Post 1.07, Life In A Glasshouse.
Fire
She hasn't thought any of it through, I can see that much in her eyes. She gives me a quick feeble grin, but she doesn't seem to know I'm the furthest thing from a fool. I can see so much more, but I would never admit that to her since I know how it would wound her pride. And frankly, she's been hurt enough. She isn't a girl that holds great esteem for status or wealth, or having the right connections in life. She had tasted all that and disliked the flavor it had left behind in her mouth. The strings attached to all of its privilege. Acceptance always seems to escape her, despite the fact that she works so damned hard to earn it. Her eagerness to prove herself puzzles me sometimes, but it never ceases to further endear me to her. If only she'd put his efforts to something more worthwhile. More lasting than what some fickle people say about her.
People misunderstand her… Her brooding looks are mistaken for ignorance or rage, when all I can really see is the torment she puts herself through. All the punishments and hurt she inflicts upon herself for whatever went wrong in her sad turbulent life. The darkness in her complicated eyes holds her captive, yet no one's ever seemed to try and free her. I'm afraid she wouldn't let me if I tried. But I'm no fool, and I don't hold much weight to assumptions anymore, so I'll try despite this girl's hard shell.
I want to touch her, but I can tell she wouldn't even let me. I want to tell her that life does have pleasant things in store for her, if she'd only stop her fighting and look around a little. I can already tell it's her stubborn streak pushing her on to do these foolish things. Rash acts that only work to prove everyone right. I wish she'd show them that she could be wise instead of so angry, deep instead of this simple predictable girl she's turning herself into.
The waning lights of the day transcend into evening, and I watch her movements from a distance. Slow like honey, but never sweet, she'd rather die than be gentle since all it's ever gotten her was grief. So many times I've tried to imagine her as a little child, and a smile always lingers at the corners of my mouth at those musings. She must've been cheeky, a daredevil with too much loyalty to fit into her little frame. I wish she'd share what made her so hardened, what happened to that sweet girl I see lurking around her sharp edges.
Huddling into a small ball, I warm myself by hugging my knees to me, my eyes trained to her as she schemes her life away. Trying to understand her reasoning instead of her actions, as I wonder if perhaps I've also been swept away by this town's opinion of this girl. Perhaps I haven't uncovered all the trees covering her lush forest. I smile at my odd imagery, and she catches me in that simple moment. I seem to have puzzled her, and she strolls towards me. Another harsh breeze passes along the docks, and dread fills me for some odd reason.
"What!" She barks from a distance, raising her defenses in a split-second. I idly watch her jaw twitch, and can't understand where such a kind girl gets so much anger. "Woah…" I crack another smile, shaking my head a little while shoving my hands in my pockets. I don't feel like looking at her this time around, my sympathy is waning. My conviction of her heart seems less and less plausible with each passing day. I wish I had more faith…I wish I wouldn't need any at all, but a shiver runs through me as I look at her angelic face again.
She runs her hand through her unruly curls, aggravated by something…or perhaps by herself as well. And I relax a little, lowering my feet from the bench as I brace myself against the winter chill quickly descending upon us. I can hardly stop myself from wishing she'd let me wrap my arms around her, but I shake my head and dispel all hope from my brain. "Sorry," she says gently and turns my way. Awkwardness makes her upper lip tilt up a little in the corner, and it makes me want to smile but instead I nod in acceptance. "I just expected a lecture, everyone I know has had their turn…I figured you'd…"
Now it's my turn to look uncomfortable, while a part of me feels like I've disappointed her in some huge way. My stomach churns at the thought of failing her, and self-doubt overwhelms me all of a sudden. I tremble softly as I try to touch her shoulder, then quickly – uncertainly – decide that it wouldn't be best to reach out to a flame like this girl. Meek from afar, while her fever burns her deeper than she could ever show me. Deeper than I could even try to see.
"I care about you," I start off unsteadily, and I hear her exhale sharply, annoyance tinting his face in a handsome shade of crimson. "I should've known…" I hear her angry whisper, which in turn only seems to flare up the hiss of rage inside me as well.
