Darkness embraces me like a heavy cloak, pushing aside the infuriating light outside. I hate the light. I wish it would go away, but those strange men forces me to stay in this place. It's all too bright. Why can't it go away? I wish it would. The sound of footsteps outside.
Go away!
They always force me out in the light again. Makes me meet another stranger who asks me strange questions. More passing steps.
Leave me alone!
I hate them all. I wish they would die. My hands curl around the blanket in anger. Death. I want them to die. I want them to suffer. I want to hear their screams.
Isn't that why you're here in the first place?
Shut up! Leave me alone!
I put my hands to my ears. I want the voice to go away. The steps pass by again. DIE!
Kill them? What do you think he would think about that?
He would still love me.
HA! He wouldn't love you. He hates those sorts of things. Do you really believe he willwant you back?
H-he will. Shut up!
You're so pathetic. He doesn't love you. He hates you, you idiot!
Does not! H-he loves me.You're such an insolent brat. You can't even see the obvious fact. He's left you already. Why would anyone stay with you? You're a freak.
I'm not... a... freak.
Teardrops starts falling.
Pathetic. He's with Alfred now!
No!
They might just as well be doing is right now.
I put my hands to my temples. I want the image to go away. But it won't. It stays there no matter how hard I wish for it to go away. I can hear the sounds inside my head.
No!
I start screaming as I cry, clutching my knees to my chest. I want it to be gone. Why doesn't it go away?
He wouldn't do that to me.
Alfred is his ex-boyfriend. He's better for him.
The door opens. I pull myself closer to the wall. I want them to go away.
"You have a guest." A female says. I know it's a female, even though the blanked muffles the sound. It's always a female.
I clutch the blanket closer to me. I want her to go away. I want her to leave me alone.
Go away! Go away! Go away!
"Come out now." The female urges, but I only draw the blanket closer to me.
There's a gentle hand on my shoulder, making me pull back, closer to the wall. I want her to go away. I whimper.
Go away!
"Ivan?"
I flinch.
That's not him. That's not his voice. What is he doing here? Why has he come here?
Isn't it obvious?
No! No! No! It can't be!
He's breaking up with you!
No!
I told you it would happen.
New tears starts falling, and I squirm.
"Ivan? Can you hear me?"
Stop it! Why are you doing this to me.
He hates you.
No.He always has. He wants to see you suffer.
NO!
The door closes. The female has left because I can still feel his sent. The sound of him
sitting down on the spare chair.
"The doctors tells me you haven't been eating properly." He says. "How come?"
I just shake my head violently.
"You don't like the food?"
No answer.
"You have to eat, Ivan." He continues. "Otherwise you'll be sick. You don't want to be sick."
I'm already sick.
"Felix and Toris got married. They asked for you."
I shake my head.
"They did. Felix even sent me pictures along. Of him only of course." He chuckles. "It may have been the most extravagant dress I've ever seen."
He tries to reach my hand but I shove it away, pulling the blanked closer around me again.
"I remember a time when I was the one pulling away from you, now look at us."
No answer. He hesitated.
He's going to say it.
No!
"Alfred thought you deserved to know."
NO!He's leaving you for Alfred!
"Well. I want you to stay calm when I tell you this."
He hesitated again.
"Sometimes... when you're away for a long time..." another long moment of silence. "… love fades."
No!You're so pathetic!No!Pathetic weakling!
Fresh tears fall and I want to scream again.
"Ivan, please listen to me. These things happens. You have to accept changes in life."
I shook my head violently again.
"Ivan. Try to reason with me."
No! No! No! No!Why do you bother denying it? It's not like you can change anything.He's not going to say it. It's a lie.It's the truth.
No! No! No! No!
"Ivan. All I'm asking is for you to listen. Sometimes people find new love and well…" he sighs. "Ivan, what I'm trying to tell you isn't easy for me…"
No! He's not gonna say it!
"...and it pains me to see you hurt but..."
I won't allow it!
"...you need to know the truth."
No! I don't want to hear it! No! No! No...!
"Ivan... I..."
"NO!" I scream curling the blankets around me as tightly as possible.
Yao sits down the bed and I squirm. A hand clutches the blanket, and I try to snap it away.
"The doctors told me you weren't speaking anymore." He said softly. "You're making me worried you know. You were here to become better, but it seems you're only doing worse."
"What's going on, dear?" he asks, fingers trailing over my hair through the blanket. "Talk to me."
"I don't want you to leave me. You promised we would be together forever."
"What are you talking about?" he asks.
"I don't want you to leave." I sob.
"Why... Ivan aka Russia Braginsky, would I ever leave you?"
"You're leaving me for Alfred."
"Alfred?"
He laughs shortly. I nod under my blankets. He laughs again for a moment. He strokes my hair again through the blanket.
"Do you think I'm leaving you for Alfred?" he asks.
He grabs the hem of the blanket and pulls it away from my face. I grab the blanket and try to hide my face to keep the light out. I hate it.
He's going to say it.
He pulls the blanket away, forces me to look at him by taking my face in his hands. For the first time in months I truly look at someone. His hair looks silky, his body is slim, but his eyes are tired, mixed with worry and hurt. I look away from him. I don't want to look at him when he says it.
Maybe he won't.
You know he will. It's either Alfred or someone else.
Tears well up again. He wipes them away with his thumb.
"Look at me Ivan." He says.
I don't. He runs a hand through my tousled hair.
"Why, on earth, would I ever leave you for Alfred?"
I look up now. His eyes are serious. I can't answer the question.
"My silly Ivan." He chuckles. "How do you always get so delusionary?"
"Что?"
He chuckles lightly again.
"My own little Nowhere man. Who would have thought you would ever be so… insecure." He rubs away some tears. "Ivan Braginsky, listen very carefully to me. You are the most beautiful, kind, amazing, generous, funny, smart, sexy and dead gorgeous man I know. Do you hear me?"
I don't answer him.
"Do you hear me?" he repeats. "In my whole life, if so I look through all over the world, I could, and most certainly don't want to, find anyone that I love as much as I love you right now and always have."
He presses our foreheads together.
"Do you understand?"
No answer.
"I, Wang Yao, will never ever in my life leave you, and especially not for some thick-headed capitalist bastard like Alfred."
Yao kisses me on the lips softly.
"Now, if you let me finish my sentence; What I was trying to tell you is, that Belarus has got a boyfriend."
"A boyfriend?"
"Mhm." Yao nods. "No one knows who yet, but Alfred is sure that he saw them kiss outside Belarus' hotel room, although he didn't see who the guy was."
Yao chuckles at my dumbfounded face and kisses me again.
"I love you so very much Ivan, and don't you ever doubt that." He whispers. "But I'm worried about you. You don't want me to leave you, well I don't want you to leave me either."
"I would never leave you." I gasp. My voice is cracked, and just barely audible. The words of Yao stings me, is making me sad.
"Then don't." he tells me. He places another chaste kiss on my lips. "Please, Ivan, I beg of you, please don't give up on me. Please, Ivan, fight, and come back to me."
"Doctors can't help me." I whisper.
"That's because you don't let them. Please, Ivan. I will come visit you every day, just promise me not to give up, and I promise you, you will be out in the world again before you know it." He kisses my forehead. "Can you promise me that?"
Part of me wants to say no. Because parts of me doesn't want to fight anymore. Parts of me are too tired to fight anymore. Parts of me want to go back to the darkness. But another part of me, my heart, is willing me to fight, because my Yao-Yao isn't leaving me, because my Yao-Yao still loves me, and because my Yao-Yao wants me to come back home.
"I promise."