In this cold and sterile, uninviting cell, I stare at the mocking sunshine, dwindling away with the evening from the barred window above me. The cot is too firm, but my back is so stiff and sore that I don't notice it anymore.
Life in prison is a better sentence than death they say, but I disagree. It is simply more humiliating, and gives them excuses to torment me forever until I ultimately die.
Above me on the ground floor of the castle is a ball going on, from what I've heard over the past few days. My tenth eldest brother Fredrick was married last night to none other than the Queen of Arendelle with whom he had been courting for a number of years now.
Swinging my legs off the bed and sitting up mechanically I shuffled to the window and stood on my toes to peer outside. The festivities had extended to outside the castle, clearly. I thought the cold hearted queen wouldn't bother to leave her icy fortress in her own home. Heavens, I just wanted her go go back and leave me be.
Not that she had even made contact with me since her arrival. They only married here for the sake of saving my other brothers the trouble of travelling so far.
They would leave again for Arendelle tomorrow morning and I was to stay here. I'll never be free.
Not just from this physical prison, but from the prison within myself. I feel as though I have no more soul, as though I am just a hollow shell and a bottomless pit which can never be filled.
That day, she told me I was the only one with a frozen heart. She said this in jest of course but I realise how right she had been. It was... A touchy situation actually.
Now that I've had the time to think about it, since it's the only thing I haven't been able to rid from my mind as I stay here in this isolation, I began to wonder at some point what it would be like if I had loved her.
She was by no means unpleasant, although a tad annoying here and there. She was so full of life, and I have to admit she was doing pretty well for someone who had little or no experience with sibling affection. Why were we so similar and yet she ended up better than me?
It must have been because...Elsa was only one sibling, and their parents forcefully separated them. Whereas my parents on the other hand, thought it was a good idea to have an army of sons to desert later on in favor of the first four brothers, leaving the spares to knock each other out as they saw fit.
They all had the choice to interact with me. They all had the option to let me in, but they didn't. I truly have to say, the part of me that justified letting Anna die was the thought that she was so lucky, and I wasn't. Petty, and not a good excuse but it's the only thing I can come up with.
Then, there's Elsa. Initially I had a good motivation to dislike her, naturally, as it was below freezing all because she was a mental shipwreck if you'll pardon the pun. It's understandable that twelve years of hating yourself could do something like that to you. Which is why I can't bring myself to truly hate her in the end, only resent her in the same manner as with Anna.
I was taught or rather influenced to hate myself and was ashamed of myself for things I couldn't control, and yet she somehow managed to see the light.
Love. It all comes down to love, and if it were present within me then perhaps I wouldn't be like this.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I stared at the hollow and dead eyes that looked back. I wasn't really all that shabby for a guy who'd been in prison this long. The cooks and guards are easy to sweet talk into feeding me well, and provide me with some sanity, but I was still sick looking.
"Oh Hans..." I whisper, touching the mirror and staring at the image of my hand against my own, "if only somebody loved you..."
It isn't an unmanly thing to cry, but I tell you what, it sure takes a lot of strength to hold it down. The thickening of your throat as it clenches up, and your heart dropping with an agonising pain and then the world is blurry from the burning tears that come whether you hold back the sobbing or not. I am very familiar with this feeling.
Maybe I should stop holding it back and welcome the sorrow and the frustration. Holding it in or not, now no one could see me and I couldn't hurt anyone.
"I belong here... Locked away where I can just be alone, and no one can be hurt by me anymore. No one can hurt me anymore." I shudder and force myself to look away, as there suddenly catches my eye, a glimpse of someone from behind me in the mirror.
Afraid to turn around I can only make eye contact with her through the mirror.
"Hans?" She whispers. It had been a while since I saw those rosy cheeks, and round, pure eyes.
"Princess Anna..." I utter, breathlessly. The words sting my mouth and I bit my lip, looking away.
I turn to her and out of frustration and embarrassment I hollered, "why have you come down here? To mock me.. Like the others?"
She flinched and backed away, tripping over her own dress and grasping onto a key holder to avoid falling.
She shudders and then slowly regains her footing. She shakes her head, but I can't stand the sight of her.
"Why have you come down here? What is it that the sight of me could possibly do for you?" I hissed.
Turning on my heel I glared out the bottom of the ridiculously high window.
