Once again Cobra stole the disclaimer saying that I don't own any GI Joe characters! Not even this idea is mine! Coldfusion 180 co-wrote it! So enjoy the madness! Which takes place after the Resident Idiot incident in Year of the Cobra.
Cobra Persona: Major Bludd
"Another day, another stupid meeting from Hell…" The Baroness groaned as most of the Cobra High Command entered the conference room.
"I think Hell would be a step up from our usual meetings," Zartan remarked.
"Once again I must spend time inside Cobra's collective purgatory," Destro sighed as he strode into the conference room.
"Like spending time with you is a real thrill," Zartan remarked.
"The only upside to these meetings…and I use that word very liberally," Destro said as he sat down at the table. "Is that it gives me a break from having to deal with the endless living nightmare that is my life."
"It's not just your life that is a nightmare," The Baroness glared at her sometime lover.
"No kidding," Tomax said as he took a seat at the table. "We should just put a sign outside the door saying 'Abandon all hope ye who enter here'."
"More like Abandon all sanity ye who enter here," Xamot grumbled joining him. "Much more appropriate."
"That would imply people who work at Cobra had any sanity in the first place," Destro remarked. "The number of people who have any sanity in this organization I could count on a shop teacher's hand!"
"That would certainly limit the attendance at meetings," Tomax snorted.
"Says you!" Zartan snapped. "Besides a sign like that would only welcome everybody in instead of keeping them out! I'd rather be one of the latter!"
"You're not the only one," The Baroness groaned. "Speaking of lack of sanity where are your demented Dreadnoks, Zartan?"
"I sent them out with my brother and sister on a booze run," Zartan said. "I felt we all needed a break after the Nano Zombie invasion."
"Considering the Nano Zombie invasion was their fault yes!" Mindbender snapped. "I told you to keep those animals out of my laboratory!"
"They're not the ones who made a remote control nanotech device look like a video game!" Zartan snapped.
"I wanted to make it easy enough for any idiot to operate it!" Mindbender snapped.
"Any idiot did," Destro drawled. "Mission accomplished."
"And those rampaging sentient marijuana plants weren't their fault!" Zartan snapped.
"Again not all mine either," Mindbender grumbled. "I'm not the one who let those things loose!"
"No, but you are the one who made the formula that enabled them to learn how to walk, rampage and spit out drug laced spit!" The Baroness snapped.
"The plants spit the drugs at our troops and they got so high they didn't even realize they were being torn to pieces," Xamot groaned.
"It was like watching the Little Shop of Horrors movie starring Cheech and Chong!" Tomax added.
"And it was my Dreadnoks that had to destroy those monstrosities by burning them!" Zartan snapped.
"And wasn't that a brilliant idea!" The Baroness said sarcastically. "They created a smoke cloud that got not only themselves baked, but half the city!"
"Although you have to admit it beats the smog in LA by a mile," Mindbender remarked.
"And it created a cover story making people doubt there ever was a real zombie invasion," Zartan said. "You're welcome."
"Would have been more convincing if the Dreadnoks hadn't missed some of the bodies in front of the police station!" Destro growled. "You idiots are just lucky we had a lot of them on our payroll! Of course now the price of bribes has gone up!"
"So? Our hideout is a casino," Zartan waved. "Not like we can't get the money."
"But now the money actually has to go to hiring actual people to run it!" Destro snapped. "Before we just used synthoids or stuck some nanites into people so they'd be our willing slaves! Can't do that now!"
"Yes, I can't exactly show my face around any Home Depot or any other known illegal alien stop in three states," Mindbender grumbled. "You know? For the whole enslaving with nano zombie thing."
"Yes. That's the reason," The Baroness rolled her eyes. "Nothing to do what happened in that men's room."
"That transvestite came onto me!" Mindbender protested. "And he was the one carrying that axe!"
"What is this stupid meeting about anyway?" The Baroness asked.
"Cobra Commander is probably going to brief us again on his latest, stupid, idiotic plan," Destro grumbled.
"What was that?" Cobra Commander snapped as he entered the room.
"I said you were about to brief us on why you are the greatest, lucid, cyanotic man," Destro covered.
"That's what I thought you said," Cobra Commander glared at him as he sat down. "Okay. Who called this stupid meeting and how soon can we get this over with? I want to go back to drinking in my office!"
"Wait, you're not the one who arranged the meeting?" Zartan blinked in confusion.
"Of course I'm not the one who arranged the meeting!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I thought it was one of you fools!"
"Well I didn't call for us to have a meeting," The Baroness folded her arms.
"Neither did we," Tomax indicated himself and Xamot.
