warning: there's smut
Their lips are almost touching when Gansey pulls back and scrambles to his feet, leaving Blue sitting cross-legged on the floor. Her eyes had been closed, as it usually is before a kiss, which meant she didn't see Gansey jumping up from his place, she just felt the rush of air, a movement in front of her face, and then the absence of his warmth. Now she opens her eyes and tries not to feel offended. She doesn't think kissing her would be such a horrible thing to do but the situation is understandably weird and Gansey can't be blamed.
Her annoyance evaporates as soon as she takes in his jittery state. His stare is firmly fixed on the heap of notebooks on his desk as an excuse to avoid her eyes. His hand runs through his hair in a self-conscious gesture then he awkwardly shifts on his feet and folds his arms across his chest. It's clear he has no idea what to do with himself. She frowns. It isn't like Gansey to be so uncomfortable around her and the idea makes her sad.
Unfolding her legs, Blue stands up and walks to him.
"We don't have to do this."
Gansey, still not looking at her, gestures vaguely with his hand and mumbles, "It was your idea."
Indeed, it had been. "If I am to be your fake girlfriend," she had said, "perhaps we should work on our intimacy level."
Gansey had said that was sensible and so they held hands, if a bit awkwardly, at Nino's and the whole way back to Monmouth. Then Blue sat on the floor and said they could try kissing. As a way to get familiar with each other. So when it came to greeting each other with a quick peck on the lips in front of their friends, it'd seem natural and not uncomfortable.
This was when Gansey had first hesitated but he agreed anyway and sat down in front of her. They had stared at each other for at least a minute before Blue finally took the plunge and leaned in to kiss him. But as soon as her lips got close to his own, he fled.
If he weren't one of her closest friends, Blue would have definitely been offended.
"Well, it might have been a stupid idea," she says. "We can improvise."
"We shouldn't even be doing this in the first place." He continues mumbling, face turned away from her. "It's a terrible idea."
Blue had originally been the one wary of this plan but now she shakes her head, determined. "I already agreed to it. People saw us holding hands. It's only for two weeks anyway."
This is what they had agreed on: for two weeks they would pretend to be a couple then publicly break up on Halloween and be done with the whole thing. Of course, none of this would be necessary if Gansey hadn't panicked and said they were dating in a desperate attempt to finally get rid of his ex-girlfriend who's been trying to get back together with him for weeks. Blue was still a bit iffy about his impromptu lie but she also never quite liked Penelope and all of her self-important preppy rich girl attitude. She would enjoy teaching her a lesson.
Thus here they are now.
"Gansey, look at me."
He does. At the sound of her voice, he raises his eyes to her face and she smiles, hoping it's encouraging. Gansey swallows; Blue watches as his throat moves.
"It's okay. I want you to be comfortable with me."
He gives a tiny nod, and his expression softens, less terrified now. Blue nods too, satisfied, and then draws herself up to her full height. He's still a head taller than her.
"So what do you want to do?"
His voice is small but Blue hears him clearly. "We should practice."
Blue nods again then takes his face in her hands. One of them has to take the first step and she knows it's going to be her.
"Relax," she whispers softly, and he does, a little bit, loosening his tense posture.
She doesn't immediately lean in though, letting Gansey adjust to the feel of her palms on his skin. She watches as he breathes in and out for a few moments before he slowly closes his eyes. Then she lets her own close too and tilts her head up towards him.
This time he doesn't pull away and their lips meet in a slow kiss. His mouth is warm. Soft too, and it tastes good. It tastes like sunshine, happiness, and a quiet day under the familiar shelter of her beech tree. And mint too, of course, always mint.
Blue is startled by this. She had always liked kissing, boys, girls, it didn't matter, but this - oh, she couldn't explain. It's an epiphany, the realization that lips were made to kiss lips. It's a feeling in her chest, like completion. Like she'd been waiting for this without knowing it. For a moment, she forgets why they're doing this and can't remember why they haven't done it before.
It isn't awkward. Her hands slip down from his face and fit around his shoulders; his hands hold onto her waist and curl into her shirt. The fabric rides up a little, exposing only the barest hint of skin but Gansey's fingers whisper over it and Blue shudders. She can feel this kiss in every inch of her body.
He breaks away and Blue gasps into his mouth, greedily breathing in air. She catches his gaze and sees something there that she can't quite name but she feels it reflected in herself. It last for less than five seconds and they're kissing again. They lean in at the same time, lips colliding feverishly, hands holding on tightly to each other. Her fingers mess up his hair. He groans into her mouth. The door suddenly opens and someone yelps.
They break apart again and Blue almost stumbles to explain before she realizes that they weren't kissing because it felt good, - though it did feel good, it felt really good, and that's not something she wants to dwell on yet - they were kissing so that people would think they're dating. It's okay to get caught. That's kind of the point.
Adam and Ronan stand in the doorway, looking less than impressed. Ronan does, anyway. Adam stares with his eyebrows raised in curiosity.
"What in holy hell," Ronan laments, "are you two doing?"
A flush stains Gansey's cheeks. Blue crosses her arms across her chest and glares.
"What you two should be doing," she says and Ronan's eyes turn murderous while Adam hides his snicker by coughing into his hand.
"I wasn't asking you," Ronan informs her and Blue finds that answer rather childish but then again she finds everything about Ronan childish. He turns to his best friend. "Dick, really? Really? Please tell me you didn't willingly entangle yourself in a spider's web. You're smarter than that. She'll eat you alive."
Gansey's answer is a berating look, a small frown playing on his lips. The same lips she's just been kissing - focus, Blue.
She rolls her eyes at Ronan. "The only person I'll be eating alive here is you, Ronan."
Ronan thrusts his arm out as if making a point, See? See what she's like? He turns to her. "Did you put a spell on him, witch?"
"Oh, that's enough," she snaps. "You can leave now."
"This is my home."
Blue's cutting reply is right on her tongue but Gansey interrupts, quiet, tired, pleading.
"Stop, please."
Both of them immediately shut up and Blue mutters a quick "sorry" but only to Gansey. Adam finally closes the door behind them and turns to Gansey and Blue curiously. Ronan throws himself in a chair and his lips curl in disgust as he regards the two of them as well.
"So?"
Blue turns to Gansey, a question in her eyes. He gives a helpless shrug. This wasn't how Blue imagined they would break the news to their friends but it will do, she supposes. It's good enough because it's not a real relationship anyway.
"Well," she begins. "Gansey and I are... dating." She winces at how lame that sounds. Then she takes his hand to make a point and waits for the boys' reactions.
If Adam is surprised he doesn't show it. He smiles at them, a gesture to let them know that he's happy for them, and Blue lets out a relieved sigh. Her harmless flirting with Adam had never turned into anything tangible but she's glad to have his approval nonetheless. Ronan is another case altogether but Blue doesn't care much about his approval anyway.
Gansey might, though, and so when Ronan stays quiet, brows furrowed, his expression of someone who's bitten into sour lemon, Blue raises her eyebrows impatiently, willing him to say something. At least for his best friend's sake. After a moment he sighs, rolls his eyes, and shrugs nonchalantly.
"Well, it's none of my business if you want to date the devil herself but I, as your friend, am obligated to tell you that this is a terrible idea."
"Jesus, Lynch, show a little support, will you?" Adam says and Ronan just rolls his eyes again. Blue knows that's the best they'll get from him today, or ever. She meets Gansey's gaze who gives her an uncertain smile and she returns it. In the back of her mind, she can't help wondering what she's gotten herself into.
The first text comes later from Noah while Blue is sitting in bed, idly doodling in her notebook. It's dark, her bedside lamp the only source of light in the room. Blue is tired but she has a test tomorrow. A test she's not actually studying for but having her notebook open in front of her creates the illusion that she's making an effort. Going to sleep would be admitting defeat. But her sleepy mind is wandering to dangerous places like Gansey's kiss earlier so when her phone buzzes with an incoming text, she welcomes the distraction.
