Author's note: Oh hey there. I'm a loser? Yeah, I know. I'm sorry that I haven't updated anything in like forever and a half. To be honest with you, my muse for them has been shot down. So yes, Still Here, One Single Regret, and everything else = on hiatus. I'm working on OSR. I promise. I just don't know how long it's going to take me to get it all done. But in the meantime, here's a new fic for you? Yeah, I suck. But I follow my muse to make it happy. (:
Disclaimer: I still do not own anything. Really. It's all JK's.
You can't escape fate. What happens is inevitable. No matter how hard you try to turn your life around, there's no changing what's meant to be. You can wish all you want that you made a different choice, that you went right instead of left, that you never let that boy who broke your heart into your life. No matter the choices you make, there's no escaping what's to come in the end. Our lives are on a turntable, constantly spinning in the direction it's supposed to go, ready to skip, pause, and stop whenever it wants to.
Or at least, that's the way Remus Lupin saw things.
His life had been one consistent disaster after another. From the youngest of ages, he had been cursed with bad luck. After all, he was transformed into a werewolf at the youngest of ages in history; or at least of his time and of who survived the attack. He had little to no recollection of the night it happened; only the nightmares his mind had concocted throughout the years remained. He wasn't entirely sure they were accurate, either. The only thing he knew was that he should be dead, but unfortunately he survived to suffer through his life and complicate everyone else's.
Of course, his friends and his parents claimed that wasn't true. His parents showered him with all they could give him, which, these days, wasn't a whole lot. They gave him all the praise a child could wish for from his parents. They loved him unconditionally. But they didn't deserve such a burden of a son, and that's all Remus was to them, in the boy's eyes. He saw the tiredness in his mother's eyes, the guilt in his father's smile. They were tired, they were poor, and they were aging quickly with every day. They didn't deserve this. His mother shouldn't have so many gray hairs at the young age of forty-one. His father shouldn't be tiring so easily after a normal shift at work.
And his friends, Remus couldn't tell you how much pain and suffering he put them through. He didn't deserve to be at school. He should have never been accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (because yes, not only was Remus Lupin a werewolf, but he was also a wizard). He didn't belong there; he was just a danger to everyone around him, especially his friends. James, Sirius and Peter. The three of them went through so much for him. So much that they never should have had to. From the moment, in their second year, that the three boys discovered Remus' secret, they did all that they could to find a way to help him out. And by their third year, they figured out what they were going to do, and by their fifth they had successfully become fully-fledged animagi. Illegally, of course, because if they settled it in a legal matter, it would mean Remus' secret would be spread out all over the school and the wizarding world in an instant. And his inevitable withdrawal from school in that case was something the other three boys just would not have.
So they suffered with him. They went through their own transformations once a month with the full moon to run with the wolf. And Remus had injured them on so many occasions he could not bear to come up with a number. He hated that he put his friends through that. They were innocent bystanders. They did not deserve it.
All Remus Lupin brought with him was pain and trouble. And no matter what he did to try and change that – all the research on curing the werewolf syndrome, all the fights with his parents and friends to allow him to just quit school, everything – nothing was going to change that his life was spinning in the direction of despair. And that's just the way it was.
It had taken him years to come to terms with this. In fact, it had taken him up until just before he was seventeen to figure it out. And then his grandmother had died. A heart attack. And, as usual, Remus could not help but to blame himself. After all, he had refused to go visit her just the week before because he was so depressed after the full moon. His mother had warned him that it might be the last time he saw her, for she was getting old, but he had refused.
And now, with a heavy and guilty heart, Remus Lupin, in all his wizarding and wolf-like ways, was returning to school, heart heavy and eyes weary, for his final year at the place that he had brought so much stress to. Unlike the start of every other term, he had not bothered to request to stay home, to withdraw from school. It wasn't worth it. He just packed up his belongings the night before, slung his bag onto his shoulder while dragging his trunk behind him, and headed off through Platform 9 ¾ on September first, allowing fate to take a hold of his life as it always had.
the ticking of the clock …
Once a coward, always a coward. That's the way Peter Pettigrew lived his life. He had come to terms with being that way long ago, back before he even started school, whenever he would cringe away from his father's drunken hand and cower into his mother's bruised and battered arms. It had been years since his father had finally left him and his mother, but the memories remained enough to keep him the way he was to this day. It was pitiful, pathetic even, that a seventeen year old boy would still wake up whimpering in his sleep because of nightmares that happened well over a decade ago now.
