Author: Forlay
Pairing: Rachel/Cassie (with memories of Tom/Rachel and mention of another m/m 'ship)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: After Cassie tells Jake about what happened to Rachel, Jake and Rachel talk about their shared nightmares.
Notes: It took a year, but here's the sequel to 'Out of Control'. I even managed to get all the challenge requirements in here (blue, sunflowers and reliable), so I killed two birds with one stone. Enjoy!
Cassie awoke with a start, gasping for breath. Calm
down, she ordered herself. It's only a nightmare, you've had them
before. She'd had more nightmares in the past few years than most people
had in a lifetime, but she'd grown used to them. This new nightmare was
much more disturbing and, unfortunately, she was sure it was a common one.
Though Cassie didn't know any of the details, her imagination supplied
plenty of nightmarish visions of Rachel's rape.
"I should have to deal with this!" she whispered
harshly. She threw off her sheets in frustration. She already had to deal
with saving a world that couldn't stand the idea of her holding hands with
Rachel, why did she now have to deal with Rachel's rape?
Cassie looked at the digital clock on her night
stand. The glowing red numbers read six o'clock and outside the sky was
lightning from black to gray. Way too early for normal people to be awake
on a cold Saturday morning. But Cassie wasn't normal, and she didn't want
to face that nightmare again. She'd put off a conversation she needed to
have for too long. With a shiver as her feet touched her cold floor, Cassie
got out of bed and set about digging in her laundry basket for her morphing
suit.
Jake, wake up, now! > She tapped on his window gently with her beak.
That finally woke Jake up. Not looking very happy, he rolled out of bed and opened his window for Cassie. "What is it? I don't want bad new now."
Nothing would make me happier than to bring you good news, but who gets good news at quarter after six in the morning? I need to talk to you. >
"What's up?"
Not here. Morph and well find a better place. Hurry up, I think someone else is up. > Cassie couldn't be sure, but she thought she saw a look of fear pass over Jake's face.
Without wasting any more time, Jake covered his pillows with his blankets, then changed into his morphing outfit while Cassie looked away. He morphed his own owl, then followed Cassie out his window.
What's happening? > Jake asked Cassie. Are the Yeerks up to something? >
No. Not as far as I know, anyway. This is much more personal. >
Are you having problems with Rachel? Because I'm not the guy to be asking for relationship advice. >
Jake, this is hard enough to say with out you trying to invent stories! > Cassie snapped. I'm sorry. I've just been way too stressed out this week. Which is why I wanted to talk to you. >
What's wrong? >
You've noticed Rachel acting jumpy lately, right? >
Yeah, > Jake said. I figured it was PMS or some other strictly female ailment. >
If Cassie had been human, she would have rolled her eyes. Men always used PMS to explain women's abnormal behavior. Which was everything to men. I wish it were that simple. The real reason is. . . last Saturday. . . Rachel was raped. >
Jake about fell out of the sky at that moment. WHAT?! Who - oh my God, I'll kill him. Why didn't she tell any of us? >
I don't know, > Cassie said. She didn't want to tell anybody, but I made her let me tell you. >
Why? >
Because Tom is the one who raped her. > There was a long silence while Cassie waited for Jake's reaction. Finally she prompted him, Are you okay, Jake? >
No, I'm not, > Jake said in a whisper.
I know it sounds impossible, and I'm not telling you this to make you hate Tom or anything like that, > Cassie assured him. In fact, we all know it was his Yeerk in control. >
I know all that, Cassie, > Jake said. I believe you. Thanks for telling me. > He banked sharply to the right and started flying back home. Cassie considered following, but figured it best to let Jake sort this out on his own.
***
When Jake got back to his room and demorphed, he
was shaking. A combination of fear, anger and cold. He climbed back into
bed and pulled his blankets up to his chin to warm up, but he was still
shaking.
Jake had known from his first visit to the Yeerk
Pool that the majority of the race were evil bastards, and the feelings
had only grown stronger since then. But now the Yeerk controlling his brother
was going after his cousin. . . that was too much.
His clock said it was nearly seven o'clock. Rachel
would still be asleep for several more hours. . . but Cassie had probably
thought that about him as well. No, he needed to wait before talking to
Rachel. It was too early, he hadn't had a chance to collect his thoughts
yet. He needed to be coherent when he talked to her.
This afternoon, Jake thought. I'll call
her later, we'll go and talk.
***
Jordan knocked on Rachel's door. "Rachel?"
Rachel pulled her blankets down so all Jordan could
see of Rachel were her blue eyes. "What?"
"The phone's for you."
"Fine," Rachel grumbled. She rolled over to pick
up the phone.
"And mom wants you to get up," Jordan added. "It's
almost noon."
"Whatever," Rachel said. She pressed the 'talk'
button on the cordless phone. "Yeah?"
"Hi, Rachel. It's Jake."