Putting her notebook aside and dispersing all sorts of unwanted thoughts swirling in her head, Blue opens the message. The bright screen screams the letters at her, "finally." Blue, though knowing what Noah means, sends a question mark back. Then she pauses and realizes that maybe she doesn't know what Noah means. Finally? What finally?
The answer comes in almost immediately: you and gansey. im happy for u guys
Blue bites down on her lip, wondering how to respond. It's no surprise Noah, of all people, would be supportive of this decision but Blue is still thinking about that 'finally.' Did it mean Noah had suspected there was something going on between her and Gansey, and if so, why?
As Blue mulls over this, her fingers hovering over the letters, another text buzzes in. This time from Henry. Their timing is just perfect.
Henry's say: you and G-man did the do? congratulations!
Blue snorts and types out a message for both of them. i know you guys are together. and no henry we did not "do the do"
Henry: pff it's only a matter of time
Noah: don't change the subject, tell us how it happened
Blue twirls a piece of her hair around her finger, eyes trained on the screen. She doesn't know how to answer. They didn't agree on any backstory and that, in hindsight, was probably a mistake. To buy herself some time, she tells the boys she'll explain everything tomorrow at Nino's then tells them she's tired and says her goodnights.
Even though she really is tired, she reaches for her notebook again and actually tries to read the words written there. It only lasts for five minutes and then she's doodling again, and trying not to think about Gansey or that kiss. But when she finishes drawing her miniature person on the margin, she realizes it looks alarmingly like Gansey. Polo shirts and all. And glasses, her favorite version of him.
She can't stop thinking about him.
Blue shuts her notebook closed with a groan and leans back against the headboard. How did this happen, she wonders, then curses Penelope Hastings to hell and back for being unable to leave Gansey alone. It's her fault, Blue determines, hers alone.
She knows she's not going to get any studying done tonight so she decides that she might as well give up. She'll just wing it and make up for it later. Tomorrow will be a new day, new beginnings, new thoughts untainted by the memory of lips on lips and bodies against bodies. At least, that's what she tells herself.
Her notebook on the bedside table, her lamp turned off, Blue settles under the covers and closes her eyes. The image of Gansey right after their first kiss returns - his eyes had been hazy, dark, oh so attractive. Her hand slowly makes its way between her legs. She's not sleeping just yet.
In theory, going to the movies with all your friends present is not a date. In reality, everything feels a little different now that Blue has a "boyfriend."
It shouldn't be - she and Gansey have always been paired off together. It's always been Noah and Henry then Adam and Ronan, and that meant Blue and Gansey. They are the leftovers but Blue wouldn't quite put it that way because she's never minded the fact that Gansey is her leftover.
Still, they are not just Blue and Gansey now, they are Blue-and-Gansey. An item. A couple. Dating. Or so everyone thinks.
So it's different. They walk hand in hand on the streets and greet each other with kisses. They sit next to each other at the movies and hold hands during the film. That, too, feels different in the dark.
Blue can't explain it, it's just more intimate somehow. More dangerous. Not that she's thinking any dangerous thoughts - really, she isn't, she won't. Still, for some reason, she's hyperaware of the fact that she could slip her hand out of Gansey's, slide it up his leg, rest it somewhere far more private, and their friends would be none the wiser. She could do it - but why would she?
She wouldn't, of course, she won't, and Gansey would never speak to her again if she did, but the strange sense of intimacy lingers.
Gansey's hand twitches in hers and then his thumb makes an unexpected slow circle motion on her palm. Soft, light as a feather. Just once. Blue's eyes immediately snap to him but he keeps looking at the screen. She doesn't know why he did it - habit, accident, mistake. She settles back against her chair and tells her chest to calm down but she can't focus on the movie anymore. Later, when her friends ask her what she thought of it, she shrugs and tells them it could have been better while not recalling anything of those two hours at all.
If there's one positive side to all of this, it's the chance to annoy Ronan Lynch. That alone almost makes Blue wish they could keep up the pretense for longer than two weeks.
He sneers, gags, or makes disgusted faces every time Blue dares to take Gansey's hand or kiss him goodbye on the cheek, and it would be offensive if it wasn't so damn amusing. It's a game; her friendship with Ronan has always been built on insults, snide remarks, and poking fun at each other. Dating Gansey provides her with the perfect opportunity to do so. She feels slightly bad for using him in their little war since Gansey always wished for them to get along but what he never understood was that this was Blue and Ronan getting along. In their own way, they did like each other.
So Blue uses it to her advantage and gives Ronan a delighted smirk when he catches her eye. He huffs. They have decided to go for a walk in Cabeswater after the movie and though they're not holding hands, Gansey is close, his arm continuously brushing against hers. This is also another reason she wants to focus on Ronan right now, rather than on Gansey's startling proximity.
"Have you picked your costume yet?" she asks Gansey but loud enough that Ronan, walking ahead of them, hears. "We could match."
"Disgusting."
Henry lets out an amused laugh. "Hey Lynch, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I believe our little Blue is purposefully trying to get under your skin and you're letting her."
"Yeah, Lynch," Adam agrees. "You're an easy target."
Blue doesn't disagree, she just turns to Gansey and links their arms together. "So what do you think?"
Gansey's voice is significantly quieter, speaking only for her rather than their audience. "If you really want to."
He gives her a knowing look and Blue glances down at her feet guiltily. "Sorry, he's just so easy to rile up." She looks up at him. "But I do think it's a good idea."
Gansey nods. "In that case, I agree."
They stop in the middle of a quiet field. The weather is rather pleasant for October, the sun warm on their faces. Gansey spreads out his coat on the ground and sits on it, and Blue, after a moment of hesitation, sits on his lap. His hands immediately go to her waist, an instinct, but his body is tense, fingers rigid. Blue worries she's done the wrong thing, overstepped their boundaries, but can't make herself get up, wondering how it would look to everyone else. Her stomach is tight, her heart in her throat, until Gansey relaxes and holds onto her waist more firmly. She lets herself relax against him too, back pressed against his chest. She doesn't dare crane her neck to sneak a look at him but she wonders if he looks as flustered as she feels.
Henry claps his hands together and grins. "Well, aren't you two just adorable?"
Before Ronan could even make a comment to negate that, Henry has his phone in his hand and snaps a picture.
"Can I put it on Instagram?"
Blue opens her mouth but merely shrugs uncertainly, and she feels, rather than sees, Gansey giving a small nod. "Sure."
Blue wants to look at him. She can feel his muscles against her back, the rise and fall of his chest with every breath, the comforting rhythm of his heart. She's super aware of his arms around her waist and the security of the way he holds her.
She wants to look at him. She doesn't.
Henry ambles over to show them the picture, now uploaded to his Instagram, and Blue's heart skips a beat. It looks right. Her, sitting on his lap, him, with his arms around her waist. Her head is half turned, as if about to look at him, and his is bent down, definitely looking at her. They both look serene - but more importantly, it looks real.
She smiles faintly and Gansey, to her surprise, presses a kiss to her hair. This one, too, she can feel tingling everywhere on her body, ghost kisses all over her skin.
A few feet away, she catches Adam watching them curiously and she wonders what he sees. He's always had an eye for detail, a knack to pick up on things others didn't. She wonders if he can see right through them. Somehow, it's hard to imagine - perhaps because Blue herself can't seem to tell real from fake anymore.
Gansey's lips ignite trails of fire on her skin, from her neck down to the middle of her stomach. Then from the middle of her stomach down to her legs. He leaves slow, lingering kisses on the insides of her thighs, then nips at her skin, playful and teasing. Blue doesn't remember how they got here only that she's naked and he's naked and that's all that seems to matter.
