Battle for Spirit Forest; a LARP adventure
AKA, a quirky story that has nothing to do with anything
I have no life outside my wild fantasies
Enjoy a random story when the TF2 pack meets a band of hardcore *LARPers in the forest they are defending. LARPing is an activity I've been devoted too lately, mostly because my girlfriend makes me. While standing in front a simple box in the middle of the pathway, wondering how we should pass it, this developed in the back of my mind.
*Live Action RolePlay
Please note, I had no idea what I was thinking when I decided to type this idea down... Imaginations run wild when watching Red Dwarf and How to Train your Dragon while slightly intoxicated...
Malachi the Vision Elf stood awkwardly behind the Tree of Misgivings, silently waiting for the Alliance of Souls to come by. He tugged down his black tunic with one hand while moving his canvas bag out of view with his other. It was muddy beyond the gravel path, water seeping through his sneakers and onto his prescribed insoles. He balanced on a low Oak branch, hoping it would support his weight. The rain had stopped at the moment, causing a fine cool mist blew into his body, making him shudder and rub his cold hands under his thin white cape. His eyes settled on a raven nest as he sighed and took out an arm to quickly glance at his watch. It took an hour to convince the group leader Garrett to let him wear it during the game. Garrett wanted it to be authentic as possible; he had to convince him he was a Vision elf from the future to let him wear it. How else would he know when his mother was coming to pick him up? Garrett is a damn prat anyway, so he would have worn it anyway without permission. He smiled and waved at a young couple walking by. They raised their eyebrows at him suspiciously and pretended there wasn't a man dressed all in purple, wearing a white glitter wig hiding behind a tree. Malachi sighed and looked at his watch yet again. Where was everyone? He didn't make the tower of Wolves that hard! He blamed Garrett; he was always giving Henry a hard time about the rules and plot holes...
He heard the familiar shouts of an all too familiar barbarian. Malachi quickly adjusted his white wig and took out his appropriate equipment. He hesitantly peeked from his hiding spot so he can observe the group; they were inspecting the artefact he left in the middle of the path for them. The group was inter-racial, 4 humans; 2 warriors, a barbarian and a mage, 2 Elves and a single goblin. The 7 stayed in a huddle staring at a hand-sized rainbow painted rock.
"Stop! Everyone, look at this treasure!" announced the team leader Garrett.
He was adorned in beautiful red steel armour with a magnificent red cape fastened with a silver medallion of his family symbol. He held up the large, colourful rock proudly.
"You fool! Don't touch it! Who knows what it does!" Hissed Medusa, her black and purple dreads dangled in front of her face as she brushed them aside and held out her staff.
She swished her long black robes as she waved her long elegant staff out. "Drop it." She warned
Ragnarok, the giant barbarian covered in mismatched furs intervened, "ROCK BAD."
Garrett obeyed, allowing the object to fall to his feet. He stepped out of the way to allow Medusa to shut her eyes and to swing her arms and her staff.
"I call for the shadows of the majestic goddess Cliodna to swoop upon this...rock, and prevent any evil or harm to flow from its dangerous officials!"
She waited for Henry, a short blond, fat fellow wearing a white sweatshirt with the words REF on it to waddle forward. He read from a sheet;
"The rock does nothing"
Medusa dropped her arms, "I suppose it is save to touch."
Garrett swooped down to hold it out again, "This rock is our reward for our dangerous trek across Karora Swamp!"
Henry read from his sheet again, "The rock hovers and burns your hands minis 5"
Garrett gave a shout of pain, dropping the rock yet again, "AHHH! Witch! You put a curse on it!"
Medusa looked offended, "I did not!"
Ivy, a young elf-woman dressed in green and brown with plastic leaves on her green wig poked the rock and glanced at the human noble.
"She didn't Gare; in fact she set a spell to prevent injury. See, I'm fine." Holding her open hand out.
"Stay out this Elf, the witch put a fire spell on this treasure."
"TREASURE BAD"
"Yes we know Ranarock, how do you know Medusa set the spell?" asked Ruby, the leather-armoured woman with a large, ugly beaded necklace with a stuffed owl leaned upon her giant sword.