Shit. "What's going on?"
"You know that big physics test we have coming up?
I lost all the notes. Do you have them?"
"I think so. Yeah."
"Great. Can I come over and borrow them?"
"Sure. C'mon over whenever."
"Thanks, Rachel. I'll be there in a few minutes.
Bye."
"Yeah, bye." Rachel pressed the 'talk' button again
to end the call.
"Rachel? Are you getting up?"
Rachel sighed. "Yes, Mom." Slowly, Rachel rolled
out of her bed. She'd been sleeping too much this past week so she was
learning the hard way that there was such a thing as too much sleep.
Well, whatever crazy idea Jake has will surely
keep me awake for a few nights, Rachel thought bitterly as she rummaged
through her dresser to find a clean outfit. She needed to do her laundry,
but she hadn't felt like doing much of anything this week. The only personal
grooming attempts she had made were showers, sometimes two a day. Anything
to stay clean, to get rid of that awful feeling.
"Rachel?"
Rachel jumped and spun around to face her doorway,
where her mother was standing. "What?"
"I've been calling you for two minutes," Naomi said.
"Are you okay, Rachel?"
"I'm fine," Rachel insisted, just as she
had every day for the past week whenever her mother had questioned her.
Naomi wasn't convinced, but she'd learned by now
not to press Rachel any more. "I'm taking Jordan and Sara out to the movies.
I know there isn't anything there that you really want to see with your
family, but you've been so stressed out lately, maybe you'd like to see
some harmless Disney fluff?"
"I can't," Rachel said. "Jake lost his physics notes.
He'll be over any minute to copy mine."
"Oh. Okay," Naomi said with a sigh. "Well, I guess
you'll have the house to yourself for the afternoon. Again."
"I don't mind, Mom," Rachel said. "Hey, you'd better
go before Jordan and Sara riot over missing their movie."
"You're right," Naomi said. The doorbell rang then.
"That must be Jake. I'll go let him in while you get dressed."
Rachel turned back to her dresser. She no longer
cared what she wore, so she grabbed a simple black T-shirt and a pair of
jeans. She didn't even bother to brush her hair. It was only Jake, after
all, he wouldn't care what she looked like.
Besides a voice in the back of her head had been
nagging her all week. Telling her that maybe if she wasn't always flaunting
her looks, the perverted son of a bitch that now controlled Tom wouldn't
have gotten it into his slug brain to rape her.
When she went downstairs, Rachel found Jake sitting
on the living room couch. "I doubt this has anything to do with physics
class."
It took all of Jake's self control to simply say,
"No," and not go on to comment about how Rachel looked. He'd noticed her
growing more haggard over the week, but had written off as female problems.
And the last time he'd seen her was Wednesday. Seeing Rachel every day
had made her progression seem less serious.
Rachel sat in a recliner that was next to the couch.
"What's this about?"
"Cassie talked to me this morning," Jake said simply.
Rachel looked down at her hands. "I was wondering
when she'd get around to that." She looked up. "So now am I going to get
the 'You should have told someone' lecture?"
"Now," Jake said again. He sighed when he saw Rachel's
surprised look. "Because I have my own secret that I haven't told anyone.
But because you - sort of - told me yours, I want to tell you."
Jake took a deep breath and focused his gaze on
the arm of his aunt's sunflower patterned couch. "What Tom's Yeerk did
to you. . . he's also done it to me."
Rachel's hand flew to her mouth. "Oh, my God."
"So I'm definitely not going to lecture you," Jake
said. "I haven't told anyone, either. Who would believe me?"
"I feel the same way," Rachel whispered. "How can
you stand to live with him?"
"Where else would I go? I'd have to tell my parents
why I was leaving, or I'd have to hide from the police after my parents
had me labeled as a runaway."
"Oh, God, Jake, I - I don't know what to say. How
did you deal with it? You never fell apart."
"I can't afford to. If I fall apart, not only would
that be letting the bastard win, but the Animorphs would fall apart, too."
Rachel shook her head sadly. "You are so much stronger
than I am."
"No, I'm not," Jake said firmly. He went over to
Rachel's chair and knelt in front of her. "You told someone, you're making
sure
it doesn't happen again."
"What do you mean?"
"You told Cassie, who I know will do whatever is
necessary to protect you, and I bet you're never going to come over to
my place again."
Rachel tried to force. She doubted she was very
successful. "You're right. But what about you? How did you keep it from
happening again?"
Jake went back to the couch. "I didn't," he whispered.
"It's happened again. A few times a month."
"How long?" Rachel was whispering now as well.
"A year, maybe."
Rachel quickly did the math in her head. "Oh, no,
Jake. Right after the break up?"
Jake curled up on the corner of the couch, much
like Rachel was in her chair. "Yeah. I felt like shit right about then,
and I guess the bastard could sense it. It just compounded my misery, but
no one noticed since everyone knew Cassie and I had just broken up."
