Disclaimer: I do not own this show. Or any of the direct quotes. I'm just having brain meltdown but I'm enjoying it.
Note: The zodiac quotes are from a book called Darkside Zodiac by stella hyde I think?
Yes I find the zodiac fascinating no I do not take it seriously, and neither should you. There be yaoi here some very slight Renji Bya and Shuu Yumi and some Ichi Rukia friendship romance if you want to take it that way.
Aquarius
Renji and Byakuya.
"Renji..."
Renji felt a hard chill roll down his spine. His captain often spoke in a near(try complete) monotone with undertones of cold(arctic) disdain. (..yeah that's pretty accurate. However every now and again in moments of extreme irritation that tone would show up, and when that tone made an appearance it never bode well for the soul it was aimed towards.
"Ahh yes taichou!" he stood ignoring the papers he knocked off the side of his desk.
Byakuya's dispassionate(deceptively) gaze followed their decent. Byakuya's eyes followed their decent then turned back to Renji.
"When. Is my birthday?" he asked, his voice still cool.
Renji blinked. "Um...January 31?"
"And that makes me... what?"
Renji tilted his head to the side and rubbed his chin. Okay this was uncomfortable...where the hell was he going with this? Renji carefully looked over his taichou again. His face was placid, his eyes their usual reserved pools of cold, indifferent calm. His body language was relaxed--then he remembered his taichou is trained nobility, and all of those things meant absolutely nothing. Shit.
"Renji."
"Ummm...it makes you...born on January 31st?"
Byakuya's left eyebrow arched. Renji immediately began to sweat. Not good. Not good!
"Really." he said sharply.
There was real emotion in his voice now. Oh shit.
"Because." Byakuya continued to stare at him as he raised a multicolored paperback book within inches of Renji's nose. Okay it was that book Rukia had --damnit. The book was opened to a dark blue page, he couldn't really make anything out on it. "According to the book you gave me last week...read it."
"Erm---I"
Without missing a beat Byakuya moved the book back enough that the characters could come into focus.
Renji hadn't actually bothered to do more than note the fact that the book was very colorful before leaving it on his taichou's desk. Since the first paragraph was circled in bright red sparkly marker he assumed that was what he was supposed to read." Right...Aquarius January 21st to February 19th A fixed air sign ruled by Uranus." He couldn't help it he snickered--then promptly stifled it at his taichou's evil glare." Sorry. It is the eleventh sign on the zodiac wheel, directly opposite Leo, and is named for the constellation Aquarius (the water carrier), which looks down it's nose..." Okay he'd have to thank Rukia later for getting him FIRED! "Ah Taichou--"
"Finish."
Renji really didn't want to, especially since Kuchiki-taichou had that glint in his eyes, "a-and takes notes behind the Sun at this time of year. On the Darkside, this makes you a chilly, detached, eccentric loner, with perverse voyeuristic habits and a shard of ice in your heart. Taichou?"
"Renji?"
"Can you please kill me quickly?"
"You're not done. Please continue."
"I'd-I'd really rather not--"
"The bitch rating."
"Did you just curse?"
Narrowed eyes.
Renji quickly located the bitch rating."A-, theoretically a high-ranker, but you don't bother much because, for a smart one-liner king like you, it's just shooting fish in a very small barrel; but if you find a worthy foe, and there is an appreciative audience on hand, you come on like Cyrano de Bergerac and pulp their ego to mush with vicious sarcasm. Taichou-"
"Temper gauge."
Renji sighed, he was so fired. "0 to boiling point in .0001 sec. since you do not suffer fools gladly, but like to give people a chance to defend themselves. No red-faced shouting (not logical), just a cool insults and deletion of offender insults and deletions of offender from your database." Crap he was fired. Well at least he wasn't gonna die hey maybe he could go back to the 11th for a while...wait a minute what was that look about?
"Is this why you refuse to respond to my advances?"
Renji blinked. Then blinked again. Yep it was his captain standing in front of him extending a book about zodiacs that he thinks Renji gave him, and asked him..."Whaa?"
"...have you read this book at all?"
Renji shook his head no.
"...." he turned the book back to face himself, flipped three pages then put it into Renji's hand."Read this page and then come to my office...if you think you can handle it." he said calmly turning on his heel and walking away.
Renji looked down at the book in his hand, noted the word sex, put the book down and followed Byakuya into his office.
OTHER VICTIMS
"It all makes perfect sense now."
Orihime nodded again, glancing the brooding stawberry out of the corner of her eye. "It is surprising accurate."
"It is not accurate damnit! It's just a bunch of contradictory generalizations that don't make any sense except to gullible idiots like you!"
Rukia fixed him with a flat look, then looked down to the book in her hands again."Orihime?"
"Hm?"
Rukia cleared her throat, "Cancer is a grumpy, secretive, passive-aggressive grudge hoarder, with bipolar mood swings and a positive genius for pointless worrying. You are grumpy, moody,snappy, graceless, gloomy, grudge-encrusted, devious and fretful. You distrust life and have no faith in the future. To build immunity against fate's random cruelty, you look for homeopathic doses of gloom wherever you scuttle. You well up over anything lonely and hopeless. You love to whine about everything and everyone and are shameless addicted to other's misfortune."
"T-that's a little mean--maybe the friendly bunny one might be better-"
"Pay attention Orihime! Is Ichigo grumpy?"
"Well uh...-"
"I am not damn it!"
"Is he secretive?"
"Mayb-"
"No."
"Prone to bipolar mood swings?"
"It's not his fault!"
"Wha-IDONOTHAVEMOODSWINGS!"
"Graceless and grudge-encrusted?"
"...well their is Shi-chan from 3rd grade, but that's just one exampl-"
"She stole my robot boy pencil my mom gave that to me that's a completely different-" Ichigo stopped midrant stood ramrod straight and marched out of the room. "You know what I don't have to put up with this! My life sucks enough as it is and I don't need some know it all bitch in a book to tell me I'm a fuckin' asshole because I was born in early JULY!"
*SLAM* STOMP STOMP STOMP
Rukia smirked, "Bet he's going to get some cookies right now..."
She couldn't wait to try it out on Ise-fukutaichou during the next shinigami women's meeting.
Shuuhei
"This book is wrong."
Kira nodded wisely. "I know! I am not a loud, overconfident, aggressive thug with way too many Y chromosomes and a will of titanium and granite! Aries really get a bad-really I kinda wish I was like that...just a little?"
Shuuhei stared at him out of the corner of his eye then shook his head again, "No. I meant about Yumi...he must be lying about his birthday. September 19th must be prettier to him or something."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"The personality traits listed for virgo which according to his date of birth is what he falls under. Does not fit with his profile. Libra on the other hand...vain, shallow and petulant. You are a spendthrift with an unerring eye for style over substance and a lifelong dedication to the quest for an easy meal ticket ssuperficial and shrewd. That's him that's completely him!"
"Uhh Shuuhei..."
"I mean come on...you are an antsy malcontent, restlessly searching for satiation. When stuff doesn't satisfy your need, you turn to people. You simply can't help using people and they fall over themselves to let you. Tell me that's not my Yumi?"
"That's not your Yumi." Yumichika twittered dangerously sweetly right next to him.
"Shit."
"My how crude." he giggled. "But nevertheless shit is the word, and it's deep."
"Yachiru needs a babysitter."
Please feel free to tell me what you think.