Why follow around someone who didn't care about you or had a superiority complex?
Why help someone who never did for you?
Then again, I don't have the right to question. After all, for most of my childhood, that was what I did. I knew it was wrong, but my younger self didn't want to admit it. When someone has something that you don't, you can't help but feel like listening to them, even admire them for it.
I was able to stop acting like a lost puppy that followed a stranger home, but the admiration never left.
Even though I couldn't stand up for myself or voice my thoughts all that well, things started to change once I had my chance at high school. Someone, for once in my life, didn't pick on me and, instead, greeted me and wished me luck. To be honest, I felt happy, even a little more motivated than at first to get through the exam.
In the end, she saved me. She put her own life on the line as well. And even after that, she was willing to help me get in, even if that meant losing some chance at passing.
But on that first day, when I realized she was going to be in my class, that same feeling from the test day came back. I didn't have to worry about being alone again. I made friends. There was someone I actually really liked.
Then something else began to happen.
When the battle trial between "heroes" and "villains" happened, something started to change. That battle between me and him became more than just a test. It was more of a release, a way to express everything that had built up for years and years.
After that though, the nervousness didn't go away entirely. Then, a thought popped into my mind.
Maybe I needed to be honest.
So I was. I told the truth to him and only him. It was obvious he didn't understand the meaning of my words, but for once, he acknowledged me. He knew I was no longer just somebody standing on the sidelines.
But the sight of the tears that he was barely holding back caused my chest to tighten in pain. Before I could say more, he was already leaving. Since then, being around him had left me feeling strange. At first, you would just think it was just the admiration or nervousness.
In reality though, they were the same feelings I had around her.
So now, I stand at a crossroad, wondering which way to go. Maybe I don't need to make the decision now, but maybe one day, I'll have to choose. Either the path that is new and unknown to me or the path that had harmed me for so many years before.
Originally posted on songofblaze on tumblr on January 11, 2015