But Peter knew that he had been getting better. Although he came into school to be greeted with harsh and demeaning words and painful shoves, the small and rather pudgy boy knew he had found good people to help him. James, Sirius and Remus were just that, good people. In their hearts, although it may not always look it on the outside (especially with Sirius and James), the three were the type of people who would stick their neck out for anyone, especially their friends. They teased him like the others in the school and in his hometown neighborhood; but with them, it was never meant offensively. No, the three friends made Peter feel welcome, like one of the gang. And to them, he was forever grateful.
Of course, it was obvious that Peter did not belong to the group. The other three always radiated confidence. Remus was one of the brightest in their year, next to Lily Evans of course. He was made prefect their fifth year and he was a highly respectable student throughout the staff and most of the student population. James was the big Quidditch star, captain and chaser. All the girls admired him, although he had his sights set on a certain Lily Evans ever since any of them can remember. He was, despite his pranks and bad behavior, appointed Head Boy, much to the surprise of all. And Sirius, well Sirius was a case all in his own. He was a very serious young boy, living up to his name, when he came in first year. Since then, he fell alongside James with the pranks and the cocky and arrogant attitudes. He was very much a sought-after boy within the female population, with his gray eyes and shining black hair.
And then there was Peter. He was unconfident, awkward, and just plain weird at times. He was very socially awkward, not knowing how to strike up the simplest of conversations, having never interacted with a girl more than just grunts and squeaks, and had to resort to long and extensive hours of studying and tutoring to even begin to do well in any of his classes. He didn't belong in his group of friends, which made him all the more grateful to them for accepting him and making him feel as if he belonged. He never imagined that he would make such good friends, let alone with the most popular group of boys, when he first started off at Hogwarts. He imagined himself growing old alone and even had begged his mother to home school him instead. Of course, he knew that was impossible. His mother already was forced to work two jobs to keep them on their feet at the time. Now, after she was promoted at one workplace and had finally begun receiving child support from her ex-husband, they were doing much better. Peter had even been able to get a new set of robes every time he needed them.
Like for this upcoming year, for instant. Peter's mum had insisted that he get new robes for his final year. She said it was an important turning point in his life and he deserved to go into it looking as good as new. He didn't need them even. He had just gotten new ones two years before and he hadn't grown at all since then, and they were still in near perfect condition. But his mother had insisted and so now he had them backed up in his bag as the two of them headed towards the train station. They were running a little late, but neither was worried that they would miss the train. In fact, neither was worried that anything bad would happen this year, this final year.
the ticking of the clock ….
As far as James Potter was concerned, family, friends, and having fun are the most important things in life. His family was something he had always held dear to his heart. Ever since he was a young child, if someone badmouthed his family, he would stand up against them, often getting into physical fights over it. James was always a very rash young boy. He acted without thinking more often than not. Of course, his parents didn't think too lightly of this behavior and the bespectacled boy was often getting an earful from them. But James loved his parents and they loved him. That was important enough.
He was the same way with his friends. He would do anything for them. And, to this day, he had been doing a pretty darn good job at that. Throughout the last six years, James had been sentenced to many detentions at the cost of standing up for his three best friends. He cared too much for them to allow the bullying of Peter to continue, the snide comments about Remus' attire to proceed, and the derogatory words about Sirius' bloodline and betrayal to interfere with the boy's mind. So there were dozens of Slytherins cursed, several stuck up Ravenclaws who were messed with, and even some fellow Gryffindors who had caught the wrong side of the pureblood.
Of course, even without standing up for his friends, James would receive many detentions just for his pranks. He was a very mischievous boy. He was very bright, but, as his teachers put it, he used that intelligence for the wrong ways. Dying people's hair pink, cursing bat bogie hexes, and suspending people in the air from their feet were apparently not the right ways to use one's intelligence. However, James was very much so fond of his way of life. Although his mother scolded him consistently, and his father acted like he was disappointed in his behavior (even though James could tell he found it humorous), the now-seventeen year old was very much content with how he ran things and who he had become throughout the years.
He was very much respected at school. His peers were very fond of him. The girls sought after him. The boys were jealous of his confidence. Even the teachers liked him, despite his troublemaking ways. James Potter could easily be considered the most popular boy in the school. He was captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team for the third year in a row. He was their star chaser. He just couldn't be beat. He had the best of friends who were always there for him, who rarely fought (save for a few occasions). He had the best of parents, both of whom he was very close to. He was one of the brightest in his years, without even trying. He was naturally smart; school came easy to him, just like sport and socialization. He had just been made Head Boy, much to the surprise of everyone. It had always been Remus that people expected to make this position. Never had anyone predicted that misbehaving, detention record breaker, rule breaking James Potter would be made Head Boy.
