Title: Keep Breathing
Author: chokolaj
This was written for the Sheppard HC LJ Challenge #9 in which authors have the opportunity to write missing scenes/fillers for fics that other authors wrote.
I guess you could call this an epilogue to Titan5's "The Experiment", a wonderful and amazing fic that you MUST read before you continue forth, if not simply because it is a wonderful and amazing fic!!!
I've always wanted to explore some of the darkness Shep found himself in that fic. I know that Titan5 resolved things in the end of that fic, but I really wanted to go further into Sheppard's psyche. What he did was so out of character for him.
--//--
His heart was hammering. Darkness of another kind was clawing at him. Sweat drenched his skin. An overwhelming despair taunted him, consuming him, showing him the only way out.
It felt right. It was the right thing to do: to free him of this pain.
He only wanted peace. He would not allow pain to conquer him once again. He would take back control - even if it meant his death.
If only he could spare the others of the pain it would cause them.
He could not live like this. There was no point in it. Better to end it now.
And so, he did.
--//--
Nightmares plagued his sleep. Repeating every time. Or rather, they ended the same every time. The details were sometimes different.
Didn't matter though. The fact remained that he hadn't quite gotten over his attempted suicide.
Rodney had often barraged him about being suicidal but it was all in jest. Protecting others at the expense of his life was part of the job description. But the experience that Kavanaugh had put him through was different. His reaction was different. He had chosen the easy way out - without a second thought. He questioned whether it truly had been an act borne of instinct.
He couldn't shake the fact that he had wanted it all to end. It scared him. The desperation he had felt was something he never wanted to feel again.
He did not feel victorious for surviving. He wanted to bury all reminders of the incident yet the scar upon his temple would never allow him to forget. Sure, there were holes in his memory…things he would never recall…perhaps he chose not to on some subconscious level.
However, it was the bits and pieces he did recall that bothered him the most.
And the scar that never faded.
--//--
The journey of a stone was a far greater tale than anyone could ever know. Time: immeasurable as its shape is molded. Distance: irrelevant as it tracks forward and backward, up and down. But oh if it could boast of the moments it created and destroyed!
Eyes cast down upon the thousands of smoothly polished black stones beneath his bare feet John Sheppard had time to ponder such things.
The beat of the ocean hammered against land.
Taking in the salty breeze, Sheppard sighed in content. Finally, a planet with a decent sized surf.
Their current mission led them to this paradise. They were negotiating a trade agreement to collect some beans that were amazingly similar to cacao beans…chocolate.
Rodney was ecstatic, inspecting all the beans within a heavy woven sack. Teyla was negotiating while Ford stood idly by, keeping an eye on all those at hand. Two leaders stood before them, chatting away happily with Teyla.
It was all background noise. With so many thoughts and feelings still swirling within and only on the second mission in from the "incident", Sheppard found it best to focus on things less complicated. The sky. The sea. The stones….
Oh, the stones. An unhappy string of blotted memories entered his mind. He couldn't seem to escape the randomness of recalling. It haunted him to the point that he no longer found himself at ease. It was all he could do to grasp onto the simple things in life and hold on like his life depended upon it. And in some way, it did.
"John." Teyla's soft voice carried from behind. He turned to see his team and the two leaders looking at him expectantly.
"Coming." Sheppard responded and watched as the others turned and receded up the white sand towards a shady mangrove peppered with huts that seemed to sprout from their upper branches. It was a small settlement. Rarely hampered by the wraith. They had always found safety in nearby sea caves. The tides were never a problem: there was no moon orbiting the planet to influence them.
The planet was a sanctuary. Sheppard felt safe here. Even from his self.
His wondering mind could meander forever, never seeking a destination. The feeling was intriguing to the point that he almost considered staying. Almost.
He had obligations. Duties. Lives to protect. It was who he was. There was no changing that part of him. It was what he clung to in times of doubt. The many times of doubt, in fact, that had pummeled him into submission in the months following his attempt.
Storm clouds rumbled on the horizon as he took in one last look upon the sparkling waters. A small smile reached his lips, with the thought of his team and Rodney's precious chocolate pulling him away from such serenity.
He turned finally, leaving it all behind. The smallest of steps, breathing in, breathing out…every moment led him down the path of healing.
Someday he would even be able to forgive himself.
--The End—
Author's Note: When I first read through The Experiment, one of my first SGA fics in fact, I stopped after the part where Sheppard shot himself. I was shocked and it hit on a personal level to the point where I couldn't continue reading it. Well, the fic was too damn good and I had to know whether he made it or not, so I eventually finished it.
Someone very close and dear to me attempted suicide. The events surrounding it and how I found out were very hard to deal with. It has taken me years to get over this and to this day, there are still unanswered questions. Let's just say that talking about this kind of thing to each other isn't something we've ever done. Only recently have I been able to be open about it, and still not with that person! So in a way, writing this was very therapeutic and something I have wanted to tackle for a while. Thanks for reading.