Summer Waves:
You Said You Never Would Leave Me Alone
Part I
"Are you coming or what?"
"I reeeeeally don't think I should," Amy said.
"Amy… It's been two months. You're gonna have to see her some time."
"Maybe…"
"You really think you'll be able to completely avoid her when you two are at school stuck in the same classrooms and roaming the same halls?"
"No," Amy said grumpily. She was sitting on her bed and refusing to move. It was just like Shane to push her to do something she didn't feel comfortable doing.
The bonfire party was going to be huge. It was the unofficial end-of-summer party. Liam Booker's parents bought booze and reserved half the fucking beach. Shane and Liam had both been there all morning holding the spots with a few others and setting up the long plastic tables for beer pong and the brand new volleyball nets they had purchased just for tonight's event. They even bought glow in the dark volleyballs, several fog machines, tropical blow-up decorations, power generators for the dj equipment, some new fancy inflatable hot tubs, and an unlimited supply of red-solo cups.
"I'm not going if you don't come," Shane said defiantly.
"But you're so excited!" Amy said sadly. All Shane had been talking about for weeks was how fun the party was going to be. He had invited everyone, even some of the new freshman. It had been all over facebook and even Amy had seen how excited people were and how many people had claimed they'd be coming.
"I mean, yeah, sure. It's going to be the best party of the entire year but if you don't come, I mean it, I'm just gonna skip it."
"Shane…" Amy knew that once he put his mind to something Shane was bound to follow through. He would skip the damn party he helped plan. He would do that just to get her to feel bad about acting crazy over Karma.
"What's it gonna be?" He asked, holding up an oversized sweater that he had bought for her randomly the day before at H & M on their mopey trip to the mall. He had dragged her there to cheer her up but when she spent the whole time depressed he kept the present he had bought her. Now he was offering it back.
Amy looked up at it and saw how excited he was.
"Everyone is going to be there. Think about it."
"She'll be there…" Amy stressed.
"So what," Shane smiled. "You gonna avoid everything fun this year just because Karma might be involved?"
"No…" Amy said, looking down at her hands and noticing the manicure she had gotten yesterday at Shane's urging.
"Come on then… What are you waiting for?"
"Courage…" She huffed. And here she thought it had been obvious.
Part II
She put on leggings, a tank, sandals, and the new sweater Shane had bought.
"She's gonna eat you up in that."
"Shane," Amy groaned. She didn't want Karma to see her. Karma had been filled with apologies and excuses. Karma had no idea how bad Amy had been feeling without her. There was no easy way to approach things. Amy just wished they could part ways forever. But that obviously wasn't possible.
Shane drove her in his car. They stopped at jack-in-the-box on the way and he got her a soda and some fries. There was going to be food at the beach but the drive was long and Amy was already too antsy and upset to be soothed by just his comforting words.
Everyone was going. Everyone would be there.
They pulled up around dusk. The sun was going down on the water and Amy marveled at it. It was gorgeous.
Outside the car there was already so much laughter. The music boomed out into the air and neon lights flashed in long shifting streams all around the sand, lighting up the teens and causing Amy to reluctantly smile. It was going to be fun. Shane had been right.
"I'm gonna go check on Liam," Shane said, moving Amy by the shoulders and leaving her to stand in the parking lot. She stared out at the water and walked straight out into the sand towards the only area of beach that hadn't been invaded yet by her fellow classmates and horny little friends.
The breeze shifted and began to hit her. She closed her arms around herself and sat down on the sand once she got close enough to the water to feel safely distanced from the others. She stuck her bare toes in the sand and felt the warmth of it. Since the sun had only just gone down there was still a little bit of warmth left in her summer night.
"Hey you," a familiar voice hit her ears. It crept up behind her lovingly and felt like a dream. Or a nightmare. Amy allowed her eyes to close in the mixed pain and pleasure. That feeling she felt on hearing the soothing sound of Karma's voice. It was better than a memory, that voice was like haunting beautiful music.
"Hey," Amy sighed heavily. She tucked her knees in closer to her chest and hugged them tighter, dipping her head down between her knees so that she wouldn't be tempted to see her.