"It is because I touched it before and it didn't burn me! But after she put her terrible eye on it, it burned me! It was HER doing!"
"Come off it, Henry was in the back, he didn't see ya hold it." Dreadshade said as twisted the dark green foam on his ears and adjusted his long nose he made. He, like Ivy wore all green, just he was a goblin and not of the forest people.
"Adam, stay in character! Henry isn't here! HARK YOU VAGRENT! I challenge you to a duel Witch! Whoever wins gets the rock- I mean treasure!"
Medusa scoffed, "Ha, I'm a level 59 mage. I'm already proficient in all elemental magic AND hand-to hand combat. Besides, who says THAT is the treasure we seek?"
"I do! We came this far already, it must be the treasure."
Malachi decided this was far into the plot and leaped from his tree branch and onto the pathway. He swept his arms up high and laughed 'Aohohoh' until he was noticed.
"Aha! It is I!"
Fis-Hu the Air Elf held up his palm. He was elegantly dressed in his best; a sea-blue bath-robe, a blue wig with blue tribal tattoos decorated his silver face. He looked doubtfully at Malachi.
"Who is this new elf? We have never glazed upon your face. Tell us, who graces us with your rank?"
"I am Malachi Grimchanter, the last of the Vision Elves, the prophet of the islands of Illusions and the Head of the Harmony Caste!"
"Harmony Caste? What business do you ask of us Elf?" demanded Garrett, clutching his sword.
"ELF BAD" roared Ranarok, his faux fur waving about.
"Shush Ranarock, we do not know how him." Whispered Fis-hu
"True, but he may be benevolent." Medusa glared.
"Malevolent. Think Disney to help you remember." Corrected Ruby.
Being weaker characters, Ivy and Dreadshade took several steps away to avoid any injury, causing Garrett to grin.
"That's right; allow me and Ruby deal with this Elf! State your business or be off with you Vision Elf!"
Malachi took out his wand, a simple stick covered in a layer of bright yellow cloth.
"I seek with my gold wand of seekiness, the prophet of the Mystic Forest!"
"Ha! Don't try to trick us Elf! There is no prophet here among us!"
"Aha, I beg to differ! Which one of you calls himself Fis-Hu?"
The tall, calm man dressed in the blue wig stepped forwarded, "I am"
The group gasped
Medusa punched the thin man in the shoulder blade, "You never told us you were a prophet!"
Fis-Hu shuddered, "A past long forgotten. I rather stay loyal to my band mates then play lackey to a cultist federation of traitors."
"But you are! And because of your oath, you must continue your duties at the Waterfall palace in Galaticmere."
"He said no fiend!"
"FUSHUU FRIEND" shouted Ragnarock, waving his mighty battle axe around in defence. Fis-hu took out his own wand.
"I'll never go with you! I'm staying with my friends."
"You heard him Elf. Leave now or meet your fate with death!"
Malachi Laughed, "No one can stop me! I'm unstoppable!"
"A golden aura surrounds Malachi, defending him from any spells." Henry read loudly over the Barbarian's angry yells.
"Ah, come on! What do I do then?" whined Medusa, stomping her foot.
"Let the others deal with it." Laughed Dreadshade as he removed his knife from its stealth.
The other followed, removing their own weapons.
"AUUUUUHHHTAAACKKK!" shouted a voice from the bushes.
Everyone paused to watch as 4 figures leaped out from the bushes of un-forgiveness bearing weapons. Soldier, Medic, Heavy and Scout, covered in mud from their feet to their knees, adjusted their large weapons of choice.
"Surrender now maggots and you'll not be harmed!"
The Alliance of Souls stood and gawked in surprise.
"What do you know? Cosplayers are now invading our area. The convention center is 5 blocks that way you nuances. Git outta here!" Medusa yelled, her thump pointing over her shoulder.
"Don tell us what to do lady! We're not goin' anywhere"
"Cosplayers? Who're they?" asked Ivy
"Losers. They go around at conventions pretending to be characters from different media. In this case, a video game called Team Fortress 2. It's pretty sad really." Dreadshade answered, scratching under his false noise, smudging the green paint he painted on his face.
"We're having an epic adventure here! Go away." Medusa threatened.
