Okay, just a reflection oneshot about our favorite assassin, Suzuka of coarse! Might be a bit OOC, but this idea just popped into my head and I couldn't get it out untill it was writen, so here goes.

Nope, don't own outlaw star. I'm just weird enough to love it.

Sometimes, when I am thinking about my past, Melfina or Jim will ask me if I'm alright. I must look very sad for them to ask. Aisha does not notice when I am in this mood, she has never been a very perceptive Ctarl-Ctarl. And Gene? Well, I can tell he notices but he isn't one to talk about a woman's feelings.

I tell them it is nothing, just feeling nostalgic. But that is not true. I'm thinking of my soul, and if I can be saved. I know my soul is broken, perhaps beyond repair.

I feel as though each person who dies by my sword takes a little part of me with them as they drift off. I know that the part of me that is still inside my body is much smaller than the piece that have left. Sometimes, I wonder if those pieces of my soul might wash up on some distant shore. Finding each other and sticking together, but still not becoming quite whole. But if this is true, that pile of soul on the distant shore is more me than this part-empty body. How odd would it be, if one's conscious self was not the real you? How cold and meaningless your life would be. If I believed that that was my condition, I would have run myself through long ago. But how do I know? How do I know I am still full of soul?

I know because I care, and I hurt, and I love. I care about whether or not I wake up tomorrow. I care that my heart tears when I think of my old family. I hurt when I remember the lives I have taken. And I love my family. Not only the ones I have lost, but the ones I have gained.

Someone once asked me if I loved my captain. I never answered this question. Not because I feared the humiliation of admitting something so personal to one so vile, but because he would never understand the difference between loving and being in love. He could never understand the love of a family. Of coarse he couldn't, he took my first from me.

I know I love this new family. I know because I worry when Jim is out late, I get a stomach ache when Melfina cries, though that hardly ever happens any more. I can't help but think of my old family when Aisha feels home sick and I can't sleep when I know something is bothering Gene.

Sometimes it feels horrible to carry the emotions of four other people, but it is better than the aching loneliness that enveloped me in the years in between my families. I get a cold feeling inside me whenever I think of what could have happened if I never joined this crew, if I never met my second family. And whenever it gets hard to feel for so many people, I remember the times when their smiles are infectious, when I can't even keep my emotional wall up because if I did, I would burst into hysterical laughter. I have to let the joy out in short bursts, so as not to have a complete breakdown. We each play our own role in becoming one perfectly balanced unit. Aisha working on pure impulse, Gene carrying out the impossible, Melfina softening the consequences with reason, Jim forcefully shoving the results in a desirable direction with cunning and wit. I'm not sure where I fit in, and I doubt that I ever will be. All I know is that I do not upset this balance at the very least, and that is good, for none of us could survive without it.

So? Bad? Good? Alright? Didn't exactly do my very best, if more inspirations strikes I'll edit, but no promises. I just wanted to get it out there for feed back, Kk? Please review! I would appreciate it!