Title: Golden Eyes
Penname: Twilightfanpire1721
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, it owns me. Twilight characters and things belong to SM. Golden Eyes belongs to Twilightfanpire1721.
Summary: Edward and Bella become pregnant and have a baby. Renesmee. Five days later her eyes and skin turn yellow. Jaundice. This is the night that changed their lives forever.
Submitted for the 'To Kill a Cullen' Contest
Please check out the other entries here:
http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/community/To_Kill_a_Cullen_Contest_Community/76759/
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Sobs fill the air and the smell of sickness, with bleach and waste, is all around.
Through blurry eyes she can see the ghosts. This floor is full of the dying and the dead.
And now, she can hear the cry of the babe, who does not belong here.
The cage they have kept her in binds her there. The tubes are all around.
But the worst part is the yellow in her eyes and on her skin.
Her captors whisper "danger" and "brain damage."
But all she sees is golden.
-:-
Bella woke up panting and drenched in sweat. The dream had been so vivid. But with all her dreams in the past, she was never able to save the one thing that truly mattered.
The tears ran down her face and soaked her shirt.
It had been five long years. Five years of nightmares and broken sleep.
Bella got up from her bed and walked over to the bookshelf and pulled down the worn and faded journal, the one that held her memories and dreams. On nights like this she would start from the very beginning, when her life began to change.
-June 30th -
Tonight was the roughest night of my life. They were sitting there with their hands folded on their laps. No one spoke a word after I told them what was going on. Charlie, Esme and Carlisle, all look towards Edward and me, waiting for us to speak…
"You're pregnant!" Charlie stood up from the recliner and began to pace the room. "I knew it, I knew something had happened."
Carlisle stood up and put his hand on Charlie's shoulder, whispering in Charlie's ear to calm him down.
Esme cleared her throat and again everyone focused on Edward and me. Very slowly each pairs of eyes dropped down to my stomach. I automatically let go of Edward and tugged at the hem of my shirt to hide myself.
"I'm pregnant." The two words I never thought would leave my lips. Never in a million years would I expect this to happen. My greatest fear. I started to cry, and Edward wrapped his arm around me.
Esme began to softly sob and Charlie swore under his breath.
Carlisle put on his doctor face and asked, "Have you thought about an abortion?"
All at once screams and voices filled the room. Edward jumped up and stood toe to toe with Carlisle.
"NO!" rang out loud and clear throughout the room. Edward, Charlie, Esme and I, all in the same instance. Esme gave me a small smile.
I couldn't make out what was being said. I was too focused on the small form inside my body. There was no way in Hell I was going to murder my child. The moment I found out I was pregnant I knew I could never hurt it.
"We made our bed and now we have to sleep in it. I'm keeping the baby whether any of you want me to or not." I stood firm and looked all of them in the eye.
"Okay, then what are you planning on doing now?"
Great question, Carlisle, I thought. It was one that Rosalie asked a few weeks ago.
Oh, Rose and Alice.
After the graduation party I spent the night with them. Carlisle and the boys went hiking for the day, and Esme was out shopping.
Alice met me downstairs and directed me to the guest bathroom.
-:-
"Go. Spill." I giggled at her choice of words but quickly froze when I realized there was nothing funny about what we were about to do.
"I don't understand why we have to do this. I feel fine." I marched into the bathroom.
"Yeah, whatever. You threw up the other morning and Edward's acting all mopey. If you don't tell me what's going then I have no choice but to force you." Alice called.
The little box was waiting for me on the counter, but I already knew what it was going to say. Edward and I had been through this process after we discovered I was late. Oh, how stupid we had been!
I stepped out of the bathroom with the strip in hand.
"Well…" Alice tapped her foot impatiently and held her hand out towards me.
"There's a plus sign." I gave her the strip and went over to the sofa.
"I knew it. I just knew it." Of course she did. Alice knew everything.
I heard footsteps on the stairs and cringed at the thought of Rosalie finding out.
Alice came over to my side and I saw the small tears trying to squeeze out through the corner of her eyes.
"God, don't you people ever sleep?" Rose stopped mid-stride when she reached the living room. "Okay, who died?"
I let out a shaky laugh and told Rosalie I was pregnant.
"What the Hell, Bella? Are you kidding me?" She was furious. I knew she would be. Rose and Emmett already graduated from college and had just recently been married in the spring. They were trying to get pregnant, but I didn't think it was going to be possible for her. She had already had two miscarriages that I was aware of.
Rosalie grabbed the pregnancy test from Alice and scoffed. "Well, what are you going to do now?"
