Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, the Simpsons, or James Bond. Those are pretty much the only copyrighted things in this entire fic. Oh, and there's gonna be cursing and a few references to gayness/lesbianism. BTW, for you new guys this fic was up before, but the, uh, great and benevolent FF.net took it down because I, a foolish mortal, had something near the end that broke a rule. u.u FORGIVE ME AND BE MERCIFUL, OH MIGHT AND POWERFUL ADMINS!!! *mumbling* And when I get ahold of the guy/gal who reported me... Well, my point is that I'm on the three-strikes-you're-out (I think it's three...) threat, so be gentle!
I didn't get
anything after the firetruck exploded!
By FekketC
Firetruck: *sitting on the curb* Lalalala...
Hiei: *walks by, stops* How are you singing, you don't even have a mouth!
Firetruck: GAH, A FIRE DEMON! I HAVE TO PUT YOU OUT! *douses Hiei with hoses*
Hiei: *dripping wet* Grr, CURSE YOU!!!
Firetruck: *explodes*
Hiei: *blink* It worked!
Scream from inside the burning wreckage: *screams from inside the burning wreckage*
Hiei: Crap, if I kill another human then it'll be triple counts! *dashes through hole in the burning side of the truck and then jumps out carrying someone covered in ash* Are you okay- HOLY CRAP! *drops her*
Yukina: *gets up, dusts herself off* Why'd you drop me?
Hiei: Uh, you smell! And you're a girl! *runs away*
Yukina: *longing sigh*
Ned Flanders and Kurama: *appear*
Ned Flanders: Well howdely doodely, little girl! What's making you look so sad?
Yukina: See that demon running away? He's-
Ned Flanders: AH, THE DEMONS OF SATAN HAVE COME!!! *runs away*
Yukina: *blink* The what of what have what?
Kurama: That's my new friend Ned Flanders. I don't know why he's my friend; he lives far away, is much older, and I really don't like him. In fact, I don't think that anyone does. What were you sad about?
Yukina: Hiei just ran away after blowing up the firetruck I was sitting in, and I didn't get to tell him something!
Kurama: What is it?
Yukina: I'm in love with him!
Kurama: *gets hit by a bus* YOU WHAT?!
Bus: *backs up, goes forward and hits him again*
Yukina: I'm in love with him! He's so cool, and fast, and handsome, and he can protect me... I like him for a lot of things!
Ned: *runs past wearing white robe and carrying bucket of holy water* The lascivious and incestuous shall be burned in Hell! Free tacos at Dave's On Dickson! Long live Scott Alprin!
Yukina: What did he say...
Kurama: Uh, nothing, he's just being crazy again. *thinking* Okay, I have to agree with Ned on this one, I mean, Yukina loving her own brother is just NOT right... But on the other hand, if I tell her the truth what will Hiei do to me? *pictures himself lying on the ground while Hiei beats him with a rusty stake* Nah, worse than that. *adds a penguin trying to gnaw his foot off* That's just about it.
Yukina: What about Hiei?
Kurama: *lightbulb over head* *thinking* My Mondo-Powerful Brain saves me again! *to Yukina* Sorry, Yukina, but Hiei's seeing someone else.
Yukina: Who?
Kurama: *blinks* Uh... *yelling at Mondo-Powerful Brain* You didn't say that she'd ask that!!!
Mondo-Powerful Brain: I'm sorry! She's too smart for us!
Yukina: *watches Kurama hitting himself in the head* Are you okay?
Kurama: No, no, it's just me.
Yukina: *dramatic gasp* YOU'RE the one Hiei's in love with?!
Kurama: Yes! I mean, NO! I mean...
Soap opera dramatic organ music: Duh duh DUUUUUUUUH...
Yukina: You could have told me so, then! *walks away*
Kurama: Eh... Oh, dear. Oh, well, as long as she doesn't say anything to Hiei... Or anyone else...
Narrator: We will return to "All My Hieis" after a word from-
Kurama: THIS ISN'T A SOAP OPERA YOU MORON!