"Can I sit with you?"
"Sure," Amy said, though she felt like instantly crying. It had taken Karma about 3 seconds to find her. She had only been on the sand for a minute or so, that was all.
Air brushed Amy's side as Karma sat down close to her and tried her best not to touch her, not just yet. She wanted to but she knew that Amy wouldn't like it.
The wind blew them hard. Since the sun was just disappearing and the last trail of orange had almost disappeared from the water, the cold was finally setting in after hours of nothing but heat.
"I've been missing you," Karma confessed sweetly, looking over at Amy and knowing why Amy couldn't look back. Her friend was going through something huge and it killed her to know that her presence was damaging her. "I love you."
"Karma… I almost didn't come because I can't see you," Amy said quietly. She was trying to hold it together.
"I'll leave you alone, I promise. I just…" Karma waited. She looked out at the water and tried to let herself savor the moment. Naturally, she too felt like crying.
Next to her, Amy heard as Karma let out a sweet and heavy sigh. "I do love you," Karma said. She said it softly though and it was almost like she was talking to a ghost or to the wind.
"I know," Amy said, her voice a lot shakier than she had hoped it would be.
Since Amy kept her head down Karma got up quietly and walked slowly away. That would be enough for now. At least Amy still knew.
It was colder after she left. Amy let her head come up. The sun was gone. The wind was strong.
The music from the scene to the left of her was beginning to grow louder. She laid back on the sand and sighed. On top of everything else the moon had been full as it climbed its way into the sky.
Part III
The party was actually a lot of fun from the very start. If it hadn't been for that first few minutes Amy could've probably been happy for a night, distracted enough to forget herself, forget Karma. But Karma had been there and Amy knew that she had every right to be.
"Stop thinking!" Shane whined, handing her a red cup filled with pineapple goodness. Oliver, of all people, had mixed up some crazy concoction in an oversized bowl and people were eating it up because it was delicious.
"Stop telling me what to do," Amy warned. She drank more of the punch and felt the alcohol swim to her head. She couldn't eat so she kept on drinking. Her appetite had been crap lately.
"Hey Amy!" Oliver said, walking up to her in his high water pants. Just to be hilarious he had done away with his shirt at the first chance he got earlier. Fitting in was too easy and he was actually starting to enjoy it.
"Hi," Amy smiled. He was taller and he had gotten a haircut recently.
Shane disappeared quickly after throwing her a wink.
"Wanna dance?" Oliver asked.
"Sure," Amy laughed. Oliver had this way of getting her to calm. Mostly Amy just knew that Oliver thought all of this was ridiculous. If he was playing along at all it was for the fun in the irony, the beauty in the bullshit.
Amy threw her drink back and chugged it down.
"Whoa! Careful there, I didn't make that weak," Oliver noticed. He had forgotten how wild she was. She always seemed wild. Fickle. Crazy. Amy Raudenfeld was unpredictable and everyone in school knew that now. Only Karma knew the truth. Only Karma could tell that this was desperate Amy, troubled Amy, reckless Amy. Amy was uncomfortable in her own skin and she really didn't wanna be.
"I didn't come here to be careful," Amy breathed shakily, pulling him by the hand and bringing him to the middle of the dance floor.
There was a girl at the dj table spinning records. She was hot but Amy was trying to ignore that.
"Are you sure you're alright?!" Oliver asked. Amy wasn't usually like this. Amy was usually pretty anti.
"Shut up." Amy said, pulling him close and dancing up on him, surprising him in every way.
"Fuck, it's not fair. Why do you get to be topless," Amy groaned as she felt the tight warm skin of his body. She pushed him off for a second and moved her hands down to the hem of her sweater, pulling it up and off of her, not noticing that her tank had come off too.
From a distance Karma had been watching. She was sitting next to Liam and just staring, wishing things could change.
When Amy's shirt came off Karma was stunned. She couldn't move or breathe. She just stared and felt mortified.
Amy pulled Oliver close and made him hold her.
"Amy, your shirt came off too, you might wanna-"
"Shut up Oliver," Amy said. "I really don't care." They were teenagers and she was still wearing a bra. They were at a beach. It was just like wearing a bikini top or something.