"How dare you accuse me of being like all the others, when I'm still here." I gulp in large amounts of air, fueling my words with the heat of my emotions. I can't comprehend her logic, and frustration causes the rest of my words to sound so damn sad…something that makes me angrier with myself. "When I haven't ever walked out on you Peyton!"
Peyton matches my stare with a sturdy one of her own, hurt gleaming back at me from her hazel orbs. "Yet…" she states sadly. I can't believe the nerve, and I'm stumped into silence because of it.
"How can you be so careless?" I murmur under my breath, nearly silenced by my own inability. "We're friends, right?" She doesn't react, so I nod to show her I do consider her someone close to my heart. I can't read her for some reason, and maybe…. I start thinking I was wrong, maybe I've never been able to read her at all. Maybe it was her darkness that drew me to her, perhaps her danger was all I saw. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize," I get to my feet and walk away from the bench, more disappointed in myself than her.
"You say you understand…so many times you've claimed to know. But you don't know at all." She yells after me, causing me to stop in my tracks. I wish she'd stop speaking, I wish for once she'd know when to give up. I scoff loud enough for her to hear me, and turn to face her again.
"I'm not fighting with you Peyton, look at me." I command with fierceness, and hold up my hands in the delicate chance that she might realize this isn't a battle at all. "This isn't me attacking you. You don't even need anyone for that, you're doing a damn good job of that yourself."
I move back to where she's standing, while the moonlit evening is forming an eerie cast around us. I shudder against the words I feel pressing against my lips, I don't want to admit defeat but she has forced it upon me. "I'm walking away okay, since it seems to be what you've expected me to do all along…What you've wanted?" I try in some twisted sort of question, "Am I right Peyton? Do you want that?"
Her moves are stealthily and frightening all at once, as if she'd been practicing it inside her head. Her hands dig into my hair, and I exhale softly in anticipation of what she might do next…what she'd dare to do. The suspense is torture and I open my eyes again, only to find her staring at me. It completely unnerves me and I can't help but step back. Yet Peyton won't let me go, she seems enchanted with something…stubborn streak and all, I think in my own headiness.
And then her mouth slants over mine. I gasp softly into her mouth, she presses her hands against my chest. The kiss is slow. Almost fearfully at first, but then my urgency wanes, and all my senses peak, flutter and swell at the slow moves of her lips against mine. The way her fingertips feel so soft against the outline of my jaw, and then return back to my hair. I part my mouth in complete submission. I realize this must be the taste of triumph, and I kiss back with equal vigor.
"I want…" she kisses the corner of my mouth, while the sheer huskiness melts from her voice back to her devious eyes. "Yeah," I want to urge her on, or kiss her…but the way she's looking at me is making my stomach do somersaults like nothing I've felt before. And then, like I'm some toy she's lost interest in, she's the one to step back from me. Crestfallen, I sigh, covering my kiss-swollen lips with my hand, and my cheeks flush with embarrassment. She was merely teaching me a lesson, I scold my own foolishness while loathing the pleasure I took in it.
"Goodbye Peyton," I try for dignity but nothing ever works for me these days, and I want to strike back at her. The urge for revenge overwhelms me all of a sudden, but my eyes start tearing up instead. "I'm sorry you feel the need to ruin yourself. No, scratch that…" A cold derisive chuckle erupts from my core, and good intentions dwindle away into the chilly night air. I glare at her while she does that thing I hate…feigning nonchalance, when I know she cares, since that's her mortal flaw…caring too damn much.
"I don't care what you do to yourself, you're not the girl I thought you were." Pity, I think…and decide to not withhold anything, revenge might evoke some sweet triumph as well, "It's a shame you know, since you don't realize you're the most honest person I ever met…except you can't ever be honest with yourself."
"You don't even know me," she is retaliating, fighting against the wrong person as usual I think idly. "I'm not the nice girl." She laughs but it doesn't reach her face, I bet it would be beautiful if it ever did…but she'd never allow it. God, how I wish she'd let it reach her eyes.
