A/N: This was written in the middle of the night in one sitting. I think I found most of the really blinding mistakes but I'm not good at checking my own stuff so sorry if I missed things. Anyway, it's utterly pointless but I hope you like it...
Crisis Situation (or Why Girls Hate James Potter)
"Ladies, we have a serious problem."
All three of the occupants of the boys' dorm looked up at James briefly before resuming their previous activities.
"I'm serious here guys."
James huffed in indignation as all of his friends continued to ignore him. He grabbed a charms textbook off of his nightstand and hurled it at the back of Sirius' head.
"Ow!! What the..."
"Pay attention; this is of vital importance!"
Sirius raised a sceptical eyebrow and rubbed the back of his head.
"Sure it is James."
James had to work hard to hold down the slightly girly scream of frustration which almost erupted from his mouth; Remus and Peter hadn't even looked up from their books and this was important dammit! Peter wasn't even doing anything important- he was reading the instruction leaflet for his bloody broom! Surely riding a broom should be fairly self-explanatory.
"It is. Look, will you all bloody listen to me! This is a crisis situation!"
Sirius rolled his eyes and summoned the mirror in a hopeless attempt to try and see if any serious damage had been done to the back of his head.
"Is it a crisis situation like the time Evans found out you nicked one of her socks to make that love potion or like the time you thought you had dragonpox because you got some green ink on your arm?"
"That first one was a crisis; I had to hide from her for weeks. Besides this is much, much worse. Like, a billion times worse."
Sirius settled down on his bed with his hands on his lap and an air of patience which really grated on James' nerves.
"Well if it's even worse than the Great Sock Debacle of '76..."
James decided to take the high-road and forego a witty comeback due to the dire nature of the situation.
"Avery shagged Melissa Layton."
Sirius waited for James to continue. When it became apparent that this was the extent of his big news he replied with a rather anti-climactic-
"So...?"
"What do you mean 'so...?'?!"
Sirius sighed and placed a hand on James' shoulder in a way that gave the impression he was trying to explain something to a little kid.
"While this news is undeniably disgusting, wrong, foul and nightmare-inducingly disturbing, it can hardly be counted as an international incident. Why do you even care?"
James' eyes seemed to bulge out of his head in disbelief; this impression was probably increased by his glasses magnifying said eyes to almost twice their actual size.
"Why do I care?! Do you realise that this means that even Avery- as in spotty, scrawny, crap at everything, Slytherin Scum Avery- is getting laid now and we aren't?!"
"Yeah but by Melissa Layton?"
"Still!"
Remus finally looked up from his transfiguration essay.
"It's just Avery- it's not like everyone has or anything."
"No, no, no, see that's what I thought too. Lestrange has too."
Sirius shuddered.
"Who in their right mind would do him?"
"Your cousin apparently."
"Oh... well that explains it."
"It's not just the Slytherins either; soon everyone will be doing it. How did I miss this?!"
"James, you're overreacting again."
Sirius, who had been looking thoughtful, raised a hand to quiet Remus.
"Maybe he's right."
"He's not right."
"Think about it Remus- we're 16 now, it's not like we haven't done anything but still... it would be pretty embarrassing to suddenly be the only virgins in the year."
Remus shook his head in disbelief.
"You can't be serious?"
"Well, it would be. We have a reputation to uphold here."
"My point exactly."
"You two are being ridiculous; it's not some kind of race. Pete, back me up here."
Peter, who had been oddly silent throughout this entire exchange, finally looked up from the broom manual.
"Er... I dunno really."
"See, he agrees with us."
"Well, I wouldn't say that but..."
"Pete, seriously? You agree with them."
"No, I just..."
"Ok leave him alone. What I'm trying to say is, I think we should try to make it our business to get this whole first time thing out of the way and do it fast. That way it won't be a problem anymore. You agree?"
"Definitely."
"No, but I don't suppose that will stop you."
"Peter?"
Peter had gone bright pink and was fidgeting his thumbs.
"What is wrong with you man?"
He swallowed and turned a shade of red James had never thought was possible on a human being.
"Um... yeah, see, thing is... I kind of... already did it."
"WHAT?!"
James and Remus' eyes popped out and Sirius shook his head.
"Nope, no way, you would have said. Why would you not say?"
"I thought you'd take the piss. It was all kind of embarrassing."
"Who was it?"
"Patty Jenkins."
There was a moment of complete silence before both James and Sirius cracked up laughing. Remus tried to be kind and shut them up but he was very clearly trying to hold back laughter himself.
"You shagged Fatty Patty."
"See this is why I didn't tell you!"
"Christ mate, I'm surprised she didn't eat you!"
Once the hilarity had worn off a little James became all business again. He took Peter's confession as proof that he was right and that his plan was more important than ever. It took Sirius a little longer to stop giggling about Peter but once he had calmed down the two started plotting in earnest.
They drew up a list of all of the girls in their year, crossing off the Slytherins and the ones like Patty, who they unanimously agreed it would be more embarrassing to shag than to stay virgins forever, and decided which two they were going to go for first, based on a scientific process of how fit they were vs. How insecure and how easy they were. Sirius had to work very hard to dissuade James from going after Lily Evans, pointing out that firstly- he hadn't managed it yet so it wasn't likely to happen anytime soon, and secondly- if he was really that into the whole wanting to marry her and grow old with her thing then he didn't want her to be his first time because the first time was always shit and it would probably put her off.
"So that's decided then: Maddy Parker and Alice Prewett."
"When are we starting this?"
"Tomorrow. As soon as possible. That way we leave room for failure and multiple attempts."
Remus looked on, half disapproving, half amused.
