"I want to understand what this is between us... and make it real."

I shouldn't be surprised, really. I came here very much aware that this was a date. Kaidan never outright said it, but frankly the looks he's been giving me nearly set my pants on fire. The problem was that, I thought he'd take his time. In fact, I thought I'd be the one to bring up the subject. But the Major has become quite... capable.

"Anyway, that's what I want." He looked like he was about to jump into a Thresher Maw pit. "What do you want?"

The problem was that I still didn't know what I wanted.

Well, that a lie. I knew exactly what I wanted, and also when and where. Which was all the time and everywhere. When I walked into that hospital room and saw him half-naked on the bed... I swear, if the walls weren't made of glass, I'd rattle his implant like he wouldn't believe. But after the two year itch had been scratched and the satisfied puddle went back to the Commander Shepard-form, what then? Despite what I said, I didn't get past Horizon. Rationally, I understood where he came from. Why he'd ever think I was a traitor. That orange logo stood out like a bullseye and the human history is scarce with people coming back from the dead. All this rational thinking did in no way stop me from violently rearranging my quarters and seriously ruining some unlucky merc's day. Jack started to warm up to me after that. Nor did Kaidan help himself in any way by sending that ridiculous letter. It probably was for the best that I still had no idea how to get a hold of him. I'd have found him and made him eat it.

And what about Kaidan? What if, after the deed was done, he'd realize that it was all in his head? I did change, not before Horizon, but definitely after, in ways I didn't even know myself. What if I changed too much and no longer matched whatever fantasy he conjured up during the years I was gone? Did he want the Shepard that went down with her ship or the one that would make deals with any devil if it meant she'd win more than she'd lose?

What if he'd end up like Mordin and Thane? This is the point where the soldier part of my brain would usually force the rest of it to stop going into dark and useless places and go off to do something more productive or explosive, preferably both.

I was caught completely off guard and the soldier brain kicked back into action. I didn't even know what I was saying until I saw Kaidan's face drop. Keep it professional? Apparently Commander Brain got sick and tired of this whole angsty business and decided to have me focused on the bigger issues in the galaxy. How noble of it.

Kaidan did his best to turn this mess into just two old friends hanging out. I just sat there wishing that the last few minutes never happened, or that he'd call me on my bullshit and say he wasn't giving up. I would say that I had no idea where the hell that came from, that all was not fine, but it could probably be sorted out once we had our clothes off. But he didn't, he just went on about something and I didn't pay any attention, too busy keeping myself from doing or saying something even worse. I definitely lost my appetite, so I finished my drink and excused myself. He didn't get up to follow me.

I nearly bolted for the exit, determined not to look back at him in case he was watching me leave. I had had enough drama for the day. Almost at the stairs I heard someone call my name and turned around to see Liara coming up from the shops..

"Last time I've seen you run away this fast a bomb was about to go off." She smirked at me in that annoying know-it-all way she adopted on Illium. "Quite unbecoming of the Mighty Commander Shepard." I felt the corners of my mouth go up at the mental image.

"It was pretty pathetic, I suppose, but then I haven't been on a date in over three years." I shifted my weight, trying not to look embarrassed and definitely not to look back to where I came from. Not wanting to expand on what the hell just happened between Kaidan and me, I went for a change of subject. "Some last minute shopping before we head out?"

"Something like that." Now she looked a little embarrassed. "Actually, I wanted to check if Aethyta was still around."

"Looks like you two hit it off. Guess I was right to push." Now it was my turn to smirk like a know-it-all.

"I admit, that was one of your better ideas, Shepard." She looked wistfully at the bar. "I… I wish we'd met earlier. Strange how I only started forming close relationships with people when the world could be about to end."

"Hey, don't go all grim and dark on me!" I reached out to her in what I hoped passed for a comforting gesture. "We're still alive and the Reapers haven't won yet and so on and so forth. And how about I take my always serious and composed, deadly Shadow Broker friend to the Purgatory and we get properly drunk?"

"I really shouldn't, but I am really going to." We headed for the elevator. "You are a bad influence, Shepard."

"Either that, or your Krogan genes are finally surfacing."

"I see that the Illusive Man's investment paid off." Liara and I flopped down on one of the couches in the lower part of Purgatory, thoroughly exhausted and inebriated. " You came back a hundred percent, well, you."

I studied my drink thoroughly before gulping it down and waiving at the passing waiter for more. "How so?"

"You dance just as badly as you did before Ilos." She threw her head back as she laughed. I don't think I've ever seen her so relaxed before, or laugh for that matter.

"Yeah, yeah." I made a face. "You'd think for four billion creds, he could have programmed me with some decent moves…"

"And ruin the Shepard Shuffle?" This time she actually doubled over on the couch, tears streaming down her face. A waiter materialized with the next round of drinks.

"Oh, haha!" She sat back up and reached clumsily for her glass, almost tipping it over." At least I can hold my drink better than you, Dr. T'Soni."

