This is my first Alexander FanFiction, yeay! It's gonna be in chapters, so this is only the first. I've been writing it since the night Alexander came out and I got home . You must forgive me tho, I work 2 jobs, but I'm dedicated to this story with all my heart. Nearly all my free time is gonna go into this fic. Review if you like, I'd appreciate it I love reviews!
Chapter 1: Surfacing Feelings
We walked into Babylon, and oh how great such a victory felt! Alexander in all his glory, riding in to be greeted with such respect and honor. We all went our ways in exploring the great castle of sorts for the royal family. We conversed in a room Alexander chose to be his own, then followed him to explore further, stopping in a room of harem girls. Alexander held a great respect for the different cultures of the world, wishing not to destroy one tyrant and replace him with another. He let the people keep their ways, and in doing such greatened his glory and respect. He and I were always close, I always loved him, and I suspect that he might always have loved me.
We parted ways again after he granted this freedom to the royal family. I walked around in what seemed like a maze of hallways and stairs, until at last, I saw him. Being king could be a very lonely position, and a very risky one at that. His eyes always portrayed the deepest trust, and friendship a person can have for another to me. And love? We never spoke of love, though I knew in my heart I loved him deeply. He was reading a letter from his mother, as a young boy drew a bath for him. He dismissed the boy after my agreeing to stay the night with him. We spoke of the battle and how he was looked at. His mother and father, and the dreams he had still to go east.
"Like a deer listening in the wind you strike me still Alexander… You have eyes like no other. I sound as stupid as a schoolboy would…" I began. He smiled and I drew him into a tight hug. "You're everything I care for, and by the sweet breath of Aphrodite, I'm so jealous of losing you to this world you want so badly."
"You'll never lose me Hephaistion," he reassured me, hugging me tighter. "I'll be with you always, til the end." We pulled away, but there was a thickening awkwardness growing between what little space was between us. I smiled softly and touched his face.
"Let me to my room to gather some things," I said. He nodded in agreement, and hesitantly turned back to look at the city shrouded in night. I left him to his thoughts as I went to gather my things from the room I was planning to stay in down the hall. I returned shortly and watched him from the doorway. He was forever looking off the balconies at the world below. I, and only I could've snuck behind him and took him by surprise, though I wonder if he didn't sense me half the time, always knowing I was there, but never how close a proximity. Alexander turned and looked longingly at me.
"Hephaistion," Alexander said softly, looking at me once more, stirring me from my thoughts. I moved into the room. "Close the doors?" he requested. I turned and shut them behind me, and walked to his beckoning stare. We sat side by side on his new bed, in the vast and lavish bedroom. "What do you think of?" he asked. We both looked straight down at the floor, at our feet perhaps.
"The great victory," I replied, lifting my head to stare at the wall across the room.
"Your thoughts are deeper still Hephaistion… What do you think of?" Alexander asked again. This time he lifted his head to look at me. Those eyes, far beyond compare, I could feel them staring at me questionably.
"Alexander… I think of your greatness. I think of your kind and loving nature and your courage and ambition that have taken us this far. I think of how glorious it is to be by your side in battle, and how wonderful it is that we are as close as we are. You are truly great," I replied, hesitantly turning my head, but only slightly. I could not look him in the eye, for fear of something I could not explain. Something inside me told me to hold my tongue for fear of rejection, or to lose this closeness with my oldest and dearest friend. For if I told him that I loved him now, he would surely hear the undertone of feeling in it and awkwardly turn from me. The love we shared was only in friendship, it always had been.
"Surely the concept of our traveling further on is not what frightens you. We have come so far against the most unfavorable odds. Outnumbered, we claimed victory because of the strength and courage of not simply I, but every Greek and Macedonian following. We have done what seems impossible, and we will continue victorious until the ends of the Earth. We have such spirit, as to win any battle we may face in our journeys. We are favored by the Gods, Hephaistion. Surely these are not the reasons why you cannot look me in my eyes and tell me what it is that lies deeper still, unsettling in your soul," Alexander said. I took great pride in all he said, and looked forward to our continuing journey, battles, lands, places we may never even begin to dream up… And still he knew somehow that I was not speaking completely.
"I fear to speak words that may mean everything Alexander," was all I said. I felt his hand lightly touch my cheek and I looked at him. Our eyes made contact and there was no denying that feelings I had were the ones he sought from me.
"And they may mean worlds more to me spoken than hidden in your eyes," he whispered. His lips pressed to mine and my eyes fell closed. I could feel his breath on my lips as he pulled slightly back.
"I am in love with you Alexander," I whispered, hand moving to his face. I slowly opened my eyes, and began gently stroking his cheek.