Garrett posed dramatically.
"You heard her! Get out before we remove the foam from our weapons!"
The RED team members appeared out of sorts with their current surroundings. They looked remarkably like the characters from the video game, all to the scratches on the Soldiers helmet. But of course, they couldn't be the real thing; such ridiculous notions can't function in our own world.
"Seriously? Buddy, I'm afraid you'er a little unequipped for this battle."
Garrett was not used to being threatened.
"My sword is finest metal welded by the great hero, King Ronin the third!"
"Who? What have you been smoking son?"
Rustling from the prickly thorn patch of Dragons took the alliance by surprise yet again, as the remainder of the RED team dragged themselves outs. With leaves and branches stuck on their bodies and mud covering their legs they stumbled from their vantage point and tried to compose themselves.
"Sorry we're late, Demoman had the map upside down."
"I did all I cud." Muttered the Demoman, bowing his head ashamed of his failure to read maps.
Ragnarock stood in front of his team.
"RED TEEM BAD!"
"Is that man mental defective?"
Ragnarock look offended, his axe fell with his arms,
"Excuse me? I'm a barbarian! Don't you see?" he said defensibly, waving his axe
"STAY IN BLOODY CHARACTER? Is it that bloody hard to say 10 words?" spat Garrett.
"My throat hurts." Muttered the barbarian.
Henry fumbled with various papers and stuttered,
"I- I don't see any of you signed up for today's battle"
"Of course not fatty"
"We donne havta sign up. Wer gettin' paid."
Garrett held up two fingers and whispered to Malachi, "John, is this part of the plot?"
"You're out of character."
"My bloody fingers are up! See? Now, are they part of the game or not?"
"They aren't. You were all supposed to battle me and take my experience. These guys just popped out of nowhere."
"Huh...let's play along for now... might be fun." Garrett muttered, putting his fingers down.
"Madame; Je chercherai des ordures pour toi et je commencerai dedans mes pantaloons." Spy whispered suggestively.
Ivy giggled madly, "Oh you."
"Your weapons! They're so real looking! Where did you get 'em?" asked Ruby admiring Scout's Force-of-nature.
"Mann co. Um... that's nice Jewry you have on."
"I'm cursed. If I take it off I die."
"Zhat's... zhat's morbid..."
While Dreadshade and Fis-hu were quickly re-applying their makeup, Ragnarock chatted pleasantly with the Engineer.
"You see, whenever I have trouble with Spies, I build a teleporter behind my position, and so if they try to backstab me, they find themselves teleported right in front of my sentry."
"But then he'll just target your teleporters- hold it! You say don't work for BLU, how do you know how'y ta build my patented death structures?"
Garrett interrupted.
"Tell us brave warriors! What brings you to the vast Forests of the King of Spirits?"
"Vat?"
"State your business if it's for good intentions! Are you friend or foe?"
"Speak American."
"What rubbish is this?"
"For heaven's sake."
Ivy stepped forward and spoke as she counted on her fingers,
"What do you want? Why are you here? Are you here to play with us? There... was so hard to just say like that?" her annoyed attention fell on the disgruntled Noble.
Garret put up his two fingers up, "I have an elegant language code at level 8! I'm going to use it!"
Sniper nudged Heavy in his side, "Who are these wackos?"
"These aren't BLU team."
"I told you Zoldier, zey're just playing made-belief in za forest."
"Maybe you should have told us before we attacked then!"
"I did! Zeven times!"
Garrett felt out of his ledge. It was like he was talking to a bunch of people who never LARPed before. They are Cosplayers! Why aren't they playing along?
"My god... this is nonsense." Muttered Dreadshade, taking out a 'mana potion'.
Soldier's Rocket launcher was removed from his shoulder,
"Well then, if you're not BLU, who are you."
Garrett stood up straight.
"I am Garrett Von Albion, the heir to the throne of all the kingdom of-"
"Hrugh. Sorry for interrupting Mr. Fancypants, but this is WAR here! Not made-up stories through the wild west."
"It's not made up! It's adventure! And we're in a war too! The evil savage King and Queen of Ruleland have waged war upon our peaceful lands!"