"God, you're demanding," Oliver smirked. He couldn't stop himself from enjoying her. She was all over him, her hands on his skin.
"I'm glad you're not wearing a shirt," she said gruffly.
"I'm glad, you're glad," he smiled more.
Surprising him, Amy turned around in his arms and dipped her body down slowly trailing her hand from Oliver's neck all the way down to the top of his pants and tugging just a little, surprising him intensely.
"Okay, that's it!" Karma said. She had been watching from a distance but Amy was half naked and dry humping a boy.
Liam watched awkwardly as Karma stormed off towards Amy in her short skirt and long sweater looking pissed.
Amy stood back up and turned into Oliver's arms. "So, what do you think?" She asked, smirking.
"I think I'm gonna need to go jump in that cold water if you don't stop this shit right now," he smiled happily. It was too good, it was all too good. Amy had her hands all over him and he loved every second of it. It was all he had wanted really, everything in the world.
"Get out," Karma said, busting between them, using her hands to squeeze in-between Amy and Oliver and position herself into Amy's arms.
"Karma?! WHAT THE HELL?!" Amy yelled, pushing away from her. She didn't want to be holding Karma, that was the whole point of the dance, to get her mind off of things.
"Amy, please," Karma said, taking her hand and pulling her off the dance floor and towards the water.
Amy tried to pull away but Karma yanked at her and Amy stumbled after her, following blindly as it was dark away from the party, too dark.
"KARMA! STOP IT!" Amy yelled. But Karma continued to pull her and she continued to walk straight towards the water. Amy started to notice as they got to shore that Karma hadn't slowed one bit. "KARMA! I DON'T WANT TO GET WET!" Amy yelled.
"I DON'T CARE!" Karma yelled back, yanking Amy in front of her and then pushing her hard once and then again.
"WHAT THE FUCK KARMA?!" Amy yelled. Karma pushed her so hard that she had fallen into the water.
"Don't, what the fuck me!" Karma yelled.
From the sand Shane walked up next to Liam and Oliver who were just watching them from afar and witnessing the fall-out.
Amy got up but Karma pushed her again.
"STOP IT!" Amy yelled.
"STAY DOWN!" Karma yelled back. Karma wanted her to cool the fuck off.
Amy wanted to fight her but it was hard, fighting her was so hard. All her life she'd only ever wanted to do what Karma wanted to do. Now she was alone. It all hurt. It all felt bad.
She moved to get up but then let her body fall back into the water. She let her head slip under and felt as a wave washed over her. It was cold but she didn't care. She stayed down and blew bubbles beneath the water.
Karma watched and walked over her angrily. She put her knees down on either side of Amy, not caring about the cold or the wet, and used both her hands to pull Amy up.
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW CRAZY YOU MAKE ME?!" Karma asked. She had pulled Amy up by the shoulders until she was just inches from her face.
"Why can't you just leave me alone?!" Amy cried. This had been why she didn't want to come. All she needed to do was lose herself and she couldn't do that with Karma watching.
"Because I care about you, idiot!" Karma yelled.
"Funny way of showing it," Amy cried, looking at her for the first time in months. Karma was even prettier than she remembered. Her auburn hair looked amazing as the wind blew it all around. She felt Karma's hands clutched at her shoulders. Karma wouldn't let her give up.
"Don't cry, please don't cry. I'm an idiot. I am!" Karma yelled, seeing what happened when Amy looked at her. Seeing what happened when she couldn't just let Amy have her own fucking life. "Fuck, I'm so sorry."
Karma let go of Amy and Amy's body dropped down into the water on accident. She caught herself with her elbows and pushed her body back up. She wanted to be looking at Karma again. She'd forgotten her somehow. Seeing her again was intense.
"All I want to do is kiss you, ya know?" Amy didn't care anymore what she said.
The words had been so unexpected that Karma felt the flutter in her chest and the way her body seemed to shake at them. She felt it as her mind went there to that place Amy was, that place where she could see herself kissing her.
"Do it," Karma said, her eyes searching Amy's sadly and wanting her to do it. "Please," she begged.