Because of me, Rachel remembered. Cassie
was tired of cheating on Jake with Rachel, so she broke up with him. Cassie
and Rachel waited another month before coming out together, so it wouldn't
seem like they had dumped their boyfriends for each other. Shit, more
guilt isn't what I need.
"And he just kept coming back," Jake said,
his voice just about cracking with held back emotion. "But like I said,
I couldn't tell anyone. Who would believe me? And what if they asked why
I hadn't told the first time? Feeling like shit over a breakup can't be
an acceptable reason for hiding rape."
Rachel felt like crying as well. "I think we both
fucked up. Big time."
"Why?"
"I doubt this holds true for guys, from from elementary
school up, girls are always told to tell someone if they've been raped.
That it's never our fault. But I didn't tell anyone who could do anything
when I had the chance, and I still feel like it's my fault, even though
it's obviously the Yeerk that has the problem, not me. Not you either,
Jake."
Jake nodded. "I've told myself over and over that
I could stop this, and that it definitely isn't my fault, but I
don't believe it yet."
Rachel paused to give herself, and Jake, a chance
to calm down. "So how can you still function as a human being? God, at
this point I can't even stand to be touched by Cassie, or my mom or my
sisters."
"I got used to it," Jake said sadly. "As awful as
it sounds, I got used to Tom coming to my room around one or two in the
morning and raping me. So I had the rest of the night to feel disgusted
and guilty and realize that if I let anyone know what had happened, Tom
would find a way to make me pay."
Hesitantly, Rachel left her chair. The ragged old
brown recliner that was the only thing in the house that didn't match her
mother's new sunflower motif. The recliner that had been in the house since
before Rachel could remember; that she had always relied on for comfort
when she felt bad about anything from cramps to a bad grade to fights with
Tobias, when they had still been together. She perched on the couch cushion
next to Jake. It was the closest she had willingly been to anyone for a
week. She laid her hand, palm up, in the space between them. She wasn't
about to initiate any physical contact, but if Jake wanted to, she wouldn't
stop him.
Jake looked from Rachel's hand to her face, looking
for a hint of what the purpose of laying her hand out like that was. Her
face was blank. Did she even know she'd laid her hand down?
Dammit, Jake, this is hardly the most difficult
decision you've you've ever made. You want to hold her hand, do it!
Rachel didn't snatch her hand away when Jake
held it. In fact, she squeezed it back. "I wish there was something I could
do," Rachel said.
"I do, too."
Rachel and Jake sat in silence, holding hands, for
quite awhile, until Jake finally felt strong enough to stand up. "I have
to get home," he explained. "My parents think I'm just getting those physics
notes.
Rachel nodded. "Uh, be careful, Jake."
"You too."
Another moment of silence, then Jake nodded at Rachel
and let himself out.
"Well, now what do I do?" Rachel asked herself.
She tried running a hand through her hair, but was stopped by the numerous
tangles. "Brush my hair," she answered firmly. She ran back up to her bedroom
and began brushing her hair. It surprised her how comforting the simple
act felt. How normal it felt.
After brushing 100 strokes through her hair, just
like her mother had done when Rachel was little, Rachel looked around her
room, desperate for something else to do. Something normal, something that
would keep her from focusing on her self-pity. Jake had it a hundred times
worse than she did; if he could keep going then so could she.
Rachel's eyes landed on her cordless phone, still
lying on her night stand where she had carelessly set it after Jake's call.
Rachel grabbed it and dialed the first number that came to mind.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Cassie, it's Rachel."
"Hey, Rachel. Um, how are you doing?"
Rachel chuckled. Cassie hadn't asked her that question
in awhile, but Rachel hadn't started a conversation recently, either. "I'm
doing fine. Jake came over earlier and we talked."
"That's good."
"You're telling me. I think I can finally start
getting back to normal."
Cassie let out a sigh of relief. "That's the best
thing I've heard in a long time, Rachel."
"So, to celebrate, do you want to go out? I don't
care where we go, but this week I've only left the house to go to school."
"I would love to. Want me to pick you up?" For those
trips to school, Rachel had been too paranoid to ride the bus and too nervous
to drive her car, so Cassie had become her personal chauffeur
"No. I need to be normal now, and normally I drive,
right? So are you free now?"
"Yeah, all day, too. So I'm yours as long as you
want me."
Forever, Rachel though, but she wasn't that
brave yet. "I'll be over in a few minutes. Oh, and Cassie?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks. For everything."
"That's what I'm here for, right? Always have been,
always will be."
"Right. I - I love you."
Cassie smiled. Rachel truly was getting back to
normal. She hadn't shown any emotion all week, except fear. But this Rachel,
while a bit more introspective than Rachel had been in the past, was still
the Rachel Cassie loved. "I love you, too."