His fingertips dig into her hipbones as he holds her steady - she likes the pressure. His touch is firm and confident, and she's wet. She's probably been wet since his lips first touched her naked skin, and she knows he can smell it. She wants him to smell it, she wants him to taste it. Silently, she prays he'll move his head up and kiss her between her legs.
As if reading her mind, his tongue makes a straight path up her thigh and reaches her clit. He stops. Blue can't help the strangled gasp escaping her mouth, asking for more. His lips touch her, his tongue pushing in, and she groans, hips rising desperately.
"Gansey, please..." Her voice is a rasp, not her own, not in a way that she recognizes. "Make me come."
His answer is the pressure of his mouth, the fingertips finding her clit. He drives his tongue inside her, finding all the right places. His fingers rub her in circles and they're warm, delicate, satisfying. Then he switches: moving his fingers up to curl them inside her while his mouth leaves sloppy kisses on her lips – the private ones.
She's not capable of coherent thoughts anymore. Each of his movements is rewarded by a sharp cry or whimper or heavy intake of breath. Her orgasm is speeding towards her like a fast train without a brake and she feels like she may not survive the collision but she would rather die with his head between her legs than stop now.
"I can't breathe," she tells him, gasping, rising, rising, rising. "Oh, I can't... I can't... Gansey."
He might murmur something into her skin, prayers or hymns or encouragements, but she doesn't hear. She only hears her own moans, and air rushing by her ears like water. She feels Gansey's mouth on her clit, the bedsheets under her palm, and ecstasy like a living thing dancing inside her.
Then she wakes, grasping the sheets, breathing heavily, and longing for a boy that's just almost hers.
It's almost cruel when Gansey shows up at 300 Fox Way just an hour later, wearing the smile that's meant just for her. Blue has never stopped to consider what it means that he has a smile only for her but she knows she quite likes it - both the smile and the fact of this truth. It draws her eyes to his lips, and suddenly, she can't stop staring.
They are great lips. Delicate, soft, warm - perfect for kissing, she knows this from experience. (Her heart jumps; she still can't forget about their kiss.) And he knows how to use them. She bets he knows how to use them for giving head too.
"Blue?"
She blinks back to reality. She's been caught red-handed, it seems. A bit embarrassed, and a bit distracted still, she waves him inside.
"Are you okay?"
Yeah, I just had a dream that you were eating me out and now that's all I can think about.
This is a mess.
She forces a smile onto her face. "Yes. I haven't had my morning coffee yet. Do you want some?"
"Yes, thank you."
She retrieves two mugs from the cupboard, grateful for the chance to turn away from him. The memory of that dream is very fresh in her mind - if she doesn't concentrate hard enough, images of his head between her legs push in, and she can feel herself getting wet again. She looks at his face and it's worse. She would rather not look.
Gansey is handsome, Blue has always known that. A golden boy; an American war hero look. But up until now she's always believed her appreciation of his face to be simply aesthetic. They were merely friends - or so she thought. Could one kiss really change her feelings so drastically? Or have they been there all along without Blue ever realizing?
Blue swirls the sugar in the milk with more force than necessary. It is just lust, she tells herself, and for a moment, she believes it. It'll pass. Gansey isn't the first friend she imagined herself with and probably won't be the last - that doesn't mean she'll act upon these desires. It doesn't mean she has feelings that go beyond that.
Blue puts his cup of coffee in front of him and takes a sip of her own. She coughs; it's a bit too sweet. She hasn't been paying attention. She hopes she hasn't messed up Gansey's, at least.
Fortunately, he just raises his eyebrows at her and takes another sip.
"Penelope cornered me again," he begins.
Blue's eyebrows run up to her forehead. "She did?" There's an edge to her voice she doesn't like. Her hand wraps tightly around her spoon as she starts swirling again.
"Yes," he says slowly. His gaze is burning a hole into her but she won't look at him. "I think she was trying to trick me into asking her out."
She glances up. "But she thinks we're together," Blue says flatly.
Gansey merely shrugs and drinks. Something ugly fires up inside her and she drops her spoon which clatters loudly on the marble surface. Palms on the table, her eyes locking onto his, she leans towards him.
"Do you want me to tell her to back off?"
It might not be real but for all Penelope knows it is. It irks Blue that she would still go after Gansey knowing he's taken. The uncomfortable feeling in the pit of her stomach deepens. Just who does Penelope Hastings think she is?
Gansey hesitates as he looks at her, assessing her riled up state. Blue supposes she might seem a little too angry, a little too enthusiastic about the idea of giving Penelope a piece of her mind. It must seem like a real reaction from a real and jealous girlfriend. She tries to back off, tries to neutralize her features, but a small inferno has taken hold of her emotions and it's burning.
"That's very kind of you but you don't have to," Gansey says at last.
Blue shrugs. "Isn't that what I'm here for? If I was really your girlfriend, I would do it."
"You're doing a convincing job of being my girlfriend," he mentions, casually. Except it's not casual at all.
Blue freezes. The mug is halfway to her mouth. She can hear a fly buzzing by and the clock ticking on the wall. A million thoughts run through her head and all of them somehow end with: you're busted.
Then Gansey gives her a small smile and says, with an ease he didn't possess earlier, "That was a compliment."
Blue exhales slowly. She's safe for now. She tries to smile. "Thank you."
Blue's plan is to remain civil with Penelope no matter what but seeing the smirk on her face, she wonders why. The girl is surrounded by her friends slash minions when Blue makes her way over to their table at Nino's and takes their orders. She knows work might not be the best place to do this but she doesn't have a lot of opportunities here - it's not like she sees Penelope so often. They don't exactly move in the same circles.
Penelope crosses her legs and sits up straighter, waiting. She's been expecting her, Blue realizes, and she's giving her exactly what she wants. It's too late to back down now, though, and Blue doesn't want to.
"Penelope," she says after writing down their orders on her notepad. Her tone is friendly enough but cold and Penelope mirrors it.
"Blue. Cute outfit."
It's her work outfit. It's not cute. And Blue has watched enough movies to know that the way Penelope said that meant the opposite. Two of her minions exchange smug smiles, proving her point.
Blue smiles tightly. "Let's skip the pleasantries. You know why I'm here."
Penelope spreads her hands out. "To take our orders?"
"Leave Gansey alone"
There's a small pause then Penelope lets out a snort. "I didn't think you'd be so territorial, Blue Sargent."
"It's not territorial if you're trying to seduce him. I get to be angry about that. He doesn't want you and your advances make him uncomfortable so stop."
"He can tell me that himself."
Blue grits her teeth, resisting the urge to strangle Penelope with her pretty pearl necklace. The worst is this: Blue knows she's more interested in Gansey's family status than Gansey himself. Set up by their parents, they dated for a few months until it became obvious that what Penelope wanted was a boyfriend to show off. What Gansey wanted was a relationship meant for more than just the public eye. He ended things but she refused to give up. And if Blue and Gansey pretending to date didn't stop her, nothing would.
Blue inhales slowly, letting the fresh breath of air calm her fury, then leans very close to Penelope. Penelope stands her ground, her eyes holding a challenge, and Blue knows she won't let herself be intimidated but she can't say nothing either.
Very coolly, Blue whispers, "Between us girls, it's really unbecoming to tear each other down like this. Where's your feminism?"
Penelope's mouth twists into a wry smile. "Between us girls, you'll never keep him."
Now Blue stops and pulls back. The comment is a punch in the gut - it quickly strips her of all her confidence and bravado. Penelope's words reverberate in her head. She's right. There's nothing to keep because he's not hers to begin with.
Dully, she realizes that Penelope won this match effortlessly. The other girl sees this too and her smirk widens while her friends begin snickering. Blue is about to straighten herself and walk away with her head held high but when she glances up, someone familiar walks in the doors.
Gansey. He spots her and gives her a bright grin. Blue's lips slowly begin to curve upwards as a plan forms in her head.
