Who Knew?
I look at my self in the mirror, with my pale eyes and green eyeliner; but you see me differently at school in the hallways when you sneer at me and shove me against lockers. Stop trying to deny it. You might not be the one instuting the hurtful punches or jabs behind my back but you do nothing to stop it. You look at me and see nothing worth liking. You see the green eyeliner, not the girl trying to get you to notice and befriend her. You see the nose ring, but not the girl that bears it.
Yes, I am talking about you. Don't look at the person next to you and blame them. It was you. You are the one that held my hands behind my make and laughed and smiled while your best friend gave me a slugging right to the face.
You, the one who trips me in the hallway when I am carrying an enormous amount of books and papers and strutting away when they fly everywhere. You don't think I see you sneer. You don't think I am smart enough to understand the words loser, misfit, outcast. I understand. I understand that you could never like me. Give me a chance, get to know me. But you wont will you.
I see you. At first I think you are my friend. Then I hear your friends talking about how to get me, to hurt me. I want you to stand up to them. You don't. Instead you bash me and criticize me thinking that I don't know what your saying, I know.
Don't worry Spin, this isn't for you. You have always been there for me. You don't know my pain but you sense it. You don't back down from a fight and I respect that because I have given up a long time ago in my battles. You know me. You look past the labels society calls me like trash and damaged goods.
Darce this isn't for you either. You stood by me when I told your boyfriend what I should have kept secret and made a fool of myself. You never told my secret. That is good because there is more from where it was coming from.
This isn't even for you Lucas. Yes, I am disappointed that you choice your friends over me. They only cause pain and hurt and discomfort. I know the way the look at me. But I love you. You are my brother, and I will always love you.
Nope. I am sure that this is for you. Father make up your mind. First you want me, then you want to use me. First you say you love me then you love to break me. Make up your mind.
This is for you. Don't think I don't see you when I am sitting on a park bench all alone in the rain with no coat except my tears. Don't think I don't fell the cigerette butts your friends and you through at me when you drive by; once again laughing and jeering and mocking. It hurts. You think I am an animal, you think I don't have feelings.
I think an animal has more feelings than you do. You think you are going to change the world. I have something to tell you. Adolf Hitler thought he was changing the world, making it a better place. And if person, or millions of people get hurt or massacred along the way; then I guess you would say its for the greater good. Wouldn't you?
I know you. You are sitting at the same pew with me at church. I am weeping and sobbing for the things Jesus sacrificed and the things I had stolen from me like dignity, respect and innocence. You are avoiding me. You shun me because you don't think I am good enough. You don't offer me the least bit of comfort by telling me everything is going to be alright. There is something worse than being in pain, and that is nobody caring that you are in pain.
I want somebody to love me. I don't want someone to use me or break me or throw stuff at me or rape me or beat me or laugh at me or mock me or shove me against lockers. I want someone that will stand by me and not betray me, who will love me for me and not pity me because I am a loser. I yearn for someone to talk to me and comfort me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I want someone to fight for me and hurt for me and cry for me. I think my desires are crushed, because you would never do that, would you?