"It wasn't me," Zartan said. "Destro?"
"The day I decide to willingly spend time in here with any of you is the day I stop breathing!" Destro groaned. "Which considering how this week is going may very well happen!"
"Well I didn't call this meeting of the mindless!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Me neither," Mindbender said. "I could be spending this time working on valuable projects. And catching up on the Fall TV season!"
"You're not missing that much," Cobra Commander told him. "Pretty disappointing actually."
"Oh," Mindbender said. "Then I guess I could just be working then."
"There's some good DVDs out there," Zartan suggested. "I hear Alpha House is pretty good."
"Isn't that the rip off of the X-Men that was on the Sci-Fi channel?" The Baroness asked.
"That was Alphas," Zartan corrected. "This is Alpha House. About the antics of some senators sharing an apartment. Written by the guy that does Doonesbury."
"That does sound promising," Destro remarked.
"Not all the new shows are bad," The Baroness spoke up. "I like the Mysteries of Laura."
"I have always liked Debra Messing," Destro admitted. "She is rather talented."
"What time is it on?" The Crimson Twins asked.
"WILL YOU MORONS STOP JABBERING?" Cobra Commander screamed. "In case you have forgotten Cobra is a ruthless terrorist organization whose goal is to rule the world! Not a collection of couch potatoes whose goal is to find something good on television!"
"Well…It's not like we've made that much progress on the former," Mindbender shrugged. He winced when Cobra Commander glared at him. "Just saying…"
"I hate you people so much…" Cobra Commander grumbled. "Well if I didn't call for this meeting and if none of you brain dead dimwits called for this meeting then who the devil did?"
Just then the monitor along one of the walls flared to life. "Greetings fellow loyal terrorist members! Hail Cobra!"
"What the…?" Destro blinked as the images of Vapor and Zero appeared on the monitor. They seemed to be sitting behind some desks in a small makeshift studio.
"Speaking of nothing good on television…" Zartan groaned.
"What are those two lunatics doing?" Destro groaned as some colorful animation featuring the Cobra Logo appeared on screen.
"Guess which pair of brain dead weirdoes must have arranged the meeting?" The Baroness glared at them. "Hint: It wasn't the Crimson Twins!"
"Ha!" Xamot and Tomax laughed. "Wait a minute…HEY!"
"Is that a new video monitor? When did we get that in here?" Mindbender scratched his head.
"Oh that. I ordered it installed so that I could keep an eye on Cobra's more…secretive projects," Cobra Commander coughed.
"You've been binge watching footage from the latest fashion shows again haven't you?" Destro gave him a look.
"First of all it's also catching up on watching the Blacklist and a few other CSI shows so I can get plausible ideas for our organization," Cobra Commander snapped. "And secondly somebody's got to keep on top of what's in and what's hot!"
"I take it you've also taken a few detours to Bravo and the E! Network," The Baroness remarked dryly.
"It doesn't hurt," Cobra Commander admitted. "Besides who do you think designs all of Cobra's uniforms? Me!"
"That explains a lot," Zartan quipped.
"Well I didn't do Mindbender's so don't blame that train wreck on me!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"HEY!" Mindbender shouted.
"Besides the TV in my room keeps getting shot out when I stumble in after a day of getting soused…I mean roused by every chaotic mess that goes on in this place!" Cobra Commander went on. "At least I know no one will ever bother me while I am in here!"
"Like any of us would voluntarily spend time in this room," The Baroness rolled her eyes.
"For those of you who are new or haven't bothered to keep up with all the memos lately I'm Vapor," Vapor cheerfully waved his lizard arm.
"And I'm Zero!" Zero beamed proudly. "We are the newest members of Cobra's High Command!"
"So much for Cobra having standards for leadership positions," Xamot muttered.
"When did Cobra ever have standards for leadership positions?" Tomax indicated Cobra Commander and the Baroness.
"You have a point," Xamot agreed.
"HEY!" The Baroness and Cobra Commander snapped.
"We are pleased to announce that Cobra's image is high and recruitment is up!" Vapor continued on screen.
"More like our recruits are high and our image is up a creek," Zartan quipped.
"Which considering not long ago Cobra had broken up and completely gone to pieces is quite an accomplishment!" Vapor went on cheerfully.
"The fact that we no longer have to steal toilet paper is an accomplishment," Destro moaned.
"But we on the High Command are concerned that too many new recruits may be unfamiliar with some of the more obscure members of Cobra," Zero went on.
"Like that's a bad thing?" Zartan asked. "Besides if they really wanted to know all they have to do is look up our rap sheet on the internet."