It's a golden opportunity. Not very mature, no, but... she's going to do it anyway.
Blue's only goodbye to Penelope is a smug smile as she heads towards Gansey. She can sense her head swiveling in their direction, her stare burning a hole into her back, and she's glad because it fuels her confidence. She's going to teach this girl a lesson.
(She's also glad to have an excuse to kiss Gansey again but she won't think about that now.)
Reaching Gansey, he barely has time to greet her before she locks her arms around his neck and crashes her mouth against his.
It's fire personified. Blue pours everything she has into that kiss - all of her passion, her pent up sexual frustration, every dirty thought, every wet dream she's ever had. Gansey is caught off-guard and he stumbles back, choking out a muffled sound of surprise against her lips, but he soon steadies himself and wraps his arms around her waist.
He responds with the same intensity and the world narrows down to just the two of them. Everything else is a background thought. His lips, his hands, the soft texture of his hair, his breath in her mouth - that's all that matters.
She barely remembers Penelope by the time they break apart.
Blue looks at him, awestruck and dazed, sinking deeper into some invisible and impenetrable fog. This whole scheme seems more and more like the best and worst thing she's ever done.
They stare at each other, both a little out of breath, both a little confused. Gansey looks bewildered. Hopeful. Blue feels like she should say something or do something but when she opens her mouth, nothing comes out. It doesn't matter anyway because Gansey looks up over her head, sees Penelope sitting at one of the booths, and understanding dawns on him. His face falls and Blue's stomach drops. She realizes, on an instinctive level, that she's messed up somehow but she doesn't know how and no apologies come to her lips.
Regardless of this one misstep, it's alarmingly easy to fall into habits with Gansey. There is none of the awkwardness that she expected when she agreed to this plan - it's all just effortless. He picks her up from school sometimes and she calls him at night, talking on the phone for hours. They study or read together, comfortable in their silence, then watch a movie afterwards.
Everything they've already been doing. Blue is startled to realize that dating Gansey looks very much like being friends with Gansey. The only thing that changes is that he greets her with kisses in front of their friends and holds her hand in the car. She almost starts expecting him to do it even when they're alone.
And that's a problem, Blue knows, because this will only last until Halloween. She's getting too comfortable in their fake relationship and it will come back to bite her in the ass later. It's hard to remember that, though, when Gansey sits close enough for her to be drowning in his presence.
Like now, for example. There's only a few days left before Halloween and the six of them are out getting pizza together. Blue, however, can't focus on the conversation. Gansey sits by her side and this fact occupies most of her thoughts.
He smells good. The place where his arm is touching hers is tingling. The sideway glances he sometimes steals at her make her stomach flip. Blue can't look away from him when he talks or when he doesn't talk. She's constantly biting down on her lip as a way to discipline herself.
She turns to her plate to take a bite of her mostly untouched pizza but Henry catches her eye. He gives her a sly smile; Noah, besides him, looks amused. Both of their expressions say, "I see you." Blue supposes she must seem a bit lovestruck but that's okay since she's supposed to.
Still, she rolls her eyes at them and Henry chuckles. At the sound, Gansey turns his attention towards them so Blue quickly busies herself eating but Henry, of course, wouldn't be Henry if he let it be.
"Your girl is basically undressing you with her eyes, you know. You got her good, Richardman."
"I am not his girl," Blue growls immediately, a defense mechanism.
Gansey only raises his eyebrows at Henry, almost impassively, before turning to Blue. His eyes narrow in an unspoken question.
Blue shrugs. She hopes the gesture is nonchalant enough but Gansey keeps his gaze trained on her and she can feel it lingering even as she turns back to her plate. It burns her skin; it unhinges her and thrills her. She wants him to look away and she doesn't. She wants everything and nothing at the same time.
When she glances back at him, out of the corner of her eye, Gansey looks thoughtful. Something dangerous glints at the corners of his eyes and her stomach jumps in excitement. Or dread. She can't help feeling like he knows exactly what she's been doing - staring at him, admiring him, always moving in harmony with him so they would be as close as possible. He's noticed and he's not sure what to make of it.
Say something. Do something. Don't ignore me.
Don't say anything. Pretend it didn't happen.
Blue's living in two opposite ends of extremes. She doesn't know what she wants most or if that's in synch with what she needs most.
Then Gansey's hand lands on her leg. Blue's sharp intake of breath is audible. She faces him fully but he's back to fiddling with his own plate, acting like everything's normal. At least for the untrained eye, it would seem that way. But Blue knows Gansey and she sees the touch of uncertainty in his eyes, the tense in his brow, the vibrating danger in the set of his mouth. He doesn't move his hand, gauging her reaction even as he's not looking at her. Trying to decide if he should retreat or press forward.
Blue faintly touches his hand, feeling energy spark between them, then pulls back. She didn't expect this. Not from Gansey, not in a million years. That doesn't mean she doesn't like it.
Gansey, encouraged by her silent answer, presses forward. He strokes her leg, his touch feather light, his movements slow. Sensual. Blue shudders even through the fabric of her dress, and wants more, wants less. She's glad her dress is between them and she curses it at the same time. Opposite ends of extremes. Impossible to know what she wants.
All she knows is that she's breathing too heavily for touches so innocent, and sooner or later, somebody will notice. Then Gansey slips his hand all the way down to her knee, uncovered by her dress, and Blue stops caring. Skin on skin, that's all she knows. Slowly, she closes her eyes, while Gansey thumbs circles on her knee. When he slides his hand up again, it goes under her dress.
Blue bites back a gasp. His hand is smooth on her leg and it's taking everything in her not to fall back against her seat and beg for more. This is crazy, it's senseless, but Blue doesn't think once about stopping him.
Mercifully, - or perhaps, pitifully - he only goes just an inch above her knee, stopping at a respectful distance away from her panties, and then pulling away altogether after a few lazy strokes.
The absence of his hand leaves an unpleasant cold behind and Blue doesn't even bother to open her eyes. If she keeps them closed, she can still feel the ghost of his touch on her skin, and it makes her want to stay in this fantasy moment forever. If she keeps them closed, she doesn't have to confront reality and realize how truly screwed she is.
"Ahem," Ronan says.
Blue opens her eyes and looks around the table. They're all watching her: Ronan with repulsion, Adam, Noah and Henry with amusement. And Gansey with a quiet, shy hope.
Blue's too confused to let that slide - she decides they need to talk. That kiss at Nino's wasn't nothing. Stroking her leg under the table wasn't nothing. And her feelings for him aren't nothing.
She's not sure what she's expecting of this talk but definitely some kind of conclusion, at least. She needs to come clean with him before Halloween, and unless she's being crazy, he does too. She doesn't think she's being crazy. She doesn't think she's projecting.
He stroked her leg.
When Blue arrives at Monmouth, Ronan opens the door.
"He's in the shower," Ronan tells her as he puts on his coat. "And I think I better go before you two lovebirds start making eyes at each other again."
Blue allows him to leave without a word, too anxious to squabble with Ronan right now. Too anxious to stand still even. She paces back and forth, wringing her hands. She abruptly plops down on the couch then just as abruptly stands up.
Walking over to Gansey's desk, she inspects the mess. His belongings are in a state of disarray as usual – maps, journals, notebooks, a biography on Glendower, a pair of glasses. And his mint plant, of course. To do something with her hands, she grabs one of his notebooks and pages through it.
His history notes stare back at her, decorated by his artistic little doodles – some flowers, some stars, adorable small animals, and tiny human faces. A smile plays on Blue's lips. The sight inexplicably calms her. The drawings are charming, delicate, far more precise than her own. It gives her a small insight to Gansey's mind.
She turns the pages, just flicking through them absentmindedly, but stops when something catches her eye. Her nickname. Jane, written in Gansey's loose curving script on top of a page, accompanied by three small hearts. Her own heart stops for a second then restarts twice as fast as before.