~~~~~
Yusuke: *walks out the front door of his house, stretches his arms* Ah, it's a beautiful spring day, the birds are chirping, the legs are hanging... WHA?! *steps back and looks up, sees Yukina sitting on the edge of the roof with her legs hanging down* Yukina?! What are you doing here?
Yukina: I had nowhere else to go. And I need to think. Yusuke, I've just learned the most horrible thing!
Yusuke: *pats her... foot comfortingly* Hey, hey, I'd like to stay and listen but I have to get to school.
Yukina: But Hiei is a pervert! He's in love with someone that he really shouldn't be!
Yusuke: *big gasp* KEIKO!!! *runs down the street toward school*
Yukina: *calling after him* No, no, I didn't mean... *sigh* This is a mess. I hate my life.
Mysterious voice from above with Spanish accent: Alo, would you like to come wit me?
Yukina: *turns, screams*
~~~~~
Keiko: Lalala, bake sale bake sale... *putting up posters around the school* Gonna sell some cookies, gonna make some cash, gonna feed my Yusuke so that he'll-
Yusuke: *runs up* KEIKO, HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON ME WITH ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS?!
Everyone else: *gasps*
Soap opera music: Duh duh- *smashing noise*
Keiko: I... Yusuke, I... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!
Yusuke: YOU KNOW WHO I MEAN! *whispers* So, how do you... do it?
Keiko: *hits him with a book* IF YOU MEAN KUWABARA, I HATE HIM LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE!
Kuwabara: ... Did you really need to drag me into this?
Yusuke: Not him, it's someone else!
Keiko: You don't have any other friends!
Yusuke: Yes, I do!
Keiko: ...Kurama?
Yusuke: No...
Keiko: Koenma?
Yusuke: Big no...
Keiko: *eyes widen, then narrow* Oh, I see. Well, as a matter of fact, yes, we are very much in love.
Yusuke: I KNEW IT!
Kuwabara: Why do I get the feeling she's not talking about me...
Yusuke and Keiko: SHUT UP!!!
Keiko: In fact, I'm going to go see her right now! *turns and stalks off*
Yusuke: *brain-dead look* HER?! WHAT DOES SHE MEAN, 'HER'?!
~~~~~
Hiei: *opens door and walks into dark room* Where's the light switch?! Why'd you call me here, stupid brat-
Koenma's voice with snobby English accent: Call me anything but Kami-sama and I'll rip your head off, Mr. Bond.
Hiei: And how do you think you'll do that- *finds light switch, flips it, jaw drops*
Koenma: *sitting in huge armchair in the middle of hunting den/evil scientist's laboratory, smoking a bubble pipe* Why, with this, Mr. Bond. *picks up loooooooooooong fireplace poker and swings it at Hiei, almost hitting him in the head*
Hiei: I'm not 'Mr. Bond', and I'm not calling you-
Koenma: *swings the poker and chops off an inch of Hiei's hair*
Hiei: GAH, I NEED THAT HAIR!!! *covers head with arms* Okay, okay!
Koenma: And you will say 'yes, Kami-sama' to everything that I say.
Hiei: Yes, Kami-sama.
Koenma: I have an important mission for you to carry out-
Hiei: Yes, Kam-
Koenma: NOT YET!!! It involves some evil demons running a deadly poison-smuggling operation out of a school on Earth! It's actually Yusuke's school!
Soap opera music: Duh duh-
Kurama: I THOUGHT I SHUT YOU UP WITH THAT RAKE!!!
Narrator: Ah, and the soap opera organ killer reveals himself!
~pause~
Narrator: Play it, play it!
Soap opera music: DUH DUH-
Kurama: *chases them both away*
Koenma: ... Er, yes... Anyway, you have to go and, uh, kick the crap out of these ruthless killers. Oh, and don't let any humans see you killing them. You know how tightassed humans are about blood and all...
Hiei: I will not fail, Kami-sama! *does the Seig Heil*
Koenma: Oh, and there's one more thing that may interest you-
Hiei: No time, must obey Kami-sama! *runs out of the room*
Koenma: WAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIT!!!
~~~~~
Botan: *floating above the roof of the school, trying to cross her eyes* Darnit!