"And the less they know the more people we can get to work for us," Destro admitted.
"So we decided to create a show highlight these unsung heroes of Cobra and allow all of our followers to get to know them better!" Zero added.
"They have followers?" Zartan blinked. "What followers? Since when?"
"WHAT?" Cobra Commander leapt to his feet. "THIS IS INTOLLERABLE! UNACCEPTABLE! I'M THE ONE WHO ORIGNIALLY CAME UP WITH A SHOW TO HAVE PEOPLE GET TO KNOW ME BETTER! THOSE TWO STOLE MY IDEA!"
"Didn't you steal that idea after intercepting a series of show transmissions from GI Joe?" Mindbender asked.
"Oh come on! It's television! Like nobody else ever steals all the good ideas to call their own!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"He's got a point," Destro shrugged.
"That is the standard operation procedure for most television networks," The Baroness agreed.
"So let's get started with our very first edition of our new show: Cobra Persona!" Vapor smiled as the camera panned out. "Say hello to whom will hopefully be the first of many, many guests…"
"The first of many? Oh God…" Destro moaned.
"Major Bludd!" Vapor cheered as the one eyed black mustachioed Cobra mercenary waved to the camera.
"BLUDD?" Destro choked at the sight. "When did that idiot get back?"
"I didn't know he was still affiliated with Cobra," Mindbender blinked in shock.
"I didn't know he was even still alive!" The Baroness said, equally stunned.
"I thought I killed him!" Cobra Commander spoke up. "Seriously. I'm pretty sure that I shot the guy a while back!"
"Hello everybody!" Bludd happily waved to the camera. "Bludd is back!"
"Are they sure that's the same Major Bludd?" Cobra Commander spoke up. "I could have sworn I killed the man myself!"
"Knowing you, you probably just killed a bottle of scotch and shot someone else," Destro grumbled. "Not like you haven't done it before!"
"Here we go…" Cobra Commander grumbled. "You're just still going to harp on about that aren't you?"
"So let's get to it," Vapor consulted his notes. "Now your real name is Sebastian Bludd and you were born in Sidney, Australia. Correct?"
"Yep," Bludd nodded. 'The country originally settled by convicts!"
"That explains a lot," Xamot quipped.
"Darn right," Zartan said proudly. "HEY!"
"And you initially received training in the Australian Special Air Service," Zero prompted.
"And in the French Foreign Legion," Bludd explained. "I saw action in both South East Asia and Algeria all before becoming a mercenary."
"I wonder why he left the Australian Air Service and the Foreign Legion?" Mindbender wondered aloud.
"They probably threw him out," Cobra Commander scoffed. "Right after he robbed every one of those organizations blind!"
"Just curious, why didn't you stay with either the Australian military or the Foreign Legion?" Vapor asked Bludd.
"Well I had a few disagreements with my superiors," Bludd admitted. "They thought that their soldiers shouldn't make some extra cash by using their equipment or taking funds from the enemy. I disagreed."
"Uh huh," Zero nodded.
"Those blokes in the higher ups were out to get me from the start," Bludd waved. "Just because I was able to beat them in poker games and borrowed some funds they got all uptight!"
"Called it!" Cobra Commander spoke out.
"Some things never change," Zartan shrugged.
"After the Foreign Legion I worked for a security firm for a while until it burned down," Bludd went on. "And before you ask I had an alibi for that night! And I was cleared of all charges! So after I was acquitted I went on my own. I became a military advisor in numerous countries."
"Bludd is currently wanted for crimes in Rhodesia and Libya," Vapor spoke up. "Including one for crimes against humanity."
"Not exactly," Bludd corrected. "The Libyan charges are all false. Gaddafi just made those up in '87 after I advised him during the last phases of the Chadian-Libyan War. He didn't want to pay me so he brought up some bogus charges saying I was incompetent at my job!"
"Isn't that the one where the Chadians won, retook control of the Aouzou Strip and Gaddafi lost over one-tenth of his army?" Zero asked.
"Just a coincidence," Bludd coughed. "It's not my fault Gaddafi's forces were disorganized and had inadequate knowledge of the area before being blown to pieces!"
"Wanna bet?" Zartan quipped.
"Dude wasn't that kind of like your job to organize them and have some knowledge of the area they were gonna invade?" Vapor asked. Bludd glared at him. "Just asking!"
"Told you so," Zartan remarked.
"It wasn't my fault! Gaddafi later just blamed me for the defeat and declared my battlefield leadership a crime!" Bludd continued. "Well that and my stealing half his treasury before setting his entire wardrobe on fire when he refused to pay me! Served him right!"