Swallowing, she runs her fingers over the letters, her eyes glued to the page. This, too, isn't nothing.
Quickly, she closes the notebook and steps away from his desk. She needs air. Or Gansey.
But she can still hear water rushing from the bathroom which means he's not finished yet. She stands awkwardly in the middle of the room, trying to decide what to do, when the first small moan reaches her ears.
At first, she thinks she's misheard it. Hallucinated it. But it comes again and in the silence, it's impossible to miss. Someone is moaning. In the bathroom. That someone is Gansey.
Blue releases a slow breath, eyes on the kitchen/bathroom/laundry door. Heart beating loudly in her chest, she takes a small step forward. Turn around, Blue Sargent, she tells herself, turn around now and walk away. But she knows what Gansey is doing in there and she doesn't.
She walks very slowly to the door and when she reaches it, she stops. Tries to remember what she thinks she's doing or how wrong this is but instead of coming to her senses and leaving, she puts her ear against the wood and listens. She hears him moan again, low and throaty and beautiful, and her mouth goes dry at the sound. The small gasp she makes is drowned out by the sound of running water and her own pulse throbbing in her ears.
Gansey has a nice voice with an almost hypnotic touch when he's telling a story. It's no surprise he sounds just as magical moaning as he does when talking. Still, it throws her off guard and makes her want to press her legs together. She leans her back against the door and closes her eyes, one of her hands pressed against her chest. She wants to stay here and listen to him forever.
Forgetting all sense of right and wrong, she lets herself go. She imagines she's the one making him sound like this, that she's there in the shower with him, naked, droplets of water running down their bodies, standing too close to each other to breathe properly. She imagines she's holding his cock, stroking it slowly the way he had stroked her legs. Then she would go down on her knees for him, wrap her lips around him, make him moan her name like he's doing it right now. He would grab a fistful of her hair, pull it wildly, lean his head back against the cold tiles, exposing the delicate column of his neck, and she would watch, see as his throat moved while he swallowed, see him unravel in front of her. See the bliss on his face, the slightly parted mouth, the disheveled wet hair, and feel him gently rock his hips against her as he held onto her head and fucked her mouth.
Blue opens her eyes. Lost in her fantasies, she didn't immediately register the fact that he really is moaning her name in the shower. It's not just in her mind. He's thinking about her, he's imagining the same things she is -
And that just makes it all too real.
She pulls her hands out of her shorts and pushes away from the door. She should not be doing this. She stumbles towards the door, mouth slightly ajar, still clutching at her chest, and so so wet. Gansey crying out her name is seared into her brain, playing on loop, though she can't decide if it's her own mind playing tricks or if he keeps moaning it. She needs to go.
She's breathing heavily, her body begging her to march into that bathroom and make both herself and Gansey feel good.
She ignores it. She needs to go. And she needs to get herself off.
Two cups of coffee, one masturbation, and several hours later, Blue is still thinking about Gansey. He keeps sneaking into her thoughts as she tries to do her homework, prodding at her subconscious, making it difficult to concentrate on anything. He refuses to be ignored and Blue refuses to give up.
Still, she can't forget Gansey moaning her name.
With a disgusted sigh, Blue pushes her books away and looks around her room disdainfully. Lit only by her desk lamp, everything is dark and quiet. Her thoughts are the opposite: loud, turbulent, churning wildly. Gansey, Gansey, Gansey.
She sighs again, this time in surrender, as she reaches for her phone.
Wanna go somewhere? she texts him quickly before she can dwell on it. This is their thing – going somewhere remote to escape the world for a while, or just endlessly driving nowhere. They would talk or not talk, depending on their mood, but they would always be comfortable in each other's presence.
The words, however, have a dangerous meaning now.
Still, she needs to see him. Both conversation and silence have always come easy with Gansey and she needs that right now.
His answer buzzes in shortly after she sends the text. I'll be there in 10.
They end up at one of their regular spots under the stars with Henrietta's lights sparkling in front of them. It's dark and Blue is grateful because her cheeks are still colored a faint pink from earlier. She had forgotten herself: when Gansey arrived at her house, she opened the door and leaned in to peck his lips without thinking. He immediately went red, opening and closing his mouth like a fish, and Blue, seeing his embarrassment, realized her slip up. They were alone then and there was no need for her to greet him like that but instincts took over.
Blushing herself, Blue hurried to explain but she tripped over her words, unlike herself.
"I'm sorry, it's just habits, you know, I mean - I didn't mean -"
"It's alright," Gansey interrupted her, waving a hand. He was still red but he was obviously trying to compose himself and Blue followed example. "It's alright, no need to explain."
And then they were off but her blush wouldn't go away. The whole drive she kept thinking about how easily she let herself fall into this routine with him and how embarrassed he seemed when she kissed him. With an uncomfortable feeling in her chest, she wondered if she'd read his signals wrong.
Blue shakes her head and focuses on Gansey next to her. They are laying on an old patchwork quilt Gansey placed on the ground, scarcely talking. The forest behind them is quiet. Thunder booms in the distance every now and then and it's probably going to rain soon but she doesn't want to move from this spot until it does. She'd feel almost peaceful if not for the confusion of the past few days.
"How is your costume coming along?" Blue asks.
"I have it already," he tells her, adjusting his glasses. He rests his hand between them and Blue stares at it intently. The thought occurs to her that it's probably the same hand he used when he jerked off to her.
Blue swallows and imagines the scene once more. Gansey, in the shower, one hand braced on the tiles, the other gripping himself tightly. The muscles on his back shifting as he moves his hand over his cock -
"How about you?"
"Uhm..." She shakes her head. What are they talking about? "Oh yes, me too."
She says nothing else, too distracted by trying not to be distracted. Try as she might, her mind is not in the present.
"So about Halloween," Gansey begins and Blue's eyes snap up to him immediately. She pushes herself up to a sitting position and hopes she doesn't look too eager or anxious. Gansey follows her example so that now they're sitting crossed legs in front of each other. It reminds her of sitting like this on the floor of Monmouth, attempting to kiss for the first time.
He clears his throat and looks down at the blanket. "We're sticking to the plan, right? We're going to break up?"
Blue nods slowly. They agreed that doing it on the Halloween party would spare them the trouble of having to tell everyone later.
"Yes," she says, voice small.
Still avoiding her eyes, Gansey asks, equally quiet, "Do you know what you want to tell them when they ask why?"
She shrugs. "We'll figure something out." She doesn't really want to think or talk about this right now. Her stomach feels like lead and it hurts to swallow.
He nods and finally looks up at her. His expression is tentative and bittersweet. Slowly, he slides his hand towards hers resting by her side, and when their little fingers touch, he stops. Blue looks at their hands then at him. He's watching her uncertainly and his face could tell her a thousand secrets if she was in her right mind to decipher them. A soft sound escapes her mouth and she looks down again, hooking her little finger into his. They are just barely touching but Blue feels electrified. Her heart beats too fast like it wants to run away. She's on fire.
"Jane, I -"
He pauses, his eyes flitting away, but Blue leans forward, their faces almost touching.
Her voice is soft, barely audible when she speaks. "Yes?"
He looks at her, eyes full of emotion, and Blue knows without a doubt what he's about to say.
"I -"
An ear-splitting crash interrupts him before he can finish it and they both flinch, jumping apart. It starts to rain, and only then does Blue realize that the noise was thunder. They both rush to get the blanket from the ground and head for the shelter of the Camaro but by the time they get inside they're drenched by the sudden heavy rain. Blue groans low in her throat, wiping droplets away from her face, combing a hand through her wet hair.
She looks at Gansey. Immediately, she sees that his courage has left him. Hair and clothes dripping, he busies himself by cleaning his glasses and holding it away from him to inspect it. He wouldn't look at her.
Blue holds back a bitter smile. The moment is gone and she decides not to go chasing after it.