"Don't you know, I'm the girl that has a dead mother, the one my father won't even bother coming home for, the one who screws up everything she touches." I shake my head, but I won't cry, I won't prove her right. I watch her raise her arms, and curse under her breath…and I wish she'd stop. "You don't know me! I'm not sweet, or gentle, or…" Peyton stops then, backing into the quiet stone statue she prefers over everything else.
"You're wrong," I declare sternly, "You were always sweet to me, you're the only one who… Never mind!" But she grabs my arms, making me face her again. "Go on."
But I really don't want to, I feel like on the verge of making a huge mistake. Something too delicate to say out loud, I wish she'd stop pushing me. Perhaps she'll never realize that she isn't the only one who doesn't know how to deal with people. "You and me aren't a lot different." I smile wryly, my old facade, the person I portray with such poise, unravels in front of me, and I hate that she's here to witness it. She looks at me like I've lost my mind, and I can't blame her. How in hell am I comparing myself to her?
"No one understands, or listens anymore." I smile to myself, feeling odd things happen in my stomach. "It's something really rare, especially in this town. Everyone's so disenchanted and bitter; you can hardly find a sane person in this place. And yet no one is crueler than these people, despite being chockfull of flaws themselves they can shun like no one else." I'm rambling, and I expect that her expression would be horrified, but it isn't… Peyton once again proves what a beautiful exception to the rule she always is. Delinquent with a heart of gold, she used to say so many times. I love the kindness she hides away in her eyes, and continue my musings while I glance up at him, but can't be sure if she's even listening, as her face remains void of any emotion. "And you saw me, you're the only one in this whole town who saw me…and talked to me." I feel my eyes well up, certain and so sad that my spirit to fight has flown off with the cold river breeze.
"Peyton, I care about you, you need to realize that. And damn you, I don't care if I'm selfish, I want you to be okay again…for me!" A huge chunk of my head is still in the clouds because of her kiss, and I'm breathless for a second as I quickly lick my lips. "For you, I mean…" I chuckle softly before tucking a strand of hair behind my ears.
She finally cracks a smile, and I want her to come closer, or talk or something for god's sakes. "So?" I whisper nervously, and I can't stop my stomach spinning from the way she's staring at me. Like her gaze is penetrating through my skin and into parts she isn't supposed to come. Peyton just shrugs at me, "What?"
"Why are you doing this, at least tell me that."
"You've heard all this before."
I give her an exasperated glare, but her eyes warn me not to lecture her. I don't listen to anyone; she should know that by now. "Yeah, revenge…blah blah blàh!" I illustrate my snippiness with my hand, but quickly stop when she's only inches from me.
"You need to…stop." Peyton hisses under her breath, but I can see the banter in her face. Or I hope it's banter; I can't seem to read her all too well tonight.
"I never answered you before," at this my brow crinkles, and I give her my best 'whatthehell' look. The corner of her mouth arches up a little, and her eyes lighten with playfulness. "When you asked me what I wanted." I feel my face burn instantly, while hating her for having such a devil's streak and all I manage is a hoarse, "Oh."
She takes her turn to moisten her lips, and puts her small, delicate hands on each shoulder. Damn you, I curse her silently, and she chuckles right on cue, leaving me to wonder if she is a mind reader.
"I want to kiss you again." I arch one eyebrow at her, wanting to come off a little stronger than I feel. She doesn't need to know I'm shaking in my shoes. She doesn't need to know I want her to kiss me too. I realize I am very complicated, when the warmth of her breath skimming my cheek ceases any brain activity I might hope to have. And I'm tangling myself in the potential retorts clinging to my tongue.
"Who says…I want you to?" Peyton is to be undeterred in her goals. That's what makes her so successful and so foolish all at the same time. My heart is silent with me for a moment, and I feel so faint I hardly make her work as I lean into her. I grin, halfheartedly, watching how she arches one eyebrow in some sort of mocking question. I want to smack the cocky smile right off of her lips, but instead I allow my fingers free travels in her soft curls.
"I say so," I hear her faintly whisper against my mouth, before covering it with her own. And I buzz with something entirely new, something entirely pleasant…I smile against her lips, and then part them a little, ready to be daring like this girl. Ready to embrace the fire she holds inside, burning might be beautiful like her.