-:-
I didn't know how to answer Rose then, or Carlisle now. How could I? What did an eighteen-year-old know what to do with a baby? How could I possibly go on to college? Which friends would want to hang out with me now? And where did this leave Edward and me?
Charlie had been silent through the latter part of the conversation and suddenly he began to laugh out loud. We all looked at him in shock.
He shook his head and said, "I'm real disappointed in you, Bells, but…" the laughing continued and "…but you have to tell your mother!"
-July-
The days and months following that first conversation was the hardest time I ever had to endure. Charlie didn't speak to me for weeks and Edward was limited to phone calls only.
Charlie had been serious in me being the one to tell Renée, and I dreaded it more than anything else. I called her a few nights after the big conversation.
We chatted for a bit and then I just dropped it on her. She didn't understand me at first, but I made it loud and clear the third time I said it.
"Well, Bella, I am a little surprised at you." She seemed so calm. Where was my mother at?
"Why are you a "little" surprised? This isn't something you expected to happen to your teenage daughter, is it?"
"No! It's just that you two are so close and I thought things were getting pretty serious, but I always hoped you would be smart about it. So yes, a "little" surprised."
I was baffled. She didn't yell or scream. A few sniffles here and there, and one or two disappointment speeches, but it was mind-boggling. She even promised to come visit me because she didn't want me flying 'in my condition'.
I got off the phone with her when I couldn't take it anymore. I told Charlie what had happened. He grunted and more disappointment wrinkled his features. He had been counting on Renee to give me an extremely hard time about everything.
-Late July/Early August-
The end of the summer was fast approaching and I was finally getting over my morning sickness. Edward and I still weren't allowed to visit each other. Charlie told me there was more than one consequence involved because of our indiscretion, as he explained it.
It was torture. Like slow, Chinese water torture. I sat in my bedroom watching the world through my window. When Charlie would leave for work or fishing, I would venture out of my room and try to sneak a few extra phone conversations in with Edward.
I was worried about him. When we first found out I was pregnant, he seemed distant. He felt even more distant now. During one of our phone chats he confessed that he was scared. Scared of having a baby and worried about life in general. He didn't know how to take care of a family; he could hardly take care of himself.
So far we had discussed college for the first semester and a possible baby shower. Anything beyond that point was still in the Unknown.
Seattle Pacific University was three hours and forty minutes from Forks. Edward had insisted that we go there for at least the first semester. He wanted us to get a real college experience before the baby came in January. After that, we could continue taking classes at the Peninsula College in Port Angeles, so we could be closer to our families.
I didn't really like that idea. I wanted to just hide out under a rock, or in a cave. My feet were aching and my stomach was slowly, but surely turning a rounder shape. I didn't like going out in public, either. People stared and whispered, and I really hated being the subject of gossip. But I went along with it. I couldn't deny Edward.
-August…September-
As it got closer to the time when we would leave for college, Charlie allowed me to see Edward again… although he really didn't have a choice in the matter, with the two of us going to Seattle and all that.
I was thrilled to be able to see his face again and be in his arms. It had been almost two whole months! Edward appeared to be over his fears and was so excited to see that my belly was growing. He started talking to the baby, laying his head on my stomach, waiting for movement.
Alice and Jasper were there with us in Seattle. Alice was a freshman, but Jasper had been taking classes there since the spring. Alice and I shared a dorm room and Edward was staying down the hall from us.
Everything was pretty calm. I got over my public embarrassment and we all had a really great time. People could talk and they could stare, but it didn't matter, because we were in Seattle. I didn't know them from Eve! The classes were a pain in the backside, but I guess so was the tiny being growing inside of me, literally.
-October-
October rolled around and so Edward and I made our way to the doctor's office for our next appointment.
I was so excited, I was almost giddy, and Edward was bouncing off the walls. We couldn't wait to find out the sex of our baby.
Rose and Emmett were over the previous weekend and I made everyone take a guess at what we were having.
Everyone but Alice said it was going to be a boy. She concentrated on my belly and declared I was going to have a girl.
"And why are you so certain, Miss Know-it-All?" I said.
"Because of the way you're carrying her. It doesn't take a psychic to know that!"
It turned out Alice was right.
"It's a girl," the ultrasound tech rang out. I turned to see the baby better and I felt the tears well up in my eyes.
A girl. Edward agreed that I could name her, and I knew at once what it would be. Renesmee. A blend of the two most wonderful women in the world: Renée and Esme.
He looked down at me and his face shone with pride. It didn't matter that people thought we were too young and not yet married. We were going to bring a new life into this world. I was overjoyed.
-December 13th-
We were home in Forks for winter break. Charlie insisted I stay with him. Edward was looking for a place we could live together when the baby got here. I had yet to tell Charlie about that idea.