"And I am in love with you, my Hephaistion," he replied, lips upon mine once again. My mouth opened instinctively, feeling his lips part just the same. His tongue and mine met awkwardly, this being our first kiss, but not just between us, ever. He had never made to woo any girl, for we spent far too much time together. This was something Olympias frowned upon and scolded Alexander for. We moved further on to the bed away from the edge. I was beneath him then, eyes still closed, as his fingers traced down my chest. I bit my lower lip, feeling his lips and tongue at my neck. He pushed my robe off my shoulders and I opened my eyes to look at him again. I sat up to shrug the garment off completely, helping him to do the same.
"Alexander… is this what you want?" I asked. I'm not sure why I said it, other than maybe I couldn't really believe it was happening. This was much more than lust; it was such a pure form of love, that my mind refused to believe that he'd returned my words, my feelings, my kiss. Perhaps I need the reassurance that he did feel such things as I felt.
"What do you mean Hephaistion?" Alexander replied, very confused. I began to feel self-conscious, for maybe it wasn't meant to be this way. Perhaps we were meant to stay eternally loyal friends, and complete each other's souls with this bond. Perhaps the Gods did not plan for us to fall in love, nor did they want it to be. Who knows such answers to these questions, for I did not, though I wished it weren't so.
"There are younger, more attractive boys and girls. People are dying to be at your side. You can have anyone you want," I said, feeling tears behind my eyes. He pulled me closer still, pressing his lips hard onto my own. He looked at me with that same look of longing and loneliness that he only ever let me see and I knew that it was me he wanted. He seemed as though he wanted to cry, to see me as distraught as I was.
"Hephaistion… you have always been in my life. You've been there for me, and loved me, spoken with me on any and every matter. You're the only one who speaks true to me and doesn't twist up stories from hate and despise of others to make your point and disregard any other element of a conversation. You have always loved me, and I have always loved you. You are the only one with my complete trust. You are beautiful to me in a way no other can be, and in ways no other will ever compare to. You are my companion, and everything to me. Who else is there that could ever mean as much?" he asked, searching for an answer we both knew did not yet exist.
"No other," I replied. "I just fear what your mother might say to you if she," I began. Olympias had never spoken ill to me, but her eyes held such scorn and loathing toward me. He had been hers until the moment he met me. From that day there was a bond between us like none had seen or would ever see again. She saw it in his eyes when he looked at me, and knew what would come of it, and I had not seen it for the life of me, until just moments ago. This is why I was never a welcomed friend, though the most welcomed of any that Alexander became a friend to in his life.
"My mother be damned, she and her sorcery. I am not perfect, nor is any, and she cannot get that through her head. I try so hard to be strong and not make mistakes, yet she is never satisfied by anything I do. I cannot prove myself to her, neither should I have to. None of those matters mean anything to you, for you love me how I am not how you think I should be. It is you I love and I will not suffer like she has in a loveless marriage out of necessity. Calm and quiet your fears Hephaistion, they are for naught. Worry not of anyone or anything else. For you are the source of all my affection, and it is your soul that intertwines with my own. No one shall ever have with me what it is that you do. Never," he added softly, placing a kiss on my forehead.
It is these words I hear over and over again, watching him retreat to her room night after night… It is the words he said, the love we shared, and the love we made that night that keeps me from falling apart…
"Alexander," I whispered softly as his lips moved to my neck. He bit gently, causing me to twitch beneath him. One of his hands traced down my arm, locking fingers with mine. He looked at me, smiling, happier than I thought I could ever see him, and it nearly brought me to tears.
"You are everything to me… everything," he said, barely a whisper. He kissed my eyelids closed, moving then to my lips.
"That means the world to me Alexander. There will never be an empty place in my heart, for it will always be filled with you. And forever on will my heart belong to you" I replied, tangling fingers in his hair as we kissed again. More than anything else, knowing I held the highest place in his heart was the very air I took in.
"So often did I wish to tell you, before the battle today… It is why I wanted you to stay with me yesterday night. I feared I might lose you, though nothing could ever tear me from you, or you from I. So scared you have been of feelings that we both have felt forever," Alexander said looking in my eyes again. I brushed a lock of hair from his face, smiling slightly, still nervous inside. Such a declaration had been declared, and I had no reason not to believe this love, or that it would not be everlasting. Still, though, something tugged lightly in the back of my mind, things I could not yet imagine tearing him away from me. "So troubled still, you seem Hephaistion…" Alexander murmured sadly, feeling as though he was guilty already of betraying his word.
