The disclaimer telling you I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters has just jumped out a window. Just some madness rambling through my brain.
A Call For Sanity During The Economic Crisis
"Hello out there all you folks in TV Land!" Pietro smiled at the camera. "This is a special edition of the BMZ! This is our in depth review of today's economic crisis. We're going to do a hard hitting review of the conditions that led to the fall on Wall Street and an in depth exploration of the current fiscal condition."
Then he started to laugh. "I'm just kidding! We're just gonna rant about stuff! It sounded pretty official didn't it? Fooled ya!"
"We'd like to start off the show with a segment we call 'Why Did Mommy And Daddy's Stockbroker Jump Out The Window?'" Pietro said. Behind him was a cartoon of a little man in a business suit falling out a window. "Here's an in depth report explaining how we got into this mess, is our roving correspondent Avalanche! Take it away!"
"Thanks Quicksilver!" Lance was inside a large candy store. "For our younger viewers who don't quite understand what's going on, we've prepared a little demonstration to give you all an idea of what happened. This is a large candy store. There are people who work at this large candy store who buy and sell candy."
"Hello there! I am the President and CEO of this large candy store!" Fred popped up wearing a suit behind the counter.
"Some of our regular viewers who have been paying attention over the years can probably figure out where this is going," Lance smirked. "For those of you who haven't Blob…"
"YUM! YUM! YUM!" Fred munched down on all the candy.
"This guy eats almost as fast as Quicksilver when he wants to," Lance blinked.
"YUM! YUM! YUM!" Fred finished up the candy. "Tasty too."
"And you know what happens when people like the Blob are left in charge of a candy store?" Lance asked in the tone of Mr. Rodgers.
"YUM! YUM! YUM!"
"No more candy," Lance said.
"Uh oh," Fred blinked at the empty shelves. "This could be a problem."
"That's right Blob. You can't sell any more candy because you ate it all. And because you can't sell candy, your company isn't worth a plug nickel." Lance said.
"Not necessarily!" Pyro called out. "If he has insurance and a box of matches…"
"PYRO! SHUT UP! Now imagine if you will there are about forty to fifty Blobs in nearly every major candy store in the United States," Lance said. "Since all the Blobs ate the candy, the price of candy goes up. Way up. But since people have been put out of jobs due to the giant stomachs of the herd of Blobs, nobody can afford to buy candy. And since nobody is buying candy…"
Blob made a whistle that sounded like falling. "Wheeeeeewwww! BOOM!"
"In other words we're doomed," Lance said cheerfully. "So what does our government do?"
"Hi There! I'm the Federal Government!" Todd walked up wearing an Uncle Sam costume. "I need candy for the candy stores! Give me your candy!"
"I am a taxpayer," Pyro walked up with an armload of candy. "I don't have much more candy left. I need my candy to fulfill my sugar cravings and to keep my house. It's a gingerbread house. The chocolate gets melted and holds it together or something."
"It's now a law that you have to give me more candy," Todd said.
"But if I give you all my candy I will not have a gingerbread house," Pyro said. "And I will live on the streets."
"If you don't pay your candy tax you will live somewhere else," Todd said. "An eight by ten cell sharing it with OJ Simpson and a guy named Big Bubba."
"Here's my candy," Pyro gave Todd some candy.
"Now I will give the candy to the people who ate all the candy in the first place so that their company can sell candy," Todd handed the candy to Fred. "Seven hundred billion dollars worth of candy! And what are you going to do with Seven hundred billion dollars worth of candy?"
"I'm gonna go to Mexico!" Fred said eagerly. "And eat as much candy as I can while I'm at the spa!"
"Oh well in that case here's thirty million dollars worth more candy for you!" Todd pulled out some hard candy and threw it at Fred. He turned to the camera. "Do you people see where this is going now? Have you got it? Have ya?"
"It's not my fault! I like candy!" Fred pouted.
"EVERYBODY LIKES CANDY!" Lance snapped. "BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO HOG IT ALL! WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE SOME FOR THE REST OF US? HUH? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO EAT ALL OUR HARD EARNED CANDY? WHY? WHY?"
"We're not talking about candy are we?" Fred blinked.
"Just go eat your candy, Blob," Lance sighed.
"Do you want any candy?" Fred said innocently. "I only ate all the candy because you told me too."
"No, you go ahead," Lance sighed.
"I'll have some candy," Todd piped up.
"You already took my candy! You have more than enough candy! If anyone is gonna have candy it's me!" Pyro said.