"That sounds lame, we have an evil corporation and you got a royal ass and some broid?"
"Yeah, we got it much worse."
"Henry, what's the deal with these people?" whispered Ruby to the much shorter Henry who resembled a frightened walrus.
"I told you, they aren't signed up! I don't know who they are! There isn't a convention this month!"
Soldier gave a firm poke upon Henry's soft chest.
"You can't scare us wuss! We'll defend this central control point until our daring breath! Won't we men!"
The RED team cheered waving their class specific equipment about. Henry scurried away to catch his breath behind Dreadshade.
Fis-Hu looked around and raised an eyebrow, "What control point?"
Soldier amused smile fell back into anger.
"You think this is a joke? This is serious young lady! While you're sleeping soundly, we're defending useless points in the middle of nowhere!"
"I'm a man."
"You're wearing a wig. And that's another thing! Why are there so many women in your troop? Battle is no place for a lady."
Ivy and Ruby giggled in response to being called ladies, Medusa however grew more impatient
"When evil stretches across our world, everyone's lives become part of the battle."
"Heh, yer right miss. But uh-why are you wearing an octopus on yer head?" asked Engineer politely.
"An octopus? It's my hair! I'm a 56th level Shaman Amazon Mage! It proclaims my rank in my society."
"It looks like a sea fish lass."
The RED team laughed callously as Medusa's anger increased.
"All of you piss off, I want to enjoy my goddamn grand escapade today and not be pushed around by a bunch of losers who-"
"Elizabeth, please calm down."
Medusa grabbed a fist full of dreads and swung her body meanly towards Ruby.
"I spent 2 of my pay checks on my hair! It's custom! And they mocked it!"
"You spent all that money on that? Sorry ma'am, but I think you've been had." Chuckled Engineer as he leaned causally against his shotgun.
"Well, look at you! You and you're custom made costumes look exactly like in the game. Where did you get them made? How much did that cost you?"
"They gave them to us."
Medusa had no response.
Henry was pale; he looked like he was going to have a heart attack. His sweat mixed with the rain that was lightly falling upon his greasy head. He gulped for air as he tugged on the much taller Garrett's arm and hissed fearfully.
"I think we should do what they say, those guns look real. And I don't like the way that big guy is staring at me."
"Nay fellow advisory, they are no match for us! Good always prevails over evil!
"RED TEEM SMASH"
The RED team responded by positioning their own weapons. Heavy Weapons guy for one took a mighty step forward, his minigun spinning right in front of Henry who used his clipboard as a shield, waddled to hide behind the goblin.
Malachi leaped in the middle of the two groups and held out his hands
"Okay, everyone calm down. I'm sure we can all get along here. Red team, how about you take the south side of the park, and we'll move down towards the parking lot."
"No deal fairy."
"Elf."
"Eh?"
"I'm a Vision Elf."
"Oh... well, we don't make deals with drag queens."
"Alright, fine, have your damn point. Have the whole forest. We'll just go and carpool to the pub." Malachi said giving up.
"Hell with that, I'm not going." Dreadshade said crossing his arms in anger.
"Same. We're not done our mission."
"What type of alliance would we be if we run away from every danger? What would Ivys adopt parents of Lobster cats say if they saw her flee from all peril?"
"Shut it you fraud. It's rainy, my makeup is runny and I'm cold." Fis-hu hissed, crossing his arms.
"And I could go for a pint and a burger." Ragnarok stated, smiling broadly, placing his foam axe against a tree.
"HALT! None of you are going anywhere! We came here to defend a point, and that's what we will do! Whether you want to fight or not."
"Da."
"Righteous"
"Yeah"
"Oui."
"I just never held a map before..."
"This is a public forest you dolts! There. IS. NO. BASE. HERE."
An idea crossed Malachi's mind, a dangerous, delicious, wonderful idea that may get them either killed, or fined for property damage, but it was worth trying.
"Everyone, take 5, I'll deal with these cosplayers."
"What did you call us?"
"Sorry, the red team. Go one, I'll deal with em'."
He shooed the disgruntled LARPers towards the Tree of Misgivings and returned to the RED team, who lingered on dropping their weapons.
"I have a composition."
