There was now in reality, through will lost was there a jutsu he could no longer bare to summon forth. A conception of his own broken mindset driving itself to force power, to crush and pierce all enemies who may dare confront him in battle. Admitting that it had been made in innocence was even more pathetic a realization. For while his reality had shattered several times within his life, as a young Jonin, even chunin, there was no way to find a happy ending. Now, he knew well enough through far to much experince he could hardly force his own proficancy.
From his dreams, nightmares, he woke bloodsoaked with a pounding heart and screaming voice. Sometimes it was so routine that he did not notice that his own shouts or crying was broadcasting for all to hear.
There were sometimes echos of the past speaking in his mind as taunt. As a seasoned shinobi he ignored this, and walked on. Any indication of reminder was throughly ignored, smothered and left to the night when it would plague him again. He reconginzed his own vulrablity, and in age, he knew that it would only get more vivid, not less as one would hope.
Sometimes, like now. He would stare at the sky and ponder on circumstance, if his own decisions had actually made a difference or if it was merely designed to reach this path regardless.
"Oh Kakashi." He never expects to get interupted from his own mentality, yet it happens everytime he walks this particular road. Speaking of his own demeanor was the fact he always had the urge to ignore every greeting. Espically from the young woman who could always be found at the flower shop on Tuesdays. That is, before making quick pace to the graves. Kakashi knew that the strange, sweet girl was not threatening or unkind. But she was only talking to his own desolate figure because of some moral integrity ingrained into her. "How are you this morning?" She asked with a gentle smile that it reminded him of someone now lost.
Kakashi made himself turn away from the simliar look, crawling in his own mind away from making a connection. He stears away from rememberence and any quandry unto his mental state that may arise. "Ah, I'm afraid I never asked your name, my apologies." He obfuscates as best he can. Luckily enough for him a civilan doesn't seem to understand the obvious tactic. Giving him a varient of his own closed-eye smile.
"I'm Nari. I completely forgot I never entirely introduced myself. My bad!" Kakashi notes, for the first time that Nari-kun is actually rather energtic: moving about while she talked and gesturing slightly, a hand going up to rub at her neck.
Perhaps because of the one night stand they'd shared making everything awkward, he hadn't wanted to confront the woman directly. Although, he knew that wasn't it, not entirely. Then again, Kakashi reflects, on what he knew, and what he had taken as fact from others.
He and his comrades found that: Nari-kun examined things. Not as a civilian, nor as a shinobi, as if she knew people she'd plainly never met. Casting blue eyes, always seeking other familiar faces, and once they landed her face would light in some sort of memory that couldn't have possibly been shared.
For all his experince tainting his vision, he knew that this Nari was a strange girl indeed.
One not to understand but to merely accept unless situation proved necessary. All he could do was be reminded of times long past.
He recalled his rival -self proclaimed- Gai, speaking loudly unto his ears with a boisterous voice that could only be taken but wise even for a man of such idiocy. Perhaps he could attempt to socialize, at least unto those who gave him sweetened greeting. More so when they retained such indeviduality, matching his own.
"Ma, I was wondering, about that one night..." He hadn't but, he was putting out there as a chance to focus on anything else.
He could barely remember anything from that evening anyway, just a beautiful woman walking him home, and then the private after party they'd both had accidentally. Details remained fogged over and very obstructed by alcohol and the want to forget everything and everyone failed. The only reason he knew it was Nari-san was because of her blood-red hair, starkly reminding him of Kushina's.
Nari's of course differed -though Kakashi still suspected a relation to the Uzumaki clan, which may have been another reason for his avoidence.- Nari-san's hair was slightly spiked, but only in the back at her ponytail, her bangs were as straight as a rod it was also really thick. Almost resembling Jiraiya-sama's, if Jiraiya-sama had tied his hair in a high ponytail. Her eyes were wide and innocent, but not as the common citizen, both a bright sky blue as well as a deep ocean blue that captivated the stars. Knowledgeable in more things then the normal nine-to-five person would be aware of. Her skin tone was a tan, as Naruto's.
Though Kakashi didn't think of that. From what he could tell, she was maybe eighteen, judging by the mature structure of her face. Though, he knew that makeup may be fooling him in that regard. She wasn't very tall either, though that hardly mattered, he couldn't help but note he was at least four to five inches taller.
"Are you heading anywhere today?" He looked to her, not having expected her to have noticed his own evaluation of his appearence. Maybe she hadn't, he thought, for she didn't seem in any way affected, still with a soft smile resting on her features. Though her blue eyes were baring into him now, patient and sweetened by honesty.
"Not really… Thought I'd check the mission desk… Do you want to join me?" It was a selfish offer, mainly because while she normally visited the graves today, he just didn't want to see or even imagine another person plagued by grief today.
As response she merely tucked the bouque she'd bought under her arm, and began walking beside him. They walked in silence, and Kakashi could not pretend that it wasn't uncomfortable. But for now he was merely thankful she hadn't asked how he was dealing with everything. The last thing he wanted was concern, or the pity that shadowed it. He glimpsed her scratching at her cheek in what he could presume to be a nervous habit.