"Excellent, but have you drunk enough to give me a straight answer?" She sat up straight with her eyes suddenly focused, though I could still see the traces of laughter. Completely off guard, I tried for a diversion for some time to get my head straight.

"When have I ever lied to you, Liara?"

"Well, there was that time you led Kaidan and me around until we cornered you after that meeting with the Council. Don't worry about it." she said quickly. "I realized, once I calmed down, that the two of you made sense. Even glad after the Normandy went down, because I didn't lose you like he did. He truly loved you, whereas I simply had a crush on someone who was kind to me when I was alone and lost."

"You know it was more than that, Liara. I wouldn't have led you on for as long as I did, if it weren't. I just…"

"... wanted him more." There was no laughter in her eyes now, only a kind of understanding. "You made the right choice. So why did I see you bolt from him earlier?"

"It's complicated." I set down my half-emptied, suddenly no longer thirsty. "We can't exactly pick up where we left off, not after everything that's happened."

"That is nonsense, and you know it. Granted, I was surprised when I didn't see him with you on Illium, but then I had commitments that prevented me from joining you and I figured he had good reason not to as well. But, Shepard, all that "you said, he said"-business... It is irrelevant, in light of what we're facing today. And you have already forgiven him, or he wouldn't have made it past the airlock. So why are you sitting here? What sort of push do I have to give you before it is too late?"

I just sat there and stared at her going for a serious rant. She thought it was so easy and I felt stupid, because it was. There I was, steaming at the Council being unable to get their crap together and stop working against eachother, and I did exactly the same with Kaidan and me. I didn't need this, I needed stop waking up from nightmares where my friends burned. I needed to find him, before he found himself another doctor.

I stood up unsteadily. "I think you got it, Liara. I... I should go."I crashed back down on the couch. "Or not."

"Let's go, I'll get you back to the Normandy." Liara chuckled as she pulled me up and out of the club.

"Hey! How come you're walking straight? You've had as much as me."

"Yes, but you have never had drinks with an Asari Commando before."

We got a few strange looks as the formidable Shadow Broker dragged the completely sloshed Commander through the CIC. Thankfully, most of the crew was still on leave, except for the two guards at the elevator. Did those two guys ever sleep?

"EDI, where is Kaidan?" Liara asked as we go onto the elevator.

"Major Alenko is in the Starboard Observation Room, Doctor T'Soni. He has requested that door is locked and he is not to be disturbed unless it is very urgent." Liara pushed the button to the crew quarters.

"EDI, please unlock the door. It is very important."

"Understood, Doctor T'Soni."

"Alright, Shepard, this is it. Sobered up yet?" We stopped in front of the door to the observation room.

"No?"

"Very good, brain won't get in the way." She opened the door.

Kaidan stood at the window, his back to the door. "Something better be on fire. What…?" He froze mid-sentence as he turned around and saw us come in.

"Shepard would like a word." With that Liara gave me a hard shove that sent stumbling across the room and into Kaidan's arms, who caught me just before I landed on my face. "EDI, lock the door and this time don't open it unless on express order from the Commander."

"Understood, Doctor."

"You owe me, big time." She smiled and left. Know-it-all... I turned back to face Kaidan, still in his arms. He stared at me, looking as tired and confused as I felt, but he didn't let go.

"You've been drinking."

"Yup." I moved my hands to his shoulders so as if to steady myself. I just couldn't stop looking at him, his eyes, his lips, his infuriatingly perfect hair. One of these days I'd have to catch him and see if he welded it on every morning.

"Liara said you wanted to talk?" He tried for a helpful hint, showing dangerous signs of being a gentleman. "Are you sure you want to? Right now?"

I moved my hands further up, running my fingers through the hair on the back of his head, "No, I really don't.", and pulled him down. His mouth was hot and dry on mine. For a moment there was nothing but the blood and alcohol rushing through my head, making my ears ring and him just standing there, tense, unsure of what the hell just happened. The I felt, rather than heard, him groan as he lifted me off the floor, spun us around and pinned me up against the window, one hand on the small of my back, the other under my knee, pulling it up to his waist. I jumped up, locking my arms and legs behind him, as he pressed me, harder and harder, to the glass. There we were, all tongues, lips, hands and sweat, me cursing the damn Alliance uniform that was harder to get out of than that prison Jack was kept in. If I were capable of a coherent thought, I'd be wondering why I didn't do this on Horizon, stupid colonist and stupid ground team be damned. Finally we had to come up for air, both grinning like idiots, our clothes a mess, his perfect hair sufficiently disheveled.

"You're right, this is much better."

"They do say silence is golden." I ran my thumb over his cheekbone. "However I do feel I should say something romantic and important."

"You don't have to say anything."

"Wait, just let me..." I chewed my lip, trying to come with with the right words. "It was always you, you know. I never left a way out."

"A way out? That's one of the most ridiculous things I ever heard." He smiled, his voice full of faux indignation. "Who the hell came up with that?"

"Don't know. Some green Lieutenant I dated years ago." He leaned back in to me, his lips just out of reach of mine.

"Good thing you upgraded to a Major."