Toi et Moi
Disclaimer: I own neither Pokemon nor the song "Toi et Moi" by Amuro Namie.
Children jump around
Kittens gaze at wonderful things
Everyone laughs
I clean up the Pokemon food Psyduck has somehow managed to spill, carefully throwing it into the trash barrel so that Daisy doesn't have a fit at me for keeping a messy gym. She's always on my case, Daisy. Doesn't she know that I try as hard as I can? It's difficult, and it's not as if I ever get any help from her. Now, if Ash were here, he wouldn't care if the gym floor were a mess, strewn with Poke chow.
Ash. I scowl as a lump forms in my throat. Damnit; I'm not going to cry. Not while Daisy's in the next room. Not in front of Psyduck. Not again.
Tell me! Can you feel me or you can't?
Don't give up! Turn around!
Close your eyes and tell me how you feel!
Give me something real!
A goofy grin appears on Psyduck's silly face as I wipe a tear from my eye. Dumb duck. I would slap it, but I know that Ash wouldn't approve of that; Ash would never harm a Pokemon, not even one as annoying and useless as Psyduck.
Why do I care about what Ash would think or do? It's not as if he would ever know, being miles away in Sinnoh, miles away while I'm stuck here in Kanto running the gym, miles away with another girl...
Yes you can do it!
Love warrior fight for your love!
The fact is, however, that I do care. I care more than anything. I always care about what Ash thinks, like that time when we were at the festival at Maiden's Peak and I made sure my hair was perfect and that I chose the most beautiful and fitting kimono, one I was sure would catch Ash's eye...
Now I've lost it. Just thinking about dancing with Ash at Maiden's Peak is enough to open the floodgates. Psyduck's rolling on the ground with laughter. Still, how could I not cry when I think about the way Ash looked at me that night, the way he looked at me as though maybe, just maybe, I was pretty, the way he never looked at me like that again...
It was just a little game but...
Lying isn't a crime but...
With such memories
My heart aches
Now I've triggered a slew of memories of Ash, memories I would rather not think about, memories that always bring about the emotions I hate most, the emotions I am afraid to express.
I think back to the epic events of Shamouti Island that occurred near the beginning of our journey together. Ash had insisted on playing the hero as usual, but this time his heroics had gotten him into real trouble when he had almost drowned. I had saved him, swimming out in the frigid water, risking my life. What else could I do? I loved him. I still love him.
While I would make the same choice again in a heartbeat, I remember the way Ash had simply rushed on to play his part in the legend of Lugia and Shamouti Island, saving not even a glance for me, the girl who had just rescued him. After all, when did Ash ever think of me?
An aspiration needs courage from somewhere
I helped you when you would have drowned
As much as I've teased Ash and stated the opposite, I've always believed in him and his dream to become a Pokemon Master. I don't care if Dawn dresses up as a cheerleader or if May shouts out his name at every match--no one can have more faith in Ash than I do. I'll always be routing for him, whether he knows it or not...
Someone couldn't receive how much I believed in them
Walking a long road, I may lose my way, and cry, but...
Daisy always asks me why I cling to the past, why I waste my time thinking of Ash when he's moved on to bigger and better things. Why don't I simply get on with my life? That's a good question, isn't it? Why don't I get on with my life? Why do I torture myself, waiting here while Ash travels in faraway lands, in faraway lands with other girls, girls he probably likes better than me? After all, it didn't take him long at all to replace me with May.
Still, I continue this inner war, struggling between letting go and holding on, between the past and the present. I don't do it for anyone but myself. I'll always fight...
It's not for anyone's sake or anything...
I'm always battling with myself
If I had one wish, I would wish for a time machine so I could travel to the past, back to when I journeyed with Ash. Would I do things differently if I had the chance? Would I have told him how I feel? One thing I do know for sure is that I would have savored every moment, every little smile, every laugh, even every bit of teasing, knowing what I do now, that I would never get to experience them again.
Of course, that is impossible to do...
I can't go back from here
If I lose, I can't go!
We cannot return; let us embrace our fate completely!
May and Dawn. Ash's new traveling partners, new companions, new friends. What I wouldn't give to have been May while Ash traveled in Hoenn, to have been able to share with Ash every victory, every step further towards becoming a Pokemon Master, towards achieving his dream. What I wouldn't give to be Dawn right now, there to witness every new capture, every milestone event.
No, I'm neither May nor Dawn, and I never will be. Dawn's traveling with Ash and Brock in Sinnoh and May's traveling in Johto with her rivals, her friends. Me? I'm traveling nowhere and with no one...
A lonely story, I find myself alone
I dream of getting closer to you for a moment
Ash calls me occasionally, emails me now and then, writes me every once and awhile. Usually it's to brag about obtaining his latest badge or to excitedly tell me about his most recent capture. The conversations never last long; the emails and letters are short. I try to track him down sometimes, studying the Sinnoh map and sending letters to Pokemon Centers I think he will be visiting. Still, it's not enough.
I firmly believe that someday we will be together again, that someday I won't have to rely on letters and emails and phone calls that send the phone bill through the roof. Until then, I can only look at the night sky and imagine that Ash is looking at it, too, and maybe, just maybe, thinking of me the way I'm thinking of him...
This may continue until somewhere, the night sky I don't understand
I want us to flap our wings together and ascend into the sky
I've calmed down now, my sobs abating into small hiccups. Psyduck seems disappointed that the show is over. I don't understand why it still excites it; it's seen it enough times for it to become boring. I clean up the rest of the Pokemon food and return Psyduck to its Pokeball, much to the poor duck's disappointment.
Slowly I trudge up to my bedroom, weary after a long night of feeding the Pokemon and cleaning up after Psyduck's mess. I glance at my alarm clock only to find that it's very late. I seem to have lost all concept of time over the last couple of years...
A tear will dry
Time becomes intertwined
Before I climb into bed I glance at a picture of me and Ash, one that was taken while Ash was competing in the Silver Conference, right before I returned home to the gym. I look so happy in the picture, with my arm around Ash, blissfully unaware of the sadness that would seep into my life only a short time later.
I wonder if Ash thinks of me often. I doubt he thinks of me as often as I think of him, but part of me cannot help but wish that perhaps every now and then his thoughts turn to me. I say a quick prayer for him, begging for his safety. (God only knows that that kid is always getting himself into dangerous situations.) I do this every night...
Darkness softly closes its eyes
I secretly continue to protect you
Because you are here, I cry as I smile
As I close my eyes I continue to think of Ash. What's he doing at this very moment? Is he sleeping soundly, softly snoring? Someday I will be a part of his world again. Someday I won't have to wonder...
I strongly hold onto only your warm world
You're here, and so I want to love you, and never leave you
Only your warm world, more than anything
I know it sounds clichéd, but I truly believe it is destiny for Ash and I to be together. Because of this I will continue to wait. I'll always wait. After all, one can't mess with destiny.
We cannot return; let us embrace our fate completely
Author's Note: Whoa, angst overload! I'm sorry about that. I know Misty-centered angst fics are grossly overdone, but this was just too tempting.
Not only is this fic dripping with angst, it's also, gasp, a songfic. I know, I know...it won't happen again.
Anyway, the song "Toi et Moi" plays at the ending of the second Pokemon movie, Revelation Lugia (The Power of One in English—God, I hate that name!). The translation (yes, it's a translation, which is why it's so awkward sometimes) comes from . Don't ask me why a Japanese song has a French title. (For those who know no French like me, "toi et moi" means "you and me.")
Please read and review. Keep a lookout for another one shot I have coming out, called Fault Zone.
Thanks for your time. :)