Suds, Soap and Semi-Aquatic Mammals
I don't own Phineas and Ferb. Dan Povenmire and Jeff 'Swampy' Marsh do.
…
Sunday was the worst day of the week for little Agent P.
Agent P had been in the middle of learning to hold a pencil in his front paw, trying to draw a circle on his notebook. He'd tried a few times, but the pencil slipped out of his paw. He growled in frustration and tried again. He managed to hold it long enough to draw a wonky, semi-circle before the stick of wood and lead fell and clattered on the floor. Agent P pouted. How could humans find this so easy? Closing their fingers around something and lift it, then draw or write or just plain hold without it slipping from their grasp.
Then he heard it.
Running water. He could hear the water collect in the bathtub. Oh no…
"Bath time, Agent P!" Major Monogram called to him in a sing-song voice.
Oh, sweet platypuses, no…
Agent P scrambled to his feet and ran for his dear, semi-aquatic life.
Major Monogram entered the room, and the last thing he saw was a beaver tail move into the corridor. Monogram sighed. "Not again…" He jogged after the semi-aquatic mammal.
Agent P ran as fast as his feet could carry him, down the hall. He slipped on the laminated floor, then slipped again as his claws tried to hang on to the floor. He used his front paws to open the double doors to the agent's quarters; otherwise known as their bedrooms. He leapt onto his bed (the one he rarely slept in, considering he almost always slept in Monogram's room) and slipped under the blanket.
Monogram entered the room. He looked around at the bunk beds. Monogram rolled his eyes, seeing the lump in Agent P's bed. Well, he thought, if that's the way Agent P wants to play… He placed a hand, horizontally, to his forehead. "Oh, no!" He cried, his tone sarcastic. "Where, oh, where, has my little platypus gone?" He looked under one bunk. "Here? No." He checked in the drawer. "Here? Nope. No platypus here."
Agent P didn't praise himself. Not yet. He tried to stop himself from trembling. No way was he going to go to that horrible place. The bathtub. He'd, obviously, had baths before, and they were nothing to cheer about. His fur always got covered in soapy foam and he always smelled, sickly, like lemons afterwards.
"Or…Here?"
And Agent P's cover was thrown off. Agent P got up on his hind legs and tried to run, but Monogram scooped him up in his arms. Agent P kicked and flailed, but to no avail. He chattered, but Monogram frowned. "Oh, no, Agent P. I know what you're trying to do. Using your platypus chatter to get outta this bath. Well, it's not gonna work, Agent P."
Agent P reached out for his bed, but Monogram held him tightly. The major walked into the bathroom. Several towels were on the radiators and one on the floor; for when Agent P got out. Monogram removed Agent P's fedora, placing it on the hook on the door. The platypus reached for it, but Monogram wagged a finger at him. "You'll get it back after your bath, Agent P."
Agent P frowned.
"Don't look at me like that, Agent P. Every agent has to bathe sometime, and today is your day." Monogram said.
Agent P slipped out of his arms and ran for the door, but Monogram shut the door with his foot. Agent P hit the door with his fist.
"C'mon, Agent P." Monogram pointed to the bathtub. "Get in."
Agent P crossed his arms and pouted.
"In." Monogram ordered, pointing to the tub.
Agent P shut his eyes and turned his head away. He, suddenly, couldn't feel his feet on the ground anymore and Monogram held him over the bath. He went to put Agent P in, but the platypus held onto the sides of the bath; preventing himself into getting into the water. "Get-" Monogram began, trying to put the mammal in again, but Agent P held onto one side and used his tail to hold onto the other. "In-" He tried again, but Agent P used one foot and one hand to hold onto one side, and his other limbs to hold onto the other. "The-" Another attempt, but Agent P used his tail to hold onto one side of the bath and used his bill on hold onto the other. "Tub!" Monogram huffed in frustration. "C'mon, Agent P! You wanna get clean, don't you?"
Agent P shook his head desperately.
"C'mon! Don't ya want a girlfriend one day?"
