"Look Jake. We can work this out. Please. Just trust me" I pleaded.
"Yeah whatever. As if. Don't you remember what happened last time I told you anything", he growled back as he started fiddling with his Ibanez. He pulled it onto his lap and began to strum it softly. "You brought a damn therapist in a tow." He began to strum faster as I open my mouth to protest. "No, don't say anything Katrina." A pang shot through my chest. "You don't have any right to." He stopped strumming abruptly. His right hand, which had been resting on the guitar's curve, balled itself up into a fist.
"I care about you Jake, so don't hurt yourself ...Jake..."
He glared at me and ran his fingers down the neck of the instrument. There was a small click and a small compartment near the body. A small box cutter tumbled out into his waiting hand. He looked back up at me and smiled crookedly. Another pang.
"You know, when I carved this out I thought I'd store some picks or strings in it. Instead I have this." He chuckled dryly, tracing the scars he had made on his right arm with it. "But why did you have to tell them. I mean Jesus! I trusted you to keep this a secret! Instead I have to talk to some therapist who doesn't even give a crap about why I'm there!" He began to yell as he threw it down.
"I was scared. I don't want to lose you." I replied quietly.
I could feel the tears begin to well up. His eyes slowly began to soften for the first time that night. He sighed quietly as he climbed off his stereo. He put the Ibanez gently beside it.
"God Katy. Don't cry."
This was the opening I had waited all night for, but now that it was there, I didn't know if I could use it. But if I didn't say it then what was the point of coming here?
"J-Jake it wasn't your fault, you know. Stop blaming yourself."
He slowly began to shake his head, "You don't understand. You weren't there. You weren't in the car when it flipped. When we went under the water. When we struggled to get of the seat-belts, when the water was gushing into the car. I thought it was the end. I was so absorbed in trying to escape it, so absorbed in myself. When I got free, I broke the window and swam out. I didn't think to check and see if they were free too. I just swam out. It took me until I reached the surface to realize they weren't there. By then it was too late. They were too deep. No matter how many times I dived I couldn't get to them. I let them die, I heard their screams. But I killed them. "He said softly. He put his hands over his eyes," It doesn't matter who they blame. The weather, the car, that drunk who hit us. I killed them with my own hands, the moment I didn't look back."
I began to try and pry his hands away. "No, that's not true. It isn't!" He let me pull them away. "Don't talk that way!" I cried as I began to lightly hit his chest. He slowly wrapped his arms around me. His embrace tightened each time I pounded, until I couldn't move my arms to hit him again even if I wanted to.
"Please Jake just stay with me. I can't lose you too..."
We stayed like that for a long time, until no more tears could come out of my eyes. I looked up. Jake had fallen asleep holding me. It hurt every time I saw his scars. Every time I remembered that if I hadn't called him that night, he wouldn't have been in the car. That none of them would even have been near the man that hit them if I had just waited to call him five minutes later. But I couldn't change that. I'd have to spend my life knowing my part in the wreck. But that didn't matter now. None of it mattered. The me that made that call was dead now. I needed to save Jake from himself. From his pain, his guilt. I would do everything it took.
I carefully squirmed out of his arms. I walked over to where he had thrown the razor. With a backward glance to make sure he was still sleeping, I picked up the razor and slide it underneath a loose floorboard. In the morning, I would go and throw it in the dumpster down the street.
Quietly I walked back to where he was sleeping and sat back down next to him. It was my turn to protect him this time.