Disclaimer: We do not own Star Trek or characters thus associated. Nor do we own any phrases from Family Guy. But we do own our twisted humor.

Rated R for Really Nasty

Deep in the bowels of season five, Tuvok awoke from a restless night of sleep. He wandered the corridors until he caught the sent of something strange. His quest to track it down led him to the bridge where he was immediately overwhelmed with the scent of tuna. He proceeded slowly to Janeway's ready room. He paused, and slowed his breathing to help him hear what was going on beyond the door. He heard some obscure Japanese references….

" Fukingawa, You Eat!" said a laughing voice.

"Why do I always have to go first?" said a muffled voice.

"Because I outrank you, Commander…"

Tuvok's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.

"Is there something I can do for you Lieutenant?" asked Ensign Harry Kim from the command chair.

"Does anybody else smell tuna?" replied Tuvok just as Tom Paris walked onto the bridge to relieve the helmsman.

"Well, I did have fish for lunch….heh heh oooooohhh riiight!"

Tom and Harry giggled at that. Tuvok raised his eyebrow and said, "Indeed".

"I do not believe you are the only one who is having fish for lunch" Tuvok said as he turned to leave the bridge.

Harry turned to Tom looking confused, "What did he mean by that?"

"I'll tell you when you're old enough…."

Tom looked at the ready room door and wondered….

RED ALERT! ALL HANDS TO BATTLESTATIONS!

Captain Janeway came running out of the ready room doors with her hands at her waist, followed by Chakotay who wiped his mouth on his sleeve.

"Report" started Janeway when she noticed the looks on Tom and Harry's faces as they tried to hold back their grins. She immediately realized that she had been pranked. As she prepared to let them have it, she pulled down and smoothed her jacket. All of a sudden, everybody's jaws dropped and Chakotay tapped her on the shoulder while clearing his throat.

"What? Chakotay don't bother me right now, I'm trying to discipline the crew."

She paused to see a silent Tom Paris pointing downward with his index finger. Time slowed as she looked down to see what the deal was. There she stood, frozen in shock. Her pants were around her ankles and her Starfleet issue granny-panties with a wet spot were in plain sight of the entire bridge crew…

Captain Janeway awoke in her quarters, dripping with sweat.

"Whew, it was only a dream" she sighed as she rolled over and wrapped her leg around Chakotay.