I decided to visit Edward that afternoon and was wobbling into the kitchen, when I found my mother sitting with Esme and Alice.
Alice quickly snatched papers off the counter and stuffed them in her back pocket.
"Hi, Mom! Whatcha guys doing?" No one spoke and the three women looked around the room trying not to meet my gaze. "Mom, I didn't think you were coming until Christmas! What, you didn't like the weather in Florida?" Silence filled the room.
That is, until Emmett came bounding in. He jumped up to sit on the kitchen countertop and said, "The cake's ready…I don't think anyone will be able to eat it though!" He gave my mom a mischievous grin and went over to the fridge.
"Emmett! Hush your big mouth!" Alice finally spoke up. Emmett pulled his head out of the fridge and yelped when he saw me standing in the entranceway.
It didn't matter. By then, my curiosity had reached its peak.
"Why are you here, Mom? And why are we having cake and not eating it, too?"
I heard a tinkling laugh coming from the living room and Esme motioned me to go on and check it out. There I found Rosalie standing in front of a mountain of bags, clothes, and baby items. And I mean a mountain.
"Surprise," four soprano voices chimed out followed by a deep tenor.
"Emmett! No boys allowed, you big goof!" Rose walked over to Emmett and smacked him on the back of the head.
"Out!" Esme said. "And take Jasper with you. Go find Edward and Carlisle."
"Can I go with you?" I whispered to Emmett. He just shrugged his shoulders and smiled smugly at me. Jasper appeared from the top of the stairs. His head dropped down and he solemnly followed Emmett out of the house. I didn't like this idea. Why were there so many presents and things?
"You didn't think I would miss my first grandchild's baby shower, now did you?" Renee asked. She walked over to me and I gave her a half armed hug, since my stomach was larger than a beach ball now! I had missed my mother so much.
"Okay! Where's that cake?" My stomached growled and I searched the room for food but all I could find was a punch bowl, a vegetable tray, and cheesecake.
Rose and Alice started laughing. Alice went and picked up a package off the floor, and I looked at her, slightly confused.
"Open it." Alice said with excitement. "Please."
I undid the ties on top and let the paper fall down around it. I giggled. Yes, Bella "Pregnant" Swan giggled…at a cake made from diapers! They were folded up and stacked on top of one another with pink bows and ribbons wrapped around each layer.
I continued to unwrap the presents before me. There were lots and lots of clothes from Alice; everything from baby onesies and cute little socks to polka-dot pajamas and booties. There were also quite a few frilly pink dresses with some very expensive name-brands on the tags. I highly doubted my baby would ever wear those things, but with Alice, it was probably unavoidable.
Rose pointed to her present. It was very large, but simply wrapped in silver, with a big bow on top. I poked the top and ripped away the sides.
A baby bassinet. Rosalie had given me the most beautiful bassinet in the world. It rocked back and forth and had a pale pink lining draped over it with silky sheets and a small pillow at the head. I looked over at Rose. Tears were staining her cheeks and I walked over to give her hug.
"I promise to give it back as soon as the baby out grows it." I said to Rosalie. I understood how precious the bassinet was to her. She had bought it for her own child, the child that had yet to be born.
"I…um…okay. And you better let me babysit the little angel!" I nodded my head and tried to hold back my own tears.
We all took a moment to admire the bassinet and then Esme handed me one last present.
"This one is from Renée."
I glanced over at my mother and then down at my gift. I tore it open and gasped.
"My blankie!" Renée had given me my baby blanket. It was a large, pink, hand-knit blanket that my grandmother made for me when I was born.
"Well, it was that or baby yoga classes at the 'Y'!" Renee exhaled and wiped at her eyes.
We were all crying our eyes out, and I had yet to discover what Esme had given me, but there didn't appear to be any more presents lying around. After we caught our breaths and dried our tears, Esme stood up and the rest of the women in the room followed suit.
"Okay, Bella, Carlisle and I have been working on this project since the fall and--," she paused and I waited. "And…well, grab your coat and follow me."
We walked out to the foyer and through the front door. I zipped up my extra large jacket and followed the girls down a sharp path through the forest. I was getting kind of scared as to what Esme had been working on out in the cold, dark woods.
"Is this where I go unsuspectingly into the woods, and then you guys take me out?" I whispered to Renée. She snickered at my comment, but kept walking.
We finally we came to a halt, and my belly bumped into Renée. I had to steady myself to keep from falling, but the sight before me almost knocked me down, anyway.
"Esme…?" I gaped at the scene laid out before me.
