And people don't understand why she loves Jade not how - no one ever questions how Cat does anything at all so much.

And it's one part Jade's bossiness - it helps when Cat feels so out of control and her mind won't stop whirring and she can't stop laughing and then Jade's voice drowns it all out. But it's two parts awe - because Jade wears her sadness like a badge of honor. It envelopes her like a shield and people hate her because she is so angry... But it mostly feels to Cat like Jade is angry so that she can be happy - or that Cat is happy so that Jade can be angry and then no one has to be sad.

And sometimes when there is no where to go and the yelling in her house won't stop no matter how many stuffed animals she piles under her bed to block the noise and she always knows where Jade is. And even though Beck's bed is too small for two - sometimes it is just the right size for three.

And when it's dark and she's full and she wants to talk and talk and talk and talk - Jade is there, with her arm slung over Cat's tiny waist and she always feels like such a child but not when Jade is there like that, so close and warm and her breath warm and moist on the back of her neck and Beck is there too (is there a Jade without Beck? is there a Cat without Jade?) and she'll growl at Beck to kiss her and he will pull them both tighter - until Cat is flush with his chest and he smells like a warm summer day and he'll kiss them both - so chaste, on the top of their heads.

And Cat doesn't feel like she's drowning.

And then there's a day when there really is just two in the bed and Cat feels so adrift - and she shuffles between them like a yo-yo and the language doesn't make sense but there are no words for how Beck's hair doesn't smell quite right and how Jade's we tears on the back of her neck make her laugh even harder and though the rest of her family friends feel so relieved - Cat misses the arguing. Because she was the only one who saw how lovely it could be when they'd take her in their arms when the dust settled and kiss her and pet her and promise to never do it again.

Because she can't be the only one who sees.

How ragged Beck is, how dark those circles are under his eyes and how desperate and pale Jade is. She can't be.

But it's so much easier to just ignore it - be happy that there's no fighting - and Cat just laughs louder and Beck takes the time to notice her more - to touch her occasionally though it isn't really the same and Jade is more patient but no one else sees.

And what is her life, anyway - but a series of events no one can see.

No one can bear to watch and so they turn away.

And when she has to hear her mother talk once more of the brother that was no more or never was - Cat doesn't really see the difference anymore - and she hears herself repeat the stories of this mythical figure this brother that was not - who was somehow always an infant, always a man grown and when she once stopped to contemplate how maybe he was an uncle and not a brother but these words don't seem to make it any less or more difficult to shake him from her mind, to stop repeating the stories that don't make sense, to stop spilling nonsense words in an attempt to ground herself in the world.

And when Beck holds her tight and pretends only doesn't pretend that she is someone else, she will sometimes whisper into his creamy scent, "I wish my brother were more like you" but what they both know she means is I wish I had a brother like you.

I wish I had a life like yours.

I wish the world could somehow make sense again - isn't it supposed to make sense? But the only thing that makes sense to Cat Valentine is the feel of flesh pressed up against skin, and the sound of Jade West's voice.

And the secrets that Cat whispers in the dark are the same that Jade shouts to the world without anyone else hearing. The only response they know is Beck's flippant smile and each other's skin, voice, touch, whispers and that's why Cat never wonders who loves who more because she can see they are all the same - hiding and embracing a certain kind of pain no one else is willing to admit is under the surface.

Though sometimes Cat feels dizzy with how loud they seem to be shouting out for …

Something to stop Cat's empty laughter and Jades hollow shouts and Beck's sad smiles. And it just might be that they hold each other together - that without one they'd each split at the seams.

And so when people ask Cat why she is still such good friends with Jade West -

When Tori brushes her hair softly away from her face and hugs her close

and doesn't make a move to bring her closer out of fear and Cat just smiles, because she's Cat Valentine and shouldn't understand the feelings her best friend hides away

When Andre finds her hiding in his backseat and he pulls her into his lap and lets her chase away her fears and unending laughter with soft kisses that never hurt and always make him seem so sad.

and Cat takes a wicked delight in spreading her sadness and then pulls him all the closer and giggles at how much he can't see that she and Jade are the same

When Robbie follows her blindly into the janitors closet and for a tiny moment she feels just like she knows she ought - awkward and wet and full of smiles and grasping hands.

and she is never jealous of Trina - just as she couldn't fathom being jealous of Beck - and in those secret, hidden moments when they are all three, she almost feels whole in that way that Cat only finds with two and never with one

- She just smiles and giggles because that's how Cat would respond, have you met her?

And there are nights when she's bent half-naked over the tub and Jade is rinsing dye out of her long hair and she watches flow down the drain like blood and she gets momentarily lost in the beautiful symmetry of it she will sometimes lose her breath laughing so hard until Jade shouts at her and holds her and the laughter dies down into sobs...

And a moment crystallizes in her mind: that moment when she can say with sincerity, "Spoilers! There is no brother!" And mean the words without any laughter hiding the sadness.

But until she's ready - Jade is there to hold her hand, to curl around her in the night and growl in her ear, to stop her mind from collapsing in on itself with the sound of her voice. Jade is there to fight off the sadness with her anger, while Cat stamps down the sadness with her laughter, and when they are alone... When they are alone they can be none of these things, they can be all of these things.

They can be