Why Mary Sues are metaphysically impossible.

I, (Allie Tassaré) Long term *friend* of the author, (who generally uses me in any fic that needs either a guinea-pig or a presenter) have been (forced to) finding arguments why Mary-Sues are metaphysically impossible.

So after a lot of thought and having tried out a few of Mary-sue common traits I too conclude (painfully) Mary-Sues are Metaphysically impossible.

*Applause*

Thankyou! And here is my evidence…

1) Hair

Why do mary-sues always have pretty hair? Why can't they really screw up their hair like the rest of us? Do they all carry combs and shampoo when they dissapear into fiction? And how come they always seem to have some sunlight gleaming off it?

I went into a wood and various other places and my hair shone like a brick. I then decided to go without washing my hair for a week (This author is so mean to make me do this stuff) and it shone but… let's not go there. All I'll say is I'm willing to bet no self-respecting Elf-prince would look at me.

For my next test the Author (A/N hitherto know as she who rules everything or SWRE) decided to get a passage from a Mary-sue and here it is… "The girl sighed as she brushed her hair until it shone like melted gold." What I did was get a hairbrush and brushed my hair but instead of going all pretty my hair frizzed up and stood on end.

Conclusion of evidence one – Not possible

2) Appearance and travelling into books

There are a number of things wrong with this. Why is it Mary Sues usually end up in forests or Elf-Cities? And why is it Mary Sues get found when they go to a forest or something? Middle Earth is a big place and the forest and wasteland stretch out for miles. Like Miles as in "Oh look the USA is miles away from england." Big Country. Okay?

Why don't Mary Sues ever land on their faces when they fall in M-E? And why do all the inhabitants beheave so nice towards them? That freaks me out that's they're always so nice so I dressed up in strange clothes and wandered out a forest pretending to be a lost Mary-Sue and instead of a party of Elves I meet a bunch of Dwarves. The (brief) conversation runs thus…

Me: Where am I?

Dwarf 1: How pissed must you be if you don't know?

*Looks at my clothes*

Dwarf 1: Oh I see… not from round 'ere eh?

Me: No. Can you please tell me where I am?

Dwarf 2: No

Me: Why?

Dwarf 2: You annoy me.

Me: Why?

Dwarf 3: Oh just piss off ya tart.

*I do a totally unmarysue-like finger-gesture at the Dwarves and teleport myself back to my computer*

So you see? Mary-Sues cannot be that lucky! (Or maybe they can… I'll get into that later)

Conclusion of evidence 2 – Lucky tarts

3) Lurve

Mary Sues almost always end up in love so here if a brief guide to why it's metaphysically impossible….

The love interest (LI) usually rescues them and (see above) let's face it – how likely is that? The LI is usually a handsome prince/handsome Elf-prince/Legolas(more below)/Any other main character the person has a thing for. – Why aren't they ugly? And why aren't they dwarves or (generally speaking) Boromir? Mary Sues generally fall in love at first sight and (sorry romantics) but this don't happen too much anymore. Mary sues always seem to fall in love in a few seconds then typically one of the following happens..

a) She joins the fellowship along with the LI and has a happy time

b) She (or the LI) die and do a good death/mourning scene

c) They fall in love. (Sorry but why isn't she rejected? Seems *too* perfect too me)

d) Various other dramatic and perfectly planned things.

Conclusion of evidence 3 – Not fair

4) Personailty and Emotion Control

As far as I can see it all Mary Sues are either one of two –

The "Buffy" Marysue –or-..

The "Princess Lurve" Marysue

Then again it could be a mixture of both.

The "Buffy" Marysue is totally dependant. They can kick Orc Arse. They can either be totally fit and well trained in Martial arts or they are just brilliant anyway, with amazing skill and power. They only cry when a LI or close friend dies.

The "Princess Lurve" Marysue is only semi-dependant. Maybe they harbour a secret that could change M-E or maybe they are a high princess. Either way they usually fall in love and the tale has either a soppy or heart-breaking finish.

There are however some basic rules all mary sues seem to go by..

They have good control of their emotions They have nice personalities (or if they don't no-one minds because they're so pretty) They are always sure of themselves and never cower in a corner when bad stuff happens.

There are more but I'm not going into even more detail. SWRE decides things were getting a little boring so she sent me on yet another Mary Sue test.

The Test: I go and wait until a single Prince finds me and then I act like a Mary-sue.

Here goes….

I stand by the side of the road looking out of place but beautiful (SWRE agreed to change me into a Marysue-alike for the purpose) when a prince rides past. I do a Marysue bambi eye thing and he stops

"Please, Oh prince, Where am I?" I say in my most demure-sick-inducing-mary-sue voice. However instead of saying – 'Maiden you are in my country, (random country). Pray ride beside me on my horse until I can find you a place to rest your beautiful head."

He actually says:

"Piss off peasent."

I then spook his throughbred horse and teleport back t the computer (again).

So there you have it – Marysues and their Personalities.

BTW I have a shirt saying "I love my Attitude Problem" and it is soo true.

Conclusion of Evidence 4 – Yeah right

5) Eyes and General Appearance

Why do Mary sues have such nice eyes? Personally I think everyone's eyes look nice but that has nothing to do with it. Marysues (as a general rule) have amazing bright/unusual colour/piercing eyes and while I accept that most of these are possible it is NOT LIKELY.

General Apearancewise Marysues are thin, althetic, have pretty hair (see above) and are incrediably beautiful. I don't really think that's fair so in true spirit SWRE has thought of another way to humiliate me.

Actually it's not that bad since I don't get embarassed too easily and I enjoy weird looks from people who have (correctly) guessed I'm insane. Anyhoo the test is easy. All I have to do is wander about M-E until a passing prince see my eyes (changed for he purpose of the test to a deep neon green) and declares love for me.

However, all that happened was that 14 people (I counted) asked if I was wearing contacts, then 5 people poked my in the eye to see if they were contacts and 1 person fainted and was possibly hospitalized (I didn't know they glowed in the dark okay? Sue me. No Wait! DON'T! PLEASE DON'T!!! I HAVE NO MONEY!!)

6) Human Nessecities Broken

Why don't they ever say anything about the Marysue's personal hygiene? Why don't Mary sues ever need to go to the loo in the middle of a forest? And do Elven-bathrooms have Machines with Girly essentials in? Why do these Marysues blatantly stay away from these subjects? (see my interview with a marysue – soon to be published)

Since Marysues spend a lot of time in forests or with the fellowhip where does she go? Do they carry loo paper with them? Much more to come after a startling interview that will soon be posted.

I will post the rest of my conclusive report when and if any people show that it is a good idea.

(R/R people)