"Considering Gaddafi's fashion sense, I don't blame him," Cobra Commander remarked.
"And I'm pretty sure those charges were dropped when Gaddafi died anyway," Bludd waved. "Maybe one or two are still around. Although I'm pretty sure all those camels involved are dead by now. Not like I was planning on going back to Libya anyway."
"What about those crimes in Rhodesia?" Vapor pressed. "Were those fake too?"
"Not exactly," Bludd admitted. "The ZIPRA commanders made those up after I distributed a couple distilleries worth of booze to the troops and they ended up getting roaring drunk before going on a shooting spree."
"I know what that's like!" Destro shot Cobra Commander a look.
"Again! It was an accident and nobody died!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Not for lack of trying!" Destro yelled.
"Geeze you shoot two dozen lowly subordinates and a couple higher ranking ones in the butt and you never hear the end of it!" Cobra Commander waved.
"There were a few…casualties," Bludd went on. "Some of them were on our side. Not to mention there was a tiny incident with some village goats and a commanding officer's bathroom I'd rather not get into."
"You were so drunk you nearly killed me and my men!" Destro snapped.
"It was ten years ago!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Get over it!"
"I still have the scar on my ass!" Destro snapped. "Kind of hard sometimes to get over it when I can barely sit on it!"
"That thing all but faded a long time ago and you know it!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"You accidentally shoot one of your officers in the butt and they never let you hear the end of it!" Bludd groaned.
"Preaching to the choir Bludd!" Cobra Commander called out.
"It says here that the ZIPRA commanders declared your actions a crime against humanity," Zero said from his notes.
"But not because I killed people! They had no problem with that!" Bludd waved. "They were just covering their backsides! They needed a way to distract the troops from learning about their plan to waste the booze by using it to make Molotov cocktails instead of drinking it! If that wasn't going to be a crime against humanity, I don't know what is!"
"The man does have a point," Cobra Commander shrugged.
"You agree with him on this issue," Destro drawled. "What a shock!"
"People who live in glass scotch bottles…" Cobra Commander growled.
"Those ZIPRA blokes were bloody ungrateful for all the help I gave them during the war!" Bludd grumbled. "Even tried to not pay me for all my hard work!"
"Didn't the ZIPRA lose their fight in Rhodesia?" Zero asked. "An unrecognized country that doesn't even exist anymore?"
"Again a coincidence!" Bludd coughed. "I've led dozens of successful operations on three different continents!"
"Where? In World of Warcraft?" The Baroness spoke up.
"Has to be because once the man lost a fight to penguins in Antarctica," Destro moaned.
"I have a tactical mind like a steel trap!" Bludd said proudly.
"A steel trap that is broken, rusty, shattered and dull!" The Baroness snapped. "Commander why did you hire that loser?"
"Because Gaddafi recommended him to me," Cobra Commander explained with a groan.
"And why would he do that?" Destro asked.
"Looking back on it now I think it had something to do with a poker game where I won some money off him…" Cobra Commander admitted. "Yeah all the pieces of the puzzle are coming together now."
"So we haven't seen you around Cobra these past few years," Zero said. "What have you been doing all this time?"
"Yeah where the hell was he when we were getting shot at?" Zartan barked.
"I guess it's too much to hope for aliens abducted him for probing experiments," The Baroness grumbled.
"Well for the past few years I've had to take some medical leave for…various reasons," Major Bludd admitted. "Had to mend myself both physically and mentally. Had a few problems. But I'm much better now."
"That is a matter of opinion," Cobra Commander grumbled. "Then again anything is a step up from what he used to be."
"I just needed some me time," Major Bludd explained. "Just got back from a nice relaxing vacation in Syria."
"How can you have a relaxing vacation in Syria?" Zero asked.
"Well it helps if you know someone that works for the current regime," Major Bludd admitted. "Or at least I used to before…Well let's just say I can never go back again for all sorts of reasons. No matter who wins the civil war."
"That's our Major Bludd all right," Cobra Commander groaned. "Damn it! I should have killed him years ago! I was so sure I killed him years ago!"
"You were once so plastered you blew up a palm tree and thought you killed Bernie Madoff!" Destro snapped. "Although I must admit I appreciated the sentiment if not the aim."
"I just got back a week ago," Bludd explained. "I saw your Cobra blog online and I was amazed the organization was still running. I would have been back sooner but there was this weird fog that rolled in just as I got off the plane to the island…It smelled really familiar for some reason."
"Oh boy…" Cobra Commander grumbled. "Why does that not surprise me?"
"The next thing I knew it was almost a week later and I found myself naked in the hotel fountain," Bludd admitted.