"I can give both of you candy if you…" Fred began.
"WILL YOU GUYS FORGET ABOUT THE CANDY?" Lance shouted.
"Some people get so cranky when they go without sugar," Fred remarked to Todd.
"Now that all of you out there have figured out the problem, next comes the 700 billion dollar question what do we do now?" Lance sighed.
"I still say we should burn the store down," Pyro said. "If it keeps taking our candy and it's not making candy why keep it?"
"Pyro that's the smartest idea you've had all week," Lance said. "Back to you Quicksilver."
"Thank you guys!" Pietro grinned. "Oh and for those of you skeptics out there who think that the Brotherhood tied up the owner so we could use that poor slob's candy store, you're wrong. We promised we'd look after the candy store. While the owner is in the hospital. Let's just say diabetics and muffins made by certain X-Men are not a good combination!"
"So now we all know why we are out of money," Pietro smiled at the camera. "And because no one can afford certain things like food, shelter, medical costs certainly people can't afford stocks in the stock market. But why is the stock market so important? Why use it to make money if it keeps going up and down? Darned if I know! Go look it up on the internet or something!"
"Course there are a lot of other reasons why we are in such a bad economic mess," Pietro said. "Like the housing market. Say I want to buy a house."
He took out a gingerbread house. "This is the house I want to buy. The house costs money. The banks and lending mortgages tell me they can give me money if I not only pay them back the money I took but a little thing called interest. However once I get into this agreement…"
There was a shot of Fred and the others eating more candy. "You know something I think this reason's pretty much the same as the other one," Pietro quipped as they went back to him.
"So what do we do now?" Pietro said. "Don't look at me, I'm not a stockbroker. But to give us some advice during these tough times is my sister The Scarlet Witch."
"Thank you Pietro," Wanda grinned. "One advice I have is to clip coupons. Save your pennies and use that money for buying things. Invest in rope."
"Rope?" Pietro asked.
"Yeah rope!" Wanda said. "Also clubs, pitchforks…matches! Wooden stakes to tie those fat cats on…"
"Okay I see where this is going so before we get shut down by the FCC…" Pietro said quickly.
"Tar and feathers are gonna go up big time!" Wanda added. "I know I'm going to get some after what those jerks did to the retirement funds!"
"Wanda we don't have any money in the stock market," Pietro said. "We barely have any money period, let alone a retirement fund."
"I know but I like to get in on a good brawl every now and then," Wanda shrugged. "And if this is not a good reason to go on a rampage…"
"Uh we don't advocate violence on this show!" Pietro said quickly. "At least to those people we don't know personally."
"Unless it gets results!" Wanda added. "And if you let the Brotherhood get involved I guarantee it will!"
"Okay back to me!" Pietro said quickly. "Friends, during this difficult economic crisis we here at BMZ want all of you to remember one thing…Mutants had nothing to do with this! Nothing! Nada! Zip! This was all done by humans! Every single one of those fat overpaid snake oil salesmen in those giant companies are responsible for stealing your money! Not us! This was all you! Mutants do not wreck the economy! Okay maybe we wreck an occasional building and a street or two…But in a way that's a good thing! Because of us, the construction agency finds work! I know there have been at least thirty construction jobs in Bayville alone over the past couple of years that have popped up because of mutants! I swear in Bayville they can't get enough of construction workers. Or insurance agents. Or people in the medical care community. And they are always looking for new teachers at Bayville High."
"So to reiterate, mutants create jobs. Human Corporate CEO's…Take 'em away!" Pietro added. "In fact to all you people who make those Sentinels to hunt down mutants…Here's a thought…Why don't you send those giant robots after the people who really deserve it? I mean don't get me wrong, we mutants do our share of damage but we don't go around trashing the stock market and messing up your pension plan. So please! Do us all a favor and send those big giant metal robots after those thieving jerks for a change! Who doesn't want to see a corporate fat cat running for his life from a giant metal hunk of mayhem? Please! Do it!"
Somewhere in corporate America…
"This is the stupidest program I ever saw," A very large, very rich CEO of a failed company snorted as he watched the television. "If I'd known I'd get junk like this on my satellite network I'd have used that money I got from the government on something useful! Like solid gold golf clubs and another trip to Aruba! Giant metal robots! How ridiculous!"
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"What the devil…?" The CEO looked out the window and to his horror saw a giant metal face staring at him.
"Surrender Corporate Sleezeball…" The Sentinel droned before it attacked.