Yet, as Gansey heads back towards 300 Fox Way, Blue shakes her head and tells him, "Take me to Monmouth."
He gives her a questioning glance and she shrugs noncommittally. They don't speak and he follows her instructions.
Ronan is absent and Noah is either already in bed or absent too. It's late and she's tired. She wants to stay here and sleep in his bed, surrounded by his scent. Gansey silently hands her a worn bed shirt - his, obviously; her heart thumps loudly - and gestures towards his bed.
"You can sleep in my bed, I'll sleep in Ronan's room."
"Oh no, I couldn't in good conscience put you through that. Come on."
She reaches for his hand and begins to tug him towards his bed. He puts up little to no resistance and when she falls onto the soft mattress, exhausted, he only hesitates for a second. Blue pulls on his hand again and he complies, getting into bed with her.
They don't speak. She presses her back against his chest; he's warm and comforting. His arm tentatively wraps around her waist and she rests her hand on top of his as encouragement. His breath stirs the soft baby hairs on the back of her neck. She can feel his pulse in his wrist - it's a little faster than normal.
She's in his bed, wearing his shirt, laying with him by her side. She could drown in this moment and in him. She wants to.
They fall asleep like that, holding onto each other like lovers, and pretending it could last for more than one night.
Blue knows right away that she's not in her own bed and it only takes her another second to figure out that she's in Gansey's. It's his smell that gives it away first. Mint. Everywhere.
Then she shifts and becomes aware of several things at once: their legs tangled together, Gansey's hair tickling her skin, and something hard pressing against her thigh. Blue jerks in surprise, her body registering what it is before her mind does and growing excited at the discovery. Her brain soon catches up as well and Blue's mouth forms a small o when she realizes that what she's feeling is Gansey's morning erection.
Shit, she curses silently or perhaps she even says it aloud. She's wide awake now. Gansey being hard is one thing but she's wet too and she doesn't see this situation ending well for either one of them unless he miraculously confesses his feelings for her then fucks her in his bed.
But Blue comes to the sudden realization that she's not sure if she wants that. She's not sure she could gamble away their friendship on something so precarious as "dating". The best decision she could make is leave, now, and let this burgeoning thing between die with their fake break up. Her body refuses to cooperate, though - it wants more.
She lets her eyes flutter closed and tries not to remember Gansey in the shower yesterday. Tries but fails. It's all she sees in her mind. She relives the memory of how he sounded when he was coming and she feels his cock pressing against her - everything is too tempting.
She should go. Just get up and quietly slip out before Gansey notices. The intention is there but when she moves, she pushes back into him instead and rubs her thigh against his cock. It's not on purpose, it's an impulse. Same as the whisper of his name that escapes her mouth like a lover's sigh of pleasure in bed.
Blue immediately feels embarrassed but Gansey is thankfully still sleeping. At least until she really makes a move to get up and tries to entangle herself from his embrace - he wakes up then, groggy, disoriented, mumbling. She winces. This will be awkward. But she's had her chance to go and she didn't take it. So she turns around and faces him as he yawns, probably not yet aware of his own predicament. Their faces are closer than she expected and her heart jumps in her chest. He's close enough to kiss.
"Hi," she whispers, ignoring the urge to greet him differently.
"Good morning," he says.
She can pinpoint the exact moment he realizes he's hard. His eyes go wide and his mouth opens but he says nothing and just swallows in embarrassment. It's clear that he's not just ashamed but panicking - his mind shutting down, his body numb, not functioning properly.
She wouldn't stop herself from reaching out to him even if she could - she strokes his cheek and gives him a smile, hoping to convey as much reassurance as she could.
"It's alright," she tells him, voice soft. "It's not your fault."
Gansey grimaces but nods slowly. His body doesn't exactly relax but he's not frozen anymore which is a small progress.
"I should go," she continues and hopes that he gets, from the tone of her voice, that she's not mad or upset with him. He nods again and yet neither of them move. He holds her in place with his eyes, stripping away all of her defenses.
"I'm sorry," he says at last, and she's glad to hear that he sounds more composed. "I didn't mean to -" he trails off, shrugging.
"It's okay," she repeats. Her hand still rests on his cheek and she doesn't want to move it. She presses her fingertips into his skin and gently rubs circles into it until Gansey's hand comes up and wraps around hers, stilling her movements. He looks at her with a fire she knows she's mirroring. Blue swallows. They both move in at the same time.
It's instant explosions. Their lips meet and Blue gets sucked under the current that is Gansey. She floats in it and learns how to swim. Her fingers slip into his hair and pull him closer. His hand whispers over her back, curling into her shirt, - his, actually - accidentally pulling the material higher and exposing more of her legs. Blue's soft sounds of pleasure are constantly swallowed up by Gansey's mouth.
This kiss is different from their first or their second. This kiss - this one tastes like want. Burning raw desire. They kiss and kiss and kiss for what seems like hours, barely breaking apart for air, then instantly going back for more. When Blue pushes Gansey on his back and straddles his waist, he doesn't even look surprised.
Blue breathes heavily for a moment, questioning what she's doing. She stares down at Gansey's disheveled hair, heaving chest, dark eyes blown wide with lust, and marvels at how they are all her doing. He makes no moves to stop her. He's still quite obviously hard - she can feel it more prominently from this position - and she wonders what it would be like to roll her hips against his and rub herself against him. There's so little between them - just underwear and night shirts.
Gansey's hand teases the ends of her shirt. Then he pushes himself up on his elbows and kisses her neck, making Blue sigh softly. She tilts her head to give him better access; he sucks on her skin with an intensity that will leave hickeys but Blue is far past the point of caring.
"Gansey," she moans and something ignites in him. He pulls away to look at her and she can see him burning before her. He searches her eyes, looking for the answer of an unspoken question, and when he finds it, he grabs the edges of her sleep shirt and pulls. He doesn't take it off, just pushes it high enough to expose her chest, and kisses the valley between her breasts. Blue trembles. It feels amazing and she wants more - she wants him to move his head and kiss one of her nipples.
He hears her silent prayer - his mouth captures one soft tip, his hand covering the other. Blue digs her hand into his hair to hold onto something, and just as she lets a weak whimper escape her, the door suddenly opens and Ronan comes in.
"Dick, are you - oh! Oh, fuck, my eyes!"
Gansey pulls away from her in an instant and Blue quickly pulls her shirt back down. Gansey looks mortified, covering his eyes. Blue feels frustrated with Ronan and frustrated sexually.
"Why are you two - Christ." Ronan forcefully rubs his fingers against his eyes. "I need to wash my eyes with bleach and bathe in holy water for a week."
"You should have knocked, Ronan," Blue hisses, feeling no sympathy for him. Gansey is beet red and pulling up all of his walls. Blue can almost hear the sound they make as they fall into place. It could have been easy, they could have talked about it after - instead it'll be awkward and uncomfortable now. Ronan ruined everything.
"You're in the living room!" Ronan exclaims, a fact that Blue had completely forgotten about. "This is why you need an actual room, man."
"We're sorry, Ronan," Gansey manages to say, avoiding everyone's eyes. "I promise it won't happen again."
Ronan smiles wryly.
"Don't worry, Dick, after this I'll probably never step foot in Monmouth again anyway."
Blue doesn't see Gansey again until Halloween. She doesn't know if he's avoiding her or if she's avoiding him or it's a mere coincidence, but communication is sparse between them for the next few days. She has a lot of things to do: three different jobs, – Nino's, dog walking, gardening - school, helping out with readings at home, and catching up with her favorite television, to name a few.
She doesn't see much of the other boys either but Noah drops by and eagerly asks her about Gansey whenever they meet. Blue blushes every time which he takes as a good sign. But for the most part, she tries not think about Gansey. Or about the make out session they had the day Ronan interrupted them. Or about Gansey's lips on her breasts. She doesn't think about it at all.