It's not as cold now, with my arms wrapped tightly around her shoulders, her tongue dipping and brushing against mine… I feel her sigh into me, and I open my eyes to steal a tiny peek of her. I can hardly believe this is me, washed over with emotion for this girl who did such a good job of pretending she never heard of such a thing. Her hands cup my face, and her kiss tilts from passionate to tender and then back again, making me dizzy in the wake of it all. We part, breathless and dazzled by one another, and I feel her retreating from me as if she's realized what has just occurred.
"No wait…" I wipe my lips with my fingertips, avoiding her eyes as I swallow the derisive laugh I feel bubbling from some bitter part of me. "Let me guess, you didn't mean that," I shake my head, as I run a hand through my hair. Oddly realizing her hands in my hair was so much more different. Disappointment shadows over my embarrassment for letting her toy with me a second time. "You know what Peyton, I just remembered I seriously gotta go." I croak and turn to leave.
"How can you be so sure?" I hear her ask very gently, and I'm not sure what she means so I turn back to her. "How can you be so sure…of me?" Peyton gives me a fearful look, her cheeks flustered and her lips swollen. I smile for her, I can't help myself, since it's such an endearing sight. "Because I see you as you are. I refuse to see the girl you are trying so hard to become, or the one people think you are." I shake my head, unsure of how to say this, but so certain of my meaning. It's odd how people can get so tangled when they know that what they want to say is so important, and so true.
I close the gap between us once again, wanting her heat to race the sudden chill from my bones.
"I guess I'll have to spell it out for you then Sawyer." I stare into her swirling eyes, and raise my hand to cup her cheek. "I love you, that's the only thing I'm sure of, that you are what I need and the person who makes me this happy."
Heat rises to my cheeks in record time, and suddenly my head begs me to retreat. But I don't…perhaps I am a fool in dire times, but I cannot for the life of me step away from her. From the look she's giving me. It's frightening and invasive, and perfectly serene all at once. Her silence shakes me more than she could know, and yet I can't break it either. I just stare at her, as the chilly breezes come rolling by us from the river, freezing us in our confusion.
"Don't say that if you can't handle it," her smile turns bitter, twisting her into someone she'll never become. Like she was daring me, finish what you start. So trying to be brazen this time, I nod my head and press my mouth against her. "I can handle you." I chuckle softly, and kiss her again. Peyton doesn't move for the longest moment, as if I've scared her with my bravery. She hadn't expected me to agree, or venture on into the darkness she's surrounded herself in. Her fire flares though, untamed and beautiful, and her hands delve back into my hair as the softest moan escapes her lips. Her kiss grows high and low and spreads its flames into my veins.
"Same here," Peyton declares between breaths, and I lose myself in the sweet wildness of her inferno. In her gentle determination and her fiery passion, I'm glad I stayed to look and really see her. "Sometimes I can't believe you stuck around…" I sigh as her lips press warmly against my temple, "stuck by me" Peyton hums lowly, and my insides flip at the way she seems to be inhaling the scent on my hair. I pray that she's serious, since I feel dizzy with joy. "You can't get rid of me, I'm loyal." I declare, along with a huge proud grin. I notice her eyes swallow my image, and I'm left feeling unnerved and flustered.
The lights flicker and flash in her eyes again, and adrenaline roars through my head. I find myself settled in her embrace again, her fingers playing with mine in such an innocent way I'm amazed this is the same girl who tries so hard to be so tough all the damn time. "And beautiful, and warm…" I can't even hear the rest of what she's attributed me with since my need to kiss her takes me over. I pull her down, and she stops herself moments from my lips. Her eyes take me in, unbelievably scrutinizing yet so deliciously adoring.
"I have loved you for so long." And her eyes give me the reassurance I need, adding so much power to her words. "I'm sorry for…" I kiss her hard then, erasing her apology from her lips, as I reaffirm how much I relish that fire she keeps inside of herself. And I know I'm losing myself in this girl, as her fingertips continue searing my skin, I realize I don't care…