"Like we said, we're not going anywhere without a battle."
"Very well red team-"
"That's RED to you wuss."
"You'll have your battle. But, it will be under our terms."
Everyone stared blankly.
"What sorta terms?"
"Easy, take about 10 minutes, make a quick character, take some of our spare weapons and garb and battle us for Spirit Forest. No real killing, just tapping. Last team standing gets the area."
"Wot? You expect us to go about waving fake weapons, shoutin' on top of our lungs like a buncha kids?"
"That sounds fun! Count us in!"
"Fantastic, take the manual and make a quick character."
"Hold on, we didn't agree to this!" Engineer stammered, accepting a bundle of clothes. Malachi quickly grabbed the prop cart and wheeled it to their general direction.
"It won't take long. With your experience with battles, I'm sure you can manage."
Malachai quickly dumped the manual on top the pile of clothes he gave Engineer and retreated to the front of the pack, out of the way of the befuddled RED team members.
Engineer tried to respond, but Soldier put a hand on his shoulder.
"Go along with it Engie, faster we get rid of these medieval hippies, faster we can get out of this forest."
"You of all people, I thought you'd be damn opposed."
"I would... but I always wanted an excuse to wear this hat." Soldier took out the Tyrants Helm.
Malachi clapped his hands together, "Fantastic, get ready, I'll be over here. Tell me when you're ready to battle."
He strolled towards his group, who were chewing on homemade chewy bars brought by Dreadshade.
"Well, we leaving or staying?" asked Ruby, crumbs stuck to her chapped lips.
"No, we're finishing the game. We're going to battle re- RED for the forest. We need to strategize."
Henry looked like he was going to cry.
"Is- is anyone listening to me? We have boffer sticks covered in foam. THEY HAVE REAL WEAPONS!"
"Calm down Henry, they're just clever fakes. But they still are too hard to use in combat and they don't exist in this time frame."
"I dunno." Fis-hu sighed, "I really want a hummus plate now."
"We'll go to the pub after the match."
Garrett waved his Sword of Great Bearings and posed.
"Ship out everyone! We will show these strangers of the Darkness who really owns this forest!"
Meanwhile, a few meters away, Spy was miserable. He blew a puff of sweet smelling smoke and rubbed his temples with his free hand.
"I cannot believe this. I must be in coma, or in a sick version of my personal hell."
Medic agreed, "Ya, zis is unacceptable."
"Is not so bad Doktor. You can be happy Elf!"
"I vill not degrade myself in zhis manner!"
Nonetheless, the rest of the team didn't seem to mind, most were skimming through the garb bin grabbing clothes they thought looked pleasing and shoving each other for weapons. Scout was going through the manual left on the ground for people to look through.
"I wanna be a badass wizard who wants to take over the world!"
He flipped through the book, his face fell,
"Ugh, I havta SAY the spells? That's not like in comic books at all... Hello, a thief? Heh, 'hand-to-hand combat sufficient at level 2' Damn, I'm going thief."
That got the Spy's attention.
"Zat is more acceptable for my class non?" Spy responded, swiftly grabbing the black hood from the Scouts hands when he plucked it from on top of the garb bin.
"So? There can be two thieves. I call the starry cape!"
Scout budged in front of the Pyro to dive back into the garb bin and ripping out something purple.
"Magic runs in me families blood, I'll go mage." Demoman told Sniper, putting a big white robe on.
Sniper took out a bow and arrow set, "This will do nicely. I'm thinking going noble...a human noble"
Engineer, who was wearing 3 different types of robes one on top of the other, stared into the booklet,
"Sorry Sniper, Nobles can't have the bow, only swords and shields."
"Piss..."
"How don't you go as an Elf? You'll get to use magic spells too."
Heavy, who was admiring an ornate club, gave a hearty laugh, "Little man is afraid to use tiny sword?"
Sniper's face turned into a scowl, "Not true, I'm damn handy with a blade. Ya can't kill people with a sword from up high though."
Sniper looked towards the bow and made a hasty decision, "Fine I'll go Elf."
"What aboot you Engineer?" asked Demoman
"Me? I'm not sure... none of these races and classes seem to fit my description."