Especially not at night, no.
Blue exhales slowly as she looks around, surveying the colorful costumes. Gansey is still nowhere to be found but the night is young. He'll be here - they have matching costumes and they are scheduled to break up today. He has to show up.
Blue feels a bit nauseous. She doesn't know if she's dreading or looking forward to seeing Gansey.
"What's the matter, Agent?" Henry says when Blue tunes out of the conversation for the third time that night. Her thoughts keep distracting her from everything else. "Worried your partner is off chasing E.T. without you?"
Blue rolls her eyes at Henry who's dressed up as Elvis Presley.
"I just have a lot on my mind," she says dismissively and hopes no one asks for specifics because she can't very well be honest with them. In truth, she's worried about what's going to happen tonight and how it will affect her friendship with Gansey. She's worried because she doesn't want this fake relationship to end but she's scared to make it real as well. She's worried because tonight could make or break things.
She takes a sip from her glass and tries to focus on what her friends are saying but her attention is already slipping. Thankfully, she doesn't have time to space out again because not only a minute later two strong arms wrap around her waist and the smell of mint assaults her nose. Gansey.
She lets her eyes close and leans back against him. Just for a moment. His lips hover dangerously close to her neck and Blue finds herself hoping he will kiss it. But he doesn't and the moment ends when she opens her eyes and faces reality. Gansey greets everyone, then whispers, just to her, "Can we talk?"
She catches his eyes just for a second then nods. There's a lump in her throat. He takes her hand as they weave their way through the crowd but drops it immediately when they find a quiet empty room, almost like he's been burned. He turns to look at her. Blue feels the pit of despair in her stomach deepen.
"You look great," he begins. It's a ridiculous thing to say because she's dressed in a suit complete with a fake FBI badge, and the outfit isn't meant to be flattering. But Gansey looks at her like he means it, and Blue blushes despite herself.
"Thank you."
She glances up at him; he's shifting nervously on his feet and trying to look brave. He looks kinda nice too. Formal wear suits him.
She smiles softly. Her voice is quiet. "So do you."
Gansey barely returns her smile before his expression grows serious again. He rubs his lower lip with his thumb, a telltale sign of contemplation or nerves.
"So we're going to do it?" he asks, uncertain.
Blue swallows. "Now? So soon?"
"Might as well."
She nods slowly and takes a step closer to him. "Yeah, I guess so."
She walks closer; Gansey watches her advance with unreadable eyes, keeping still. She's not sure what she's doing but she doesn't stop until she's inches away from him, their foreheads almost touching. Her breath comes out in slow puffs and lands on his face. They hold each other's gaze, silent for several seconds. There's a storm churning in Gansey's eyes, speaking of something anxious and powerful, and she almost wants to shy away from the intensity of it.
She doesn't let herself look away or close her eyes, though.
"So we'll go outside and you'll say something stupid –"
"I'll say something stupid?"
"Sorry, you're right. It's not fair to put this just on you. Alright, we'll - we'll start arguing and I'll tell you it's over – or you can, if you want to – and that will be it."
Gansey nods. "That sounds reasonable."
They still haven't looked away from each other. Say something, Blue screams at him, and at herself too, in her head. But he doesn't, he won't, and every time Blue thinks she found the perfect thing to say, it flits away from her just as fast.
They're better than this. She doesn't shy away from confrontation. Gansey always has something to say.
But she sighs softly and looks down, finally breaking eye contact. She instinctively knows that the window to speak up and change things closed with that.
She hears Gansey exhaling and then he says, "Jane, I just want to say... it was quite an experience to be your boyfriend."
Blue smiles at the ground, a bitter curve of her lips. She says nothing as she turns around and leads the way outside.
Afterwards, Blue escapes outside to catch some fresh air. Clear her thoughts. Restart her heart. Her hands are shaking a bit but she blames it on the cold October night. Her thoughts are dulled and murky, her brain stuck on replays of the moments before. But those, too, are blurry which she's grateful for. It doesn't seem real that way.
Noah follows after her and sits down on the bench next to her. He says nothing for a long time and Blue is content to simply watch the trees sway in the dark. It's almost peaceful if she blocks out the music coming from inside, jarring in contrast to the perfect stillness of the night.
"What happened?" Noah asks at last, voice quiet.
Blue shrugs. It turns out that she still has absolutely no idea what to say.
Later, she tells Noah and Henry everything. She thinks about telling Adam but it seems silly to bother him when she sees the circles under his eyes, and she thinks about telling Ronan but she doubts he would offer anything besides a few mean-spirited remarks, let alone some valuable advice.
Noah and Henry sit through her story in silence until Blue runs out of things to say. Then she lets out a long breath and leans back against the booth. She looks at the boys expectantly. It felt good to finally let it all out and she wonders why she hasn't been honest in the first place. She hopes they can give her some sound advice, at least, because she's at a loss to how to fix things.
Noah is the first to speak. "I can't believe it was all fake." He shakes his head incredulously and then looks at Henry who's chewing on his lip thoughtfully.
"Don't look at me, I certainly didn't expect this either. It looked real to me."
Noah nods.
"I, for one, always thought you two liked each other," Henry goes on, pointing a finger at Blue. "Are you sure you're not just pulling our legs here, Sargent? If so, congratulations on that very elaborate story."
Blue raises her eyebrows. "I'm sure, Henry. Did you really think that?"
"Yes," Noah and Henry say at the same time.
Blue considers this for a second. "But Gansey is my best friend."
"So what?"
"So what? He's my best friend."
"Right. But he can be your best friend and your boyfriend, you know."
She shakes her head. "But I didn't like Gansey before."
"Are you sure?" Henry asks with so much seriousness that Blue has to pause and rethink everything once more.
She sputters. "Well..."
"See, you're not sure!"
"I suppose I'm not completely sure. But I didn't think I liked him before."
She thinks of all the nights they spent texting until the dead of the night, every time they went for a drive, talking for hours, every time she called him when she just needed to talk to someone. She thinks about how she feels completely calm in his presence, how she knows she could trust him with anything, how they understand each other better than anyone else. She knows him and she knows his imperfections and she loves him all the more for it.
She clearly feels something for Gansey. But is all of that the consequence of her feelings for him or did she start falling for him because of the way they were? Which came first?
One thing is for certain: the beginning of their fake relationship was not the beginning of her feelings for him. They were there before, even if she couldn't pinpoint their origins.
She shakes her head in despair and the look she gives Noah and Henry is almost accusatory. "Why did none of you tell me then?"
"We thought you knew!"
"I can't believe you didn't know," Henry chuckles but sobers up quickly when Blue continues to sit there, stunned to silence. He leans forward and pats Blue's hand on the table. The gesture is more patronizing than reassuring though, and Blue growls, yanking her hand away.
"Hey, I'm trying to help! It's still not too late, you know."
"But what if he's like me and didn't realize he liked me? What if he still doesn't?"
"Oh, I think he knows now."
Blue makes a sound that's not quite a sigh and not quite a groan. They're not being too helpful. She looks up to the ceiling, feeling strange, desperate, and stupid.
"So what am I supposed to do now?"
"You should tell him how you feel," Noah says with absolute confidence. A dreamy smile sits on his face. "It'd make for a very romantic story to tell your grandchildren."
"Noah, please." Blue rolls her eyes but the gesture is fond.
Henry grins at Noah and Blue watches them, realizing that they're not quite aware of her presence anymore. She lets her thoughts wander as well, coming up with a million possible outcomes of her confessing her feelings to Gansey - not all of them good but some of them quite good. Some of them more than good. It's unsettling to realize that she's nervous.
Quietly, just to herself, she says, "I just don't want to ruin our friendship."
But it's already ruined.