"I could not tell you why Alexander… I do not really know what it is," I replied, hurt that he felt guilty, and feeling guilty that he was also hurting from some gnawing feeling I could not shake.
"Then I believe you, for you have never once lied to me. But Hephaistion, it pains me to see you as such. I want for a smile and happiness to embody you always. You should never have to frown, especially not with me," he responded, tracing a finger over my lips. "Love should not spawn sadness or regret. It should be beautiful, and shining as the stars in the sky."
"You speak of love as though you've always known it Alexander," I said softly, knowing well of his upbringing and the constant fights between his mother and father, and their overwhelming urge to control him. It was perplexing to most, his relationship with them. He hated both as much as he loved them, defending each to the other parent. Nobody could understand that one may be angry and hate someone and still love him or her beyond all reason. I know this now, personally, because of Roxane. I never hated Alexander for what he did, but my heart was deeply scarred and I was left very hurt and upset with him.
"I have known it since first we met Hephaistion. It was you who saved me from my parents, and made me feel as though I could decide on my own who to be. I loved, love them both dearly, but never did they let me be myself. You embraced my presence, my soul, and stayed with me through all, and have still through all the years passed. You have shown me a dedication and love deeper than any might hope to find in their entire lives. My love feels inadequate in comparison to all you've given and shown," Alexander said softly, looking as though he was holding back tears.
"I only ever wanted your friendship Alexander. I never would've asked for you to love me this way, for fear of losing you completely. The gods have blessed me for you to have returned my love in this way," I replied. He smiled, still fighting tears, as I fought my own. He moved so we were both on our sides facing each other. I moved to kiss him this time, needing so desperately to feel him, to know I was not dreaming, and that he was truly here in front of me.
"I would love you if the Gods condemned me to all eternity in Hades," Alexander whispered. I felt a tear slide down my cheek, and he smeared it with his thumb. "Cry not Hephaistion, never will I stop loving you," he whispered into my ear.
"And forever shall I love you, Alexander," I whispered.
"I am yours completely now," he mused, tangling fingers in my hair.
"My Alexander," I mused as well. I smiled softly, leaning to steal his breath away with another kiss. He made love to me until the sun began to rise in the distant sky. His mouth and tongue exploring places I'd never dared to touch myself. I was the only one he'd ever been with, and I thought I would be the only one he ever would know so intimately as this. He was inside me, and so gentle was the pain that I could barely feel it and quickly it passed. His eyes were full of passion and desire, as were my own, but he wanted so much for my happiness, that it too shown in his eyes as he made love to me.
I made soft, shallow moans, wanting to drown in the feeling. Though at the same time never wanting to tear my gaze from his own. He touched me as we made love, nervous, anxious, wanting to pleasure me while reveling in his own feelings. It was so pure, and so beautiful. It was a perfect representation of the feelings we had shared for so long. Alexander and I held on so desperately to it, even when it was over, when orgasmic release had wracked through us over and over. Sweat glistened on us, we panted, letting go a last time as we realized how long we'd been going. He moved drenched hair from my face and kissed lightly all over my face, before taking one last deep kiss from me, stealing my breath away. I combed fingers through his hair, massaging his scalp. We were worn down, tired, but soiled nonetheless. He got up to redraw the bath with hot water.
"Alexander, let me," I began, only to have his gaze quiet me. He came over to the bed, and scooped me up in his arms. He sat behind me gathering water in his hands, and letting it fall upon my body, cleaning me. I smiled to myself, for I had never been happier in my life, than I was right now. He kissed the back of my neck, fingers massaging my back, relaxing me into a state of serenity I had never known before. I fell back against him, turning my head to kiss his jaw, as my eyelids fell heavy.
"Tired?" he joked. My eyes closed and I smiled.
"Extremely," I replied with a contented smile.
"I… I didn't hurt you did I?" he asked sympathetically. I'm sure he asked for he meant to earlier, but was lost in the feeling. I could feel him tense behind me.
"It was a faint pain at the beginning. Far better than any battle scar we've come to embrace," I joked. "It was worth all the pleasure you gave me." I opened my eyes and smiled at him. He smiled back and relaxed once again, kissing my temple. He wrapped his arms around me tightly.
"I wish never to hurt you Hephaistion. Even to give you all the pleasure in the world. I love you far too much to ever see you in pain," Alexander whispered.
"We should sleep. It is late… or exceedingly early rather. It will be a long day, you will need rest," I said, moving slightly to look in his eyes. They were soft and warm, full of love and disregard for what I'd said.
"They can wait. I would not give this moment up to sleep, for all the land and power in the world," he said, cupping my cheek, caressing it with his thumb.