:: Author's Note 1 :: For those of you who are into my work-in-progress, "House Cats", you have the great mishy-mo to thank for this little onesie. She offered up the idea for this story, and it didn't work with the continuity of "House Cats" so it's a stand alone story. No spoilers except that- yes- House is keeping the House Cats. So again, this story is inspired by, and dedicated to, mishy-mo!
"Damn Paul Newman"
How do I get myself into these situations? Dr. Alison Cameron thought miserably.
After a mulling it over briefly, she decided who to blame: Paul Newman. The bastard.
"Mraow!" yowled a voice from behind House's desk.
"Damn Paul Newman." She griped, scowling. Though, no one could hear her, she was alone in House's office.
She heard faint purring emanating from behind his desk.
Okay, maybe not totally alone. She mused.
She wandered over to House's desk, and peered behind it.
In House's chair, curled almost tenderly around each other, were the indomitable House-Cat and Cameron-Cat.
In the last couple of months, the kittens; now known throughout the hospital as the "House Cats", (Or the "Furry Little Bastards!") had grown rather considerably.
Cameron smiled nostalgically as she recalled the day House had received the mewling litter: his birthday. The surly doctor had been positively irate, but slowly, the staff began to notice that the fluffy litter had grown on him. He even decided to stick with the names they had been given on the day they were found. Christened after House himself, Cameron, Chase, Foreman, Wilson, and Cuddy; the litter had become a bit of a gang. Each kitten had even begun to act like its namesake; which Cameron thought was unsettling.
Luckily, House had turned out to be a cat person… not so luckily, everyone suspected that he was training them to be his evil minions. Of course, those who had not witnessed the litter and House sharing breathing space still couldn't believe what they were hearing: Doctor Gregory Khan- er, House- was the proud- Ha!- caregiver of six kittens and one rat.
Even two months later, Cameron still had moments where she found herself laughing quietly at the whole thing. The kittens had adopted little Steve McQueen as well, which was one hell of a sight to behold. On more than one occasion, Cameron would be in House's apartment, and she'd catch sight of fuzzy little Steve riding merrily on the back of a random House-Cat. The last time; she had seen the little hairball clinging to the back of Chase-Cat as though he were a fluffy warhorse.
It was cute. Which was a weird word to associate with Gregory House, but cute nonetheless.
A second yowl broke Cameron out of her internal monologue. She looked down and realized that House-Cat was staring at her with an unusual look in his eyes.
That kitten was as odd as his human counterpart. No cat should have eyes that gleamed that intelligently.
She stared back at him as he gave her a rather sleepy- and definitely irritated- assessment. One little forepaw was wrapped almost protectively around little Cameron-Cat.
She gave the world's bitchiest kitten a gentle smile.
He made what she could only describe as a hmph noise, and fell back asleep: his fluffy body wrapped around Cameron-Cat's.
She could only grin as she watched the tender way the two kittens snuggled together. It was almost unbelievable; House-Cat had a full-on kitty crush on little Cameron-Cat.
"Ah, if only." Sighed Cameron, trying to keep a hint of jealousy from creeping into her voice, but failing.
Thank God no one's here!
Then she reflected on how she got stuck in this… situation.
House's Office: One Hour Ago…
"Oh, come on Wilson! Like you actually have a life beyond chemo, chemo, wife-swapping, chemo, hand-holding, chemo, chemo…" Sniped House.
"I can't do it, so shut up and go away." Wilson replied dryly.
With a wordless snarl of frustration, he turned to Cuddy and two of the three Ducklings. Somehow Chase had managed to escape House's ire.
He started to turn to Cuddy, but she cut him off, "Don't even try it on me, buckaroo-"
"Buckaroo?" asked House.
"I like to try new things." She snapped. "Anyway, I can't do it."
"Why the hell not?" House practically howled.
"Because I don't want to." She replied primly.
"That's no excuse." He whined.
She grinned in evil delight. "And if you try to make me, I'll double your clinic hours!"
Without breaking stride, he turned to Foreman.
"Unh-uh. Don't even go there with me."
House actually stamped his good foot. "What the hell!"
"I may be an animal person-"
House grinned, unable to resist. "Wow, Foreman. Kinky."
"But I am not going to baby-sit your demonic alter-ego while you run off to the vet!"
The cat carrier on House's desk began to wiggle impatiently, and a chorus of tense mewls began to emanate from within.
"Foreman, if I don't get the four of them to the vet pronto, God knows what that carrier's going to smell like."
At some point, Chase-Cat, Cuddy-Cat, Foreman-Cat, and Wilson-Cat had all begun to vomit quite vigorously, and though House would sooner be flayed alive than admit it, he was clearly worried about them. Somehow, House-Cat and Cameron-Cat had escaped unscathed, so they couldn't go near the other four. As a result, there were now two kittens living in House's office.
"House, I'm a neurologist, not a cat-sitter!" yelled Foreman, and then he left before House started in with the name-calling.
Which left…
"Ah, hell." Murmured Cameron.
Cuddy, sensing danger, snatched Wilson by the wrist, and the two of them fled.
"Traitors!" Cameron accused loudly.
"Have fun!" Retorted Cuddy. And then they were gone.
House turned his gaze to Cameron.
"Ah, hell." She repeated, and this time it sounded more like a squeak.
House advanced on her. She kept her outer-cool, but inside she felt like she could vomit about as liberally as the foursome in the cat-carrier were.
She had it bad for House, and everyone knew about it. Including House.
Ugh.
Suddenly, he wrapped his arms around her waist, dipped her, and gave her such a thorough kiss that she could swear her toes curled.
When he pulled away, she found herself gazing deeply into eyes that were Paul Newman blue. And he still had his arms around her.
Silkily, he purred, "Come on, Cameron."
"Buh." She thought she said, though she wasn't quite sure.
He released her, snatched up the carrier, and bolted out the door like nothing had happened.
"Buh?"
Back to the Present!
Staring gloomily out the window, Cameron's fingers brushed her lips, which tingled pleasantly when she contemplated House's kiss. She absently scratched Cameron-Cat behind the ears.
She knew House had kissed her to get his way. She knew she had been played, but still…
She looked down at her furry alter-ego. "So, how'd you manage to pull it off?" she asked the kitten.
Cameron-Cat looked up at her, and climbed into Cameron's lap, purring contentedly.
House-Cat, detecting the absence of his sweetheart, promptly woke up. With an annoyed growl, he too climbed onto Cameron's lap. He nipped the female kitten on the ear, as if to say, "Don't wander off again, missy!"
Cameron grinned. "What the hell is your secret?"
As if on cue, House returned, sans cat-carrier.
"What happened to the others?" asked Cameron.
House jumped, as though he had forgotten she was there. "Oh. Kitty food poisoning. Too many hairballs."
"Well, that's certainly good- what the hell?" she interrupted herself as she realized House was unceremoniously kicking her out of his office.
"You're dismissed now. Good-bye!" House chirped as he shoved her out the door and closed it in her face.
She stood there and stared at him for a moment. Just when she thought Doctor Gregory House couldn't be any more rude!
She glared, and held eye contact with him. They stood like that for about a minute or so, eyes locked in battle.
Then, very briefly, House gave her a very terse, but genuine smile. It lasted for about three seconds, and it made his eyes sparkle like lake water.
Then he closed the blinds.
Chuckling bitterly to herself, she strode away towards the clinic, muttering, "Damn Paul Newman!"