Scout laughed out loud, "Yer the shortest, go Dwarf!"
"That's just plain insulting."
"Nah, it's true, you'll be a grand dwarf!"
Engineer scanned in the booklet, "Hmm... well... says here I have Craft Arms, Armour and Devices already at Rank 3."
"Huh?"
"That means I'm a good builder. Alright, I'll be a Dwarf... says I need a beard..."
Engineer rummaged through the large bin, removing what looked like a fur scarf. He placed it with care around his neck.
"It looks like you wrapped a weasel around yer face."
"It's good enough." Engineer snapped
"Dokter, what fairly tale creature will you be?"
Medic who refused to remove his medigun pack was pouting while leaning against a tree.
"I'm not joining. Zis is zstipid."
"Medic, you will join us in this bonding activity or I will send a letter to the administrator myself on your lack of social interaction with the rest of the team. Now put on that chainmail and shut up."
Soldier shoved the chainmail shirt onto Medic's chest and walked off to pick a weapon. Medic observed the chainmail as Heavy's laugh rang in his ears.
"Come vith me doctor, you'll be little warrior."
"I zupsose."
Medic sighed as he hesitantly took off his medipack and pulled the chainmail down on top of his medic coat, feeling utterly broken. He raised an eyebrow at the Heavy Weapons guy, who was smearing grey paint on his face and arms.
"Vhat are you doing 'Eavy?"
"I am Giant! Giants are grey like stone."
Medic stared puzzle at his giant friend, sighed and placed a feathered green hat on his head.
Scout waved towards Demoman who was constructing a staff from a long branch.
"Hey Demoman! Pyro is gunna be a mage too okay!"
Demoman laughed, clapping his hand on the suited Pyro's shoulder.
"Aye, I wouldn't want any other to stand beside me!"
Pyro had fastened a flowing black cape around his shoulders and placed a floppy blue witch hat on. He mumbled through his filter and gave Demoman the thumbs up
"Hey Sniper, they're weird things on yer ears." Stated Scout, who was putting on a skull necklace on among a loose purple robe with a short starry cape.
Sniper, who replaced his normal brown vest with a green one, touched his ears gingerly.
"They're me ears mate. I'm an elf."
"That's so you. Maybe you'd want to pick a race that doesn't hide up a tree all day." Scout chuckled, waving a small sword.
Sniper smiled smugly, "Laugh all you want, I get to use magic."
"What! Not fair! I want to use magic too! Hand me a pair!"
Soldier put on a thick cardboard armour plate with a red cape and observed his crew.
"Everyone ready? MEDIC! What is that on your head!"
Medic's sullen face didn't change, he flipped the tip of his robin hood hat with a gloved finger.
"It iz classey."
Soldier snatched the fathered cap and dropped it on the much taller Snipers head.
"There, better. Now we ready?"
Taking a step back to observe his team like a sergeant would, he paced slightly to get the fighting mood to rise. Everyone looked disarrayed and lumpy, in mis-matched clothing tugged over their uniforms, holding their foam-covered weapons. Sniper was scratching the space that separated his fake ears from his real ones. They looked befuddled, awkward, out of place and unsure of themselves.
Soldier nodding in approval turned around to face the LARPers.
"You pansies ready over there?" He shouted towards the group of costumed individuals who were still huddled under their tree.
The Alliance glanced up and gasped in surprise and wonder.
The rain started up again. Malachi tossed his wand of seekiness behind him and replaced it with his ultimate weapon; the Sceptre of Sorrow. Rain collected into droplets upon the synthetic strands of coloured wigs and outfits. The Alliance stood up slowly, still shocked in the presence of their now dressed adversaries and stood gallantly side by side.
The groups stared at one another. Their confusion and uneasiness transformed into determination and fortitude. Their feelings of insecurity dissipated as they remembered the art of war and battle; they felt like they were battling for the first time. The RED team grinned madly, with the rain pouring down the sides of their faces.
Henry clutched Malachi's arm tightly and whispered in a low, fearful tone,
"Malachi...what have you unleashed on this world?"
Malachi smiled a cocksure grin and took out a lightning bolt.
The war for Spirit Forest had begun.