There, in the middle of the forest, down a little dirt path stood a lovely stone cottage. Esme pointed to where she wanted to plant flowers in the spring. Honeysuckle and roses would be running up the walls of the cottage by late summer. It had a large archway on the front and wooden shingles on the roof.
"What do you think?" Esme's question broke me from my trance and I began to weep.
"I can't…I mean this is for me?...Stupid…hormones," I sputtered. "I love it, of course."
Alice jumped for joy and began to spout off about how this way Edward and I could be close to home if we needed help with the baby. I nodded my head and tried to listen to her babbling, but I could only focus on the movement at the window. Edward.
"Go on inside sweetheart." Renée nudged my shoulder gently and my feet moved underneath me.
I approached the door and hesitated before pulling it open. It had been an emotional morning and I wasn't sure what to except next. I turned the knob and stepped inside.
I would love to recall what I saw when I entered the cottage, but I can't. I wasn't sure if the kitchen was to the left or the right, if the stairs led up to a bedroom, or if the sun was bouncing off blue or cream colored walls. All I could see was Edward.
Down on one knee, with a little black box in one hand, Edward was waiting for me.
There was no declaration of love and devotion, no promises or pledges, only five little words.
"Will you marry me, Bella?"
I ran up to him and threw my arms around his neck. "Yes," I whispered between the small kisses I showered him with.
"Yes… I will."
I looked into his bright green eyes with golden specks in them, and I could see his soul. We were young, but we were in love. Nothing could break us apart or tear us down. This baby growing inside me was just a reminder of how our love was forever growing. One look into Edward's eyes and I could see all of that.
He kissed me passionately, and I groaned involuntarily. The baby began to kick, and Edward broke away to place his hands on my stomach. It was a wonderful feeling to be standing there looking down at my fiancé, in our new home, waiting for our new baby.
I was hoping to spend the rest of my afternoon sorting through baby things and talking to Renée, but Alice had other ideas.
Once we were back at the Cullens' house, Alice had us all sit back down in the living room. Emmett had Jasper, Carlisle and Charlie came trailing in.
Emmett threw his hands up and said, "If he's here," he pointed to Edward, who hadn't left my side since he placed the diamond ring on my finger, "then I think the 'no gentlemen at the shower' crap can go out the window."
Emmett threw an imaginary ball up into the air and pretended to swing a bat at it towards the window. He whistled and Jasper agreed it was a pretty good hit.
We all laughed and Alice coughed to get everyone back under her control.
"So now, we are all going to play some games." She started handing out spoons and cups of, what appeared to be, baby food.
"Okay, so this is a partner game. Everyone pick a partner." We all scooted towards our significant others, which left Charlie and Renée to pair-up, although it didn't seem to bother them much.
"Now, the object of this game is for one person to feed the other person the baby food. Whoever finishes first, wins!"
Alice sat down beside Jasper and Esme and Carlisle stood up. They seemed to be judging for this particular game. Edward looked down at the cup in his hand and mouthed 'sweet pea.'
That sounded so gross. Mashed and squished sweet peas.
"On your mark, get set, go!" Carlisle yelled out.
I barely made it on the first spoonful, I caught Emmett stealing the spoon from Rosalie and he was shoveling an orange sticky substance down his throat. I choked and couldn't go on.
Emmett won that round.
The next game we played consisted of diapers and melted chocolate. It was disgusting. Emmett won, again. Next, we did Baby Hold 'Em and Pin the Diaper game. Emmett won those games, too. I began to wonder if he had crashed many baby showers in his lifetime.
The games finally calmed down and we began to pick up all the mess. Charlie was standing off to the side, shuffling his feet back and forth. I walked over to him.
"Hi, Dad."
"Hiya, Bells."
"Well, that was fun." Charlie nodded his head in agreement and took a deep breath.
"I wanted to tell you…I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. I was scared for you, Bells, but I can see now that you're not alone in this." He gestured to the people in the room before us. Esme and Renee were cleaning up the food, Carlisle and Rosalie were admiring the bassinet, and Jasper, Edward, and Emmett were throwing marshmallows at each other.
I smiled at him. "Thanks. I'm glad they're here. I'm glad you're here."
"And that boy, well, I had my doubts about him, but I think he loves you." Charlie's face turned hard as he looked over at Edward.
"I hope so. We're getting married, you know? And having a baby."
Charlie's face lightened up and his eyes went misty.
"Yeah, well, he's lucky I didn't shoot him when he asked to marry you. He was sweating bullets, Bell, all nervous. And I made sure to give him a hard time." He grinned at me and I shook my head at him.
"So what are you going to do now?" he asked.
-December 31st -
My water broke and the contractions started pumping early in the morning.
I slammed my hand against Edward's chest and he jerked awake.