"Hans... I, I don't know much about you... Or anything but, whatever it is that...that made you this way, you can't let it eat you up like this." She stuttered.
Turning to her I raise a brow, unimpressed with her attempt at pity. Storming back over to the bars I grit my teeth and mockingly replied, "oh, so that's it? You want to talk about my tragic past? Hear my damn sob story? Is that it Anna? Just... Just get out of here."
I wave my hand away at her and then sit on the edge of my cot, staring at the floor.
But Princess Anna doesn't leave. Instead she sits and faces me. Minutes have passed and finally she admits, "I was lost. I... Thought my boyfriend would be down in the stables, but your brother Japser is horrible at giving directions.. Heh..."
I can't help but snicker, loosening up a little. "Jasper? You asked HIM of all people for directions? That guy can't tell his left hand from his right foot."
Our eyes make contact again and after a second or two we both fall into a fit of giggles.
It's weird, to be friendly like this. I mean, only so long ago I tried to leave her for dead. What would it have been like if I had loved her? What if she still loved me? It was nagging me in my mind as she finally took a deep breath and smoothed out her dress as she knelt down before the long iron grate that separated us.
"When I tried to get Elsa to stop the winter, she said the exact same thing." She said, her eyes looking off to the side and I waited for more.
"She said she was a monster, and was better of alone where she can be herself without hurting anybody. But I..." She sighs and then looks me in the eyes again.
"I knew that to be alone wasn't something that was...good. You, Hans, you know being alone is what did this to you." She gestured to the walls and the bars.
I know from all my years of mirroring people, what true emotions look like and the anguish that came to her face, just from the word 'alone' itself was enough to strike a chord with me. The same one that almost made me...
"But Anna, unlike Elsa I actually tried to do horrible things. I really deserve this. You saved her, but... My brothers wanted me dead. It was Fedrick and my mother who were able to stop them from killing me off. Which is a surprise..." I spat the word surprise and she looks up at me suddenly.
"My mother never seemed to care about me before. Not with the way she'd dismiss me and sacrifice everything I ever had or wanted just to please the first four..."
Anna was hesitant to start but eventually replied, "my parents weren't too great either. Fear was Elsa's worst enemy but they feared HER, which in turn made her afraid of herself. I know parents usually mean well, but at times they can be pretty lousy, huh?"
Sighing I stood up and then joined her on the floor.
"I thought I wasn't going to talk about me tragic past..." I joked, trying to change the subject.
"After all, you still have each other. Now that I've gone this far, I have no one. The last person who actually cared about me is Fredrick, and in the morning he will be gone from my life. What does that really leave me, but to be alone?" I explained.
She surprises me greatly, with the way her hands can be both forceful, and yet gentle as she gingery takes my hands into them and then squeezes.
"Look, I can never forgive you for what you've done, and I don't think anyone in their right mind would but...that doesn't mean I can't understand why. And... I also don't think this is it. There has to be more for you. I don't care what you did, because no one, NO ONE, deserves to be all alone, forever."
Lost for words I can only gaze into her eyes and helplessly wish she could stay down here with me. Not alone... Some one to love me... I could have had that. I could have had her, Anna, the beautiful, gentle, free spirited Anna who could only ever look at me with those soft adoring eyes and her wide, cherry coloured smile. Why did I...
She placed a hand on my chest and says "only love can thaw a frozen heart. It start with YOU. You need to love yourself, and let the past go, and then people will be able to love you too. Elsa could do it, and...it may just sort of kind of be a little too late... For you...but you have to trust me." She drew away as the sound of her name being called echoed down the stairs.
Standing up quickly, she bids me a silent goodbye before hustling over to the stairway. Skidding to a halt, she pauses to look back at me, with an emotion I can't read, even with my psychological intellect.
She rushed back to me and pulled me by my shirt to the bars, I flinched ready for a punch like the last time, but she takes the opportunity to peck my cheek before grinning smugly and then finally leaving.
Dumbfounded, I shuffled over to my cot and stared at the moonlight in the now darkened sky from my window and whispered.
"Love will thaw a frozen heart, but it has to start with myself. Well... That sounds easier than it is, but...it's something." I muttered.
"The problem is, it's not 'if only I could love me'... "
"It's only, if only you did... Anna..." I clutched my chest, feeling her hand still there.
I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.