And so, the Beoulve household was forced to move to the previously abandoned Ivalice Castle.
Episode 1; Chapter 5
Mustadio, just Mustadio
Age: 19
Likes: Inventing things
Dislikes: Cops
Fav. Weapon: If it shoots, he likes it
Fav. TV Show: Ones with guns
Quote: "Make me coppa!"
More: Mustadio is a sterotypical gunlover / inventor / engineer / Communist,
he is always having shoot outs with the police and always inventing things.
Mustadio set his sniper rifle up on the window of the abandoned building. His target would be coming by the building on the street 10 stories below in about 30 minutes. He always arrived 30 minutes early to prep himself for his mission. The day was November the 22nd in the year 1963. A Canadian chill blew into the area, Mustadio pulled on his coat and waited. The 30 minutes passed quickly and Mustadio was prepared. The man he was to kill passed by.
"Prepare to meet your maker," Mustadio muttered "35th President of the United States."
Episode 1; Chapter 6
Thunder God Cid (AKA Orlandu)
Age: 69
Likes: 'Smooshin' bugs good'
Dislikes: Black Fuzz (it freaks him out)
Fav. Weapon: His trusty sword; The Excalibur... and rocks
Fav. TV Show: Anyone where you can laugh at others misfortunes, like
Cops or the Evening News
Quote: HAHAHAHA!! He has terminal cancer! It's funny because it's true!!
More: Orlandu is extremely self-serving and very rude. Anything he
does will most likely benefit himself, whether it's punching out Ramza
to take his wallet or helping old ladies cross the street in hopes of getting
a reward (which usually leads to punching out the old lady). Orlandu is
the very embodiment of power itself, electricity surges through each muscle
and bone (figuratively speaking), he can floor a bodybuilder with little
more than a slap. Tank in his way? He just has to walk into it (he gets
run over, but at least it proves he tries to get stronger).
A Short Story About Orlandu
The Beoulve family, after having their house burned down, moved into their friend's house (Jay, Melusine and Flux whose wacky escapades can be seen every tuesday night at midnight on Global). Orlandu and Jay were in the living room debating on the purity of Diaper commercials.
"It's softcore child porn!" Jay argued.
"It is not! It's cute to see babies butts." Orlandu defended
"That's what you said about that 'girly' site you found last night."
"I think you should shut up."
"Wanna go!?"
"Let's!"
Orlandu and Jay stood up and put up their dukes. Jay slammed his fist into Orlandu's stomach. Orlandu retaliated with a well placed face shot. Jay's nose bent in 90 degrees and Jay fell to the floor. Orlandu sat back down, and three minutes later Jay joined him (after regaining conciousness). They began getting into another heated discussion, this time about the creation of Candy Canes.
"It's softcore child porn!" Orlandu argued.
"It is not! It's cute to watch the creation of Candy Canes." Jay defended.
"That's what you said about that 'Twizzler' site you found last night."
"I think you should shut up."
"Wanna go!?"
"Actually, my nose is still kinda hurtin'."
Episode 1; Chapter 7
Ramza Beoulve; House owner
Age: 19
Likes: When everyone else in the house is either out, or in jail...
perferably jail
Dislikes: When Orlandu runs into his room screaming and flailing his
fists.
Fav. Weapon: The pen, unfortunately he actually believes its stronger
than the sword... unfortunately.
Fav. TV Show: Adventures of the Black Mamba
Quote: Another day, another dollar (literally)
More: Ramza is unfortunate owner and caretaker of the Beoulve household.
There is no reason as to why this is, it just is. Ramza has to pay ALL
the taxes and such, because the others claim it's unfair that they should
have to pay. Ramza's job is currently a bank worker, he is extremelly unqualified
for his job... how could he have possibly been hired? The only thing we
know is that he makes $100,000 per week, and he gets excellent benefits,
plus he gets an awesome office.
A Short Story About Ramza
"Those jerks!" He cried. "They told me it was a contract that let me open a bank account! Dangit! I should have read that contract!" He broke down again.
There was a knock at the door. Ramza wiped his tears, and started to look busy. His manager entered.
"You're fired. Clean out your desk and get out." He spun on his heels and left the room.
Ramza grabbed his backpack and left his office. Immediately after, the manager spray can after can of potpourri in the room.
"If I ever see you or ANY of your family in ANY bank in ANY city in ANY country I will personally kill you." The manager said.
"You can't kick me out of every bank." Ramza said angrilly.
"I can. I OWN every bank." He then proceeded to load a shotgun. "Now, I suggest you leave."
Ramza left the bank. Now, he had to make everyone else get jobs too. Even though he made $100,000 a week, it was always quickly depleted as his household sucked up the funds (in Mustadio's case this should be taken literally, and in Malak's case it should be changed to "Ate up all the funds" this should also be taken seriously).
Continued Next Episode.... IF there is a next episode.