Agent P felt the confusion develop in his mind. What was a girlfriend? He knew girls, and they were his friends. Weren't they his 'girlfriends'?
Monogram seemed to sense this. "Ya know? Get a lady one day and have little platypuses- platypi?- platy-people? Whatever."
Oh, now Agent P got it. A lover. Agent P wanted to gag. Why would he do that? Agent P shook his head quickly.
"Of course ya do! Now get in the tub!" Monogram yelled.
Agent P tried to hang on to the sides, but it was no use. Agent P fell into the water with a splash. Agent P's head surfaced from the water and he let out a stream of water from his mouth. He scowled the best he could at Monogram, who rolled up his sleeves. Monogram saw the look on Agent P's face and his unibrow rose. "Oh, c'mon, Agent P. We do this every week, you should be used to it by now. Besides, you are a semi-aquatic mammal, I thought you liked water."
Agent P wouldn't let the scowl drop from his face. Monogram sighed and leaned closer. "C'mon, Agent P. This agency wants good agents, ones that bathe. So, please, do this for the agency."
The platypus still scowled.
Monogram sighed. "Alright. Not for the agency. Then…For me?"
Agent P's eyes widened. He stroked his bill in thought. Seeing through Monogram's plan, he shook his head.
"…I'll give ya another cookie at teatime today."
Agent P's eyes widened and he nodded quickly.
Monogram smiled. "Good, Agent P." He ruffled the fur on top of Agent P's head. Agent P shook himself.
Monogram grabbed a sponge and squirted some shampoo on it. He rubbed it across Agent P's back, the platypus' fur getting scruffy. The platypus batted it away. "Agent P…" Monogram warned.
Agent P pointed to the bottle and shook his head.
"What? You don't like the shampoo?"
Agent P crossed his arms and turned around.
Monogram rolled his eyes and sighed. Man, this platypus was difficult. He grabbed a different bottle of shampoo and squirted some onto the sponge. He rubbed it across the platypus' back. Agent P stopped fussing, and smiled; purring lightly. Monogram smiled. "So, it was the shampoo, huh? Well, now you can smell like apples."
Agent P chattered. Monogram held out a hand, and Agent P sat down in the word and held up his webbed feet. Monogram took them in one hand and rubbed the sponge over them. Monogram grabbed the showerhead and held it over Agent P. He turned on the tap and water sprayed out of the nozzle. Agent P ducked his head as the water cleared the foam away from his fur. The water was warm, the perfect temperature to bathe Agent P in. Before the platypus knew it, Monogram was wrapping a towel around him and lifting him out of the tub. Monogram placed him on the towel, set out on the floor, then held out a different towel in front of him. "Ok, shake."
Agent P stood on all fours and shook himself; droplets of water flying everywhere. Monogram peeked out from behind the towel and immediately tried to stop himself from laughing.
After shaking, Agent P's fur had puffed up and now he looked like a big, teal puffball with a platypus head and tail; little legs poking out from the fur. Monogram could no longer contain himself and burst into laughter.
Agent P scowled at him. You'd think he'd be used to it, considering this always happened whenever Agent P took a bath.
Monogram wiped a tear from his eye. He paused, seeing the look on the platypus' face, and his laughter seized. "Ah, come on, Agent P. You did look pretty funny."
Agent P's scowl didn't drop.
Monogram rolled his eyes and plugged in the hairdryer. Agent P's eyes widened in panic and he tried to run, but Monogram moved him back. "Ah-ah-ah, Agent P." Monogram wagged a finger at him.
Agent P's brow creased. Monogram flicked the switch on the hairdryer and aimed it in Agent P's direction; and hot air was blown into Agent P's face. Monogram moved the hairdryer to Agent P's back. The fur moved and smoothed out, losing its puffiness. Monogram stroked the platypus' fur, making sure it stayed smooth. "There we go." Monogram said, clicking off the hairdryer.
The platypus' fur was now only slightly damp. Monogram stood and smiled down at the platypus. Agent P stood on his hind legs and placed his front paws on his hips. "What?" Monogram asked.