"I was wondering…" Looking a little more in her direction it was impossible not to note that she was playing with her hands, searching for the right words. "I know you don't really do it, but, would you like to go on a date?... Sometime? Or you know, not, its okay." Well, Kakashi thought to himself, that hadn't been expected at all. Certainly he'd had been asked out many times, by one night stands and strangers, friends alike. However, most didn't put on the ending part, often taking rejection as insult. Nevermind that most of his propersitions had been merely to get in his pants, or his mask.
As far as he could remember, which was far, he had never actually been on a date. At least not one that was supposed to be taken as such. It would be as a new mission he hadn't attempted before, it was worth it if only just for the attempt. "Sure, why not, it'll be a new experince." Was it the kindest answer, no, Kakashi knew it was not. But Nari-san took it well enough, smiling largely. He really couldn't help comparing her to Naruto, even if that shook at his mind, and tore at forbidden memories.
Before he could speak something else, for his own sake. They came across a sight, it seemed one of the Legendary Sannin had returned. Many women threatening the Sage with their sandles. Kakashi had something painful clentch within at the sight, knowing what was up and coming. Considering his position, he felt obligated in this, more so as he didn't wan't the Lady Hokage to deal with it, and burden herself further.
He looked to Nari, willing her with his eyes to wait, she seemed to understand his silent communication. A solem nod given at his direction, stilling, and clutching her flowers close to her chest, eyes now on the ground. It seemed she knew of the connection they'd shared Kakashi surmised.
A large and steading breath brought him forward to where the laughing man was. The guilt cutting into his throat, even if he hadn't be there at the time. He knew of his own failure, and it was made more paramount by his past failings. Speaking to Jiraiya would be as telling Tsunade had been like.
Kakashi dared not think of Iruka and what the entire conversation had devolved into.
He knew not if he was glad or in dread at the fact hat he was seen first. Suddenly unaware of how to approch the situation, yet doing so anyway, felt stupid. Jiraiya was smart enough to notice his unease however, which made it easier, and more pained at the same time.
Kakashi didn't know what he should say in this circumstance. Genius or not, it didn't matter, he was clueless and afraid. "Kakashi, what's wrong." There was no question in his voice, just a demand to know. And the Jonin didn't know what to reply with, surprising bonbarded with all of the concievable answers he could fathom.
To steady himself, he gave a large sigh, overwhelmed by everything. He was being stared down by one of the Great Sanin, who's height had never been more appearent then now. "Jiraiya-sama…" The elder man raised an eyebrow, it was ment to be humourous, but given his dispoistion, and the situation, it was anything but. "Naruto… Died in action." The words clentched in his throat, stuck in his mouth, and fell from his lips only to stab at his abdomen.
Across from him, Jiraiya looked like he was about to laugh at the joke. Kakashi couldn't blame him, it sounded so stupid in reality. The man stopped though when he took in the expression on Kakashi's face. A horrifed realization fell onto his features, his eyes blown so wide that all the wrinkles around his marked eyes were stretched to their limit. The red lines underneath were pulled downwards with his lax lips, frozen in a face of utter disbelief. Kakashi interupted his expression as that of a man who had lost everything.
That is. Before a harsh anger replaced everything, a deathly glare focusing itself on Kakashi, and he couldn't move away from the accusation there. Mainly because he couldn't disagree with it.
He had failed, and he knew it, Jiraiya knew it.
He didn't get a chance to say anything before he was meeting with a large fist in his face, and collapsing into the dirt, a scream ringing out behind him briefly.
"You- You!" Something close to a growl slipped past any restraint the Toad Sanin had, standing over with hateful eyes. Hidden behind the tresses of such long and straggled hair, there were tears raining down his face. "I trusted you." It was so quiet that he had almost missed the pained words. But Kakashi did not miss the second fist in his face as Jiraiya grabbed his turtleneck and hoisted him up to meet his furious gaze. "I trusted you to protect my Grandson! You can't do that?! He was all I had! You bastard!"
In a rule to keep himself from beating on his comrade it appeared, Kakashi banged his head on the ground as he was thrown down. The older man walking away with shaking shoulders, the burden of guilt and pain not leaving either of them, Kakashi knew that it was equally torturous for both of their hearts.
Hands tugged at his shirt, and he found them to be Nari's, she was helping him up, despite her slight frame. Her eyes were cast over as Jiraiya's had been, but her's was from a different emotion. There was no anger in her gaze, there was sadness certainly -judging from the building wettness at the corners of her eyes.- But no, it was self-hatred. He couldn't say why it was there, or how it involved what had happened.
Kakashi just knew it was connected.
Jiraiya, and Iruka. Two people who considered Naruto important, vastly, a Grandfather and a Father. They were special people in general, and Kakashi knew he had failed them both. He was good at failing, but he didn't expect it to become the main ficture of his life.