Dr. Wonderful's Sing Along Blog

Billy looked down at the class selection sheet. High School was difficult but he made the most of it and had gained quite a bit of intelligence through studying. "PLEASE SELECT A CHEMISTRY TEACHER - MR. GOODY OR MR. VILE" He asked his friend Simon which one was better. "I don't know, to be honest. I don't think one teaches better than the other. I'll probably go with whichever one you pick. I understand they're both loony activists. Mr. Goody is obsessed with old values and good/evil and black/white and how our society has decayed and lectures students about morality. Mr. Vile thinks that we've never had anything good and wants to use radical protesting to create some sort of horrible ridiculous utopia and he's also pretty nasty. Just pick either one." The school bully, Nathan, swore to pick whichever one Billy didn't because Billy was a 'nerd'. Billy flipped a coin.

It landed heads. He circled Mr. Goody.

****

Dr. Wonderful stared at the webcam and stuck his fist up. "Evil shall tremble in the face of Dr. Wonderful! ....so, that's, you know, coming along. I'm working with a vocal coach and trying to get the wording just right. A lot of guys ignore the catchphrase and that's just about standards. If you're going to get into the Good Guild of Good you need a good catchphrase. I mean, do you think Good Cow didn't work on his catchphrase? His intimidating-yet-heartwarming-to-the-pure-of-heart catchphrase?" Dr. Wonderful shuddered a bit in admiration. "No response, BTW from the Guild yet but my application is strong this year. A "Curse you" from Dead Bowie. Dead Bowie. He's in the top of the ELE. That's gotta have some weight, so, fingers crossed."

"Emails! 4greatjustice writes 'hey genius' WOW, sarcasm, that's original! 'Where is the Gem of Markidanga you were supposed to rescue from Ida Sanfrancisco? Obviously it failed or she would have complained to her nemesis by now.' Well, no, she's not going to get public about it. But behold. Transported from there to here." He took a plastic bag full of a purple fluid from under his desk. "The molecules tend to shift during the transmatter... event. But clearly they were transported IN BAR FORM and... It's not really about getting artifacts, or really even saving artifacts. It's about showing evildoers that they can't get free prizes from evil actions. It's about changing our society that has become oriented around rewards for evil. It's about destroying the status quo, because the status is NOT quo. The world is a mess and I just need to CLEAR it of villains. I'm gonna..." He lowered the bag under his desk. "That smells like fruit... So, transmatter is 75% and more importantly the freeze ray is almost up. This is the one. Freeze ray. Stops time. Tell your friends."

"We have... OH, here's one from our good friend Blizzard John. 'Dr. Wonderful, you are clearly afraid to do battle with your nemesis. I waited at Dooley Park for 45 minutes.' Dude, you are not my nemesis. My nemesis is Captain Hammer. Captain Hammer Corporate TOOL. He dislocated my shoulder. Again. Last week. LOOK, I'm just trying to make the world a better place. I don't have time for a grudge match with every single greedy immoral bastard who thinks that they're the worst thing since sliced arsenic. Besides, there's kids in that park, so..."

"Here's one from AfterlifeRevolvingDoor. 'Long time watcher, first time writing.' Blah blah blah... 'You always say on your blog that you will 'show her the way, show her that you are a true hero.' Who is her and does she even know that you..."

In his fantasy, Billy entered the laundromat with a basket full of clothes. He was unable to keep from staring at the red headed girl nearby, who smiled and wore a completely black frilly dress.

"Laundry day/See you there/Underthings/Tumbling/Wanna say/Love your hair/Here I go/abuhbuh/mumbling/With my freeze ray/I will stop"

With a flick of his wrist, the girl froze in place.

"The world/With my freeze ray/I will find the time/To find the words to/Tell you how/How you make/Make me feel/What's the phrase?/Like a fool/Kinda sick/Special needs/Anyways/With my freeze ray/I will stop/The pain/It's not a death ray/Or an ice beam/That's all Blizzard John/I just think/That you should rest on/That/I'm the guy to make it real/The feelings you don't dare to feel/I'll bend the world to our will/And I'll make time stand still..."

In his fantasy, he danced with the girl, even though he knew he couldn't in real life.

"That's the plan/Save the world/You and me/Any day..."

"I love your hair?"

"What?"

"No, I, uh, love the air." Even in his fantasy he was truly unable to express himself.

"Anyways... with my freeze ray I will stop-"

His fantasy was interrupted by his sidekick, Moist, opening the door. He clicked off his webcam.

"Hey doc."

"Moist! My... moisture... buddy. What's going on?"

"One true way. Got your mail."

"Hey. Didn't you go on a double date last night? I was fighting Conflict Diamond and she told me you were crossing over with Bait'n'Switch. I don't mind, it's a personal life thing, not really a moral choice..."

"I didn't mind the evil part, even if it was a bit uncomfortable, but I thought I was supposed to wind up with Bait..."

"I hear ya. I saw Penny today."

"You talk to her?"

"So close. I'm just a few months away from a real, audible connection. I'm... I'm gonna ask... Oh my...!"

"Is that from the guild?"

"It's from HIM! That's his seal, isn't it?"

"The leader? The... oh my god."

"I got a letter from Good Cow."

"That's so hardcore. Good Cow has been called the "Best Bovine Leader Ever" by members of the Guild. Are you sure you wanna...?"

Instantaneously as Dr. Wonderful opened the letter, three monks rose out of the floor.

"Good cow, good cow, good cow, good cow! He grazes through the nation, the Heifer of good! He got the application and look it over he would! It needs evaluation, so the games have stood.... A thoughtful act, a true virtue, a saving would be nice mind you, good cow, good cow, good cow, he's good, the Good Guild of Good is watching, so be nice, the grade that you recieve will def'nitely suffice, so make the Good Cow gleeful or you'll be as good as lice, you're saddled up, you know well how, it's 'Eat Mor Chicken', signed Good Cow!"

"It's not a no..."

"Are you kidding? This is great! I'm about to penetrate a major villain's lair. He has the Wonderflonium I need for the freeze ray."

"Dragon?"

"Just hallways full of guards. Easy as pie."

"You need anything dampened or made soggy?"

"Thanks, but... the Guild is watching. I need to do this alone."