Agent P scowled. A clear message of this look was, "Where's my extra cookie?"
"Oh. Right. That." Monogram scratched his hair. "Well…The truth is, Agent P, I, uh, had my fingers crossed…So, uh…yeah…"
Agent P's jaw dropped. He scowled and walked over to the door; jumping up and twisting the doorknob, before opening the door and walking out.
"Ah, come on, Agent P! Don't be like that! Agent P!" Monogram called.
…
Agent P sat on his bed, his back legs crossed and his front legs folded over his chest. How could Monogram lie to him like that? Wasn't the major his friend? The good guy?
The doors opened and Monogram peeked into the room. "Agent P! Teatime!"
Agent P didn't move.
Monogram's brow creased. Agent P hadn't chattered to him in an hour or so. "C'mon, Agent P, you wanna learn manners, right?"
Agent P looked over his shoulder, and the clear look of, "You don't have any" was spread across his face.
"Agent P, it was only a little lie." Monogram shrugged.
Agent P turned away.
Monogram sighed and walked over. He sat on the bed behind the agent. "Alright, Agent P, I'm sorry. I didn't wanna lie to ya, but you wouldn't bathe."
Agent P looked at him again, then let out his platypus sigh and walked over. He placed his hands on Monogram's leg. "You're forgiven," His big, brown eyes said.
Monogram smiled. "Thanks, Agent P." He brought his hand out from behind his back and placed the fedora on Agent P's head. "You forgot your hat, by the way."
Agent P smiled.
"Now, c'mon," Monogram said excitedly. "Teatime!"
Agent P's smile widened. He jumped down and bounded out of the room, Monogram jogging behind him.
…
Monogram watched as the platypus picked up his cup carefully and took a sip. The man watched to see if the platypus would drop it anytime soon. The monotreme still hadn't gotten the hang of holding things and Monogram didn't want the tea to fall into the mammal's lap. Cookie crumbs decorated the mammal's legs. And to think I just bathed him… Monogram thought. The major glanced at the bowl of cookies on the table. He sighed through his nose, just as Agent P placed his cup of tea down as carefully and as slowly as he could. Major Monogram took hold of a cookie and held it out. Agent P watched him suspiciously, deciding whether this was a trick or not. Monogram shook the cookie a little bit, giving the platypus permission and telling him that this was not a trick.
Finally deciding what to believe, Agent P all but snatched the cookie from him and immediately began to munch on it.
Monogram smiled. "Good, Agent P, good…"
…
Perry still didn't like bath time.
Phineas squirted some shampoo onto a sponge. He rubbed it over Perry's back. Perry edged away and Phineas stopped. "Hey, Ferb,"
The green-haired boy looked at him.
"I don't think Perry likes this shampoo." Phineas shook his head, the citrus-y smell of lemons reaching his nose. Ferb searched through the cabinet and found a different bottle, then squirted some onto the sponge.
"There you go, Perry. Now you can smell like apples!" Phineas exclaimed, taking the sponge back from Ferb and rubbing it over Perry's stomach.
Perry smiled.
He didn't get cookies from Phineas after a bath, but the hugs he got from the triangle-headed boy were acceptable too.
…
Author's note:
I'm not sure what exactly you guys love most about these one-shots, but, apparently, you adore them; so here's another one.
If there's one thing I can always imagine happening with baby Perry, it's getting a bath from Monogram. Perry's not very fond of the bathtub…despite being a semi-aquatic mammal.
And don't worry, Jaida857, I'll get to your requests as soon as I can.
Unfortunately, my science teacher has given me yet another project. So, I'll probably be busy with that. I dunno. I don't have a schedule like Phineas, Ferb or Baljeet do. Yeah…Guess who was singing 'Rollercoaster' from Phineas and Ferb Rollercoaster: The Musical while doing their science project (which is to design our own theme park rides)? Yeah. Me.
I'm going to be stereotypically British here (yes, for those of you who do not know, I am British) and say: Cheerio!