At first, it had come to him as a severe shock, just as it had to his parents and to Sirius, who was staying with them. None of them could understand how it happened that way, and were certain that Dumbledore had finally fallen off his rocker, as Sirius put it. And then it had come to him as a disappointment. It meant no more of his unruly manners, no more breaking rules, and no more pulling pranks on Snivellus. And then he was fearful that Remus, who so deserved the position, would be angry with him. Instead, the werewolf, when James wrote to him his announcement over the summer, was proud of him. He said he was relieved that he didn't have to bear that burden. Although, James knew for certain that he wouldn't be bringing it up for the first few weeks or so. Just in case Remus really was disappointed that he hadn't received the position. And then, after all those emotions passed, James felt joy.
Finally, maybe he could prove to Lily Evans that he wasn't just an arrogant prick. For years James had been trying to show her that he was a good person. However, it never really came out that way, at least not to her. No, James always was shown in a negative light whenever it came to a certain redheaded girl. He choked up around her. It's how it always was. She was the one girl who could bring out all the fears and insecurities in James Potter and he both hated her and loved her for it.
But this was going to be his year. He was going to prove to her, and to everyone else, that he could be the best Head Boy yet.
the ticking of the clock ...
But for some people, this final year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was not going to bring closure, happiness, or relief. It was not going to be the best year yet. It was not going to be a year of hope and wonder. And it was not going to be a year of giving in to fate. No, for some people, this year was going to be a year of huge change, of fear and of darkness. It was not going to be a good year. It was going to be a year of destruction, of death, of finality. To Sirius Black, it was going to be a very bad year indeed.
Of course, he couldn't let his friends see that he thought this way. As he stayed with the Potters over the summer, he knew that James had high hopes for this year. And from the letters sent from Peter from his grandmother's home in Romania, he also was very much excited for their last year at Hogwarts. Remus, Sirius could tell by reading in between the lines of his own letters from his shabby home, was not all too pleased to be returning to Hogwarts, but that was to be expected. Sirius could always tell that Remus hated going to school; if only because he thought he just brought disaster to it. But Sirius could not share with Remus his thoughts on this final year at school, in fear that it would only make the other boy wish to leave all the more.
No, Sirius had to keep his troubles to himself. He felt some dark evil coming to Hogwarts. Of course, with the rise of the new Dark Lord, this was only expected. To those with protected lives, inside their sheltered families, like the Potters, Pettigrews and Lupins, Dumbledore would protect their children at school as the ministry protected the families in the wizarding world. But there were more deaths by the week. Attacks on muggles, muggleborns, and blood traitor families were increasing in numbers all the time. James, Remus and Peter may not see it, but Sirius read the Daily Prophet. And although it tried to cover up the true disasters of the incidents, Sirius could tell that it was all bad. There was no hiding it.
He had grown up hearing all the negative talk about families like James', all the dark plans about what his family members would do to people like Lily Evans, a muggleborn, all the discrimination against people like Remus, a half-blood. And as much as Sirius had tried to block it out, to ignore it, he couldn't help it. His parents would not hear any of it whenever he tried to talk back to them, to make them see the light. They simply punished him every time he talked out of turn or shouted at him whenever he tried to tell them otherwise about his friends. It had been so bad that he had had to leave. After his fifth year of Hogwarts was over, he had run away, gone to James' house, where he'd been staying ever since. He continuously claimed he was going to get his own place, and he was determined to get one still, if not by Christmas definitely by the time the year was over. Mr. and Mrs. Potter claimed that they didn't mind him being there, in fact that they would prefer him to stay over James, their own son. Sirius was, after all, a lot more well-mannered than his bespectacled companion.
He owed his parents for that.
He needed to be well-behaved to grow up in the Black household. Of course, he fought with them all the time, but he knew his manners. He ate with his napkin on his lap, he always used utensils, he made his bed in the morning, said his yes ma'am's and no sir's. Naturally, he misbehaved at school the same ways that James did, with the pranks and the fights with other students whenever someone became derogatory towards his friends. Like James, Sirius was a very rash person. He also acted without thinking on many accounts. He couldn't help it. He lost his temper easily. He had a very short fuse when it came to people not knowing what they're talking about, being stupid and rude, and being just plain annoying. He got in fights, maybe even more than James himself, and he was also often in detention.
But things were going to change this year. Sirius and James couldn't afford to be so rash and immature. They couldn't continue misbehaving or with their pranks, at least not so often. The year was going to be dark and troublesome enough without them causing so many problems for themselves and others. Not to mention James' new Head Boy position.
But Sirius could not voice his thoughts on this year. He did not like to be the one who brought negativity to his friends' minds. So he just allowed James to wrap his arm around his shoulders and steer him in the direction of the Hogwarts Express with a big smile on his face.