"What? What? Was I snoring?"
"No. I think I'm in labor." I gasped as I felt the warm liquid seeping from my body. Another contraction hit and I leaned back on the bed. "Yup, it's for real, but it's too early!" I started to panic. I wasn't due for another month, the end of January.
Edward jumped up from the bed and flung on a pair of sweats and a white t-shirt. He raced around the room picking up my hospital bag and toiletries, all the while frantically telling me it was going to be okay.
He went for the stairs and picked up his phone. I watched as he descended and waited for him to come back up. The front door opened and then shut. The car started up and I could hear the tires crunching on the gravel.
I heard him return after another minute. Edward got out, slamming the car door, then came racing back into the house.
"EDWARD!" How could he forget about me? Where did he think he was going?
He came up the stairs with an apologetic smile on his face and scooped me up in his arms. We made it to the hospital in less than fifteen minutes. Carlisle was waiting for us.
I refused to ride in a wheelchair and so I carefully walked to the elevator and towards the delivery room. Another contraction ripped through me, harder than before, as I made it to the bed.
"Bella, I'm going to need you to lie down and relax so that I can see how dilated you are." I nodded my head at Carlisle and followed his request as best I could.
"Eight centimeters. This is going to go swiftly." Carlisle looked at me and I felt anxious. "Have you talked about whose going to be in the room when you deliver?"
At that moment, Renee, Esme, Rose, Alice, Emmett, Jasper, and Charlie ran into the room. They all looked terrified. Charlie was turning green.
"Well, if…Edward, Renée…Esme, and Rose could…I'd love that." I clenched my hands together and felt my stomach tighten.
The guys ran back out of the room, thankful not to have to endure anymore. Alice skipped out after them, no disappointment in her features. Esme and Renée walked over to my side, asking what they could do to help.
Rose stood still in the doorway, more tears in her eyes. The pain was evident on her face, wanting to help and wanting to be the one being helped.
"Please, Rose," I called to her. She straightened her back and walked over to me.
"Cullen! Get your sorry butt over here and give Bella some ice chips," she chided Edward, as she grabbed a cloth to wipe my damp forehead with.
I practiced my breathing and watched Edward at the window. He was talking to his reflection, giving himself some kind of pep talk or something.
"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen! You are not about to have this baby! You are not about to have yourself stretched to the size of a beach ball! You need to get over here right now and give me some damn ice chips!" I growled at him. First he leaves me and then he wants to go all wimpy on me.
He convinced himself I was right and stepped up to my side, feeding me ice when I asked for it. The pain was unbearable at this point. Carlisle told me I was too far along for any drugs or pain medicine.
"You, mean I have to do this by myself?"
"No, dear we'll all right here with you. Edward on one side, and Rose on the other." Esme tried to encourage me and Renee nodded in agreement.
"It's time." The nurses came in and Carlisle went into full-fledged doctor mode.
I pushed and I screamed. I pushed and I heard another scream, but it wasn't my own. It was coming from outside the room.
"Go, baby, go! Come on, Charlie! That was crazy. Did you see that fumble?"
Emmett.
Emmett was watching ESPN while I was in here having a baby!
It seemed to go on forever, but finally, I screamed once more, squeezed Rose and Edward's hands, and gave one final push.
"There it is. There it is." Carlisle murmured as my baby gave its first cry. "There she is."
"Renesmee," I breathed.
I thought about how newborn babies looked in pictures and in the movies. My baby looked nothing like those pretty little pink babies. She was…well, tiny and ugly. Her head was pointed and she had white goo all over her body. Edward cut the cord and then went to sit down in a nearby chair. He looked like he was about to faint.
Everything was cleaned up and a nurse handed Renesmee to me. She was so tiny. I looked down at her and my heart swelled with love. She was beautiful. All that goo just hadn't done her justice.
"Can we bring the guys and Alice in?"
"Yeah, but make it quick." Carlisle winked at me and gave me a kiss on top of my head. "You did great. I'm so proud of you."
Alice bounced in and flitted over to my side, passing Carlisle as he left to wash up and change out of his scrubs. Jasper and Emmett slowly stumbled in after her. Charlie waited outside and Renee went to talk to him.
"She's gorgeous, Bella." Alice was so excited. "Look! She has your eyes and Edward's hair."
Edward quickly recovered and came over to the bedside. He stroked Renesmee's hair and whispered in my ear, "I love you."
"I love you, too."
We passed the baby around. Rose cuddling Renesmee close to her chest and Emmett's large hands making her seem so fragile. Jasper didn't want to hold her, but Alice was already taking out a bag of clothes for her to wear.