Keiko: *bursts onto the roof, laughing her head off* Botan, I have to tell you-
Botan: Just a minute! *growls and tries harder*
Keiko: Eh... Botan-
Botan: IN A MINUTE, GODDAMN YOU!!! *keeps trying*
~a half-hour later~
Botan: *lying on the roof* Ow. Ow. Ow. I think my brain... What's that word that sort of means... Like... drippy?
Keiko: ... Anyway... I just told Yusuke that you and I are-
Botan: *sits up straight* LESBIAN?!
Keiko: *blink* Wow, the first conclusion-jump to actually be correct! Yes, that's what I told him! And I'm going to make him jealous by acting it out-
Botan: Woah, woah, wait a second, I've seen after-school specials and I know how this always turns out! First, we'll wind up drunk at a bar in Jamaica, and then we'll be arrested by space monkeys, AND THEN you'll break my head open and use my brains for cheesecloth!
Keiko: *big blink*
Botan: Oh, wait... wrong show. Never mind. *gets up, walks away*
Keiko: ACK, I'M MISSING THE BAKE SALE!!! *runs down the stairs*
~~~~~
Hiei: *running down the street* I'll slice 'em and dice 'em, as long as he doesn't get my hair... *touches hair with hand* Aw, man, I look like an idiot.
Man: *stops him* Here, take this miracle drink! *holds out bottle*
Hiei: GET AWAY FROM ME!!!
Man: *ties him up and gives him a hypodermic shot* There, how do you feel?
Hiei: I feel... I feel... INVIGORATED! *breaks through ropes* I feel two hundred again! What was in that stuff?
Man: Camel crap.
Hiei: *feels hair and discovers that it's grown back* IT'S A MIRACLE!!! *punches man unconscious* That was for giving me a shot without sterilizing the needle first.
Koenma: *runs up, stands gasping for breath* Wait... Hiei... must tell you... about... thing...
Hiei: No time no time gotta run gotta run for Kami-sama! *runs down street*
Koenma: COME BACK!!!
Kurama: *walks up* Oh, hello Koenma-sama. Why're you angry?
Koenma: Grr, STUPID FOX BOY CHASE STUPID FIRE BOY MAKE FIRE BOY CLIMB TREE AND THEN KOENMA WILL COME WITH BOOM BOOM AND MAKE FIRE BOY DEAD! *runs away*
Kurama: Why do I have the sinking feeling that something bad is going to happen? *shrugs, looks up* Hey, that's Yusuke's school. I think I'll go in. *wanders in* A bake sale!
Spanish guy: Ah, want to buy an extra-large chocolate chip cookie?
Kurama: *blink* Hey, you're a demon! And you have Yukina with you! Yukina, how are you?
Yukina: Go away, pervert!
Kurama: You still think... Aw, hell! *runs away*
Yukina: Hello. Would you like a cookie?
Man: No thank you.
Yukina: NO? WHAT KIND OF SICK BASTARD ARE YOU?! *stands up on table* THIS MONEY WILL GO TO MAKE SURE THAT THE TINY DEMON CHILDREN WILL HAVE WOODEN LEGS TO REPLACE THE ONES BLOWN OFF IN THE MAKAI WARS, YOU GREEDY PEICES OF HUMAN TRASH!!!
Keiko: Um, I thought that this was for school uniforms.
Yukina: *long blink* That's not what he told me. *points to Spanish guy*
Spanish guy: *inches towards door*
Evil voice from the shadows: Stealing money from humans. That's even worse than stealing money from babies.
Spanish guy: *nervously* What about stealing money from human babies?
Evil voice: *pause* That's... worse.
Spanish guy: I'm not doing that.
Evil voice: Oh. Well then go on ahead- Wait! Kami-sama wanted me to kill you! *leaps out of the shadows and kills Spanish demon*
Everyone: *doesn't notice, too busy buying cookies*
Hiei: *sigh* I love my job. Killing heartless fiends peddling evil cookies for money-
PA System: *warms up, making shrill sound*
Keiko: Who's that? The principal's eating coconut pasties over there...