Gansey is avoiding her. This time it's clear he is. He still answers her texts and they hang out with the group but if it's just the two of them he always seems to have some other urgent matter to tend to. There's an awkward coldness between them that she's not used to. Her heart feels icy.
Now, he sits at a corner table in Nino's, a book in his hand. They talked briefly when she took his order but she had to get back to work. He didn't look like he minded.
He's alone but she has no doubt that others will soon show up or he wouldn't be here. As she cleans a table close to him, she lets herself watch him for a moment, her eyes hungrily drinking in all of the little details: the way he sits perfectly straight in his seat, the way his hair falls to his forehead, the way his fingers rest on the book spine, the small frown he wears, the crease in his forehead. His eyes skim the lines far too quickly to be truly reading. She wonders what's bothering him and she wonders if it's her or if she's being self-important.
Then he turns to look at her and her breath gets stuck in her throat. She waves, accompanied by a tight-lipped smile. He waves back, uncertainly, and before she could make the decision to go over and talk to him, someone plops down in the booth in front of him.
Penelope.
Blue's stomach jumps. The other girl gives him an unmistakably flirty smile, and as much as Blue knows Gansey is not interested, it hurts her to watch. She's not sure she has any right to feel possessive but she does and she knows she has to go before she loses her self-control. It wouldn't be pretty.
Blue turns away, aching, and walks over to another table to take their order.
Blue sits at her desk, her history notes open at a random page in front of her, her phone in her hand and her eyes glued to the screen. It's the picture Henry has taken of them uploaded to Instagram. She's not sure how she ended up at it. She didn't deliberately set out to find it. And yet.
Blue watches the photo and determines, one more time, that it does look like an intimate moment caught between lovers. She doesn't think either of them are that good an actor.
She sighs. Her hands twitch. She puts down the phone, looks back at her notebook, then picks her phone up again. She clicks away from the picture and stares at Gansey's name in her contacts. She puts the phone down one more time but picks it up just as fast and sends him a text.
Let's go somewhere?
He doesn't answer. At least not immediately which is unlike Gansey. He could be busy, he may not have heard his phone, he could be sleeping - or he could be avoiding her. Her stomach contracts painfully at the possibility that it's the last one. When half an hour passes and he still doesn't answer, she makes her choice in a split of a second. She has to go see him.
Blue never even entertained the idea that he was not home but as she knocks on the door for the second time, it occurs to her that he might be out. Not with Penelope, she hopes, then immediately shakes her head. That's a ridiculous thought.
She raises her hand to knock again but the door opens and Gansey stands there with bleary eyes, disheveled hair, and wearing pajamas. She notices, with her heart skipping a beat, that it's the same shirt he's given to her when she slept here.
"Uhm, hey," she says lamely.
"Hey, Jane," he says and he seems too sleepy to act withdrawn like he has been since Halloween. That works well in her favor even if she feels mildly guilty for planning to take advantage of the situation.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."
He says nothing, just looks at her curiously. She wonders for a second if he's even going to invite her in. But then he steps back from the door and gestures for her to come in, closing the door behind her.
There's a beat of awkward silence and then she scrambles to say, "I texted you, earlier. I thought you were avoiding me."
Gansey sits down on the couch. Wearily, he rubs his forehead. Blue remains standing, feeling too jittery to sit.
"I was just sleeping, Jane."
"But you have been avoiding me," she says with an edge.
Up until then, Blue didn't realize she was angry with him, but now, saying it out loud, the accusation is clear in her tone. It's an ugly black feeling of inadequacy. She realizes she does resent him for it a little.
When he opens his mouth, she goes on, "Don't deny it."
He closes it. She can see his facade slipping away by the minute. His expression goes from fake nonchalance to sorrow. Guilt.
"You're right," he admits quietly. "I know that's not fair to you. You didn't do anything wrong."
"Then why won't you talk to me?"
He shrugs, avoiding her eyes. The urge to kneel down in front of him and make him look at her is strong.
"I guess I needed to sort through my feelings. I needed to," Gansey pauses. His heavy sigh is one of defeat before a big confession. "I needed to get over you. It was hard seeing you and remembering what it was like to be - to be with you."
Blue swallows. She can feel her anger fading remarkably fast. Her heart's beating too quickly. There are a thousand little butterflies dancing in her stomach - it's an odd feeling.
"What are you saying?"
Gansey looks up at her. "You know what I'm saying."
Blue chews on her lip, then exclaims, desperately, "You're my best friend!"
"And you're mine."
"Promise me that won't change."
He nods but uncertainly. Blue knows he's confused as to what she's trying to say, so following her earlier instinct, she walks to him and kneels down. She prefers actions over words and it's easier to just show him.
They are at about eye level, and up close, she can easily see the extent of Gansey's nervousness. She smiles softly. Her hands cradle his face, feeling the warmth of it under her palm. His wide eyes never leave hers. She whispers his name once, like a prayer to a forgotten God, then leans in and kisses him.
Their fourth kiss – she's been counting. It feels realer than any before.
It's soft, sweet, and romantic. Intimate and warm. Everything a first kiss should be. Gansey kisses her with hesitancy that slowly turns into a deep sense of devotion. Blue kisses back with certainty that turns into a good kind of vulnerability. It feels impossible to imagine she hasn't always known that she wants this. Wants him.
She breaks away, breathing him in, their foreheads pressed against each other's. Her lips touch his for a second but not in a kiss - just to feel it again.
"I want it to be real this time," she whispers because the moment feels too sacred to speak loudly.
He swallows and for a moment she's fascinated by the way his throat moves. "Me too."
She laughs, a happy little sound. "Okay, good."
She kisses him again. There's a lot of kissing after that. She kisses his mouth and jaw and shoulders and nipples. He kisses her neck and ear and stomach and knees.
He's kissing her panties when Ronan walks in.
"Oh, Jesus Christ, not again."
Blue groans, low in her throat. One of these days, she's going to throw Ronan out the window.
Gansey pushes himself up and away from her, and though he's blushing, he looks more composed than the last time. Blue sits up and pulls her skirt down. Thankfully, she's clothed and there isn't a lot that needs to be covered.
"Why? Why? What did I ever do? Didn't you two break up anyway?"
Gansey levels him with an unimpressed look. "Ronan."
"Oh, don't start that. This is our living room. You said it wouldn't happen again. This is on you, not me."
Blue rolls her eyes, unwilling to apologize, but Gansey sighs and says, "You're right. We got caught up in - making up, I suppose, and I apologize."
"Right. Well. I'm staying at Parrish's tonight. I don't want to," he gestures around, "hear this."
He sighs like a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders and turns around. But before he leaves, he adds, "At least do it on your bed, Gansey, man. It would be a pain in the ass to clean that couch."
As soon as he leaves, Blue bursts out laughing. She's not sure why she's laughing exactly but she's happy and content and that should be enough.
Gansey smiles at her adoringly. "I suppose we weren't naked, at least."
She snorts through her laughter and covers her mouth with her hand to quieten her giggles. She hasn't felt this light in weeks.
Leaning over, she presses a kiss to Gansey's hair. "I think Ronan is traumatized for life anyway. But I'm not sorry."
She captures his mouth again in a soft and delicate kiss, reveling in the feeling of it. How easy it is. How she could do this whenever she wanted. She smiles against his mouth.
When they break apart, he wraps an arm around her shoulders and she nestles herself against his sleep shirt. It faintly smells like her and her heart feels funny at the discovery. Screw butterflies, there's a whole damn zoo in her stomach now.
She laughs again, prompting Gansey to pat her hair.
"I like it when you laugh," he says, a smile dancing on his lips. A warm feeling starts in her chest and spreads to her whole body. It feels a lot like love.
"I like it when you smile," she answers, tenderly touching her hand to his mouth. He kisses it and she lets out a happy sigh, thinking that there really isn't a better combination than your best friend being your boyfriend.
if you made it this far, thanks, you're a champ