I watched Edward when he finally got to hold her. He cradled her and spoke softly in her ear. It was touching. His hair flopped down into his eyes and he blew it away, not wanting to take his eyes off of Renesmee.
Renée walked back into the room and I asked her what happened to Charlie.
"Oh, he's fine. He's just all teary eyed with his baby having a baby. Give him a minute, he'll be okay. She patted my arm and gave me a loving smile.
"Okay, people. I need to clear this room and give Mommy and Baby some time to rest." The nurse said. She was mortified to see that Emmett and Jasper had made it over to the Ultrasound machine and were checking out the contents of their stomachs. She promptly shut-down the equipment and pushed them out of the room, both still covered in goop.
The nurse took Renesmee from Edward's arms and said she would be back in a few minutes. They just needed to do a check-up and run a few test.
"That hurt like Hell." I let out a long sigh and fell back onto the bed. Edward chuckled and walked over to me. He gave me a small kiss on the forehead, and then my cheek, and then my other cheek. When he got to my lips I held on to his face with both hands.
"I love you." He ended our kiss way too quickly and stepped back from the bed. I moved towards him, my eyes still closed.
"Bella, you need to rest." I obliged him and waited until Renesmee was brought back into the room.
"Okay, so everything looks good. You need to make an appointment with one of the pediatricians so she can be seen again in a few days. We need to make sure everything's still going okay once you get her home." Her statement troubled me somewhat. Renesmee was one month early. Wasn't there bound to be some kind of complications? I looked at the nurse full of fear.
"Don't worry. Even though she's early, there's nothing that we red-flagged, or foresee being a problem. Now, have you thought about breastfeeding?"
-:-
Despite the nurse's reassurance, they kept us for a few more days in the hospital. Carlisle didn't want her going home too early. He was afraid, like I was. Her lungs were fully developed and she seemed to be doing well on her own, but Carlisle wanted to make sure nothing showed up later.
I tried the breastfeeding and it was tiring. Renesmee would try to eat, but it seemed as if she would get tired and give up after a while, crying and swatting my breast with her tiny hands in frustration. The nurses suggested a bottle, but Esme and Renée said to just keep trying. I placed Renesmee at my chest and kept going.
-January 3rd-
We were scheduled to go home on the third day. Before we could leave the hospital, though, Alice brought out a plush, pink jumper for Renesmee to wear home. Once we arrived at our cottage, Alice changed her into yet another outfit, which was also frilly, pink, and expensive. I was so glad to have access to my own bed and something other than hospital food that I didn't really mind Alice treating my daughter like a doll. Edward had set the bassinet up in our bedroom and we had everything we could possibly need.
Renée, Rose, and Esme "ooh'd" and "aah'd." Our tiny cottage was soon overcrowded with everyone piling in. Emmett was watching EPSN on the flat screen. I glared at him.
"Hey, Bella, I never did hear what her name was." Jasper spoke up and all eyes were on me.
"Renesmee Carlie Cullen." Edward beamed at me.
"Where did that come from?" Alice looked down at the small baby in her arms.
"Well, I combined Renée with Esme and Charlie with Carlisle, the four greatest grandparents the world will ever see."
Esme and Renée cried and even Charlie had a little moisture in his eyes. Carlisle went over to Esme and gave her a hug. Renée joined them.
"Group hug!" Emmett shot out of his seat and grasped Charlie around the waist and pulled him over to the others. We all chuckled, but we quieted down when Renesmee let out a wail.
It was late into the night when everyone had finally left our house. Edward carried Renesmee up the stairs and I lagged behind him. He laid her in her cradle and we just sat there on the bed staring down at the petite creature before us.
"She looks funny…almost like a carrot." Edward chuckled at his own comment and I picked the baby up in my arms.
"She's so small. I feel like she could break, like a porcelain doll." She started to cry and I sat back on the bed and grabbed a pillow.
"She must be hungry." Edward went back down the stairs to give us some privacy. She continued to cry and I tried to get her to feed. Nothing would work. I switched sides and sang songs. I was starting to panic.
Edward came back into the room and I gave him a frightful look.
"She won't eat anything. I don't know what's wrong with her!" I started to cry along with her and Edward reached out for her. I gave her to him and sat back defeated. We finally caved by the fifth hour with a bottle
It was going to be a long night.
-January 5-
Somehow we survived the next two nights without pulling all of our hair out. Renesmee continued to struggle with the breastfeeding, but her crying finally quieted down. She slept most of the time.
It came time to take Renesmee to the doctor for her checkup. I was feeling very anxious, eager to see why she wasn't eating much and if it was normal for her to sleep so often. She seemed lethargic, exhausted from her fights and screams.