"Don't," Amy said, pushing Karma back from her and then pushing Karma off of her into the water so that she could stand up.
Amy started to walk away but Karma turned and got up.
"Don't you dare fucking leave me here Amy Raudenfeld!" Karma screamed. There was a rage in her now and she was livid.
Amy stopped and wiped her wet face off angrily before turning around.
"What do you want Karma?!" She asked, at her wits end. "What the fuck do you want me to do?!"
"I want you to see me!" Karma said, scrambling up on all fours and then making herself stand. She took a few steps toward Amy and noticed how Amy was back to not being able to look at her.
"This isn't fun," Amy said.
"Neither is being without you," Karma confessed. "Come on, come 'ere."
When Amy didn't move Karma walked the rest of the way and slipped her hand into Amy's pulling her back into the water again until they were both just walking out towards the waves.
Amy didn't look, she just kept walking. Karma's hand was cold and wet in her own but somehow she felt warm.
"What are we doing?" Amy asked.
"We're going swimming," Karma said.
"Why though?"
"I dunno," Karma confessed, pulling Amy with her to walk further until they were both up to their waists and dodging the waves that came every now and then.
Since there were obstacles it was easy to calm down about it. Since the waves kept on coming, Amy couldn't just focus on the fact that Karma was next to her or Karma was holding her hand.
"I'm gonna look at you now," Karma said, warning her after many waves had passed, calming them both. They were far enough into the water that no one could come touch them or pull them apart. Amy couldn't run from here, there was nowhere to go or hide.
"Don't," Amy said.
"Shhhh," Karma said, pulling Amy close and turning her so that she could see her. Amy felt herself fall into Karma with the tug of Karma's hands.
"Hey," Amy said. "That's cheating."
A small smile crept up on her. She felt like swimming now that they were wet.
"I want you to kiss me here," Karma said beneath the shimmering moonlight. "Really, kiss me."
"We've kissed before…" Amy said, she used a hand to pull Karma's wet hair out of her face and back behind her shoulders. "You're not gay…"
"Will you please just do it?" Karma asked. Amy noticed the sadness in her eyes and the way she seemed to blink slowly at her fingers on her skin and her eyes on her face. She was so affected by her touch. Amy could see it.
"Why are you doing this?"
"We've both been going through this Amy. Not just you."
"Not really," Amy scoffed.
"If you think living without you was a cake-walk you're a complete asshole and you have no idea how much you mean to me."
"So what, you just want to be gay so you won't lose me?"
"It's not like that… All I've been doing is missing you. I can't stop thinking about you. Not even for a second… It's been crazy."
A big wave came and hit them hard. They fumbled a little and laughed a whole lot.
"Holy shit," Karma smiled, spitting out salt water and noticing how Amy came to help her up.
"Great idea Karms," Amy laughed. "What's next? Rock climbing?"
Karma slipped her arms around Amy and hugged her. It felt good to feel her skin, even if it was cold and she was breathing real hard.
"I'm gonna kiss you," Karma smiled, warning her and staring at her lips.
"You're such an asshole." Amy smiled. She let her head fall close as she hugged Karma tight so that she couldn't possibly try to kiss her.
Karma relaxed since it was fruitless to try just now. She felt Amy's lips on her forehead and heard as Amy breathed her in with her nose in her hair.
"Fuck, I missed you," Amy said, allowing her eyes to close. They were closer to shore now so the waves weren't high enough to take them out but still far enough away so that no one could hear what they were saying.
"Why did we do this to each other?" Karma asked…
"I dunno," Amy said, holding her tight, never wanting to let go. She smirked all of a sudden when she realized that Karma had been angry at her for dancing with Oliver. "Were you just jealous of Oliver?" Amy asked, laughter tickling her throat.
"Don't be an ass," Karma warned. Amy felt one of Karma's hands flat on her ribs and the other at her hip. It felt good being touched by her again, felt and tugged.
"Fine," Amy relented, leaning back. "Kiss me then." If she had been jealous, fine. She'd let her try again, just this once. She'd humor her now that she had somehow been humored by her.