Takanaka: *talking to men and eating cookies* So then I said, "That's no school lunch tray, that's my wife!" *all laugh*
Kurama over PA System: Attention all, attention all. This is Suichi...
Botan: And this is Botan...
Kurama: And we would like to make a special announcement.
Both: *deep breath* WE ARE NOT GAY!!!
Kurama: I'm not in love with Hiei, and I hope he's not in love with me...
Everyone: *stares at Hiei*
Hiei: *hair stands straight... down* SHIT NO!!!
Botan: ...and I'm not in love with Keiko; she's in love with Yusuke and just wanted to make him jealous!
Yusuke: *standing in another part of the school, holding hands with Kuwabara* Damn, it was all an act. Uh, Kuwabara, you can let go of my hand now, we don't have to act like we're gay.
Kuwabara: *hurt* You were acting?!
~~~~~
Yukina: But... But...*points at Hiei* But Kurama said that you're in love!
Hiei: I'm not! I'm-
Yusuke: *bursts into the room* KEIKO YOU SAID THAT YOU WERE SCREWING BOTAN!!!
Keiko: I NEVER SAID THAT YOU PERVERT!!! *slaps him, then kisses him*
Yusuke: Well, NEVER LIE TO ME ABOUT BISEXUALITY AGAIN!!! *slaps her, then kisses her*
Keiko: Um... I HATE YOU!!! *slaps him, then kisses him and drags him down to the floor*
Yukina: But I still don't understand why Kurama would lie about him and Hiei!
Hiei: I have a confession! I am-
Kuwabara: Hey, anybody want weinie? *holds up huge bucket of weinies*
Hiei: But I want to confess-
Kuwabara: They come with ketchup!
Crowd: *surrounds him*
Hiei: But I'm-
Koenma: *bursts into the room holding a bazooka* FIRE BOY BECOME DEAD NOW!!! *starts shooting in random directions*
Kuwabara: Hey, wanna weinie-
Koenma: AH, IT'S HIEI!!! *shoots Kuwabara in the chest*
Everyone: *stares*
Keiko: Hey, that toddler killed a guy!
Yusuke: MY FRIEND KUWABARA!!!
Hiei: He doesn't even look like me.
~~~~~
Minister: We are gathered here today to remember the times, the life and the idiocies of Kazuma Kuwabara. He was a simple man... At times, too simple.
Keiko: *as minister keeps talking* *whisper* Yusuke, you haven't stopped crying since Kuwabara died!
Yusuke: There's just... something in my eye...
Hiei: *wearing ring bearer's tuxedo* I can't beleive you couldn't find a decent outfit in my size.
Kurama: Oh, lighten up. *kisses Botan*
Hiei: And what's with you two?
Botan: Well, while we were trying to get the PA system to work, Kurama tried hacking the school computer, but we still couldn't make it work...
Kurama: And then Botan figured out that you need to hit the button. *happy sigh, lays his head on Botan's shoulder*
Hiei: For Kami-sama's sake, this is a funeral.
Koenma: *sitting in the back wearing a straight jacket* Yes, Kami-sama will be good, Kami-sama will not make fire boy dead, Kami-sama will play with popsicle sticks...
Hiei: And will someone shut him up? *munching on something*
Kurama: What are you eating, Hiei?
Hiei: These sweet crackers they were serving outside are pretty good.
Kurama: HIEI, THOSE ARE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES!!!
Hiei: *keels over, dead*
MInister: *sigh* It's always a busy week when Yukina's in town.
Yukina: I DIDN'T GET ANYTHING AFTER THE FIRETRUCK EXPLODED!!!
Man who looks like Kurama in a double role with a gotee: *appears in the doorway to the morgue* KURAMA, BOTAN IS MINE!!!
Kurama: *gasp* Herald!
The End
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
XD So, what'ja
think? Come on, review! Well, there aren't going to be any more chapters, but
I MIGHT write a sequel if I feel the inspiration. I got this little bit of inspiration
while baking a cake, so maybe this time I'll clean my room (God knows it needs
it...). So long!
-FekketC