The Day After The Day
It was Crane's voice which woke him, though Adam struggled to remain entrenched in the escape of his dream.
Rather than confront the new reality he would hide from it.
They were gone- both parents.
"Just lie still," he advised himself. "Keep your eyes closed and stay quiet."
"Adam?" Crane's soft voice repeated. "Are you awake now?" A few weeks shy of his eleventh birthday, the little boy's words sounded wobbly in the quiet room.
Stay still-
Seconds later Adam felt the edge of the mattress give before the covers shifted on the opposite side. As unobtrusively as he could, he slid ever so slightly to give his brother more room and even raised up a bit so Crane could tuck the blankets over them.
Try not to react.
A slender body pressed against him and Crane's knee jabbed his lower back. A slender hand slipped between Adam's upper arm and his chest.
Adam knew why the little boy was there.
Crane had inherited his mother's sensitive nature and his father's just and honorable approach to life.
He needs me to show him how to accept this and I can't do it.
I will fail him.
I will fail all of them.
Adam felt a stab of emotion rip through his soul. Though he couldn't think of exactly what to say to Crane, he could swathe him with physical security.
Raising his arm, he reached behind and rested his hand on the little boy's back.
Crane snuggled closer but stayed silent.
Adam opened his eyes. The inkiness through the window indicated dawn was not too far away.
Really, he needed to get up anyway.
He usually awoke about this time.
But the bed offered a chance to hide from the world- from his siblings, from visitors, from his work, and most importantly, from reality.
Yesterday had slammed into him and sucker punched his family and today was the first morning of his life when he had ever woken up without a mama and without a daddy.
He was an orphan.
Why get up at all?
Crane burrowed into the swell below Adam's shoulder and Adam realized the boy had nearly curled himself into a fetal position.
He couldn't blame him.
The expression on Crane's face the moment he grasped his parents were gone would forever remain cemented in Adam's mind. Crane had sensed something traumatic had occurred but Adam had ordered him to take the younger children into the house while the sheriff and deputy spoke with him privately.
In hindsight, that must have presented an emotional torture for the sensitive child as Crane's mind raced to make sense of the sudden chaos.
Adam had stood at the edge of the driveway politely waiting for the officers to speak. Despite the expressions of the faces of the men it never once occurred to Adam that something could have happened to his parents.
Brian had ridden to the back field that morning to check the fence line. When the patrol car passed he realized it was destined for his house and he turned his horse around. Brian dismounted seconds after the death notice had been issued and physically stumbled back against the horse when the news was repeated.
Until the sheriff spoke the words a second time to Brian, Adam shielded himself with denial.
Deceased? How could they be deceased? They were parents! The family had a picnic planned that afternoon.
He had misheard.
The sheriff was wrong.
This was a case of mistaken identity.
Then Brian shattered the tense silence with a keening sound so heartrending the lawmen actually cringed in response. Adam hoped to never, ever, ever witness that sound again. It ripped him to the core and he stood motionless and powerless while Brian's eyes pled with him to refute the news, to reassure him that it was not their parents who had been killed.
Even at that frozen second in time Adam fully grasped that their lives had shattered. Why pretend otherwise to Brian?
No, he couldn't soften the blow.
Because he wanted to react exactly in that same way! He wanted to rage and curse and then sink to his knees in the dirt driveway and scream and scream and beg for one more minute with his mother and father.
Brian fell into Adam, and the two McFaddens clung to each other several minutes while the sheriff and deputy helplessly watched.
The courtesy and respect from the officers would always stay with Adam. On that day- the day when his entire world imploded, somehow it mattered that the men had carefully removed their hats and held them against their thighs throughout the visit.
They promised they would keep the family in their prayers.
They extended their personal condolences along with offers to help with funeral arrangements and ranch work, and slung arms around both Adam and Brian before they left.
When the officers slid into their vehicle, Brian led the horse to the barn.
Adam waited until the dust from the squad car settled back on the driveway before he turned around and faced the house his parents had built.
A solitary Crane stood on the porch, his back to the screen door. Across the yard Adam's eyes met his and Crane's knees buckled. Then the child caught himself, straightened, and waited for his brother to join him.
When Adam reached the steps he motioned his little brother forward. Crane grabbed him around the waist and Adam sank down to the top step, then pulled the boy into his arms.
"I know it's bad. Who's hurt, Adam, Mama or Daddy?"
Adam licked his lips and whispered, his lips against the blond hair. "Both, Crane, we've lost them both. They're dead."
No! No! No! No! No!
He had spoken those exact words and broken his little brother's heart!
Crane's whole body had shaken with grief.
The memory made Adam physically ill. His stomach lurched.
Adam eased onto his back, maneuvering skillfully so as not to bother Crane. As he settled on the pillows Crane repositioned himself so that his head lay on Adam's broad chest.
Adam wrapped his arm around him and tried to think ahead to the next few hours.
What would happen if he just stayed here, just refused to interact with anyone at all? Would everyone leave him alone? Would he be allowed to just wallow in his own misery for as long as he desired?
A board creaked in the hall and then the sound of the bathroom door opening followed. Adam closed his eyes and tried not to guess which brother it could be.
Yesterday he had gathered Evan, Ford, and Daniel around him on the sofa and explained as well as he could that the three of them would never see their mother or their father again no matter how badly they wanted them. He had calmly replied to their barrage of questions with responses that there would no longer be parents in their young lives to tuck them in, hear their prayers, kiss their boo boos, or tell them how much they loved them.
And he had agreed with them that yes, Mama and Daddy were angels, and yes, Mama and Daddy could see them from Heaven, and yes, their parents would always watch down on them from above the stars.
He had wiped tears from three little faces staring up at him then with the same trust awarded his parents just hours before.
His Itty Bitties.
Adam had gotten credit for labelling the smaller boys the Itty Bitties but in truth, it was his mother who had done it years before when she saw how carefully he watched over them.
What difference did it make who had begun the endearment?
She was gone and their daddy was gone.
The Itty Bitties knew.
They understood that through one fatal accident their oldest brother now controlled their present and their future.
They would never hear her voice share stories of their babyhood, or see their father beaming with pride as he held a baby son in front of him for a first horseback ride. They would rely on the older boys from that point forward to provide them with insight of their parents' beliefs, and personalities, and dreams.
Gone.
Still, Adam had held himself in careful control by not breaking down in the presence of the officers, with Brian, with Crane, or even with the Itty Bitties. Instead, Adam ticked through the rest of that day on sheer will power, staying sane by clenching his jaw over and over until his head throbbed. He willed himself to take one more step, to speak one more word, to complete one more chore, and to think one more thought before just losing all control.
Then the baby tripped over one of the scatter rugs and bumped his head, and his screams reverberated through the entire house. Adam yanked him into his arms, examined him, and discovered that no real damage had occurred.
It was doubtful that a bruise would even appear.
But Guthrie fought to get away from Adam's embrace and screamed over and over for his mama, his whole body shaking with the exertion.
Adam tightened his grip and tried to rain kisses on the little cheeks as their mother would have done, but Guthrie was inconsolable.
So Adam let him go.
And then Adam buried his face in his hands and he sobbed. He sobbed for his parents, he sobbed for his brothers, he sobbed for the future, and he sobbed for himself. He sobbed until he was finally too exhausted to sob anymore.
In his sleep Crane jerked, and Adam hurriedly massaged the little back to soothe him. The poor little boy deserved some peace.
The sky's dark slowly changed to a medley of color and Adam watched the dawn unfold in front of him.
Not even twenty four hours had passed but the calendar date had still advanced.
Who cared if it was a new day?
It was still the day after the day.