Edward took her to the car, bundled up from head to toe, in her car seat. The weatherman was calling for snow at the end of the week, and it was dark and dreary outside, so Alice had bought her matching mittens, a hat, and a snow jacket.
Edward secured Renesmee and I crawled into the back with her, trying to see if she would drink some milk from her bottle.
We arrived at the Pediatric office and went right in to see the doctor. He was a stout, old man, clearly close to retirement with his gray hair and bifocals.
"Good morning! Lay the lad down on the table and let's have a look, shall we?" The doctor washed his hands and pulled out his stethoscope.
"She's wearing pink!" I whispered to Edward. He smiled at me and got her ready.
The doctor checked her ears and throat. He listened to her heartbeat. Renesmee was weighed and measured.
"I think we should run some tests to check her bilirubin levels. Her skin has a yellow hue to it." The doctor looked at her legs and arms. He did the tests and then we were free to go home.
"Renesmee hasn't been eating that well and she seemed pretty tired this morning." I mentioned to the doctor.
"Yes. You are breastfeeding, correct?" I nodded. "Her lungs are exceptionally well formed for a premature baby, but I'll call you when we get the results in from that test." I gave him a worried look. "She should be fine. It's quite common in newborns. Don't fret."
Once we were home, I changed Renesmee into a polka-dot dress and laid her down on the bed. I stood back to admire my child. My child. She had a head full of bronze curls, just like Edward. Her eyes were closed but I knew they mirrored mine. Her cheeks were rosy and she smiled in her sleep. I smiled with her.
I picked her up and went over to the rocking chair. I began to hum a lullaby and rocked her back and forth.
"Your mommy loves you very much. And Daddy does, too. So do Aunt Rosie, Aunt Alice, Uncle Jazz, and Uncle Emmett…and not to mention your grandparents. You are going to be one spoiled baby." Renesmee continued to smile in her sleep and I began to sing, "Hush little baby don't you cry."
The phone rang and I heard Edward say hello. Footsteps were coming up the stairs as I placed Renesmee back on the bed. Edward rushed towards the bed and hung up the phone.
The only word he uttered was: "Jaundice."
Edward reached down for Renesmee and gently picked her up. She was fast asleep. Edward pulled back her eyelid, and inspected what should have been the white of her eye...instead it was yellow. He removed her dress and undid the buttons on her onesie. He checked out her arms and torso. Her skin had a yellow-orange tint to it.
My heart stopped and plummeted to the bottom of my stomach.
"How can that be? She was fine! It can't be that serious, can it?" I was hysterical. Edward wasn't answering me and I couldn't see his face where he hovered over Renesmee.
Finally he spoke, his voice thick with emotion, "The doctor said we need to get to the hospital as soon as possible."
The drive to the hospital was deathly silent. I glanced over at Renesmee, again and again, checking on her breathing and the color of her skin. Edward clutched the steering wheel, his knuckles going white. He called Carlisle on the way and told me not to call Alice or Rose until we knew what was going on. I tried to keep breathing evenly, following Renesmee's shallow breaths. Edward flew around the curves and wove in and out of traffic.
I was all too familiar with the Forks Community Hospital. We went straight by the nurses desk and over to where Carlisle was waiting for us. He had an infant size bed sitting beside him.
"I filled all the paperwork out and now we're going up to the third floor and get her under some lights." He informed us as we stretched Renesmee out in the bed and we went to the upper floor.
I had never been here before. The Emergency Room and the maternity wing, that was as far as I had ever been. The third floor was dimly lit, and quiet. I jogged to catch up with Carlisle and asked him why we wouldn't be in the Neonatal nursery.
"No room in the inn."
We reached the end of the hall and there was a large white crib made of steel, waiting for us. A bed had been pushed aside. Bright lights filled the room.
"Okay. Bella, Edward, this is Dr. Hope Snow. She'll be helping us." Edward nodded his head at the new doctor, but I couldn't tear my eyes off of my baby. They stripped her of her clothes, leaving her only in her diaper. They covered her eyes with a sort of mask and ask that Edward and I step out of the room.
"No, wait! What are they doing? I'm not leaving her!" I cried, but Edward grabbed hold of my arms and pulled me out into the hallway.
"Bella, it's okay. They have to put an IV in. It's okay. They just didn't want you to see it." I jerked away from him and went for the door. A shrill cry rang out and I froze.
Carlisle stepped out and closed the door behind him. "It's okay, Bella, the baby's fine."
I couldn't make out the rest of his words, the cry was too loud. He said something about the nurses having trouble putting the IV into Renesmee's arm, but nothing really registered with me.
Dr. Snow came out and approached the three of us.
