A resident evil story.. Without violence?! Yes. Exploding Cowbell with his first story, was bored out of his mind and wrote this.
..Yeeeeah.
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The day starts off.. Where a helicopter randomly hits the ground, diving down at a speed of 164 miles per hour, yet it is still perfectly fine. "Capcom is doing this to us for what reason, now?" The pilot; Brad, A.K.A. Chickenheart said to himself, crashing the helicopter repetitively, alas, it's still in one piece. So I decided to be a part crasher, and put the scene where Joseph gets.. errm.. eaten. "Oh my god, a.. plastic gun and hand?" The man with the, ermm.. Stick, shouted, as a growl was heard behind him. The next thing he knew, was a fluffy zombie bunny pounced on him and started jumping on him. "Joseph..!" Jill said, as Brad gave up crashing the helicopter and left. "WAIT, DON'T GO! You still owe me five bucks!" Chris said, as the one with the large squirt gun; Barry, was eating a cookie. "Quick, guys! To that suspiciously place mansion, that has lots of violence!" The captain of the P.L.A.N.E.T.S. team said, and thus, the rest did so. Then for no apparent reason.. They disappear and are already in the mansion.
Monologue: We are trapped in this mansion.. but sadly, because we're in a resident evil with no violence whatsoever, we're even more stupid, thus we cannot open the door.. It's just me; Jill; Chris; Wesker; Barry; Some person; Brad-even though he left-; Rebecca-even though we didn't even find her yet-; and the fluffy bunny choking Joseph to death by hugging him; along with Joseph loosing his oxygen due to zombie bunny hugs; and King Arthur/Sir Arthur We will survive evil fluffy bunnies, evil squirrels, hobos, a biological warfare bunny, a few Yorkshire terriors, and Osama Bin Laden. Did I mention that that the author is secretly following us with clever disguises and a great sense to find great hiding spots?
As me finished his sentence, the author decided to hide behind the air. Yet, because of people in Resident Evil being so retarded, that they probably wouldn't even know one plus one, they still didn't find the author. A loud scream was heard, so loud that it hurt me's ears. "Jill, Barry, go check it out!" Wesker said, eating a donut, and so Barry and Jill followed the person's orders. "Albert.. Don't try to kill anyone.. I've got your worst enemy up my sleeve.." The author said, and Wesker replied, "..Bunnies?" the author added, smacking his own face after what Wesker said, "..No… NI!" As said, Wesker and about everyone in the area cringed of the sound. "NO! I will not do anything with a herring or a shrubbery!" Sir Arthur cried, holding his.. uhhm, rubber sword. "..Fine, fine.. But you still have to chop the mightiest tree in the forest down with a herring, whether you like it or not." The author said, and me added in, "Ladies, l-" within a few seconds after the first time me said the word 'ladies', he was struck by an anvil. Soon after, a herring impaled the man, and as me was impaled by the herring, Sir Arthur cringed at the site of a herring. Now, due to me dying, there cannot be any monologues. Alas, there is no violence, so me turns into a mattress.
Thus, I have changed the POV to Jill and Barry. Randomly, Chris tagged along for no real reason. "It's.. Juice.. I sure hope it isn't Chris' juice!" Barry said, taking a straw out and slurping up all the strawberry juice, until Chris and Jill came by him. "You monster, Barry! You are drinking my JUICE! I made that for Jill, not you! How could you, Barry?!" Chris shouted as he went into fetal position and bawled his eyes out. "…Barry.. Maybe I should go check it out." Jill said, putting her hand on her hip. "Yes.. you should go check it out" Barry said sloppily, due to the fact that Barry was drinking the juice from the marble floor, and soon enough, he added, "And bring Chris with you." Barry finished with the juice, as Jill walked through the door, while dragging a now bawling-his-eyes-out Chris Redfield.
"What is that noise?" Jill said, as rambling about money and free stuff. Jill turned the corner, and saw the most horrible sight. A person with ripped up and tattered, and also kinda smelly and old clothes was robbing stuff from Kenneth's unconscious body. "OH MY GOD!" Jill screeched at the sight of the homeless person. "Free stuffsh pleesh?" The hobo said, then held it's hands up and walked towards Jill and Chris. "Is it a zombie or is it a- sniff –hobo?" Chris said, trying to recover from his whole going in fetal position and bawling his eyes out. Randomly, Jill ran for her life, still dragging Chris, and opened the door.
The problem was; Chris' legs were in the doorway, when Jill shut the door. As the door closed on the man's legs, he screamed so loud, people from Squirrel City heard it. Then, the door opened and revealed the hobo of ultimate destruction. Thus, Barry raised his squirt gun and blasted the hobo's smelly body with a large amount of super soaker water. "No one can withstand the holy might of the.." as if his voice turned into a really deep voice, and randomly, Barry appeared ontop of a mountain, holding his super soaker up in the air. "SUPER SOAKER!!" as Barry shouted it in a Hercules voice rip-off, a holy-ish light shone around the super soaker, and the sound from Zelda that happens when you obtain something is randomly heard. Alas, Barry's fascination was over, and he was back in the mansion.
"Let's go tell Albie, Barry and Chris!" Jill said, in a cheerful voice, with an anime-look of excitement. Thus, Barry and Chris stared at Jill like she was on crack, then Barry spoke up; breaking the silence, "Did you just call Wesker 'Albie'..?!" Then, for no real reason, they left that whole situation about Jill being a creepy fangirl behind and went through the door. Apparently, everyone was sitting down, along with a few random hobos and fluffy mutant bunnies in a circle, all playing a game of Blackjack. There was a scoreboard written sloppily on the door, it said the following; 'Everyone but Wesker-4; Wesker-9999', and an 'OVERKILL' is written above Wesker's name and score, like the OVERKILL from Final Fantasy X. Upon the author mentioning the name of a game made by SquareEnix/SquareSoft, he was sued to kingdom hearts.(Yes, you heard me. Not kingdom come, Kingdom Hearts. The worst series made by man.) As if bad luck was on the author's side, he was sued again by many Final Fantasy fans by giving people heart attacks due to the mentioning of the worst game made by man.
Thus, after the game of Blackjack, which Barry won in the most un-imaginable ways, they started to play Resident Evil 4. Everyone was crying, except Wesker; because none of them were in Resident Evil 4 and along-side it's awesome graphics of doom. Due to Barry bringing his own gamecube, controller, memory cards, Action Replay, and a Resident Evil 4 for gamecube. Soon enough, Barry unlocked the handcannon. Due to him being Barry, he equipped the handcannon at the beginning of the game, and automatically won the game. Jill, Chris, Wesker, and the others were confused, outraged, depressed, and also in a mood to kill Barry, seeing as the other can't do such a thing. Randomly, the merchant from RE4 came out from the bathroom, that once had a bathroom, a sink, a mirror, a cabinet under the sink, and a toilet. There were marks left behind from there previous location, but as soon as Wesker saw him, the merchant ran for his dear life. Mostly due to the whole part where he sold Leon all the guns to mercilessly slaughter everything that moves, including Ada, Krauser, and for some odd reason, Ashley.
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One does not simply cowbell his way to mordor. Read and Review, or else. takes out fluffy bunny