"Now I know there's a time and there's a place where I can choose between to walk the fine line between self-control and self-abuse" As I read this phrase, the more I realized how much it says about me in so little words...
Another day ends. Like always, here I am, on the top of the roof, thinking. My only company it's the cigarrette I carefully hold beween my fingers, my loyal friend. I finally had made it! A month without the power of nicotine in my blood, but nothing like 16 hours of Hell inside a hospital to let it slip... Surely, Medicine is not the best profession to choose when you have a life with so many problems like mine. I have so many insecurities, they fight for prominence...*
The cigarrette ends. I throw it in a puddle next to me and realize that puddle is like my life. I turn again to stare at the busy sky of the city and shake my head. "You gotta need stop saying so much crap" I say to myself.
"Talking with yourself?"
My thoughts get lost as soon as I hear this voice. I turn and there he is, standing by me with a childish smile in his face and a cup of coffee on his hand.
"I though you'd need this..." he says with the sweetest voice I ever heard.
"You know me way too well..." that's the only thing I can say before I take a sip of that precious liquid. "God, I needed that!" He smiles at me. And we just stand there for a while, like we always do...
"How was your day?" he asks, trying to do small talk.
"The same old thing. In a minute you think life can't get more boring, and then, next thing you know, you are explaining to a little girl her daddy has gone..." At this point, my eyes start to get teary, but I don't cry. I would never do it in front of somebody. "...She starts to cry" I continue "and the only thing you can do is console her and say you are sorry you couldn't save him." A tear runs down my cheek, but I snap it away as quick as I can. "You start to feel so inmpotent, you know?"
He just stares at me. I keep imaging if he saw that little tear, if he saw the weakest side of me.
"I know how does it feel. We all do. It's part of the job" he sudenly responds.
"I know, it's just that..." I start
"It gets hard to not feel attached to people after a while" he finishes my sentence as if there were a conection between us.
"Exactly!" that's the last word pronounced before the silence predominates that cold and dark night again.
I try to find a way to distract my mind, telling myself that I won't turn to see that beautiful face. That makes me suffer even more, but I have to accept it. I put my hands on my pocket and take off one more cigarrette.
"I thought you'd quit"
"What?" I say coming back to reality.
"The cigarrette..."
"Oh! That...yeah, I think I was sucked back to it. Aparently..."
"This is still going to kill you someday..."
"We all die, someday, eventually... you are a doctor, you should know that"
"Yeah, but it doesn't have to be this way..."
"Like you'd care!"
There! I once again, gave the ultimatum that separates us. He turns, shoves his head back, takes a deep breath and I see him go. But that only happens in my mind. When I come back to reality, there he is, and agaisn't my thoughts, he is still there, standing in the same place, with that calm face he always has.
"You know I care a lot about you" he says.
"I do, I'm sorry. It's just that there is so much things going on in my life right now. You are a great friend and..."
"Ready to go?"
My words are interupted by the voice of the woman stand by the door frame. The woman I envy.
He smiles "Sure, Honey! Just wait a sec...". Again, he turns in my direction, hugs me and simply says:
"We'll end this later, right?"
I nod. He blinks to me and goes, with his arms around her waist.
And once again, I watch him leave. Now that I'm all alone, I let the tears come off freely. In my mind, survives the same phrase I repeat incessantly since I lost him: "if you love someone, set them free..."
*Stole something Maura said! : )