"You two are insane."
"Ok so maybe asking them outright wasn't the right approach."
"But still, who knew they'd be so damn touchy about it?"
"Um... everyone but you two?"
"Shut up Remus."
"I think we're going to need new targets."
"It's we'll just move onto the back-ups."
"Ok, good plan. Come on, we should go."
"I can't believe McGonagall gave us detentions for that. Hardly any of the pie hit her."
Remus smirked as his friends hurried off to their respective detentions.
Sirius was puzzling over his dilemma as he headed to the hospital wing to help clean the bedpans. He been so sure Maddy would be up for it but, judging by the lemon meringue pie which had been flung at his face and hit McGonagall, his judgment had been slightly off.
He was nowhere near as confident about his back-up option which, since it had gone so spectacularly badly when he had been confident, couldn't be a good sign.
He was just running over possible lines he could use in his head when Ella Fitzpatrick, a Hufflepuff in his year, almost ran into him, bawling her eyes out. He was about to tell her to watch where she was going when he had a vague memory, maybe someone had said it, maybe he'd heard it on the wireless, of someone saying something about girls and comforting them in their hour of need and that somehow being related to getting laid. He decided that Pomfrey probably wouldn't mention it if he didn't turn up and turned to chase Ella down the corridor.
The next couple of hours were, without a doubt, up there in the list of the most tedious moments in Sirius' life so far.
It turned out Ella's boyfriend, some guy who was a couple of years older and sounded like a bit of a twat to Sirius, had just written to her to tell her he was dumping her for another guy... who she had introduced him to.
He had to admit, after two hours solid of listening to her whine he could kind of sympathise with the bloke.
It seemed to have paid off though because they were going to Hogsmeade together at the weekend. She seemed to think he was the sweetest guy in the world and Sirius almost felt bad.
Almost.
"But what about the plan?!"
"Sorry mate, it was a perfect opportunity."
"How could you do this without consulting me?"
James second attempt hadn't gone much better than his first. Sirius had thought he'd been quite gentlemanly about it but apparently the girl n question disagreed... violently.
"You can't just abandon me."
"I'm not. Look, if this works out I will dedicate my full attention to sorting you out too, alright?"
James nodded grudgingly and watched as Sirius tried to decide which t-shirt said "I kind and caring but you want me to fuck you" most effectively, eventually deciding that no item of clothing could say that much at once and settling on a white one. He spun round for James.
"What do you think? Does this say 'utterly shaggable' to you?"
"I guess. I think you should wear the other jeans."
"Really?"
"Yeah, they're tighter around your..."
James seemed to realise what he was saying and trailed off, coughing awkwardly.
"I think we need to spend less time together."
"You know, I don't know what I saw in that loser. I should've dumped him when he tried hitting on my dad."
"Yeah probably."
"Sirius? Are you even listening to me?"
"Yeah of course. You want another drink?"
Sirius was massively grateful that he'd had the brainwave to go to the Hog's Head- they would give anyone alcohol in there and he definitely needed it. Unfortunately it just seemed make Ella moan even more.
He passed her her drink and she downed it almost in one, barely stopping for air.
"You're a really sweet guy Sirius. You know, all my friends said you were really immature and that I should stay away from you but I knew they were wrong."
"Um... Cheers?"
"They're all just jealous 'cause you're reeeallly hot. Like really, really hot."
Sirius was beginning to feel very uncomfortable and decided that he should probably get this over and done with as soon as possible before his conscience kicked in too hard.
"Do you want to go somewhere else to talk? It's getting kind of crowded in here."
She nodded and he led her out of the pub along the path to the shrieking shack, she was clinging onto his arm and breathing on his neck and he suddenly felt horribly sober.
"Oooh we can't go in there! It's haunted."
"Only on Wednesdays and alternate Fridays."
She nodded as if this made perfect sense and followed him through the back gate in the shack.
It was dusty and smelt like wet dog and there was rubbish everywhere and Sirius was beginning to think this whole thing had been a stupid idea but it wasn't really up to him anymore- Ella had draped her arms around his neck on was kissing him, dragging him backwards to the sofa.
"Ella I don't think this is a good idea..."
This is a terrible idea.
"You're drunk..."
I don't fancy you.
"You're upset..."
I'm wimping out, get the hell off me!
She pulled back, looking hurt, and Sirius thought she was going to slap him.
"I'm sorry, you're right."
Well he wasn't expecting that.
"Thank you for being so considerate. You're the nicest guy I've ever met."
Trust me I'm not.
"Don't worry about it. Come on let's get you home."
"After all that you pussied out?!"
Sirius shrugged and James threw his hands up in despair.
"You're hopeless Sirius."
"No he just has a conscience. About bloody time as well."
"Shut up Remus."
They passed a group of girls who all immediately giggled and looked away. One of them waved shyly at Sirius and smiled. He looked over his shoulder to see if there was someone standing behind him but there wasn't.
"Who were they?"
"No clue."
When they reached the Great Hall Ella jumped to Sirius' side.
"Hey, just wanted to say thanks- for last night- and I'm really sorry it couldn't work out with us. You're such a nice guy. My friends all agree what you did was really sweet- most guys are so sex obsessed."
He looked over at her friends and noticed one girl smile flirtatiously at him. He stuttered out his reply and headed to his space by Remus.
"What was all that about?"
"I think we should try a new technique. I think not having sex could be the way forward."
James shot Sirius an incredulous look and got up to attempt to talk to Lily Evans. As Sirius watched his best mate get slapped around the face for the third time that week he decided he was definitely onto something here.
A/N: So there you have it. Please review x