While she was gloating, Karma was looking up at her with a serious expression and searching her for understanding. Amy really didn't know, she didn't know how horrible it had been for Karma without her all summer.
"I'm going to do it," Karma warned, almost mad at her. She let her hand slip down so that she was holding Amy by her sides.
"Okay," Amy said. She wasn't going to fight her. She missed her. She even missed her stupid games like this one. She was just about to speak when Karma sent a hand up to her neck and pulled Amy's face into hers, kissing her with anger first, wanting second, and need third.
"Uhhh-" A soft unexpected moan escaped Amy as she fell into her and her mouth slid open, allowing Karma inside. Kissing Karma was like finding instant warmth and tenderness in every sense of the word. The more Karma kissed, the more Amy felt weak in a good but foreign and achy way.
"Uhhh, fuck," Karma said, not wanting to stop. The waves tumbled around their thighs and pushed at them a little, causing them to stumble apart.
"What the fuck was that?!" Amy asked through her panting, keeping her distance.
"Don't hate me," Karma said anxiously.
"Karma?!"
"I-I…. I."
"You what?!" Amy asked, taking a step back when Karma tried to hold her again. Amy swatted Karma's hand away and forced her to explain.
"I might be having feelings for you," Karma said pathetically. It had been a secret and she didn't even know how to find out what the feelings meant or if she should tell Amy or if it could just complicate things even more.
"You have GOT to be kidding me!" Amy yelled. She spun around away from Karma and screamed at the top of her lungs with her fists balled at her sides. Karma jumped at the unexpected occurrence and out on the shore Shane threw his hands over his mouth as he was watching it all unfold in front of him like a soap opera. He couldn't hear anything but that scream. Naturally, he had his suspicions though of what had really been said to lead to such a reaction.
"Ah fuck," he muttered, to no one in particular. Liam was still holding his head from the sight of them kissing. Now he turned and pat Shane on the back as he walked away, washing his hands of Karma again, perhaps this time for good.
"KARMA! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Amy yelled. She turned back and saw the usual Karma Ashcroft expressions of mixed adoration and guilt and excitement and self-loathing. Karma always seemed to be feeling so many things at once.
"I'm sorry!" Karma said, holding her hand out and hoping that Amy would take it. Amy did take it but it wasn't in a loving way, she pulled Karma close to her and Karma felt Amy's other hand on her neck right before Amy's warm lips crashed into hers desperately and covered her mouth. Amy didn't hesitate to kiss her right. She sucked on Karma's top lip and felt as Karma fell into her arms and turned to mush as she kissed her, feeling perfect and lovely and soft and warm and familiar but new.
"You weren't kidding," Amy panted, pulling her face away and holding Karma's face in her hands. "You are so fucking insane," Amy breathed excitedly, trying to forget her frustration.
"I'm sorry," Karma said, not looking at her but not caring either because Amy was holding her again. Amy was talking to her again. Amy was in her life again and Amy was everything that mattered, the only one that mattered. "I'm sorry," she said again, tears coming along with a mixed laugh.
"Are you crying or laughing?!" Amy asked, confused by her.
"Both," Karma said, holding Amy's hand on her face and loving that it was there.
"You can kiss me again," Amy smiled.
Karma laughed more and pushed her away.
"Fuck off," she said. But she actually did want to kiss her again and she liked that Amy knew that, she liked that more than anything else.
"Fine," Amy smiled feeling the life return to her and the spirit of youth fill her up. She pushed Karma fast and ran further into the water.
Karma laughed after she had fallen. She laughed and she chased her. They ran until the water was too deep to do anything but swim in.
They went beyond the waves where they could barely touch and they panted together, laughing, smiling, loving that they were alone.
"If you ever do that again I'll kill you," Karma splashed.
"What?" Amy asked. They had been quiet so she wasn't sure what she was talking about.
"Cut me out of your life," Karma said, staring at her and loving Amy's smile.
"I won't," Amy promised.
"K," Karma said.
They floated on their backs and looked up at the stars, holding hands beneath the water.
They could still hear the music from the party and the laughter and the cheers. But it was better where they were and they both knew it.