"Oh so that's what that commotion was about the other day?" Destro groaned.
"But now I'm rested, relaxed and ready to collect a paycheck and some health insurance!" Bludd smiled. "I kind of need a lot of the latter."
"Good luck with that!" Zartan snorted.
"O-kay," Vapor blinked. "Let's move on. Now I understand you like to write poetry."
"That's right! I'm a poet at heart and it's great!" Bludd beamed. "My poetry has been featured in the International Best Poets Catalog for years!"
"Isn't that some kind of scam?" Zero asked.
"Technically no," Bludd said. "And that's good enough for me. Here's a little sample of my work."
Bludd pulled out a piece of paper and read it. "A mercenary's job is a heartless one. I'm a soldier for hire like a pawn-shop gun. My ruthless tactics keep you on your toes. 'Cause I fight 'em all, whether friends or foes."
"Charming," Destro deadpanned at the rendition. "That monstrosity ranks up there with Lord Byron."
"You have to admit it's accurate," Zartan remarked.
"You ought to know!" Tomax snapped
"You've fought for and against Cobra before!" Xamot yelled.
"It wasn't personal! Get over it!" Zartan groaned. "Boy you switch sides for one million dollars during an insignificant battle and no one lets you forget it!"
"That was interesting," Vapor blinked.
"Nice…Very informative," Zero blinked as well.
"Why thank you!" Bludd preened on screen. "I've written dozens more just like it! And hundreds that are totally different!"
"By totally different does he mean they're some semblance of good?" Zartan moaned.
"Knowing him, probably worse…" Destro moaned.
"And knowing is probably the reason why Cobra has been losing all these years!" Cobra Commander groaned.
"Here's a little beauty that appeared in an issue of the Attica Gazette," Bludd pulled out another piece of paper and a gun. "It's an interpretive piece."
"Oh boy…" Destro groaned. "I think I know where this is going."
"When you're feeling low and woozy. Slap a fresh clip in your Uzi!" Bludd recited while doing so. "Assume the proper firing stance. And make the suckers jump and dance!"
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Vapor and Zero screamed as Bludd began shooting at them.
"Well this program finally got interesting," Tomax smirked as the two unfortunate Cobras dived for cover. "I think I am finally beginning to enjoy it."
"It does start to grow on you," Xamot grinned watching the gunfire tear the desk apart.
"Just goes to show you," Mindbender said. "If you wait long enough something good will happen."
"I admit I wasn't crazy about the start but I love the finish," Destro snickered. "Look at those two idiots cower in terror!"
"That is always fun to watch," The Baroness agreed.
"Too much fun! This simply won't do!" Cobra Commander declared getting up. "Somebody's shooting at Cobra's subordinates and I'm missing out on it! Let me at them!" He pulled out a gun and ran out of the room.
"Oh dear. There goes the repair budget for the week," Destro sighed. "Again!"
"Looks like Cobra Commander is going to appear on the show after all," Zartan watched as the bullets continued to rip the makeshift studio apart. "Think we could get him to be one of the hosts?"
"Only if the next guest is a homicidal maniac with a gun," The Baroness said.
"This is Cobra. The odds of that are pretty high," Zartan quipped.
"But if there is another one of these shows, and Cobra Commander turns out to be a host then I volunteer!" The Baroness spoke up.
"OWW! OWW! OWW!" Cobra Commander was heard screaming in the distance. "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE SHOOTING AT THAT THING YOU SIDNEY WHIPLASH WANNABEE!"
"Hmm, maybe having Major Bludd back won't be so bad after all?" Destro smirked.
"OKAY! IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANNA PLAY IT!" Cobra Commander yelled. "TAKE THIS!"
BAM! BAM! BAM!
"YEOW! MY LEG!" Bludd screamed as he hopped around on one foot while bleeding on his leg. "MY LEG!"
"OUR STUDIO!" Vapor and Zero whined.
"MY STUDIO YOU TWITS!" Cobra Commander shouted. "AND AS FOR YOU BLUDD!"
"BAM!"
"YEOWWW! MY BUTT!" Bludd yelled as he was shot again.
"Guess that's why he's called Bludd," Mindbender quipped. "Because the man bleeds all over the place!"
"Well one thing I learned from this little informative program," Destro remarked. "Cobra Commander is definitely a better shot than Major Bludd."
"That is a very frightening fact," The Baroness blinked.
"AAAAAAAH!" Bludd was hopping around being chased by Cobra Commander.
"All in all you have to admit this has been one of our better meetings," Zartan spoke up. "Which is an even more frightening fact."