"Her bilirubin levels are extremely high. We're going to put her under the ultraviolet lights for a few minutes and see if her body can get rid of the toxin. Seattle Children's Hospital is standing by if we need to transport."
Edward slipped his arms around me and I felt the tears slide down my cheeks. I was sobbing uncontrollably now. It was all too scary, too much to comprehend.
Dr. Snow and Carlisle went back inside the room. The temperature in the hallway seemed to drop.
"Why don't we go walk around, while we wait?" Edward led me down the corridor of the third floor.
We walked around, looking into the open rooms, some were empty and some were not. I hadn't the faintest clue what the floor was used for, but it looked like the last resting place. Pale, sickly beings peeked up at us from their beds. Pain was etched across every face. The smell was unbearable. I realized this was a place for the dying and the dead.
"I don't like this place." Edward whispered. We turned around and went back to our baby. This was no place for her. This was a place for ghosts, not angels.
Carlisle rushed up to us and grabbed Edward's arm for support. "It's not working. The light treatment isn't going to help. She needs a transfusion. We're going to have to send her to Seattle Children's Hospital."
His eyes were red and I dropped down to the ground. Dr. Snow came out and told Edward the possible danger Renesmee could face without proper treatment. The phototherapy wasn't working and the only option was an emergency blood transfusion. She was worried about Renesmee developing something called, kernicterus, a form of brain damage caused by severe jaundice. It could lead to hearing loss, vision problems and, in some cases, cerebral palsy and mental retardation.
Edward sat down beside me and put his head between his knees. Carlisle conversed with Dr. Snow. I sat there, thinking.
"Seattle is over three hours away!" I stood up. "How soon does she need the transfusion?"
"Now. Every second we waste…" Dr. Snow trailed off.
"Bella, listen to me. The chopper will be here in a few minutes. Forks doesn't have the equipment to do anything more," Carlisle said.
A loud beeping noise sounded off in the next room. A nurse ran out and Dr. Snow ran in.
"Renesmee." Carlisle flew into the room, after Dr. Snow.
Edward was at my side, holding onto me. At first, it sounded like a watch surrounded by cotton, but then the sound grew louder and louder. It was beating frantically, faster and faster.
And then, abruptly, it ceased.
"No. No. No. No," I chanted, swaying to the side. Edward sobbed into my shoulder and I heard footsteps rushing down the hall.
"NO!" I screamed.
I pushed Edward away and ran as fast as my legs would carry me to her prison. The bars on the metal crib were pushed down, the lights dimmed, and Renesmee was lying in the middle of the bed. Her face was still covered and tubes intertwined.
I picked her up and Carlisle removed the bindings. She was limp in my arms. I looked up through blurry eyes. Edward was standing in the doorway, crushed and broken.
"Why?" It was all I could manage. I gave her one final kiss, and used the last of my strength to hand Carlisle my baby.
Edward moved to the side and I saw Alice, Rose, and Esme. Alice had sensed something was wrong and had dragged the Cullen family to the hospital in the middle of the night.
But they were too late. Renesmee was gone.
Bella closed the journal and placed it back on its dusty shelf. She didn't need to read any further. She knew there was no happy ending for them.
There was nothing that could have been done to save her. Renesmee's liver never fully developed. The jaundice was too much for her to bear. Her heart gave out on her, bursting those last few minutes of her life.
Bella ached for her child. Renesmee would never learn to sit up, crawl, walk and talk. She would never be in the terrible twos or troublesome threes. Kindergarten would never come. No adolescence or teen rebellions. Bella couldn't kiss a scrape or a cut; she would never have to mend a broken heart. Renesmee would never marry, nor have children of her own.
The gray light streamed in through the window. It caught her wedding ring, and Bella looked down and over at the man curled up on the bed.
Edward looked like he had aged a thousand years since Renesmee's death. His forehead was permanently etched with worry lines. His back hunched over from the stress of the past years. Images bathed in yellow and sounds of screams filled his nightmares, as well.
They were both afraid. Terrified to forget the one they had brought into this world, and not wanting to forgive the world for stealing her away so quickly.
Renesmee Carlie Cullen with soft, round cheeks and big, bright eyes came to them in their dreams. Alive and well, in the silence of the night, Bella could imagine her daughter. As the day began to break Renesmee would turn back into an echo that was lost in gold. And Bella would yearn for the child that was lost long ago.
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A/N: This story is dedicated to my daughter, Anna Maria. You are my reason for everything.
To 'Kill a Cullen' Contest: thanks for giving me an excuse to write this story!
And a huge thankful to my wonderful new betas, Cora and Kelly, without you this story would have never made it. You guys rock! 3